The Three Fuckers: The Trivial Psychic Triad Part II

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* * *

The next academic year functionally minimized the number of fuckwits in Rhoedrick's apartment. During the holidays, the complete neutralization and perfect recycling of two fuckwits took place: Thomas and Lowelas. Their place was taken by the previously mentioned Paplo Modelko, Thomas's cousin.

The new tenant represented more acid and corruption than the previous two combined. Moreover, he agreed to clean the toilet once a week. When he even started taking out the trash, Rhoedrick was practically ecstatic.

* * *

Time to start the Polonez… Paplo treated himself to a real CEO chair. He slowly assembled it, and for several days, he did nothing but turn around in it, marveling at how soft it was.

Rhoedrick, meanwhile, was assembling an IKEA bed for three days. Whenever he thought he was finished, he discovered the mattress was facing down, or that instead of a bed, he'd assembled a table and some chairs.

* * *

In the third week of the academic year, Paplo went to a party. The two beers he'd consumed were meant to boost his confidence and encourage him. He'd dropped by a club and set his sights on a girl. A few more made it clear he wasn't interested in contact with a 100% animal. He'd been rejected several times. Finally, he settled on a less ambitious goal. He sought out a weak and sickly specimen, shunning the rest of the herd. A green sign reading "Access Granted" flashed in his mind.

Suddenly, while dancing, he noticed she was chewing not only chewing gum but also her hair. Disoriented, he bit off half the girl's ponytail and fled the scene. When the injured woman turned out to be a transvestite, Paplo stopped going to discos and grew a lush mohair on his chest.

* * *

Guest stars: Marek and Aga

"Look at what's going on in your body, Aga—eggs and sperm," Marek said, pointing to illustrations from a glossy women's magazine.

"If only that, Marek..." Agnieszka replied sadly.

"Well, a few pages earlier there was also an article called 'Small Mushroom, Big Problem'…

Six months later, Marek was going to Agnieszka with an engagement ring. He was also sick.

* * *

Rhoedrick was attending lectures with exponentially diminishing enthusiasm. On top of that, he was sick. He was popping aspirin like drops and washing it down with Coke. On the third day of his illness, he remarked with some shyness that the fever would probably go away after taking the morning-after pill.

He shared his idea with Dyndzler. Dyndzler replied:

"In your case, it's 20 years too late for the morning-after pill.

" "You're right, Dyndzler," Rhoedrick replied.

* * *

Despite appearances, Dzyndzler wasn't any better. Even for a wannabe engineer, he was a marked deviation from any norm. He certainly wasn't covered by any system of weights and measures. Nobody wanted him at Sèvres.

He and Rhoedrick were sitting watching a man repairing a coffee machine. The man opened the front panel and furiously rummaged through the machine's interior. Dzyndzler then said,

"Tell him the exit to the outside is on the other side of the building."

* * *

You might be surprised that everyone goes crazy in their own way. But why does a professor of physics say that a cyclotron is an inflated and closed intestine? Why does Dzyndzler, after watching Kill Bill Volume 1, say he liked guys with jacuzzis when the movie only featured guys with jacuzzis? Why is the grass green and the mohair on Pappel's chest so lush? You won't find the answers to these questions.

* * *

Rhoedrick sneaked into Chatterbox's room. Chatterbox was putting on his oh-so-cute and utterly unmanly pajamas. When he peeked his head above his collar and saw Rhoedrick watching him with his head tilted, he heard,

"See, that's some magic: you put on your pajamas and here I am!"

* * *

"You're hanging out with the devil in your computer room instead of listening to the Pope," was what Rhoedrick heard from his mother. Rhoedrick

wanted to listen, but he couldn't. While Rhoedrick wanted to listen to him, everyone else wanted to watch the Pope eat cream puffs.

* * *

After four hours of logic circuits, two lectures on numerical methods, dinner, and dessert, Rhoedrick was feeling tired. He went into Chatterbox's room and said,

"I don't feel like doing anything. The problem is, what I want doesn't exist. I'd buy the fifth installment of Loisel's Peter Pan, but it's not out yet." I'd go for a walk with my girlfriend, but she's not here yet either.

"And I'd buy myself a night vision goggles," Paplo said, letting out a loud gust of wind. Soon he bought himself a night vision goggles, and a month later a stool for doing sit-ups. And his buttocks still looked like dangling boxing gloves.

* * *

One afternoon, Paplo caught Rhoedrick taking long gulps of olive oil.

"You're a stupid robot," he said, and returned to his room, disoriented.

Rhoedrick immediately replied,

"You're an aunt. Too bad. If you weren't an aunt, you could have been an uncle.

" "If I were an uncle, I'd have died in the mine," Paplo replied, sneezing three times.

