Hunger for love

She woke up unusually early. She couldn't sleep. She sat up in bed and pulled out a hardcover notebook with a black sheep on the cover from her desk drawer. She reached for a pen lying on the bedside table and began jotting down shaky notes, gradually becoming more and more involved. Every now and then, she lifted her head from the notebook and nervously glanced around, afraid someone would enter the room and discover she was keeping a diary. She didn't want that.

"Paulina!" a voice rang out. The girl hid the notebook under the bed and began climbing the stairs, which wasn't easy for her. Once downstairs, she headed down the hall toward the kitchen. Along the way, using her imagination, she painted the most natural smile she could muster that day.

"Hi," she said to her older sister, who was bustling about in the kitchen, revealing her worn teeth.

"How did you sleep?" her sister asked in response.

"Okay," Paulina lied, and waited to see what would happen next.

Every morning, Agnieszka tried to be polite to her and try to strike up a conversation. However, every attempt at conversation ended in failure. Agnieszka, not even trying to pretend she cared about her sister's life, asked questions, to which Paulina answered curtly or not at all. Over time, this recurring situation began to tire both girls. So Agnieszka ate earlier. She called Paulina for breakfast just before she left for college. She asked her if she had slept well, and then, trying to appear even a little embarrassed, she looked at her watch and sadly informed her that she had to go or she would be late, and that they would eat together the next morning, which, of course, Paulina hadn't expected. Finally, Agnieszka kissed her younger sister on the cheek and placed a plate of food in front of her, thus fulfilling her duty as a mother figure to the girl. When she successfully completed the ritual repeated every morning, she would leave the house dressed in a burgundy jacket and high-heeled shoes, and only then would she breathe in the air in the yard, wanting to cleanse herself of the crime of lying, even if only to the smallest extent.

Paulina, once she was sure her sister was far away and had no intention of returning (which the prudent woman often did), would fetch the tape recorder and, unsure of what would happen next, sit down to eat. Eating was relatively rare; the fruits of Agnieszka's labor usually ended up in the trash can in front of the house. Sometimes, however, she had to decide to put something of sufficient nutritional value into her mouth. After finishing such a meal, she had to act quickly. Within fifteen minutes, she would take the tape recorder, which she had prepared earlier, to the bathroom. There, she would turn up the volume, lean over the toilet, tie her hair back, and firmly press down on her lower abdomen, which allowed her to regurgitate food less drastically than inducing vomiting by shoving her fingers down her throat, which irritated it. After the "treatment," the exhausted teenager rinsed her face with cold water, wiped the tears from her bloodshot eyes, and lay down in bed for several minutes to regain strength before leaving for school. The entire ordeal repeated itself several times a day. Its success, however, depended on whether Agnieszka was present, around whom Paulina was afraid to perform the most important of her daily tasks. Against the

white

winter snow, a slender, brown-haired woman, dressed from top to bottom in black, loomed large. Paulina walked forward, unsure of where she was headed. She needed air, because it was the only thing she could gulp without fear of gaining even a few pounds. But it wasn't free. The sun, struggling to fight the snow, offered a thin stream of hope for a better tomorrow, which—in Paulina's opinion—didn't exist. The teenager couldn't imagine life as it had been years ago, one where she could eat normally again and her inner voice wouldn't force her to vomit. The wind, in turn, made her eyes glaze over involuntarily, and tears began to flow down her cheeks, as if during a certain procedure. She couldn't escape the reality she struggled with every day. Not even for a moment.

So she decided to spend some time with the only person who could tolerate her for any length of time, and she did so willingly. Late one evening, she knocked on the door of her boyfriend's apartment. His tipsy father greeted her and politely invited her in. She went straight to Kamil's room. She entered, as always, without knocking. Seeing him reading a book, she smiled. This time naturally. In response, the teenager put down the book, approached Paulina, embraced her by the slim waist, leaned in, and kissed her on the lips.

"Have I told you how beautiful you are?" he asked.

"I don't remember..." the girl replied flirtatiously. "And am I?" she added after a moment.

"Mhm... I don't know a prettier girl than you."

"Thank you then," Paulina replied, trying to hide the blush that was creeping across her face.

"Hey, hey... but don't try not to show me how you feel," the boy replied. "I want to know. I love you, remember?"

"I love you too," Paulina said, leaning her head against Kamil's shoulder.

***

When Paulina returned home after a night spent listening to the hum of silence with Kamil, Agnieszka was already gone.

"I wonder if she's noticed my absence...?" Paulina asked herself.

She ran up the stairs. She took off her heavy, black sweater. Instead, she put on a cream-colored, short-sleeved blouse. She replaced her trousers with a short skirt that revealed her incredibly thin legs. Dressed thus, she sat on the bed. She reached for her pen once more. She pulled out the notebook that lay scattered on the floor. She flipped back a few pages. She found nothing worth revisiting. Resigned, she looked at the blank pages of her diary. In them, she saw not emptiness, but hope. A small one, true, but still. Joy enveloped her. She longed for a normal life. The pages, covered only in factory-printed checkered patterns, screamed that it was possible. If only she herself would express a desire to break her wretched habit.

