Harry the Paparuch and the Prisoner of the Cloop.

 

Harry Potter, also known as Harry the Paparuch (for obvious reasons), returns to Danwart after a vacation spent with his aunt and uncle. One day during the vacation, Uncle Velvet kicked Harry while he was leaning out to look at the stars. Later, Aunt Fart tried to burn his head and closed the pot with the lid while Harry was smelling the stew. A few days later, Kugley (the Fat Idiot) stuck his hand under the card cutter. Yes, this vacation certainly wasn't pleasant for Harry. But what can I do? He deserved it (with his idiocy).

Harry returned to Danwart by express train, but during the journey, he lost his ticket and had to pay a fine. He was supposed to spend it on sweets. At school, he met his two friends: Hermione Kranger and Ron Grizzly.

"Yo, mate!" Harry exclaimed, but accidentally tripped on a banana peel.

"Potter, ten points from Gryffindor," said Knape, the Potions professor. "Not bad, huh? Ten points from the start! BUAHAHA!!!" Knape fell and squirmed until he finally fell off the tower and died.

"So what? Are we going to the sandbox?" suggested Harry. "What a blast!!!"

In the sandbox, they met their worst enemy: Valfoy the Dragon.

"What, Harry? Back to the sandbox? And look what I've got..." said Valfoy, then pulled a lollipop from his pocket. "Haha. You don't have one!

" "A chocolate-strawberry-vanilla-poop-mouse lollipop! I've always dreamed of one," whispered Ron.

"Yeah, and I've got Coca-Cola and Sobieskie cigarettes, too. HAHA!!!"

"Oh, gosh, Valfoy!!!" Harry roared and lunged at Valfoy (for some unknown reason). Valfoy dropped the lollipop and screamed in terror,

"No! It wasn't me! I'm innocent! I'm a good man! Mercy on me!" But a second later they were rolling around until Dupnedore arrived.

"What's going on here?" he asked, his face looking like a handkerchief.

"They're fighting over a lollipop!" Hermione said, kicking the bucket.

"Lollipop? Where? LOLLIPOP! My lollipop... my lollipop.

" "Uh, what?

" "Nothing. Watch out, boys! For being bloody naughty, you'll get a slap in the face and a special task." They approached him, and he gave them a full slap in the face. "Hehe, you want a second helping?"

"No, Mr. Psor...

" "Well, now for a special assignment: you have to find me some new socks, because these are so stinky I gassed Professor Kupin. They took him to the hospital, but they didn't make it... Okay, now to work."

Harry and Valfoy searched for clean socks while Hermione and Ron unclogged the toilet in the toilet (hehe). They searched everywhere: in the fridge, on the golf course, in the Misty Mountains, in the toilet, in the printer, etc. Suddenly, Harry had an idea.

"Hey, Valfoy. I have an idea!

" "Yes?

" "No. I don't have one after all.

" "Yes?"

"Yeah, seriously; maybe we can buy some socks at the store? Good, right?" Valfoy slapped him in the face, and they headed for the sock shop.

"Good morning, a pair of socks, please," Harry said, and the saleswoman slapped him in the face.

"Ouch... why is everyone getting a slap in the face this year? Okay, one pair, please." The saleswoman walked toward the booth marked "Toilet" and pulled out something stinking. "

Here, you bastard. Ten bucks for me, or 500 slaps in the face.

" "Oh, damn, I don't have any money!" Harry said suddenly, realizing it only now. "Okay, I choose the spanking.

" "'Spanking' is an understatement," the woman said, and started to snort.

By the time Harry got back to Daunwart, it was quite late. His face was so bruised it was barely hanging on to his neck. He gave Dupnedor his socks back, and finally Valfoy punched him in the face, so much so that he had to screw on a spare head because his head was falling off. It had been a tough day.

The next day, Harry, Hermione, and Ron were walking to the playground when they met a guy. He was dressed in rags and his face was so bad it made some people sick.

"Balloons! Fresh balloons!" he yelled, until his eyes suddenly fell on Harry. "What does he want from me? Maybe I didn't give him 10 złoty back once? Maybe he wants to steal my new glasses? Maybe he wants to steal my intelligence? Oh no, he definitely won't steal that, I don't have any myself!" Harry thought happily, and walked up to him, saying,

"Please, one fresh balloon.

