another night, another turmoil; who is waiting for what,

And the others? Do they also exist by chance, or is there some hidden meaning in their existence? Why do I only remember last night, and I can't recall the rest at all? What happened that was so important that it's worth remembering? I smile. Another unique and eventful night. It's as if someone, or something, wouldn't let me sleep a wink until I could decipher the meaning of its existence in this perverse reality. It's so easy to make someone laugh. A good joke, a witticism, a story. And it doesn't have to be about forbidden things.

"Imagine, everyone having fun as they should. Full of civility. An equal number of gentlemen and ladies. Each gentleman is busy with his lady. And each lady with her gentleman. Everyone present is holding modest drinks in their hands. The gentlemen, perhaps not so modest. But you have to appreciate that; they try, their whole lives. Yet somehow, it's not noticed enough. But that's our fate," I add defiantly.

I look at the faces listening to me. As long as they're still listening, that's good. If I start getting boring, I'll have to change the story, and I have a few up my sleeve. For now, they'll remain a surprise.

"Imagine, the party's in full swing. Music plays in the background. Most people sway to the sounds coming from the stereo, some are engaged in conversation. Everyone throws parties. Bigger, smaller. It all depends on the number of people and the size of the apartment where they're being held. In most cases, it's a dozen or so people. Not too many, not too few. Most often, these are people who know each other well and no one surprises anyone with their behavior. They have similar opinions, but they may differ on a few things. They avoid deviations from the norm like the plague. After all, how can anyone not want to find a girlfriend, get an apartment, start a family? There's no other alternative! Someone there supposedly said that there are people who devote themselves to meditation, losing sight of the rest of the world. It's all in the name of some Buddha. His name has been gaining popularity lately, appearing more and more often in conversations. But you have to be careful; one careless step and you're lost! There was something wrong with that Buddha, that's why he's so talked about." Someone wise said that those who seek are most likely to wander, so why all the fuss? What else would you like to know? Or maybe some answers don't reach me, fall apart, leaving an even greater emptiness before they're given to you. We supposedly have this freedom of thought, or don't we? We do! Each of us can think about whatever we want. But how do we explain the fact that each of us most often thinks about the same thing. About the future. It's what most often occupies our minds? I'm reminded of a sentence said by one of the characters in a Philip K. Dick book: "You must learn to live day by day. Never plan anything. At most, until lunch or evening, small periods of time, small duties and pleasures." An escape from reality. NEVER PLAN ANYTHING! Such a difficult art can be mastered. After all, what could await us tomorrow? Thanks, but I'm trying to have fun right now, right now, and tomorrow...? Tomorrow I'll be there, now I'm here.

Why does everyone try to agree with everyone else? Completely unconsciously. A smile. It always arouses our interest and curiosity. Why is this person cheerful? I want to be in a good mood too. Make me laugh too. Tell me a funny story, preferably. Preferably a meeting of two people from different worlds. Such contrasts always bring a smile.

"Where did I end up?" – a moment of reflection. “Oh… I remember now. So, the party is in full swing. Suddenly, everyone hears that someone in the next room opens the window and enters. A stranger enters the room. Everyone freezes. A thief? Someone asks. No… But no, there are lights on everywhere, everywhere, throughout the entire apartment. Music is playing. No sane thief would rob a house where someone is. So maybe he's not sane? The question is asked. A moment later, some guy enters the room with a half-empty bottle of vodka, asking if he's in the right place. Everyone looks at him in astonishment; he calmly waits for an answer. He says he's looking for Chudy. He invited him to the party. But since it was far away, he whiled away the journey with a refreshing drink. The night quickly caught up with him. And as soon as he saw the light and heard the music, he thought this was the house and without a second thought, he entered. Through the window, no longer wanting to look for the door. Nobody here knows any Chudy, though.

"You have to know him," he says to the still-surprised crowd. "He's a really down-to-earth and cool guy. You can always count on him." The surprise is still on everyone's faces. "I don't believe it, and I can see you don't understand any of this either. But it's simple. Nothing should ruin tonight for us. And I remember it was daytime just a short while ago. Very recently. Yes. So, I'm saying..." he tries to recall a detail. He's having a hard time. "I'm here by invitation. Chudy, man! I always get lost somewhere. He's not here yet, I'm here. I'm already losing track of hours and days. You understand. The school year is fast approaching, it's a mess. I don't want to. I don't like it. I can't. Constantly sitting at one desk. Listening. Not for me.

" "School isn't that bad. I like it, for one thing," someone from the crowd finally says, trying to strike up a conversation.

"I don't believe it! How can anyone think that?

" "Look at it from the other side." You'll remember every day. You won't lose anything anymore. Isn't that nice?

"Somewhere out there, maybe you're right…

People are slowly starting to accept the situation. The person who just showed up caused quite a stir. But after a while, he's accepted, and most people return to the dance floor to dance to the sounds of a calm ballad. Some are still participating in the discussion.

Suddenly, he stands abruptly.

"This can't be. What kind of music? I feel sick. Where's the rock 'n' roll? Where's the sound? It just so happens I have something you might be interested in. Moscow."

The faces of the people once again express astonishment. No one knows anything. He approaches the stereo, switching off the recording currently in progress. He inserts his cassette and presses the PLAY button. And his recording plays. Completely oblivious to the others, he begins jumping around the room in his mad pogo. Everyone is astonished, having never seen anything like it. During the chorus, he screams along with the lead singer of the now-legendary punk band. After a moment, the song ends, and he sits exhausted on the ground, catching his breath.

"What was that supposed to be?" someone asks awkwardly.

"You're probably surprised?

" "Something like that.

" "Everyone has a different idea of ​​a good time. For you, it's sounds that soothe you, and for me, sounds that captivate me. You probably don't remember the old days...

Jarocin used to be. A city – a legend. The biggest and most astonishing punk band show. The biggest gathering of all kinds of people. Mostly outsiders who could get lost there and then find their way in that huge crowd." Everyone had the right to their own opinions, everyone had the right to hear other opinions. No one tried to forbid anything there. It didn't make much sense, anyway. And the whole time, there was music, music that invited people to have fun, that forced them to think, that made people realize who they were and what they were capable of. And that enormous tent, where several people were constantly playing drums, despite the concert, the bands performing. I enter the tent, go to the first empty drum, and join in. Together we tap out a rhythm that instantly captivates me, and I forget about the entire concert unfolding around me. Someone passes me a pipe. I take one drag, two drags, three drags… Light floods my brain. Suddenly, I see the earth, then space, the entire universe, but nothing is round; everything is made of rectangles. That's the shape. But at the same time, I feel a great sadness. The tragedy of the proto-angles. We all live in the grain. We search for each other, but in this thicket, it's hard to find anything. Even if he and she are found, they do it quickly, and he runs off, leaving her alone. The search continues uninterrupted. And they remain lonely, unable to stop us in any way. The tragedy continues. And everywhere I see protocols, a tragedy.

Suddenly, someone wakes me, offering me water, which I drink greedily. It dawns on me that this is the end of my vision. I leave the tent and return to my own. During the journey, I think about my visions, in which I glimpsed something that had been hidden until now…

"Where can I lie down? I feel I need to rest for a while."

Someone shows him a room and a bed. He lies down and falls asleep. Every now and then, someone checks on him, checking if he's causing trouble. The next time he visits, he's gone, only the window is open. The same one he entered through. Everyone is astonished by the whole event.

"What a fascinating story, who could that man be? Is that you?

" "No, why?" I reply.

- That's what we thought. And they never found out who he was?

- No. Never. - a moment of reflection - An extraordinary story. I'm thinking, we could write a short story about it. Yes... I'll think about it.

3

White was space. Space was white...

He loved winter.

He tore his gaze from the window and threaded another bead onto the string. He didn't know what had possessed him to make those unfortunate chains. Perhaps he wanted to feel more festive? Perhaps he wanted to find something more creative than mechanically counting the minutes? Or perhaps there were other reasons?

He tied the last bead and tied a knot. The chain was long, colorful, and as tacky as his artificial Christmas tree. He wrapped it around the tree, careful not to knock off the wooden angels and the single red bauble that decorated it.

"It's not even that bad..." he said to the tree, trying to make his words sound as sincere as possible. "... That star really adds to your charm...

The Christmas star—made of glass, bought for 3 złoty from a drunk near the neighborhood.

" "Maybe you're right... It looks strange on you..." he muttered, pulling the star from the bald top of the tree. "It's much better this way."

He rose from the chair and headed for the hallway, where his nervous reflection was already waiting for him. Neatly trimmed hair, dark suit, red tie, eyes sparkling with impatience...

Out of the corner of his eye, he glanced at the clock hanging in the kitchen.

Fifteen minutes left.

The David in the mirror was elegant, impatient, terrified, and...

"Holy shit!" He rushed back into the room and grabbed the presents lying on the table.

Of course, he had to string beads, play with the Christmas tree, stare blankly out the window, and forget about the most important thing: wrapping presents!

Tape? Tape. Scissors? Scissors.

"Paper, paper, paper..." he looked desperately around the room.

Silver wrapping paper with yellow Santas on it lay under the table. Why yellow? He didn't know. But he knew he was already late. He'd never been good at wrapping presents, much less in such a hurry.

He cursed under his breath when a piece of tape stuck to the wrong Santa head. He ripped it off hastily, but then a large hole appeared.

He cursed all Santas and grabbed the scissors again. He cut out a larger rectangle and wrapped it around the present again.

"Jeez..."

He threw the cut piece aside and started over.

"You couldn't have wrapped it there. Oh no! Nooooo... You preferred it at home, alone, on your own..." He hissed under his breath as yet another Santa Claus taped the wrong place.

The entire gift-wrapping operation took him thirty minutes. Thirty terrifying, tense minutes. When he finished, he was sweaty, exhausted, terrified by the results of his work, and...

Of course, late.

He cursed violently and, finally feeling for his keys in his jacket pocket, ran out of the apartment.

*

Helena was wearing a beautiful red dress, a Santa hat, and plush slippers with Easter chicks.

"My heel broke," she explained her Easter slippers without any real embarrassment. "I had a choice: flower-print rubber boots or these slippers. Judging by your expression, did I make the wrong choice?"

"No! Come on, I like them," he admitted cheerfully.

"Sure... What do we have here?" she asked, looking amusedly at the presents he was clutching. "Did you wrap them yourself?

" "No, it wasn't my fault," he hurried with a serious reply. "When I found them under my tree, they were already in this state. Santa messed up a bit. He was probably drunk.

" "Right... Excuse me, where are my manners?" she laughed heartily. "Come in quickly."

The wall in the hallway was adorned with a long string of twinkling lights. It might not have been the height of decorative sophistication, but the decoration looked quite nice. It suited the apartment, which smelled of forest, poppy seed cake, and cherry-flavored fake perfume.

"DAWID!" Hania called from somewhere in the living room, her voice full of excitement. "Come on, come on! You'll see the Christmas tree!"

"Go, go. I still have one more thing to finish in the kitchen."

