But you wait

 

Smile... That's what I'm doing... oh so wide, so perfectly. The winter sun is setting outside. Spring will soon be here, and life will begin to awaken everywhere. Slowly, vibrant green will begin to emerge from beneath the snow. Everything will melt... the colors will begin to transform from a subdued, peaceful gray into the dynamic and vibrant shades of the rainbow. The garden will fill with buds of tulips, roses, crocuses... a wave of colors flooding it in the same way as love fills my heart... Slowly, day after day, more and more, thicker, clearer. The sun's timid rays will illuminate their petals, giving them the right shades, they will part under their influence, like your lips under mine, and they will do so again. Hot, passionate kisses, fleeting touches, glances. Friendship, desire, fear, certainty. All the feelings, so accumulated... uncertain...

I turn away from the window and go to the computer. The monitor is the only thing illuminating my room. Every nook and cranny is hidden in a pleasant semi-darkness. Sometimes I get the impression that you, hidden in this very spot, are watching my every move. It feels strange, uneasy. I don't like being followed—it makes me feel uneasy. I can't be myself in my own room. I'm afraid you'll see something you don't like, something that will turn against me. My imagination, after all, you're not here and never will be. Never. You won't look at me, spy on me, follow me. What I do is indifferent to you. Bitterness—that feeling that always accompanies me. I hate him. I want to get rid of him, but I can't. Helplessness. Crying, lack of understanding. Anger. I check my email. No messages. It was predictable—you want nothing to do with me. He writes letters, and you don't reply. I wonder if you even read them, or if you immediately throw them in the trash when you see the sender? You definitely don't. I mean too much to you. You think I don't know that you too... I can't say the word. It won't go away, not yet, not yet. I turn off the monitor and slowly rise from the chair. The room is dark.

I look around; I can see the glow on the floor, the trace the moon leaves behind. I'm wearing a T-shirt and jeans... I slowly walk to the balcony door and look outside. The world seems so quiet and peaceful. The tree branches are still... there's no wind. Everything is covered in a blanket of white. It makes it so much brighter. It's a full moon, the glow of Earth's satellite reflecting off the snow. Nothing can hide, not even you could. Every step would be visible. A reflected trace – proof of your presence. For now, I feel her absence, I miss her.

I'm cold, shivers run down my spine – what if we never see each other again? What if that night, filled with tears, laughter, and alcohol, was our last? What if you forget? I know myself… I'll try to remember, but some things have already slipped from my mind. The moments were too fleeting, I grieve their loss, I should try harder. Not to forget, to prevent them from leaving… I won't lose that smile of yours, it's too deeply etched in my memory. Wide and sincere… your eyes like two bright sparks. Always sincerely expressing emotion. You were never able to hide behind them – a mirror to your soul, to its true depths.

I reach out my hand. I slowly place it on the doorknob; it's smooth, its surface almost perfect – just like you. I open the door. I hear the soft click of the lock. A breath of cold air. I check if I have everything I need. It's sharp – just as it should be, I won't feel anything, no one notices, no one hears anything. No one will cry for me, everyone will be better off, a burden will be lifted from their hearts. They will mind their own business.

I step out onto the balcony and close the door behind me. Silence surrounds me... There's not even a whisper of wind. I feel my body starting to cool, my blood starting to slow down. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. I start to hesitate. I'm uncertain, indecisive. It's like jumping off a bridge... the longer you think about it and stand on the edge, the less likely you are to jump. I can't dwell on it any longer. I hear my teeth begin to chatter. The hand with the knife slowly approaches my left wrist... The wind has picked up, from who knows where or why, nothing will stop me; I've made up my mind. My hair is flying, my skin is pale, my lips are chapped. The blade slowly sinks into my flesh, I feel something sticky slowly dripping down my hand, and I continue cutting. One swift and confident stroke. Now no one will be able to help me. I felt dizzy, and my body slowly sank to my knees. From the side, I looked as if I were praying. Although I don't believe in God, at that moment I felt like I was missing his faith in me.

Cold, darkness, heavy eyelids… Warm, sticky blood on my wrist… Slowly dripping and soaking into the snow, turning it pink. If only my life could have this hue, if every day were happy and perfect… There would be no hopelessness, no more of what had happened. I couldn't feel my fingers, I wanted to move my leg, but I couldn't. Another gust of wind helped me, knocked me over… I lie on my side, breathing, still, but I'd rather not. Every time I inhale, my lungs are filled with thousands of tiny needles. I'm exhausting myself, slowly, drop by drop. I hear them fall, every few seconds. Time drags on. I want an end. Liberation, peace. It's too late for help. Something's ringing. It's the phone. I don't have the strength to get up and answer it. Maybe it's you. We won't talk again, it's too late – I'm leaving, without you, alone, slowly and quietly. Darkness, and I so long to gaze at the stars once more… Light, blinding brightness. I walk towards it, look down, and see myself. Someone leans over me… He lifts my body – I walk further, feeling the warmth. He rests my head on his knees, slowly rocking my body. I hear sobbing, it doesn't belong to me, it's yours. Only now do I recognize you, you're next to me, you start to blame yourself. I turn away from the light, I want to go the other way, I long to go back – I can't, I'm further and further away. You cry, scream, despair. You suffer, once again, it's my fault. Your scream alerts others, those who would never have noticed. You destroy the peace of the night, you take my body, someone drags you away, others cover me with a white sheet, I walk away, I still hear the ambulance siren... It slowly begins to quiet down, I cross to the other side, I will wait for you, but you don't hurry... wait, you still have time...

"I want to stay here and always be with you.

Even when it gets bad,

I want to stay here because without you,

I don't have the strength to go on living..."