" "Do you want a balloon? Do you want one in the face too?" he asked Harry in a voice like someone cutting open a jar.

"No, thank you, I'll just have a balloon. I love balloons." When I was five, I got a balloon and…" Harry stopped suddenly, because what he saw was terrifying.

It was two things: a 0.001% discount on poop-flavored crisps and Voldeport's face, hidden behind the balloon seller's hood.

"Oh me…" Harry whispered.

"Yes, it's ME!!! HAHA!!! I came here to beat you because I've been bored since they took away my cable because I didn't pay my bills. Now this is where it gets fun!" He took out something that looked like a pair of scissors, only they were made of snakes… "I'll cut your head off with these, okay?"

Harry started to run away from Voldeport, but no one heard him, as the class was taking a Potions test. Hmm, that's the one who beat my dad and mum at bridge… What am I doing? I have to fight him…" Harry stopped and confidently pulled his wand out of his pocket.

"This is the end for you, Voldeport." Voldeport stood in front of Harry, and the two of them glared at each other. Suddenly, Voldeport burst out laughing and spat in Harry's face.

"Hehe, I'm done, hehe... That's good, how much have you had to drink, kid?" he said, then grew serious and said in a firm tone, "You old cow! How dare you threaten me, you little brat! Haven't you seen how bad I am yet?" With that, he grabbed Harry by the hair and slammed "Kropelka" against the wall. Then he started spitting in his face and reading Winnie the Pooh. From time to time, he kicked him in the face, and then Harry roared,

"No! What have I done! I'll complain to Mum!" Suddenly, a group of TVN reporters burst into the scene.

"Hello gentlemen. What's going on here?

" "I'm punching Harry in the face because I like it," Voldeport replied.

"And Harry? Can I join in?" The reporter punched Harry so hard that he punched a hole in his stomach.

"Mum won't sew that up for you," Voldeport said.

"Exactly! Yes, I will!" "Harry roared and stuck his tongue out at him, which cost him a good punch, this time in the head.

"Ouch, that hurts!!!!"

And at that very moment, Dupnedore burst in.

"Uh, Volcio, could you let Harry go?" he asked uncertainly.

"Oh, how nice of him to visit us, you wiggly ass!

" "Okay, we're off, we have a live show in Albania, we're going to shoot the dauns. Bye!" one of the reporters said, then briskly walked away.

"Okay, I'm off too. I have to visit Stefan, we're playing a game today. But don't worry, Harry, we'll meet again!"

That day, Harry wet his pants so much that it spread all over Daunwart. He even had to go to the grocery store for new pairs of panties, because he ate the ones Velvet and Pierdunia had packed for him for breakfast. The next day, Harry had a match against Kupeclav, so he grabbed his toilet broom and went to the stadium with Ron and Hermione.

"Okay, we'll win today, or everyone will have to clean toilets for two million years," said Elijah Wood™, the Gryffindor coach.

They'd lost ten points in the first minute, and Harry was being pelted with rotten fruit and candy wrappers, so he couldn't move. Suddenly, a piece of paper hit him in the head so hard, he had a concussion, but it didn't hurt, because he didn't have a brain inside. Ultimately, the match ended with Gryffindor losing 10,000,000,000,000 to zero. After the match, Wood™ stole their clothes as punishment, and they had to run around the school in their underwear (and glasses – Harry).

"Why did you lose? You're so good...?" asked Ron.

"I don't know, maybe I'm an idiot," Harry said, then slapped himself for saying it.

"Everyone knows you're an idiot," Ron said, and a fight broke out, with Hermione hitting everyone over the head with a stick.

The next day, Harry learned from Hagrid (the toilet cleaner at Daunwart) about a certain Sirius Green, who supposedly had a green face and escaped from the Toilet Prison.

"But why did he run away?" Harry asked.

"They say he has to borrow 10 złoty from Dupnedor for a boatswain, so he'll be visiting our school soon. But who believes that?

" "Bullshit.

" "BUAHAHAHA!!!! That was good, Harry, you really are a real joker. Now get lost, I have to clean up Moaning Marian's Toilet." After a few days, Sirius Green came to school, all green (maybe he was drunk?). This is what he said at first:

"I'm green."