Hania was sitting by the Christmas tree. She searched for baubles with her hands, her face lit up by a smile and the red of the lights. The little one was dressed in a navy blue dress, red tights, and a Santa hat.

"Hello, dwarf," he said, approaching her.

"Dawid, how many times do I have to tell you?" She lifted her chin and continued in the tone of a mother scolding an unruly child. "I'm not a dwarf, just a short giant."

"Oh, yes, sorry... I keep forgetting. Giants are better than gnomes.

" "Of course! Dwarfs are bearded, ugly, and fat, while giants reach for the sky and are strong. I'm strong, Dawid. Today I lifted a whole bag of nuts!"

"Well, yes, you really suit me better than giants," he laughed and tugged at her pom-pom. "And where did you get those hats? Did Santa give them to you?"

"Silly, what Santa? We bought them at the market yesterday," Hania replied, adjusting her hat. "Santa has more important things to do than hand out hats. He has to deliver presents to all the children and adults."

"Right," he admitted with a smile and silently placed the packages on the floor next to the armchair.

"David?"

Hania's chubby face expressed deep contemplation.

"Yes?

" "Tell me, is the Christmas tree beautiful?" Mom had already described it to me, but I wanted to make sure she was telling the truth. What does it look like?"

"Hmm...

" Dawid looked at the tree again. Beautiful was an understatement. It was the prettiest Christmas tree he'd ever seen, and his homemade decorations could only stand in its deep shadow.

"It's a beautiful Christmas tree... From an enchanted forest.

" "From an enchanted forest?" Hania asked, astonished. "How so?

" "But you say yourself that dwarves and giants exist. They live in an enchanted forest, and there are Christmas trees there too. Just like yours."

"But Mom said she bought it at the bazaar." Hania's face was becoming increasingly astonished, and her unseeing eyes focused on the back of the armchair.

"Silly," he stroked her cheek, "Do you think I wouldn't recognize a Christmas tree from an enchanted forest? If I described my tree to you, you'd know right away it's from a store or a bazaar. But this Christmas tree... Hania, it must be from an enchanted forest. Just smell how it smells... Can you smell it? Like magic. Like magic from an enchanted forest of giants and dwarves."

"I can smell it!" Hania exclaimed joyfully. "David, she really is from an enchanted forest!"

"Yes, I'm telling you," he smiled at the sight of her beaming face. "And she's beautiful, Hania. She has colorful baubles, silver chains, and white angels that will speak human language at midnight..."

"Really? Mom said only animals would speak like that.

" "Yes," he agreed. "But angels too. You'll see for yourself if you just don't fall asleep. "

Hania clapped her hands. "

I won't fall asleep! I'll be alert! David?

" "Yes?"

"And does our magical Christmas tree have horsehair?"

Dawid burst into a loud laugh.

"Horsehair? They call it angel hair," he continued, unable to stop. "Horsehair... Well, I've never heard that before in my life. To hang horsehair on a Christmas tree!

" "Don't laugh at me," Hania scowled, "because I'll be mad at you for the rest of my life! And I'll never, ever tell you a secret again!"

Helena entered the room with a platter of salad.

"Okay, I won't," he said, trying to sound as serious as possible.

"Come on! Let's play Christmas carols, share the Christmas wafer, and stuff ourselves with food!" Helena said to them in a voice brimming with joy.

A large pompom fell over her eyes.

*

"Teddy bear!" Hania cried, hugging a snow-white teddy bear with a bulging belly to her cheek.

Helena smiled at David.

"It's beautiful!" How did Santa know I wanted a teddy bear!? Hania's voice was filled with delight.

"Santa knows everything, honey."

"Do you know what I think?" Hania asked in a whisper.

"What's that, honey?" Helena asked. "

I think Daddy told him how I prayed to him."

Helena's face grew sad. Her beautiful, kind face...

David felt uneasy, so he focused all his attention on "Silent Night" filtering through the radio. "

Perhaps, honey," she replied in a different voice. "So why don't you go play with your new presents, honey, and we'll unwrap ours?"

Hania nodded and groped her way to the sofa, clutching tightly the teddy bear and the new doll, which she had immediately named "New Cinderella" after unwrapping. "

Maybe I'll start," Helena cleared her throat awkwardly, looking at him from under her long lashes. "

Sure," he smiled, nodding encouragingly. "Unwrap first."

The scent of her perfume seemed to surround him from all sides. He savored it and savored it.

She was unwrapping the gift, and he looked at her small hands, her concentrated expression, and the wayward pom-pom falling across her forehead. She seemed so vulnerable, so lonely, and so beautiful in her red evening gown. He longed to hug her, but instead hid his hands under the table.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed with delight, looking into his eyes. "What a beautiful shawl!" "

Do you like it?" He felt his face flush red. "I couldn't decide on a color, but you like red, so I chose this one. And that woman from the store said that..."

He stopped as she brushed her lips against his cheek. The scent of cherry perfume intensified.

"Thank you," she smiled broadly, draping the shawl over her shoulders.

"You're welcome," he replied stiffly.

"Are you blushing, David?" she joked, pushing his gift toward him. "Your turn."

David felt his head burn. Unable to contain his embarrassment, he grabbed the gift too quickly and began to unwrap it hastily. Inside was a Nora Jones CD.

"Thank you," he whispered in a choked voice. "Thank you, Helena."

"I know you like it. I can still hear it wailing through the wall." She laughed, watching his growing confusion. "Is something wrong? Have you got this one yet? I thought it was the newest..."

"No, the gift is wonderful, thank you...

" "But?

" "But... I haven't felt happy in so long..." he paused, biting his lip. "I haven't felt happy in so long... It's like I'm suffocating with an overload of emotions I can't name... Do you understand?"

Helena nodded and tightened her fingers around his hand.

"Dawid, you can name them, but there's one problem... You're afraid of them."

David pulled his hand from her gentle grip and glanced away.

"Maybe... Does it matter?"

"I don't know." You tell me - Helena leaned back against the back of the chair.

She took a sip of wine. In the background, a singer sang "Little Jesus" with an angelic voice, and Dawid immediately thought Helena had that voice too. When she spoke, when she whispered, when she sang while frying pancakes...

He glanced at Hania, playing with her toys. The girl was singing loudly along with the radio, hugging New Cinderella and her teddy bear to her chest.

"Please, Helena... It's not what you think, you don't understand anything."

"Forgive me, but if anyone understands you, it's me," she said, peering into her glass. "Will you pour me another glass?"

He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. He reached across the table for the bottle and poured her half a glass.

"You're not the only one suffering, Dawid. You're not the only one afraid. You're not the only one who has been befallen by the evil of this world, and you're not the only one who must sooner or later face the memories and their former lives."

"Stop, you don't know what you're saying..." he whispered, feeling anger rising.

He didn't want to be angry. Not now, not here, and God... Not at her!

He looked out the window. White always soothed him. He wanted it to soothe him this time too. Space. White. WHITE.

"Maybe you just think I don't know," Helena continued, her voice sounding increasingly alien. "It's a shame you haven't trusted me enough yet to talk about your past. You're afraid of me. You're afraid of how I'll react if you tell me your secret... And most of all, you're afraid of yourself, David. You don't even know how much you're hurting me by treating me like a stranger. And I'm not a stranger, David. I'm not like everyone you've ever met, and I'm so sorry you haven't realized that yet..."

"Stop, please," he whispered helplessly.

He felt something inside him break. Memories, like intruders, one by one, began to break into his mind and heart. How could he deceive himself so? How could he think he had become nothing more than David, the grocery store worker? God! He was a ruined wreck, feeding on the illusion of a reality he himself had created. Helena was right. He couldn't run away from the past and from who he was forever. And yet he was nothing more than...

A MURDERER.

"God..." He leaned his elbows on the table and dug his fingers into his hair. "God... God... God..."

Helena stopped speaking. She sat staring into her glass of wine.

"You don't understand anything, Helena... I didn't tell you anything about myself because..." he broke off, taking a deep breath to control the tremor in his voice. "Jesus..."

He began nervously running his fingers through his hair. His breathing became faster and faster, more uneven.

"David. I know."

He didn't look at her.

He was drowning.

"Dawid, look at me. David."

He looked at her with a vacant gaze. Her face lost its expression, blurred.

"I know you were in prison. I know what you did your time for...

" Her whisper was louder than a scream.

"Calm down, please," she whispered gently.

That scream again.

"I know you regret it. I know you feel lost, that it took you so long to regain your balance after returning from prison, but...

" "You don't know anything... Jesus, you don't know anything," he rasped, looking at her with the eyes of a hunted animal. "Do you know why it took me so long to regain my balance? Do you know?"

Helena remained silent.

Sadness was etched in her eyes.

"You have her eyes..." he whispered in a choked voice, observing her confusion closely. "You have Joanna's eyes... My wife's eyes... Her..."He felt a familiar, hated force reaching for his throat with invisible hands. He choked.

"God... I loved her so much." His voice caught in his throat, and a violent shiver shook his body.

Helena stared at him with an unreadable gaze.

"Helena... At first, I was so afraid to look at you, to talk to you... I wanted to bury my memories along with my soul, but I met you... And you wouldn't let me forget, because every time I looked at you, I saw her. God, and I didn't want to suffer anymore. I had to start living again, but then I thought appearances would be enough... Fictitious happiness, a fictitious life, and a fictitious me... You and Hania made me understand that happiness can't be built without people. Without warmth, without a smile, without closeness...

" "And without trust?" Irony echoed in her voice.

"Don't be cruel... I..." he broke off, unsure of what to say. But after a moment, he added in a hushed voice, "I'm sorry."

Helena's face twisted with pain, and tears filled her eyes.

"I am not who you think. I am not the David you know. I am a fiction." I'm the image you want to see and love.

Helena shook her head.

"Stop it, Dawid. I know the real David, and I loved him like that.

" "You stop it... Listen to me," he grabbed her hand. "Do you know how years spent in prison can change a person? Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning with a feeling of panic crushing your lungs and forcing you to breathe? Do you know what it's like to be afraid to trust people, afraid to open your heart to them? God, and constantly have that cursed knowledge that you could... lose them..."

He broke off, his voice failing him. He opened his mouth to take a breath, but instead, only a hollow groan emerged.

"I killed a man..." he sobbed helplessly, burying his face in his hands again. "Yes, you're right. I did, and I regret it. I regret it so much, but I regret Joanna even more... I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid that, like everyone else, you would turn your back on me. I was afraid that God had allowed me to meet you and then would try to take you away from me, by some damned divine trick... That's why... That's why I didn't say anything. That's why I played along. That's why..."

"Dawid, it's okay..." Her voice came to him like solace.

He took his hands away from his face and looked at her with tearful eyes.

He took her hand in his. They were so cold and small...

When he spoke again, his voice was devoid of emotion:

"I called the police, but I didn't wait for them to arrive... I followed him to the park... When I caught him, there was still blood on the knife... Her blood, Helena. He was high, young, and stupid, and I was possessed." Obsessed with lust, madness, pain, and hatred. Do you know what hatred tastes like? God, I've known it. I fed on it that afternoon and drank from its darkest source... I called on God, but he wasn't there, so I took that same knife from the kid and cursed the whole world. I hated. Jesus, I hated everyone back then..."