* * *

It was Sunday. Just an ordinary Sunday, any ordinary Sunday after an ordinary Saturday and an equally ordinary week of five extraordinarily ordinary days.

Paplo and Rhoedrick went to church. Their joy in life was restored by a girl who, at the prefect's command, "Give each other the sign of peace," looked left, then right, then left again, and finally shook hands with both Paplo and Rhoedrick. When they left, Rhoedrick said,

"It's lucky that at least some chap is shaking hands with us in church. It's not that bad yet, Paplo. The spirit of our nation hasn't died."

* * *

Rhoedrick always peed so loudly that the apartment resembled a summer house right next to Niagara Falls. Paplo wasn't having it so easy anymore. He struggled, squeezed, groaned, and shook. Finally, he exclaimed,

"It's because I had a difficult childhood and they scared me when I was in kindergarten. Now I'm scared and I can't pee."

Rhoedrick calmly watched Paplo leave the toilet and took his place. A moment later, the waters of Niagara began to rush down again, crashing against the gleaming shell. Rhoedrick shouted,

"Nobody was scaring me there. I was the one scaring others in the bathroom in elementary school and kindergarten. Everyone's life takes its toll on their prostate."

* * *

Rhoedrick had overcome his depression since moving in with Papel. He only occasionally shed tears at night, longing to return to kindergarten or even go even further back, to his mother's womb. Meanwhile, he was becoming increasingly irritated by the university—the Polytechnic. His classmates were driving him crazy.

During one lecture, the professor asked a student sitting in the front row:

"Can you do that example on the board?"

"No, no, no...

" "Maybe a colleague?"

"No, no. I'm even worse. "

The lecturer turned away, resigned, and Rhoedrick said to Dzyndzler, sitting next to him:

"Don't harden your hearts..."

* * *

When a person stops watching cartoons, it means something is changing within them. If he watches porn instead, it means he no longer understands cartoons. It's like a functional decomposition of the minimized function of many arguments. And you wake up with your hand in the potty...

* * *

Paplo once went into KFC and ordered two Zinger Menu sets. As he paid, he asked,

"Are there any light bulbs?"

The waitress looked at him as if he were an idiot. Paplo noticed the look and added,

"...because we're looking for..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Dzyndzler was living up to his nickname less and less. With each passing day, he was becoming more and more of a Casanova. He was hitting on four girls a week on average. Meanwhile, nothing was happening in Rhoedrick's life. He was lying in the bathtub, reading a book. And the summer was beautiful that year... And the lilacs were blooming all around...

* * *

Rhoedrick still had to go home on weekends to recharge. Upon returning, he usually felt down, thinking about the coming week.

But since Paplo had moved in with him, the atmosphere had improved significantly. Acid filled the entire apartment, and both Rhedrick and Paplo were laughing almost constantly. Rhoedrick was peeling an orange. Paplo, despite his very dull sense of smell, aptly observed:

"It smells...

" "Yes, but in your case, the whole adventure will end with the smell," Rhoedrick commented, sinking his teeth into the fruit.

* * *

One day, Paplo suggested that Rhoedrick go to the USA together. They were to stay with Paplo's family, who owned a large toilet-cleaning company in America. Rhoedrick was delighted. However, after less than a week, Paplo canceled the trip, saying that his American aunt was currently having financial problems. After thinking it over, Rhoedrick replied to Paplo:

"Then America must be like a philharmonic orchestra." I was supposed to take you to the Philharmonic. You took me to America. Neither of those worked out.

After a moment's thought, he added:

"It's also possible that the USA is like a toilet... we never went there together either."

* * *

Everyone has their own little shoebox. Rhoedrick had his own bath time. He worked hard for several days in a row, finally crowning it with an hour in the tub with a good book in hand. He lay there, read, and put off getting out of the increasingly dirty water until later. He heard Paplo bustling around the kitchen and shouted:

"Paplo, are you still on duty when I've been bathing for two hours?

" "Paplo, whatever that means," Paplo replied, chomping on a homemade sausage and splashing some canned fish on the wall with a flourish.

* * *

Every Sunday was an opportunity to share a meal. Usually, both Paplo and Rhoedrick avoided such situations for fear of a confrontation between them, but on Sunday there was no other option. They made a little something together. Paplo pulled out a jar of baby beets. Rhoedrick, surprised, asked,

"How are we going to eat these beets, Paplo?"

"We'll eat them like mushrooms," Paplo replied happily.

* * *

Rhoedrick had always suffered from insomnia; Paplo would sleep for a lifetime if he could. So Rhoedrick shouted to Pal while he was still basking under the nightlight at one a.m.:

"Are you going to bed already, Paplo?"