She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. In an instant, she tossed the notebook aside and ran from the room, slamming the door. Downstairs, she took pancakes from the refrigerator. She heated them up and began eating. She ate three, one after another. She washed her plate, put on a pot of water for tea, and sat back down in the chair at the kitchen table. For a moment, she remained still. The thought of needing to vomit her meal was drowned out by a popular English love ballad gently playing from the stereo speakers in the next room. The whistle of the kettle roused her from her reverie. With leisurely steps, she moved first toward the cupboard where her older sister kept the tea, and then toward the gas stove. She poured boiling water over the infusion. She set the sugar bowl on the table. That day, she decided to force herself and add some sugar. Before she started drinking, she called Kamil and arranged to meet him for the evening.

***

"Have you lost weight?" asked Kamil, not even suspecting what the girl was doing to maintain her shapely figure.

"A little," replied Paulina.

"You're even prettier than before." He kissed his beloved on the cheek.

They were sitting in a room that Agnieszka used to call "the guest room." A description like "unused" would have been much more fitting. The sisters didn't entertain large numbers of people. But who cared about such details...

The sun was trying to creep in. The snow in the yard hadn't completely melted yet. They both sat silently on the couch, gazing out at the winter-spring landscape. The scent of incense wafted through the room, slightly irritating the girl's nostrils. In the background, they could hear one of the songs with a message that Paulina loved so much. They were silent, occasionally exchanging more or less shy smiles. They didn't need words. It felt good that way.

"I'm sorry..." Agnieszka muttered, a bit flustered. "My parents want to talk to you," she said quietly to her younger sister, handing her the phone. A moment later, she was gone.

"Yes?" Paulina asked dryly. "Yes, I know. Yes, I have good grades. No, I don't need anything. I love you too. Bye!" She ended the call.

"My parents," she said to Kamil, spreading her hands in an apologetic gesture. "They call once every two months to ask me a series of standard questions and lie that they love me." –she snuggled up to her boyfriend.

***

Agnieszka had been asleep for several hours. Paulina felt hungry. For a moment, she wondered if it was worth the risk. Ultimately, she decided she had nothing to lose. She went to the kitchen, where she took some skim milk from the fridge and some regular cereal from the cupboard. She poured some into a small bowl. She poured the milk she had prepared earlier over it. She picked up a flat spoon. She ate it all. This time, however, she couldn't "give up" on throwing up her meal. All day long, she'd been carrying pancakes in her stomach, which weighed down her mercilessly. She couldn't afford more. Desperate, she ran to the bathroom, not thinking about the object she was using to stifle her vomiting. She knelt on the floor, wrapped her arms around the toilet, and, wanting to save time, instead of pressing on her stomach, she irritated the roof of her mouth with her finger. She didn't have to wait long for the effect.

"What are you doing?!" Agnieszka screamed, terrified by the sounds coming from the bathroom. "Open it immediately!

" "If that's what you want..." Paulina replied rebelliously, allowing her older sister to observe her daily routine. After washing her face and wiping the tears from her eyes, she stoically walked through the bathroom, the hallway, and the "guest" room. She sat down in an armchair, expecting a moralizing lecture. All she heard from her sister was, "I won't leave it like this, don't even dream of it!" "Okay," she shouted back ironically, then went to her room and went to bed. This time, it was Agnieszka who was tormented by insomnia.

***

"I talked to Agnieszka..." Kamil began hesitantly, tenderly embracing Paulina.

"She told you, right? Did she?!," the irritated teenager asked.

"Why are you doing this? Tell me... Why?" he continued, as if he hadn't heard the girl's question.

"You want to know? Okay, okay, I'll tell you." "Do you remember talking to my parents?"

"Mhm..." he replied, nodding.

"They've fed me too much since I was a child. Except it wasn't love, but lies. At some point, I realized the truth. I couldn't stand the fact that they were making me full of hypocrisy and lies. I tried to expel the negative feelings using the same method my friends used to cleanse their bodies of food. After two attempts, I realized it wasn't possible... But for a brief moment after inducing vomiting, I felt like the happiest person in the world. And I was losing weight... You yourself said that the thinner I was, the prettier I was...

" "Well, yes, but I wouldn't have done it if I'd known appearance mattered so much to you... I don't love your appearance. I love you. No matter how much you weigh...

" "I thought you'd want me to be pretty...

" "You're pretty. You always were. Even before you got to this point... You have anorexia and bulimia, right?"

"Mhm..." she said, and hugged him as tightly as she could.

***

[A month later]

She was sitting in a hospital bed, surrounded by her colleagues from the ward. The lively conversation was interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone.

"Excuse me, I have to answer," she said with a smile. "Probably a serious call," she added, winking at her fellow sufferers, who quickly dispersed. She pressed the green receiver button.

"Yes?" she asked uncertainly.

"Hi, honey," she heard her mother's voice. It was different, warmer than usual.

"Hi," Paulina said uncertainly. She listened to her mother's comforting words. Surprisingly, the assurance that her parents loved her sounded somehow different, more natural. She spoke to her mother calmly. Finally, she offered her a few words of encouragement and kissed the receiver. She put the phone aside and saw Kamil standing in the doorway with a bouquet of roses.

"Can I come in for a moment?" he asked, winking at the girl. Paulina threw her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. He handed her flowers.

"What's the occasion?" she asked, dressed in a hospital gown that covered her thin arms and legs.

"And how long has it been?" he asked suspiciously.

"Seven days," she replied proudly.

"Then we're celebrating the first week of your new life. Our new life," he corrected himself.

The girl didn't hide her emotions. Happiness radiated from her face.

***

"Not everything is exactly as it seems. And love can endure a lot. And forgive a lot. That's what I've learned," Paulina wrote in her diary with the black sheep on the cover, on the evening of the seventh day of her newly begun life.