His voice caught in his throat for a moment.

A large tear rolled down Helena's cheek.

"My Joanna was a high school teacher. Some drugged-up kid caught us in broad daylight. Helena, in broad daylight! He stabbed her in the heart, and she died in my arms. I held her head, talked to her, rocked her in my arms, and the blood flowed steadily from her heart. I knelt in that damned puddle, screaming like a madman. I felt trapped. I didn't want to know what would happen when the police arrived. I ran after him. The park was almost empty... It was just him and me... A possessed animal and its torturer. I dealt blow after blow and cried like a child. I wanted him to feel pain, to whimper, to beg for mercy, and for the last thing his numb eyes would see to be my hatred. I wanted relief, but it never came, Helena.

He wiped his wet cheeks.

"Never."

Helena hid her face in her hands. Tears dripped from her chin, leaving wet stains on the holiday tablecloth.

"I'm sorry, Dawid... I didn't want it all to come back like this... I

'm sorry..." "You're welcome. I should be thanking you... You and Hania, because thanks to you, I understood so much and learned so much..."

She looked at him with her beautiful eyes. Brown, gentle, and kind eyes...

"I learned to love again," he added, his voice trembling.

Helena's eyes smiled through her tears. Wiping her cheeks, she rose from the table without a word. She went to the bookshelf and took down a book covered—like several others—with white paper. She also reached for a wrapped package and walked over to him, placing it on his lap.

"Open, this is the second gift from me..."

She watched his fingers timidly trace the shape of the gift.

"Open..."

He opened it and froze.

"Paper..." he whispered to himself, stroking the snow-white pages wrapped in clear foil.

"Yes..." she said with a faint smile. "I think if you want to return to life and completely expel your grief, you also have to return to writing. It was a part of you and still is. You can't lie to yourself that it isn't."

He looked at her, as if to make sure she was telling the truth. In answer to his silent question, she handed him the book. He removed the white paper cover.

"'Flame'... 'Dawid Pietraszuk'" he read aloud the title and author. "

I have more, all the ones with white covers are yours..."

He opened the first page and read the dedication in the middle of the page:

"To my beloved wife - the meaning of my life."

"Can you trust me now?" Helena smiled warmly. "You won't lose us by opening your heart to us. Just let us, and the grief will go away on its own..."

He gazed at her hungrily. He wanted this moment to last forever. He longed to drown in it with her. She stood before him in her beautiful dress, Santa hat, and Easter slippers, and he wanted nothing more than to hug her tightly.

And finally, he did.

David

straightened up over his typewriter and looked at the hamster cage on the windowsill. Dawid was racing like crazy in his new red spinning wheel, and Norah Jones was singing "Sunrise" in his ear.

He smiled, because all he needed for complete happiness was the title. He glanced quickly out the window, where Hania and Helena were rolling a large snowball, probably the head of a snowman.

He knew.

He looked at the paper again and typed quickly.

"What is happiness, David..." he whispered aloud.

He also wrote a dedication in the center of the new page. After a moment, he took the page from the typewriter and read it aloud, his voice full of emotion:

"For Helena and Hania, thanks to whom I have something to live for again. "

His gaze, filled with happiness, wandered out the window again. A laughing Hania sat in deep snow, and Helena wrestled with a giant ball.

He rose from his chair, grabbed his sweater, and ran out of the apartment to help her secure the snowman's head.

2

Gordon Haskell and the smell of pancakes with jam filled the kitchen. It was a small, elongated room with a huge window adorned with yellow curtains.

The walls were golden, the cabinets the color of coffee with milk, and he...

admired.

"You have a beautiful kitchen," he said with a delight he couldn't and didn't want to hide.

The woman smiled broadly.

"My name is Helena, maybe we can call each other first names? We're neighbors after all..." Her teaspoon hung in the air, halfway to the sugar bowl. "Did I say something wrong? Of course, if you don't mind?"

"No, of course..." He tried to smile again, but instead his face contorted into something that could be called a grimace of pain. "Call me Dawid."

"So, Dawid, where did you live before?"

David frowned unconsciously, his eyes fixed on the last pancake. Helena looked at him more intently, waiting for an answer, but he buried his lips in his mug of tea.

"Sorry, I don't mean to pry..." she explained hastily. "I just asked..."

"It doesn't matter... It's just that I don't know if I want to talk about it..."

"I understand." Her face was filled with calm.

"I doubt it..." he said dryly, but kind, brown eyes made him add in a slightly softer tone. "I don't know if I even want to talk about it..."

Helena nodded thoughtfully, but he read nothing in her eyes but understanding. And yet she couldn't understand anything, and yet... She understood. Why?

"Mommy!" came a cry from the room. "Mommy! David's run away under the sofa again!"

Helena laughed. She had a beautiful smile, and he was surprised that he'd only just noticed it now.

She wasn't a very pretty woman, but her smile was like the touch of the sun, and her eyes were like stars burning in the night sky... Those eyes...

He felt like he was suffocating.

"Maybe we should look for him, or he'll chew the wallpaper again." She laughed even more cheerfully and headed for the living room, tossing him over her shoulder, "So, Dawid? Do you want to be a catcher?"

He rose briskly from the chair and plunged into the orange light of the hallway with her. The prospect of his newly entrusted position seemed rather amusing to him.

The living room was quite large and very cozy. In the corner of the yellow room stood a cream-colored sofa, and next to it was its twin, an armchair. There was also a large bookcase with books and a television, a small table, and a few chairs.

"Don't just stand there, Dawid... You're a catcher!" Helena shouted, somewhere into the crack between the floor and the sofa.

Dawid knelt at the other end of the sofa and peered under it.

"It's there. I can see his head."

"Head!" Hania corrected him, settling comfortably in the armchair. "Hamsters don't have heads."

"Don't bother me, honey... Try to get him out, and I'll make sure he doesn't run off under the shelf," Helena's voice held the determination and experience of an old hamster tamer.

Dawid reached deep into his hand and pulled out the hamster.

"It's just a doll's shoe," he stated with disappointment, staring at the strange shoe with pompoms.

"It's Cinderella's!" Hania exclaimed, adding in a voice full of enthusiasm, "Put it back in there!" Cinderella lost that shoe under the sofa on her way home from the ball.

"I always thought he lost them on the stairs," he muttered under his breath, stuffing the shoe under the sofa again.

Helena giggled.

"I have it."

Helena straightened. She held the hamster in a gentle embrace.

Dawid rose from his knees and looked sideways at the animal, whose eyes were filled with terror. The hamster twitched its whiskers nervously, squeaking softly.

"Hania, remember not to take David out of the cage when I'm not in the room," her mother admonished her gently, placing the animal in her arms. "Put it down and go wash it. Time for bed."

Hania smiled and slid down from the armchair without protest. She walked over to the bookshelf and placed the hamster in the glass aquarium on the lowest shelf.

"Goodnight, Dawid," she said, leaving the room.

Dawid wasn't sure if the farewell was directed at him, but just in case, he replied quietly, "Goodnight."

Hania's small hand guided her to the bathroom, leaving an invisible mark on the coffee tabletop and the yellow tablecloth, patterned with large wildflowers.

"She's very independent for..." he cursed silently, seeing Helena's saddened look.

The sadness in her eyes, in her kind eyes...

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"For a blind child. Don't be afraid to call a spade a spade, Dawid," she said, her voice a bit hollow. "Yes, for a blind child, Hania is very independent. She's more independent than many healthy children I know." But you must know, Dawid, that she wasn't always blind... Four years ago, that accident happened... My husband died, and Hania...

The silence that fell in the room was saturated with her sadness and his confusion. And suddenly he wanted to apologize, to hug her, to kiss her forehead, and lose himself in her eyes... But he knew it wasn't possible.

"I'm sorry... I... I'd better go. I have to get up very early tomorrow. Thank you for dinner, it was really delicious," he blurted out in one breath and headed for the door.

She accompanied him in silence, and only as he grabbed the doorknob did she speak in a hushed voice:

"See you then, Dawid."

He grew sad, wondering if she would say the same if she knew everything.

"See you. "

He closed the door behind him.

*

"You should quit smoking," Hania had instructed him for the second time, one winter evening, as they sat, as usual, on the swings in front of their apartment building.

"After a hard day's work, it's good to light up sometimes..." he said, somewhere in the space bathed in artificial light. "

Working in a shop isn't hard at all. After all, you're just putting things on the shelves. "

Dawid inhaled deeply.

"You see, Hania, this shop job is the hardest job I've ever had. I have to be punctual, polite, obedient to the boss, and nice... Nice even when I don't feel like it.

" "Even to Mrs. Winiarska?" Hania asked in surprise, tilting her head.

A large white pompom fell over her ear, making her remind him now of the elf from the fairy tale about Orphan Marysia.

"Even to her.

" "But she's conceited and stinks." The girl's mouth twisted in a grimace of distaste.

Dawid exhaled smoke through his nostrils.

"Well. But everyone deserves respect, right?"

"I guess so..." Hania replied, looking over his shoulder with her glassy gaze. "David?

" "Yes?"

"Yesterday, the first snow fell... I was walking home from school with my mom, we caught a flake, and you know what?

" "Well?

" I made a wish.

Dawid threw the cigarette butt onto the frozen ground and smothered it with the heel of his shoe.

"What was that wish?"

"If I tell you, it won't come true..." She lowered her head, and the pompom fell over her eyes. "Okay, if that's what you want, I'll tell you. I asked for a friend because I really want one. I've never had anyone except Dawid, Cinderella, and my mom. And you?"

Dawid looked at her more closely.

"What about me?

" "Are you my friend?

" "Yes. I think I am. "

Hania smiled serenely.

"Dawid? Can I ask you something else?"

"Ask.

" "What is happiness? Tell me, Dawid? I'm not a child, Dawid, don't tell me like my mom. Tell me the truth."

Dawid stared at the snow-covered tree, then smiled slightly.

He didn't even know when he'd learned to smile again, but he was certain that his regained ability brought him immense joy.

"Happiness, Hania, it's hard to describe..."

"But try, Dawid. You can do everything."

Dawid looked at her focused face, looked deep into her glassy eyes until his gaze reached her heart.

"A long time ago, I was walking through the village. As I passed a meadow, I stopped, enchanted, hearing music... I walked closer, closer still, and... I saw Gypsies sitting on the grass. They played instruments and sang, and their beautiful women twirled in the dance, tinkling their ornaments. Children clapped, snuggled up to their elders, or frolicked in the grass, imitating hopping hares. It was so beautiful, Hania... They had each other, the dance, the music, and the sun. Do you understand what happiness is now?"

Hania's face suddenly brightened.

"Yes," she nodded, "Thank you, David."

"You're welcome," he tugged at her pom-pom.

"Let's go, then, because Mom will be calling me soon.

" "Let's go."