This is what he said at last:

"That's it.

" "BUAHAHA!!!" Everyone laughed until Sirius brought up the subject of the loan.

"Please, Albus...

" "BUAHAHA!!!

" "I have to buy a boatswain... Do you know how long I haven't had a drink in? For... for... two minutes. That's too much for me.

"I won't give it, I have to buy diapers..."

"Please...

" "No...

" "How about this: Give me the f***ing money, otherwise you'll be so f***ed your own mother won't recognize you. So, Albus, will there be money or not?

" "Yes, sure, here's 10 złoty and get lost." Sirius was about to leave when he spotted Harry and whispered in his ear.

"Two things: I'm your godfather, and secondly, you're getting a ringing sound. Oh ugh!" Then he walked away towards the liquor store.

Harry couldn't believe it. Does he have dirty ears? He used Velvet every day... And suddenly he remembered the other words this guy had said: "I'm your godfather..." He decided to talk to Ron and Hermione. He found them in the Gryffindor common room. Ron was watching "The X-Files" and Hermione was reading Harry Potter.

"What a great book!" It says here you'll die in the seventh book... hehe

Harry told them about Green.

"Maybe he was just joking because he wanted to borrow your money for Tyskie?" Ron said. "And you want to be honest?

" "No, that's not all... He said it like... so weird... like he'd just won a million in the lottery... I have to go meet him. But first, I'll watch the Archives with you, Ron. What episode is it?

" "The Death and Funeral of Harry Potter." Might be cool...

The next day, after a little fight with Valfoy, Harry went to the Monopoly and met Sirius there.

"Yo, mate. It's me, your godson." To Harry's surprise, Sirius punched him in the face.

"It was a christening, you idiot. Okay, make it short, because at eight o'clock we're robbing this guy with glasses and his friends...

" "Okay, are you my godfather?"

"I'm your father."

"Really? Cool!" Voldeport suddenly walked into the shop. Seeing Harry, he laughed loudly.

"Ha.

" "What are you doing here, Voldeport?" Ron asked.

"I'm looking for some little redheads and glasses to punch in the face," Voldeport replied, looking at Sirius. "And who's that mate?

" "I'm Green. Sirius Green."

"Hey, would you stop saying movie lines?" Harry said angrily.

"Hehe, now you've got a guard, huh?" Voldeport asked. "You think I can't beat him at bridge, like your folks? You think I'm some kind of weakling?

" "You have to realize that, Voldeport. Realize the truth.

" "What truth, you loser?

" "There's no spoon.

" "Ooooh, now you've pissed me off," Harry said, and punched Sirius in the face.

"You're beating up your father? Right?" He punched him twice as hard in the stomach.

"STOP IT!!!!" Hermione whispered. "WE MUST DESTROY VOLDEORT!!!

" "Yeah, we'll defeat you now, Volcia," Harry said. "We have Sirius now.

" "How ridiculous," Voldeport said, and spat in Harry's face. The fight began. In the first round, Voldeport knocked Harry and Ron out cold. Later, the same thing happened to Sirius and Hermione.

"And now the decisive blow, little bespectacled brat. You'll finally be out of my life, you brat." His face suddenly darkened. "Oh no! I left the washing machine on! Now he'll wash my whole house. I was just about to beat the crap out of you, you bastards. But we'll meet again." With that, Voldeport fled towards the bus stop.

"Uh, thanks, Sirius," Harry said timidly.

"Give me two bosuns and we'll be even." A moment later, all three were sitting on the wall, drinking beer.

"That new guy's good... He needs a punch in the face!"

The year was slowly coming to an end. Harry had racked up a lot of slobber this term, having spent the entire year playing in the sandbox, cleaning the toilet, or drinking bosun's beer with Sirius, Ron, and Hermione.

At the end of the year, Dupnedore threw a huge feast. Sirius also came, and he was so drunk that everyone, except Harry, Ron, and Hermione, went crazy. Harry, as usual, threw up while eating, and he also threw up Professor Knape, who swore he'd expel him, but only the next year. Thus ended another of Harry Potter's boring years—the world's biggest idiot. But the very next year, he had more adventures...