He took the girl by the hand and led her along the frosty sidewalk, and she began humming her favorite tune.

It was a cold evening, but he didn't feel the cold.

He felt only warmth in his heart and the almost-forgotten closeness of...

A FRIEND.

*

What is happiness, David?For you, baby.What is happiness, David?

"One hour, three Liptons, ten Golden Retrievers..." he counted aloud, staring listlessly at the cardboard boxes waiting for him by the window.

He was almost forty years old, and yet everything he owned was in those three unfortunate boxes, one of which would never be opened again. He ran his gaze over the dingy walls of the crumbling apartment.

"My God," he moaned in a strangled voice and buried his face in his hands. "I know what you want... You want me to fall to my knees before you again and claw at the walls. You want me to search desperately for your words again, don't you? Words you never told me? Tell me?! You make me live on a day you created and a hope that means nothing to me? God, how you are... How cruel you are! And yet I'm not asking for much! Please, I just want to forget!"

He slammed his fist against the wall. He regretted that he no longer knew how to believe or control himself. He regretted everything, but most of all, that he no longer knew how to live. The window was open, but despite this, he could feel the stench surrounding him. A disgusting, claustrophobic stench he never wanted to remember again.

With a brisk step, he approached the windowsill and began to greedily inhale the damp air. And it held everything he needed at that moment. Freedom, peace, cleanliness, and the memory of all those lost autumn days. But now he didn't want to reminisce; he wanted to think about the walk. About the beautiful maple alley, about the playground from which the joyful cries of children echoed, and about the straw-colored sun.

He left the apartment without regret, leaving behind a few pieces of furniture, a few lonely boxes, and an air mattress. He had moved into the building yesterday, but all he had managed to do in those twenty-four hours was make potato soup and eat it. He couldn't get his bearings. The second day of his stay passed, and he still couldn't gather his thoughts. He only knew he was afraid. He had once believed that fear was a sign of weakness, and clutching a fragment of a broken mirror, he had said to the shard of his face, "I'm not afraid." But now... Now he knew that only fools didn't feel fear, and he wasn't foolish. He was merely a reclaimed element of society, free, and therefore so terrified.

He walked slowly down the aisle, his gaze touching the steely sky. It radiated a peace that, after a short while, began to spread to him. Oh, how he missed it! How he longed for solace, for something that would so easily soothe his pain and grief.

"Good morning," a soft, female voice suddenly reached him.

Startled by the presence of someone else, he turned and looked straight into the large, brown eyes.

"Good morning," he replied in panic, and was about to leave when a woman sitting on a bench stopped him with a question.

"You're new here, aren't you?" She hid her frozen hands in the pockets of her worn coat and smiled kindly. "I saw you move in yesterday."

He stood still for a moment, as if wondering if he should answer. He wasn't sure he wanted to talk at all, but he hadn't been sure about anything for a while now.

"Yes, I moved in yesterday," he confirmed, looking at her more closely.

"We live next door, in apartment number twenty," she said, leaning forward to look over his left shoulder.

He followed her gaze. Among the raked leaves, near the rusty swing, sat a girl in a navy blue coat. Her back was turned, but he could clearly hear her cheerful singing.

"Is that your daughter?" he asked, surprised by his sudden curiosity.

The woman responded with a pleasant smile. She had kind, gentle eyes. And finally, he understood why he had decided to talk to her. Her eyes were like... An invisible force tightened his throat, and a wave of nausea took over his body. He felt faint. He cursed himself and God in his mind. He hated him. He hated him more than himself now... HATED! "

Is something wrong?" the woman asked with genuine concern in her voice, rising to support him, but he jerked away from her, raising his hands in silent protest.

He knew her touch would hurt more than her gaze.

"Are you feeling faint? What's wrong?

" "I'm fine..." he muttered groggily. "I have to go...

" "But..."

"Goodbye!" he said in a choked voice and began to walk quickly down the maple avenue. "

Did I offend you in any way!?" she called after him, frightened, but he didn't even look back.

He had to escape her gaze, her kindness, and the questions she would surely ask. When he was far enough away that she couldn't hear him, he leaned his forehead against the damp bark of the nearest tree.

"You don't even know how much..." he whispered, his voice changing.

The wind and leaves sang a melody that muffled his remaining, bitter words.

He

dipped his hands into the crimson puddle, waving a sad farewell to the sleeping sky. He was sorry to part with the day. He rose with a sigh and walked toward Parkowa Street, through a rustling flood of colors.

Everything looked the same here. As far as the eye could see, square, cream-colored buildings with shuttered windows stretched, fenced off from the world by the black teeth of grates. A monotonous landscape, woven with the gangrene of indifference. A degenerate world of decent people, clean rooms, and barren hearts. He shuddered and quickened his pace, staring into the fading crimson glow.

He didn't like this neighborhood. He much preferred his drab tenement building, the alley, and the small square with the playground. The cream-colored houses reminded him too much of his former life—the one he'd lost and to which he never wanted to return.

When he finally turned onto Parkowa Street, he felt an indescribable sense of relief. He could slow his pace, straighten his shoulders, look around, and breathe deeply. His walk was over, and he seemed glad of it.

The dingy gray tenement building was already bathed in the orange light of the streetlamps, and he eagerly dove inside. He energetically climbed the stairs, lit by a dirty bulb, and... Then he spotted her. She was sitting motionless by the window. Concentrated, silent, or perhaps lost in thought? The girl in the navy blue coat.

Before he could approach and open his mouth, she turned to look at him.

"Hi," she said cheerfully, her wide eyes fixed on his.

"Hello...

" "Hania," she introduced herself hastily.

"Hello Hania," he corrected himself, feeling a growing embarrassment.

"You're our neighbor, right?

" "Yes," he confirmed, his gaze averting.

Incidentally, it struck him as odd that the gaze of such a small creature could make him feel uneasy. Or perhaps it wasn't her gaze that bothered him, but his ugly coat, worn sneakers, and wind-blown hair? He glanced discreetly at his legs, then at his neglected nails and worn-out hands. He hadn't looked like this before. He had been different before. He smiled faintly, clenching his fists.

He was ashamed of himself.

"What's your name?" the girl asked suddenly.

Name? What did others say of him?

Icicle, Freak, Freak, Changeling, Silent...

MURDERER.

"David."

In the dim light of the bulb, he caught the girl's smile.

"My hamster's name is Dawid. I'd like to buy him a wheel. Hamsters like wheels, you know that?"

He didn't have time to reply that he knew, because the girl took another deep breath and another torrent of words flowed from her lips: "

They also like chicory and apples. Do you like chicory? Mom always gives it to me because she says it's healthy, but it's bitter and disgusting."

He thought for a moment. Did he like chicory?

"I don't think I've ever tried it..." he admitted openly.

His vegetable intake was usually limited to tomatoes, pickled cucumbers, and carrots, but lately he hadn't even eaten those. Almost all his meals consisted of unsophisticated soups and sandwiches with pâté and luncheon meat.

The door to room twenty creaked open and swung wide, flooding the stairs with a wave of light. He felt a sickness creep up on him at the sight of those now-familiar, gentle eyes. He longed to become invisible. No! It wasn't like that... He was already invisible. After all, his friends no longer recognized him, God had forgotten him, and his family had forgotten his existence.

So why was she looking at him?

Why did SHE see him?

"Hello again," the woman with brown eyes said friendly. "You just got back from your walk? I hope... I mean... I hope I didn't offend you? You left so quickly that..." She spoke in a slightly embarrassed voice, as if unsure how to choose the right words.

He wanted to scream: Yes, you hurt me. You hurt me terribly, with those eyes of yours, with that damned kindness... You don't know what you're doing. You don't know who you're talking to... You know nothing!

"No, I'm sorry..." he reassured her after a short moment, then lied quickly. "...It's nothing, I just felt a little bad..."

The woman smiled sheepishly and looked toward the window, and he felt relief.

"Hania, come quickly to dinner.

" The girl started slowly up the stairs, and he was speechless with astonishment. Only now did he notice what he should have noticed long ago. He watched the girl's small hand as it moved carefully along the dirty banister. The child was not looking.

"Won't you come in for tea and warm pancakes? I made so many, we probably won't eat them alone," she laughed heartily.

"Your name is like our hamster," the girl interjected, stopping next to her mother.

Her glassy, ​​wide eyes, completely at odds with the child's cheerful face, were staring somewhere over his shoulder. Only now did he realize she must be older than he had initially thought. She looked about six.

"Hania," her mother admonished, placing her hand on her head, which was full of short, dark, and strangely spiky hair.

"It doesn't matter... Dawid is a pretty name, why shouldn't hamsters have it too?"

The girl giggled, and he felt pleased. He was glad his words sounded funny. He even wanted to smile, but he couldn't... It was as if his face were numb or part of a large stone boulder.

"Go wash your hands, darling..." the woman said, then turned to him again. "Well, don't stand there. I'm inviting a neighbor over for dinner... And don't look so terrified, I assure you, I didn't stuff the pancakes with toadstools."

Dawid swallowed silently and, trembling, climbed the stairs.

*

3

Chapter IX Plus and Minus is all I hear

. The long-awaited chapter. I would like to apologize to you all for taking so long, but I simply didn't have time to start transcribing. So read on. Comments are welcome.

I'm doing everything I can. I still have a few things to take care of. There are medical tests at the orphanage...

" "Roll up your sleeve and grit your teeth," she said to A nurse held a syringe in her hand. I was semi-conscious. I couldn't wait to have my blood drawn. I staggered back to my room and threw myself on the bed. I'd get the results tomorrow. Why do I need another piece of paper? It was time to go to Maciek's. I had to explain that we couldn't be together. The streets were filled with sunlight. I reached Maciek's white house and rang the bell. The door opened.

"Oh, Adam, I wasn't expecting you. I'm leaving now.

" "Okay," I replied and sat down on the wall. I didn't have to wait long. Maciek came out and tried to kiss me goodbye, but I moved away.

"Maciek, no. That's exactly what I'd like to talk to you about.

" "No problem." We walked a long way. To my park. I looked at my house. I didn't miss my family. I missed my house, my apartment. All the things in it. We sat on the lawn. Silence fell.

"So what did you want to tell me?" He clearly grew impatient

. "Well... We can't meet. We have to break up. I told you about Kasia. I have a child with her. I mean, she's pregnant.

" "So what's the deal? You have a pregnant girlfriend, so you can't meet with me?

" "Yes, I can't and I don't want to. That's all.

" "Okay, if that's what you want, I'll respect that. Maybe I'll go now. Goodbye." Maciek got up and left. After [five minutes, I got up too and returned to the orphanage. I decided to spend the rest of the day alone.

***

The next morning, I was woken up by a knock on the door. I got up and opened it.

"A letter for you."

"Thanks," I replied, closing the door, still staring at the package. A letter from the hospital. These must be the test results. I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter. "

Notice:

You are requested to report to the clinic today to collect your test results.

Yours sincerely,

Mariusz Dudak,

MD."

I read the letter twice. "But why should I come for the results?" Everyone received them immediately. I got dressed and took the letter to the nurse.

"I don't know what this is about, but if you have to go, go," he replied, clearly confused. I put the letter in my pocket and headed for the clinic. I was afraid. I walked through the glass doors, and a chill ran down my spine. I stood at the registration window.

"Good morning, I received a letter." I pulled out the letter and handed it to the nurse. She read it clearly and seemed to know something I didn't. She looked at me with a motherly gaze.

"Honey, sit over there and wait your turn." I obediently sat down on the wooden bench. Minutes passed, and I grew increasingly afraid. Finally, the door opened, and I heard my name.

"Please come in," the young doctor said, entering the office, and I followed. I sat down on the couch.

"Are you here for the test results?

" "Yes, that's right

." "I don't have good news for you. We've done additional tests. You're HIV-positive. Do you know what that means?" A bomb went off in my head. I searched through everything I'd learned in biology class. "Seropositive...

" "Is it AIDS?

" "Not quite. You're not AIDS-positive yet. You have the HIV virus inside you. It causes AIDS. But it could take ten years before that happens. Until then, we'll be slowing down the process with medication. Unfortunately, this disease is fatal and incurable. Do you know how you could have been infected?"

"I had unprotected sex..." "I had nothing to hide. And I didn't care anymore...

" "You have to ask that person to get tested. Here are the leaflets and information that..." I stopped listening. My mind was somewhere far away.

"...Well, hang in there. Remember what I told you." I thanked him and left. I didn't know where to go. Once I'd entered the orphanage, the caregiver approached me.

"So, did you get your results? What were they like?" I pulled the paper with the results out of my pocket and wordlessly handed it to him. I headed toward the room. I had to come up with a plan. Did I get infected from Kasia or Maciek? They had to get tested. What if I infected someone? The caregiver and the teacher entered the room. Only then did I realize I was in tears. I quickly turned away, wiping my face and pretending to tie my shoe. Padagod was the first to start the conversation.

"Adam, we've seen your test results. We know what seropositive means." There was a silence, broken by the caregiver.

"You'll leave on Wednesday. You'll spend some time at the sanatorium. Pack up all the necessary things.

" "But that's in two days!" "I didn't want to leave so soon. I don't want to go at all.

" "Yes, in two days. You're free until then. I understand you have to take care of your own business." After these sentences, they stood up and left the room. Loneliness. I quickly came to my senses. I grabbed my jacket and ran outside...

Chapter X: Loneliness in a Crowd of People

. The next chapter has seen the light of day. I apologize to everyone for the state of the blog, but it's not up to me. The server where I had the template went down. I have to find a new template and transfer everything. But for now, I invite you to read and greet my regular readers.

I was running, and the streets were filled with people. I didn't care if I was pushing others. I had one goal: to reach Maciek and Kasia. Find out who infected me and if I had already infected anyone else. I banged on Maciek's door. It opened, and Maciek stood there with a look of surprise on his face.

"I knew you'd come to your senses and come back," he said with satisfaction

. "I haven't changed my mind at all." I pushed him into the hallway.

"I have HIV!! Do you know who I could have caught it from?! "

So what if you have HIV?! You could have caught it from me. I have it too. Didn't I tell you? Oh, what a shame." His eyes flashed menacingly. He didn't feel sorry at all. He consciously didn't admit it.

"Now, get out!" He pushed me out the door and slammed it. I took a few steps and collapsed to the ground. Rain began to fall. I lay on the ground, my tears mingling with the raindrops. An old woman with a maternal expression approached me.

"What's wrong, boy?" she asked, bowing to me. I sat down on the cold, wet concrete. I looked into the woman's green eyes. She was smiling at me.

"You remind me so much of my grandson." Her face grew sad, and a tear rolled down her cheek. I stood up and sat with the old woman on a nearby bench.

"What happened to your grandson?

" "He died... It's my fault... He was a drug addict... He overdosed... I could have reacted somehow... stopped him." She choked out between sobs. Suddenly, she hugged me and cried. I felt somehow more valuable.

"It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself. It's really not your fault..." The old woman calmed down. She stopped crying.

"I have a favor to ask of you. Call me Grandma. It's very important to me. Could you do this for me?

" "Okay... Grandma." I smiled at her, and she beamed.

"I have to go, Grandma. I still have something to do. Goodbye. I hope we'll meet again."

"Me too." She hugged me again and walked away into the dark street. I headed in the opposite direction. In the direction I'd been afraid to go for the first time. Toward Kasia's house. The time and the drive stretched mercilessly. I stood in front of the house and didn't have the courage to ring the doorbell. I didn't have to, because Kasia opened the door.

"Adam, what are you doing here? Has something happened?" she said instead of greeting me, and she looked at me with concern.

"It happened. Unfortunately, it happened. Can I come in?

" "Go ahead," she replied, letting me through. I sat on the couch, and Kasia sat next to me. Why is all this happening to me? Why do I have to deal with this?

" "Kasia, you have to go for blood tests. I'm leaving tomorrow. They're sending me to a sanatorium because..." I fell silent.

"What tests? Why? Why are they sending you?" Kasia's mind was spinning. I had to force myself. End of the lie.

"They detected HIV in me. I got it from Maciek. I'm afraid you... You need to get tested.

" "Adam..." She choked out and threw her arms around my neck. She started crying. I hugged her, and tears streamed down my face as well.

"I won't leave you. We'll live with this together. I'll help you. Everything will be alright," she whispered. Her words rang in my head as I left. "Everything will be fine, I hope it will be." Kasia went for tests and I went back to the orphanage. To my room. Ramona was sprawled on the bed.

"Hey, Ramona, how's it going?

" "Shit," she turned her face towards me. "And where are you?

" "Same here, but I hope everything will be fine." I threw myself on my bed

. "I'm leaving tomorrow. Not of my own free will. They're sending me to some sanatorium." I finished and waited for Ramona's reply.

"So you'll have a vacation. The sanatorium is awesome. You do whatever you like.

" "Cool," I replied. I didn't want to discuss it. It wasn't "Cool" at all. It never will be.

We meet three kinds of people. Those who need us, those we need, and friends we like to be with. At that moment, I needed a lot of people. My soul was screaming. But no one heard it. ...

Chapter XI Do you hear the music playing far away?

And that's what XI Chapter. I wrote this chapter while I was still in the mountains. I hope you like it. And please leave comments because I'm not sure whether to continue writing or end the story. Best regards.

Six a.m. Wake up and leave. My bag was already waiting for me. Ramona was still asleep, her black hair falling over her face. I got dressed and, with my bag, went outside to where my car was waiting. I looked at the much-hated orphanage. Still, I didn't want to leave. I put my bag in the trunk and sat in the backseat. The driver went out to smoke. I turned and pressed myself against the rear window. Someone was running along the street toward me. She reminded me of someone. But it couldn't be...

"Kasia?!" I quickly got out of the car. Kasia ran up to me, panting and crying.

"I made it... I was already scared... I want to say goodbye... I had tests..." She tried to get it all out as quickly as possible, but her breathlessness wouldn't let her.

"Seropositive!" Kasia fell to her knees. I knelt beside her and looked into her eyes. They were a wonderful blue. They blurred with tears.

"Remember what you told me? We'll live with this together. Everything will be alright." I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

"Oh, Adam, what would I do without you?" She hugged me

. "Now let's get up or we'll get sick again," I said, and helped Kasia stand.

"I have to go. We'll see each other in a while. I'll write a lot. Take care of them." I placed my hand on her belly. Kasia smiled again and placed her hand on mine.

"I definitely will. Don't worry." I approached Kasia and kissed her goodbye.

"See you later," I whispered, and returned to the car. "

Let's go," I said to the driver, and the car began to move. I opened the window and looked out. Kasia was standing there waving. I waved back, and at that moment the car began to pick up speed...

We were already behind Safaga. We were hurtling along the wide highway. I was tired of the questions, "How much longer?" and "Where are we going?" because the driver wasn't inclined to talk. Finally, we turned onto a narrow street, and in front of us stood the tall building of a sanatorium. We stopped.

"Get out, you bastard," the driver grumbled .

"What did you call me?

" "Just like you heard. Not only am I a faggot, but I'm also a piece of shit." I knew why he didn't want to talk to me. He must have heard my story from the orphanage's caretaker. I quickly grabbed my bag and headed into the building. I entered the hall and left my bag. And what next? But a young boy was already walking towards me. He was no older than 19.

"Adam, right?

" "Yes

." "I'm Jacek. Nice to meet you." I'll take you to the room that will be your home for the duration of your stay at the center." It seemed to me that Jacek knew this spiel by heart.

"There are three meals a day. At 8:00, 1:00, and 6:00 p.m." He continued on the way to the room.

"You'll also have rehabilitation, relaxation, and psychological sessions." We finally reached the room.

"That's all for now. Have a pleasant stay."

"Thank you." I took my bag from Jacek and went into the room. It was a spacious room with a bathroom, a TV, and a large wardrobe. I put my bag in the wardrobe and threw myself onto the soft bed.

"Maybe it'll be a vacation?" It was approaching 1 p.m. If I understood correctly, dinner was supposed to be at that time. I got up and left the room. I just don't know where the dining room is. A short girl came out of the room next door. I had no other choice.

"Hi, I'm Adam. I'm new here and I don't know where the dining room is. Can you help me?

" "Hi, I'm Wiktoria. Nice to meet you. Of course I'll help you. I'm on my way there. Follow me." We walked along the long corridor and down the stairs. We reached a door with a sign above it that said "DINING ROOM."

"So here we are." I'm eating at that table over there, but unfortunately, there are no free seats." She pointed to the table on the right.

"But there's an empty one right across from me, so you can sit there. That's it for now." Wiktoria marched to the table on the right, and I went to the table in the middle. Three boys and two girls were sitting at the table. I sat down in an empty seat

. "Hi everyone, I'm Adam

- Kamil -

Radek

- Dominika

- Malwina

- Mateusz - Mateusz

. "Nice to meet you all," I managed, and we ate dinner.

I was already back in my room with my entire escort. Kamil, Radek, Dominika, Malwina, Mateusz, and Wiktoria walked me right to the door, laughing at my jokes.

"That's it for now. See you later." I entered the room and saw the schedule on the table. I have a session with a psychologist in the common room near the dining room in an hour. I'll get some sleep by then.

I got up after an hour and went down to the common room. The chairs were arranged in a circle. Some had already taken their seats. I sat down and waited. The room slowly filled until all the seats were occupied. The psychologist came in.

"Hello. I see a new face." She looked at me. "So, let me introduce myself. My name is Daria and I'm the psychologist here. What's your name?" She turned to me. I knew what was coming.

"My name is Adam

." "Okay, Adam. Tell me where you're from and why you're here.

" "Well, as I was saying, my name is Adam. I come from Safaga. I'm here because... because I have... HIV." Whispers broke out. I should have expected this. "I

already know a lot about it. You can't get infected by being in the same room with someone or by shaking hands. You can only get infected through blood or sexual intercourse, which is probably impossible under these conditions." I laughed quietly, hoping the others would get the joke too. But the quiet whispers were interrupted only by the psychologist.

Okay, that's enough. Let's get to class...

After class, I returned to my room alone. My happiness fled me as quickly as it had arrived. I threw myself on the bed and thought the idyll was over. The finger-pointing and the sarcastic texts would begin. However, someone knocked on the door. I got up and opened it, and six people were standing in front of the door.

"Can we come in?" I stepped aside without a word. They all entered and sat on the bed. I sat down next to them.

"We wanted to tell you that it doesn't matter that you have HIV," Mateusz began. "You're one of us, and we want to be friends with you." Mateusz extended his hand first. Malwina placed her hand on Mateusz's, and the others placed theirs on Malwina's. With some hesitation, I placed my hand too, and I felt my life changing for the better.

Chapter XII: Searching for Our Whispers, the Gentle Touch of Our Lips

. And so begins the next chapter. Thank you so much for the numerous visits; the count has already exceeded 1,700. Thanks also for the comments. There were as many as 13 recently. Best regards, and I apologize for the delay in publishing this chapter. Read on and let me know what you think :D

I woke up this morning in my spacious room. However, it wasn't the sun that woke me from my sleep, but an insistent knock on the door. I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, and opened the door. The courier was standing there.

"Sorry to wake you, but they said you were in your room, and I have to deliver this letter in person." He handed me a narrow brown envelope.

"Thanks," I replied, signed a piece of paper, and closed the door. Stunned, I sat on the edge of the bed, still staring at the envelope in my hands. In one swift movement, I opened it and pulled out the white slip.

It is with the deepest regret that we inform you that your father died last night from alcohol poisoning. The funeral will take place tomorrow (Wednesday) afternoon. For more information, please ask the parish priest or the informed family. Our condolences.

Family Care Home.

I read the letter a second time. Another piece of paper announcing bad news. My father had done me a lot of harm, and yet I felt bad. I don't know why. I don't understand my reaction. I put the letter back on the shelf. Sleep had completely vanished from me. I pulled on jeans and my favorite black shirt. What should I do? I have to go home quickly. I stood in front of the mirror, and my pride was restored. I noticed that I was handsome after all. I left the room. I went downstairs and stood in front of the reception desk.

"Good morning. I need to know where a caregiver is. Will you tell me?

" "Yes, of course." The receptionist smiled, revealing his missing teeth.

"In room two. The one on the right." He pointed to a door with red upholstery and a black number two sticker.

- Thanks.

I went to the door and knocked. A sleepy Jacek opened the door. He was completely naked, which surprised me greatly.

"Adam... Oh fuck!" He looked down. He understood and quickly slammed the door. I waited. After two minutes, the door opened again, but this time Jacek was in a black scarf.

"Sorry, I forgot about the clothes. What did you want?" He smiled and tried to pretend nothing had happened. He couldn't.

"Yes. I got a letter. My father died. The funeral is tomorrow, and I'd like to attend. Will I get something like a leave of absence?"

"Oh yes. I'm sorry. Of course you can go. Go upstairs, grab the things you need, and come downstairs. I'll take you. Now, if you'll let me..." He gestured to his scant clothing and his room.

"Yes, yes, of course." I turned and went back to my room.

"The things you need..." I whispered to myself. I grabbed my backpack and stuffed a shirt and black pants inside. I think that's all. My question wasn't much. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and reached the exit. Now all I had to do was wait for Jacek. Ten minutes later, I finally arrived. Jacek was dressed in a suit. Prepared for any occasion.

"So, where are we going?" I was about to open my mouth and say the address, but as if reading my mind, Jacek beat me to it.

"I have the address. That red BNW is mine. Get in." I quickly settled into the comfortable seat. We set off, leaving the sanatorium far behind. After a long drive, we finally arrived. We stopped in front of the gray building that houses the orphanage.

"Why did we come here?

" "This is your home. You're registered here. I called before arriving. They have information about everything here. They're waiting for you and..." Jacek fell silent for a moment, as if wondering whether to continue.

"And?" "I wanted to know who else was waiting for me." Jacek had no choice.

"And your mother, if you'd like to talk to her." I looked into space, but my vision went completely blank. Memories came flooding back. The good ones from my early childhood and the bad ones from later. Jacek interrupted my thoughts.

"Come on, let's go, they're definitely waiting." We passed through the door and were greeted by Mr. Romek, my guardian.

"Hello, Adam. I'm sorry we're meeting under these circumstances. Adam, as you already know, your father has passed away. You'll spend the night here and go to the funeral tomorrow. Your mother is waiting for you and would like to talk to you. You're 16 now, and you have to decide for yourself if you want this." Mr. Roman finished and waited for a clear answer. He was right. I'm 16 now. I'd completely forgotten about having another birthday.

"Okay, I'll meet my mother.

" "Go to your room. Your mother will be there soon." I headed in a familiar direction. I opened the door to the room and saw Ramona.

"Adam?! You here? Shouldn't you be at your sanatorium?" Ramona fired a series of questions at me.

"Hi Ramona. It's nice to see you too. I'm back for my father's funeral. My mother should be here soon, so I'd appreciate it if you'd please come out." At that moment, there were a few knocks on the door, and a tall, slim woman entered the room. She was pretty and well-groomed. This time, she wasn't wearing a short red miniskirt, but a long black dress and a black blouse, as befits a widow. She stood in the doorway and looked at me. I hadn't even noticed Ramona leave the room.

"Adam..." My mother began shyly. "

I didn't want it to be like this. I've been here for an hour. They told me everything about what happened to you. I really didn't know. I'm sorry." I sensed a falseness in her voice. A sudden surge of emotion? She hadn't been interested in me for all these years, and now she's apologizing and saying she didn't know. She could have found out!! I couldn't forgive her so easily.

"You don't even know how much I've been through!" Stupid stories reveal nothing! It's all inside me! Do you understand?! IN ME! - I turned my face away. Genuine tears were streaming down my mother's cheeks. She hid her face in her hands. She sobbed quietly. I couldn't bear it. Everything inside me was throbbing, and she was showing weakness. I wanted to run out of the room, but I couldn't. Too much running. Long-forgotten problems must be solved.

- Mom - How strange that sounds coming from my mouth.

- Everything will be alright... Don't worry... I'm not asking for more than you can give me. - I did the most unexpected thing. I hugged her and cried on her shoulder. There are things even the greatest scientists could never have dreamed of. Love is certainly one of them...

2

Chapter VI

BAD DREAMS

Mader looking on My, tall my what you see? Yes, I lost my mind!

I arrived at school. The whispers were still with me, but different. People were moving away from me. As if they were afraid of me. I was with Ramona. I didn't know she went to the same school. And suddenly I understood: They're afraid of Ramona, not me. Maybe they'll gain respect for me? The bright scars still glistened on her arm. The teachers' attitude, however, hadn't changed. And Kasia. She kept glancing at me. A tear rolled down her cheek a few times... A long pause. I thought I'd spend it alone. Suddenly, Bartek was coming closer. More thoughts of what he would do to humiliate me were forming in my head. He stood in front of me and said:

"You know, Adam, I want to apologize. I didn't think I could ruin your life like this." "Have Bartek developed any human feelings? And does the whole school know what happened to me?" Bartek turned and walked away. Something stirred inside me. A shiver. I realized. I'm not gay. I never was. The past in my head suddenly changed. All the bad memories turned to good. I couldn't think about it now, even though it was too strange. I love Kasia! I'll tell her." I ran to the yard. She always hangs out there. I see her. She's standing outside the school gate. But I don't understand what's happening. She's standing with some 25-year-old guy. I run toward her. Kasia is arguing. Why? What's her connection to this guy? The man grabbed her by the arm and stabbed her with his other hand. NO!! She's running away. Kasia collapsed to the ground. In a pool of blood.

"Kasia, don't leave me! Not YOU! Please!" I grabbed her hand. She was already dead. Her heart stopped beating. Her blood was on my hands. I stood up. I can't leave this like this. I ran toward the killer's escape. I see him!

"Stop! I'll kill you, you bastard!" I screamed. Only one thought dominated my mind: revenge. The man stopped. He turned toward me. He pulled out a gun and pulled the trigger....

I woke up. I was lying on the floor of the room. In the orphanage. Just like before. The dream hadn't changed, and my hand lay in a pool of blood...

Chapter VII:

THE CONFUSION OF THE NIGHT

I quickly got up from the floor. The dream was so strange and real, but it was ONLY a dream. I was still alone. I found bandages on Ramona's shelf. As if she knew what would happen. I carefully wrapped my hand in a bandage. It was almost dinner time. I felt weak. I must have lost a lot of blood. The floor was completely red, but I decided to deal with it later. I went to the dining room. Luckily, I was alone. I helped myself to a generous portion. Everyone here ate whenever they wanted... I regained my strength. I had to run a few errands. I slipped out of the den. I was free, and it was starting to scare me. What now? Who should I go to? Maciek! My only hope. I snuck through dark alleyways. And here I am. My moment. With a trembling hand, I rang the intercom.

"Hello?

" "Good evening, is Maciek?

" "Yes, sir.

" "So, Adam, will you let me in?" That was my only thought. I struggled with refusal. Suddenly, the door opened. Maciek stood in the doorway, wearing only his boxers.

"I was just going to bed.

" "And I have nowhere to go. They'll start looking for me tomorrow. Will you put me up for the night?" Silence fell. Maciek thought hard. Suddenly, he embraced me and led me inside.... It happened. In the morning, we woke up in bed together. Maciek turned to me.

"That was something." He tried to kiss me again, but I turned my back to him.

"What happened?"

"No, nothing. I'm tired after that night." Something inside me changed. As if someone had stolen a part of me. Maciek wrapped his arms around my waist and closed his eyes. I flew out of bed like a slingshot.

"What happened now?" he asked

. "I thought about your parents. They can't see me with you. Naked!" I quickly found my own clothes from the clothes scattered around the room. I dressed. Maciek just watched my struggles and, without getting up, laughed.

"You're great, you know?" Hahhahah.

"Why are you laughing? You probably don't want your parents to see us in the same bed.

" "My parents aren't coming back for another week. There's no need to worry." I sat down on a nearby chair. The excuse fell apart. I don't know why, but despite that night, I wanted to go.

"So, Adam, what happened at your place? We didn't talk much last night," he said, smiling mischievously. He was clearly enjoying this immensely. He got out of bed and started getting dressed.

"You know, nothing interesting. After our argument, I tried to kill myself. And then I ended up in the hospital..." I began recounting all the events of the past few weeks. After finishing the story, Maciek replied,

"Well, at least you weren't bored." And he went to the kitchen. I couldn't shake the nagging doubts. "Should I do this?" I threw on my jacket and put on my shoes.

"Maciek, I'm going out, I'll be back late." I didn't wait for an answer and left... I reached my destination – Sevastopolska Street. I won't deny that I feel like a man whore. I need to get this out, and only one person was listening. A slender girl emerged from the house.

"Uh, hi Kasia!" I shouted, and Kasia turned abruptly.

"Adam!? Come on, come inside!" I ran up to her, and we went inside. We sat on the couch. I didn't know how to begin. She took the initiative.

"I broke up with him.

" "What?!

" "Well, I broke up with him. With Jack. With my boyfriend. I wanted to forget about you.... But I already did!" She practically shouted. The room was quite dark. I couldn't see much in the darkness. Her gleaming eyes, her captivating smile, encouraged me. I kept wondering if she was being too casual. I desperately fought with myself. Suddenly, she embraced me. Her lips touched mine. I whispered

, "I can't, I just can't." Then I lifted my face and looked deep into her eyes. My wet lips touched hers. At first shyly, then more boldly and urgently. We simply gave in, surrendering completely to our kiss. We whispered and searched for each other's mouths.

"Now I have to tell you something. Remember that night? I'm scared. My period is late. And I'm vomiting. Too often. I think I'm pregnant.... WITH YOU" – I was afraid of this news. A gay man has a child? But is he really gay? Now I really feel like a man whore. A child, a lover, and a girl I just stopped kissing. Happy isn't someone who seems different, but someone who considers themselves different....

Chapter VIII

For you, my love

. A beautiful morning. Fortunately, or perhaps not, I returned to the orphanage. Of course, this carried many consequences. I was banned from leaving my room and had to do extra work like washing dishes or the floor. But who cares. I told Ramona everything.

"Well, then you're screwed, man," she concluded my confession.

"First you messed with the kid and then you screwed with your friend. Big shit." Ramona never paid attention to her language. At times, it became too vulgar for me.

"My fault? It all happened so fast. Now I'm at a dead end. And I don't know what to do." Those words were my last excuse.

"I did wrong. I know. But now I have to do something about it.

" "What are you supposed to do? It's obvious. You have two options. The first is to go to that friend...

" "Maćek," I said casually

. "Okay, you go to that Maciek and tell him it was great but you can't be together, and then you take care of the girl and the little brat.

" "And the second option?" "I knew it wouldn't be better than the first.

" "The second is to take care of the baby. You explain to the girl that you have this... well... Maciek and you'll be sharing a bed with the guy." After those words, Ramona sneered. I didn't like it. Somehow, her alternatives didn't appeal to me.

"Okay, I guess I'll play it out myself. But thanks for the good intentions.

" "You're welcome. Ramona's always at your service." She burst into laughter and left the room. I was left alone with my thoughts. Maciek... Kasia... Child... Love... Desire... Five threads I was thinking about. Maciek-Desire, Kasia-Child, and what about Love? What about Love?

"Stupid wordplay!" I threw myself on the bed.

"What am I supposed to do? "

Knock, knock, knock

. "What's that?" A distinct tapping of pebbles against the window. It could only be one person. I looked out the window.

"Maciek!?" "How did he find me? I know. I've already spilled the beans. Damn it, I didn't know it would turn out this way.

" "Hey, Adam. You didn't come back, so I thought you'd been taken. And I guess I was right. Can you come down?

" "Unfortunately not." They're keeping a close eye on me now. But you can go upstairs – I don't believe my own words. Upstairs? Why am I even inviting Him?!

"Okay, I'm coming!" I heard Maciek say, and I already knew it wasn't good. "Knock!" "Knock!" "

Come in.

" "Here I am." He sat down next to me on the bed and put his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to move away, but I still didn't have a strategy. Suddenly, Ramona entered the room.

"Oh, I see you have a guest. How sweet." Her tone didn't suggest flattery. But that's just her nature.

"Hi, I'm Maciek. Nice

to meet you." "Hi... Maciek... Oh, I remember!! You were the one who was fucking Adam." Ramona's face was filled with satisfaction. She's too direct. And I wanted to kill her. I looked at her with the eyes of a homicidal maniac. Maciek, however, wasn't fazed.

"Yes, it's me. And honestly, it's the first time I've experienced such pleasure in my life." I couldn't believe my ears! He simply talked about it as if it were a bike ride. Am I just a copulatory organ?!

"That's great. Maybe I'll leave you two alone. Everyone needs a moment of privacy." That smile again. Deep satisfaction. Ramona left the room again. My face clearly showed acute psychological shock, because Mack was alarmed.

"Are you okay? You're a bit vague.

" "No, no, I'm okay. I feel better now.

" "That's good. What your friend said isn't so stupid. I'd like to experience it again sometime. Okay, time for me to go. Anyway, you know where I live. For now." He practically threw himself at me. He gave me a deep kiss and, closing the door, said,

"I couldn't resist." "I don't know why, but I didn't feel any pleasure in it. Maybe it was the shock? And the feeling that von only wanted to know me so that, as Ramona put it, "he could 'fuck' me." And that wasn't a pleasant feeling. This presented me with a new choice... I threw myself at a nearby shelf.

"Where is it!? It was there somewhere! I have it!" I pulled a narrow piece of paper from under a book. On it was a nine-digit number and the signature "Kasia" with squiggly lines. A cell phone. I need a cell phone. I focused all my thoughts. Who has a cell phone? Paweł from room no. 2! But will he lend it to me? To some "Mad" boy? But that doesn't count. I have to try. I put the piece of paper in my pocket and left the room. I knocked on the door of room no. 2. Silence. Footsteps. A plump boy with glasses stood in the doorway.

"Hi Paweł.

" "Well, hello

." "I have a huge case. I need a cell phone. Or, to be more precise, one text message. It's really important. You'll forgive me if I don't fill you in." I held my breath and waited for the verdict.

"Exactly." I'll give you that text message. I breathed a sigh of relief. I entered the room, and Paweł handed me his cell phone. I texted: "Ul. Wykładowa 18, Children's Home. Safaga. Come, I'm waiting for you. Room no. 6." I entered the number and sent it.

"Thanks. You saved my life. See you later." I returned to my room and lay down on the bed. The minutes dragged by mercilessly. I fell asleep. I don't know how long I slept. A knock woke me up. Intrusive. I opened the door and knew who I would see: Kasia. I quickly grabbed her hand and wordlessly led her into the room. We sat down. Kasia watched me curiously, waiting for my first move. After all, it was I who "brought her here." Everything fell into place in my head. I got up and locked the door. Kasia must have understood because her eyes began to sparkle. I sat down on the bed again. At her side. I kissed her. I put my arm around her. We were still locked in the kiss. Her hands restlessly roamed my back. We sank onto the bed. Slowly and passionately, we took off each other's clothes, and our lips sought each other's, eager for a kiss. We did it quite consciously. In the rapture of love, I whispered:

"This is for you, my Love..."

Gray Reality

Prologue

Hi. My name is Adam and I live in a small town called Safaga, North Carolina. I'm 15 years old and I go to a small middle school. Unfortunately, I'm struggling with many problems. Come, let me delve into my secrets....

Chapter I:

A DAMN LIFE

Morning. The loud shriek of my alarm clock wakes me up. Unfortunately, I have to get up for school. I don't want to. Behind the wall, my parents are arguing again. My father just left and slammed the door. It's like this almost every day. I don't call him "Dad" anymore, but "Father." Because I'm only connected to him by blood... but even that, I have some doubts. I try to do all my morning chores quickly and quietly... I don't want to upset my mother even more. I quickly throw on my jacket, grab my bag, and leave the house without saying goodbye. This is how I always start every damn day. On the way to school, I'm thinking about death, and five minutes later I'm at school. In a kennel, just like ours. As soon as I get there, I hear whispers and insulting remarks directed at me. It's like this all the time during breaks. I don't know why... I haven't done anything to them, I don't even know them... it's the same in class... "Faggot..." they say it quietly so the teacher doesn't hear. All of this is directed at me from my "friends." Teachers also treat me differently... Cold... they're never on my side. It's all because I'm simply different from everyone else. In first grade, first semester, it was different... I was liked... I had friends... Until I told it. Of course, secretly to my friend. Here's one of my secrets that unfortunately came to light: I'm gay... I tried to "cure" it somehow, but to no avail. My friend "accidentally" told Bartek about it. To the third-grade student who talked about it all over the school. Kasia apologized to me many times, and I finally forgave her. She's one of the few who tolerates me for who I am. There are a few other girls in my class who don't mind, and I'm happy because at least I have someone to turn to when things get difficult. After school, Kasia and I go for a smoke... Another thing she's drawn me into. Sometimes I also go for a beer to shake this terrible reality. As soon as I get home, I find my father drunk and angry... I get a slap in the face for... not making my bed. I lock myself in my room and pour out my sorrows in poetry. I have to do my homework and study hard because I have a feeling I'll be questioned the next day. In the evenings, I leave the house and go to the park, 500 meters away. I want to be alone and as far away from home as possible. I spend hours walking dark alleys and thinking... I often cry. Empty Alleys represent my life, my soul. When I get home, I often get hit, but I don't care anymore. I go to bed and dread the next day.

A SAD LIGHT IN THE ABYSS OF LIFE

This time I was awakened by a scream

: "See what you're doing to yourself?! You're an alcoholic!"Fucking Alcoholic!

"Maybe you're better than me?! You're whoring on the street!

" "I'm earning my bread!"

I didn't want to hear it anymore. I turned up the volume and packed my bags for school. I did it as quickly as possible and ran out of the house. The entire way, I had the feeling someone was following me. I checked my route more than once, but no one was there. I reached school and again felt eyes on my back. But that was just the beginning. During recess, things got worse... They surrounded me - four older guys. I didn't know what they were up to, but after their first words, everything was clear.

"You faggot, why are you hanging around here? Are you looking for someone to piss you off?" hahahhahaha

They laughed in panic. I quickly turned around and tried to run away... In vain... Their laughter still rang in my ears. They grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me into a garbage can. I knew the whole school was laughing. I gathered myself and left, covered in dirt. My head was bursting with laughter. Finally, I burst out...

"What do you want from me?! I don't care what you think of me!! Just leave me alone!"

The courtyard fell silent... I turned on my heel and ran in the opposite direction. I hid behind the school, the place where I always go to smoke. I was sobbing. I didn't think anyone would worry about me... But then again. It was Kasia, my friend. She was walking briskly towards me.

"So what are you doing?"

She smiled. At least she had good intentions.

"I'm doing nothing, I'm just sitting there crying, and you can't see it?"

"Well, you can see it, and that's the point. First they throw you in the trash, and then you shout at the whole school that they should leave you alone. Congratulations, you're doing better and better. Want to smoke?" "Thanks."

I

took a drag and felt all my sorrows vanish into the smoke. Because sometimes it's better to lose your mind than to go crazy.

The long-awaited end of classes finally arrived, and I headed home. With Kasia, of course. I really enjoyed talking to her. Is it just friendship? It's not impossible, I'm not attracted to girls... But is it really? I still had the same feeling of being watched as I had in the morning. I said goodbye to Kasia and headed towards my apartment building. I entered the apartment. My mother's room was locked, and steady sighs and screams emanated from inside.

"She's 'working,'"

I said to myself, and as I locked myself in, I drowned out the sounds of work with loud music.

"Boom, boom, boom."

Something bounced off the window. Someone was throwing pebbles at the window.

"Stop! You'll break my window!

" "Sorry..." I heard a male voice from downstairs. "I rang the bell, but no one answered, and I could hear the music."

It finally hit me

- I'm sorry, I wanted to drown out... I wanted to drown out something - I didn't mean to announce to the whole world that my mom was a whore. - I'll be down in a moment

I was curious what he wanted from me. I stepped outside and saw him clearly. Tall, handsome, brunette with alluring blue eyes.

"Hi, I'm Adam," I blurted out without thinking

. "I know. I'm Maciek, nice to meet you. I've been watching you all day...

" "So it's you! I knew someone was following me. Let's go to the park. We'll talk.

We were going to my park. My lonely place..." We sat down on a bench

. "Okay, tell me

." "So, I've heard about your problems... and how should I put it... about your orientation

." "If you want to make fun of me, drop it

." I knew it didn't sound friendly.

"No! Quite the opposite. I have a similar "problem." I'd like to meet you. Know someone like me."

Those words immediately choked me up. I didn't think I'd meet someone with the same views on sexuality.

We chatted for two hours, strolling through dark alleys. Finally, we reached my apartment building.

"Thanks for the conversation." You've cheered me up," I said and smiled.

"Thank you. I've found someone I can turn to."

After those words, he leaned in and tried to kiss me goodbye, but I suddenly pulled away. I don't know why....

"Sorry, I think it's not time yet."

"Well, see you then," he said and ran into the dark street. I turned around and climbed up to the third floor. I entered the apartment and, surprisingly, found no one. I changed into my pajamas and went to bed. I lay there and thought only about two people. About Kasia and Maciek.

"Maybe not all is lost..."

Chapter III

FIRST ATTEMPT

Valentine's Day. The day I hated. I was always alone. This time it's the same. This year, Valentine's Day is on Saturday. So today. As always, I was in no hurry to get up. I decided not to waste this day just because of a stupid holiday. As soon as I got up, I was gone. I decided to change something. This time I went to the park in the morning. I sat on a bench and watched the birds. So innocent, beautiful, not tainted.

"Adam!" I thought it was in my imagination

. "Adam!" The cry grew louder and louder.

"For God's sake, Adam!" I finally looked around. It was Kasia. She was running slowly towards me.

"Don't say the name.... And there... Hi Kasia." I skipped the sermon and greeted Kasia.

"I see you're spending Valentine's Day alone too

—what? Do you think I'll spend it with someone? You know perfectly well I don't recognize that holiday."

"Of course," Kasia said defiantly. "Come to my place, we'll celebrate Valentine's Day alone." We went to her place. Kasia is a rich girl with a single-family house.

"Aren't your parents here?"

"They went to see my sick Grandma. I have a spare house." I wondered why she didn't go either.

But the thought quickly slipped from my mind. Kasia had prepared a generous amount of vodka, wine, and rum. She turned on some music. And so it began. We poured out our problems, and with each sip, the atmosphere became more relaxed. It was almost midnight. We went outside and gazed at the beautiful sky. Suddenly, Kasia turned to her side and looked at me. I did the same. The alcohol took over. We stared into each other's eyes for a long time. Suddenly, Kasia leaned in, and we began kissing passionately. She slowly pulled off my shirt, and... I blacked out. I woke up in the early morning. I was surprised to find myself almost naked. I had no idea what had happened the night before. I quickly gathered my things and ran home. I didn't know what to do with myself. I guessed what had happened, but my mind was black. I decided to forget everything. I sank into my room, lost in my thoughts. I put my thoughts to paper:

Sitting at home,

I don't bother anyone.

Yet I'm stuck there like a locked slave,

always left out in the family.

When I go outside,

I feel the evil of the world,

how it intertwines with my fate...

They call me the son of nothingness

. They play terrible games with my feelings.

I'm no different. I'm

not to blame for you.

Such is my love.

Not fate.

Although this is too short a summary.

I'll say in conclusion,

I love in a guilty way.

It's so bad, it affects so many people.

I lay there for a few hours and thought about what to do next...

Afternoon came. I decided to go to the park again. I had only one hope: that I wouldn't run into Kasia. Luckily, after walking through the park, I didn't see anyone. I sat down in the meadow. I didn't count how long I sat there. Suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind. It was only Maciek. "

Hi, Adam. I knew I'd meet you here. I haven't seen you in a while."

"Oh yeah... I had a lot on my mind. You know how it is.

" "Yes, of course. I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No, why would you bother me?" I replied curtly, and we became lost in thought. We talked about various things.

And it happened. I blurted out what I hadn't.

"You have a completely different worldview than Kasia..."

"What Kasia?? Am I missing something?"

"No, I got it all wrong. I didn't mean to say that." That only made matters worse. Maciek sensed I was up to something. And he took it the wrong way.

"You know what? I don't feel like talking. Maybe you're not who I thought you were. Go to that Kasia!" He turned and ran into the darkness.

"Maciek, stop!" But it was too late. I'd lost my friend and support. I had nothing left. I went home. No one was home. I took the pills my father gave me from the cabinet. I swallowed them all. It doesn't hurt... I managed to lie down on the bed and slowly fell asleep...

I woke up in a white room. It was bright. Too bright. I thought it was heaven, but I felt a tube lodged in my throat. I was in the hospital. Grandma was standing over me. The only person who worried about me. My parents were gone. I managed to whisper,

"But he's alive... He's still alive..."

Chapter IV

Time Moves On

Finally, they removed that awful tube from my throat, and after a series of tests, I had to stay for two days for observation. I guess they wanted to make sure I wouldn't do it again. My grandma was still by my side. Finally, I dared to ask.

"Grandma, what was it like after that... you know... and where are my parents?" The second part of the question didn't really require an answer. I didn't care about my parents now. But I looked questioningly into Grandma's eyes.

"So, it was like this. I was washing the stairwells, as always. You know, Adam, it's a thankless job, but you have to make a living... so I washed up and decided to visit you.... I rang the bell for five minutes, but no one answered, and I heard noises... so I went inside. The door was open. And I saw you sprawled on the bed with an empty pill box in my hand. I already knew everything that had happened. I called the ER, and you found yourself here having your stomach pumped and disinfected. Your parents probably haven't noticed your disappearance until now... No wonder... Who did I raise!!?? in my own bosom!! - She burst into tears. I didn't know what to do. I hated seeing anyone cry. I don't know why, but I started crying too and hugged my grandmother. It relieved me and my grandmother. I made a decision... "

Grandma, I'll be staying with you... for now, let's just agree on a month, okay?

" "Well, we don't have to set boundaries. You'll stay as long as you need it," she practically recited. She clearly didn't want me to attempt suicide again. My grandmother lived on the outskirts of town in a small, single-family home. I always wondered how she managed to survive alone... I'd have plenty of time to think.

The first day I actually slept. Silence. No arguments, no shouting, no other noises. Just pure silence. That's what I needed. My grandmother seemed to hear me, and I saw her in the doorway.

"Are you awake yet?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Very well. Get up and get dressed. I'll make you breakfast in a moment. When you're dressed, go downstairs to the kitchen." She said hurriedly and left the room. I got out of bed and dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. It was warm, after all. Grandma was sitting at the kitchen table, spooning milk soup onto my plate.... I'd never eaten anything so good... but then again, I never eat breakfast. My first breakfast in a long time. My first home-cooked breakfast. I kissed Grandma thanking her and ran upstairs. I decided to go out and enjoy my freedom. I dressed carefully as always and set off to explore the neighborhood. I thought about Bartek. It was all "thanks" to his talkativeness. If it weren't for him, I would still be a popular and "normal" boy. I think he's emotionally underdeveloped. He simply doesn't understand that he's seriously hurt others' feelings. All he cares about is having fun and laughing. Even though his jokes aren't funny to many people. I've decided to end this conversation. It's already happened, and no one can change that. Fortunately, I didn't know anyone here, and I wasn't known. I could simply walk down the sunny street without malicious glances. It had been a long time since I'd been around people. I felt completely different. I was no longer Adam the homosexual. I was Adam the Human. A human like everyone else.

Chapter V

AMOR OMNIA VINCIT

I returned, but not home. I ended up in an orphanage. Soon, the first hearing in the case of terminating my parents' parental rights will be held. I'm 15 now, so I'll have to appear and point out all my mistakes to my parents' faces. I won't hesitate. I'm in a room with Ramona. I didn't think anyone could have problems like hers. Her mother got high, and two days later, her father hanged himself in the bathroom. "

I had to cut it off myself," she finished her sentence. A menacing metalhead with black hair and studs covering unsightly, brightly gleaming razor cuts. I was intrigued.

"Where did you get those cuts?" I asked, pointing to her arm. Ramona instinctively covered the scars.

"What's that to you?" she snapped angrily. I thought she'd ended the conversation with that. But I was wrong.

"Haven't you ever wanted to cut yourself? It relieves stress. And don't worry about the pain. You forget about it after a while." She went to the cabinet and pulled out a long, wooden box. She opened it and pulled out a silver object.

"Here, you might need it." With a trembling hand, I took the silver razor blade from Ramona. I slowly turned it over in my hands.

"I see you're interested," she said with a look of triumph on her face. "

It's a strange feeling. Many people suffer because of it, others die, and now I'm holding this in my hand..."

That night I couldn't sleep. I thought about recent events, and on the shelf was a gift from Ramona...

"It'll be okay, Adam," the orphanage's caregiver comforted me as I left in my formal attire. The first hearing was scheduled for today. I didn't know what to think. I reached the courthouse. There were many important people in the hallway. Attorneys. I reached the door of the courtroom where the hearing was to be held. I hesitated.

"Maybe I can sneak out?" "No, I'm going!" I entered the courtroom. My parents were sitting on the right. They didn't look at me. At the front of the courtroom stood an empty bench with four empty stools. I looked around again uncertainly. And I saw her. Kasia. She was sitting in the far-back bench for the "audience." She was waiting for someone. I had a feeling it was me. I walked up to the bench and sat down next to her.

"Hi, Adam. We haven't seen each other for a long time," Kasia said with embarrassment, then fell silent.

"I'm glad to see you too," I replied, smiling. I was about to ask something when a tall guy with spiked hair entered the room. He looked around the room and approached us.

"Hi Kasia," he said, kissing her on the cheek. I froze

. "I'm Jacek, Kasia's boyfriend. Nice to meet you. And you must be Adam, right?

" "Yes." I wanted to run away.

"Are you done talking yet? Come on." He grabbed Kasia's hand, and they left the room together. Kasia just looked at me apologetically for a moment. A tear streaked her face. I was left alone. Once again.

"Please stand up." Four sentzios entered the room...

The hearing ended as quickly as it had begun. I knew nothing about it. My mind was blank. I returned to the center. I acted on instinct. I opened the cabinet and pulled out a razor blade. I started cutting my hand. First, the pain. Terrible. Blood slowly trickled down my forearm. I felt a sudden sense of relief, along with the loss of blood. Because what we feel depends only on us....