"No, I'm breaking the habit today." Paplo's reply was short and unequivocal.

* * *

Rhoedrick didn't like identifying with any collective, any herd. That's why he did everything a bit differently. He also measured time differently from most people. A week was soap, a day – a cotton bud, six months – a whole can of shaving cream. However, considering such a time scale, he would have to admit that since joining the student collective at the Warsaw University of Technology, time had begun to flow slower and slower… Paplo also sometimes used this method of reckoning with age. Once, he had to hasten the arrival of a new week by starting a new roll of toilet paper.

* * *

Stefan was someone who sat between Dzyndzler and Rhoedrick during lectures. A small hint of decadence between two spoiled goods. It couldn't help but leave its mark on him. Stefan was becoming someone whose spectral profile was beginning to resemble a completely straight line. Stefan was his younger sister's child. And his sister was her own mother's uncle. You know, the so-called Christmas was getting closer, and despite the festive atmosphere, the toilet bowl was still dirty. Paplo had already moved his ass home a few days earlier, and Rhoedrick was still in Warsaw, processing zeros and ones so that by February he'd get no less than a C in every subject. However, it was a minimal plan. "Christmas is only

two days away, and I'm sitting here watching new episodes of Twin Peaks, drinking beer, and listening to Dream Theater. It doesn't look like Bethlehem, but if you can't see the difference, why overpay..." Rhoedric thought, and knew he was wrong and his ideas weren't good. * * * Stefan had a lot in common with Thomas, Rhoedrick's previous tenant. Like him, he liked to copy everything. Copy homework again, copy some from a book into his notebook, proofread, etc. In short, his life was like that of a photocopier. A little scribe of the twenty-first century. Few are born at their right time. Stefan should have been born in the Middle Ages and become a Pallottine. * * * Qlek, on the other hand, was a minimalist. His letters were so tiny that even under a magnifying glass, they were almost invisible. Rhoedrick would eventually use him to amass quite a fortune. The idea was for Qlek to copy the entire Bible onto a single sheet of paper. Who wouldn't want to be able to fit the New and Old Testaments in the side pocket of their jeans? A Bible instead of a trouser label. Such a thing would bring salvation to all visual learners. By the way, everyone is a minimalist in their own way. We don't accomplish much in a lifetime. * * *

Yesterday was Epiphany. Rhoedrick and Papel celebrated the holiday quite normally. The two of them went to church, but they couldn't find a third companion. There was no myrrh, they couldn't afford gold yet, so they just burned a little incense.

* * *

Sunday couldn't pass like any other boring day. Rhoedrick decided to take action. So he poured himself a beer and increased the day counter by one. He changed the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and used another cotton bud. That's how the evening and morning passed.

* * *

For several days, Papel hadn't been able to sleep. Nightmares tormented him. Rhoedrick knew the reason for Papel's bad mood. His roommate, however, refused to agree and implement the changes Rhodrick suggested. He didn't buy most of Rhoedrick's theories and hypotheses.

According to Rhoedrick, the harmful electromagnetic field generated by his neighbor, who slept next door, was to blame. Her wave functions and those of Papel's overlapped, creating a troublesome superposition of waves. Rhoedrick's advice was to change Papel's spin. All he had to do was put his head where his feet were, and he would begin to electromagnetically repel his neighbor. Instead of condensing, the waves would cancel each other out, bringing Papel relief and a peaceful sleep.

* * *

Everyone has the potential to write a masterpiece in their lifetime. Some manage to generate something, others merely use toilet paper. Sometimes those who use paper should start writing. Sometimes those who write should start using a different resource base and stop self-producing.

* * *

Saturday arrived. Rhoedrick woke up at eleven, catching up on sleep from the week he had missed. He spent most of the day pacing from corner to corner. Only in the evening did he decide to neutralize the nuclear bomb standing in the corner of the room. He took it and poured its contents into the washing machine.

* * *

On Sunday, Rhoedrick decided to quit male company. He finally went out with a girl. Finally, he didn't have to talk to his crazy friends from the department, finally, he could stop talking nonsense with Papel. He shaved and left. A few hours later, he returned and told Papel,

"It was fun, although not financially. The girl first made me tiramisu with my wallet, and then one giant sultana cream with my credit card."

* * *

Papel envied Rhoedrick's meetings with his friends, especially since Rhoedrick was very picky. Jealousy ate Papel from the inside, while rust and neglect consumed him from the outside.

* * *

Life is full of addictions. Addiction to parents, to coffee, to chocolate. As you gain experience and explore the world, new pleasures emerge, impossible to resist.

One of Rhoedrick's problems was that he forgot what he actually liked and what gave him pleasure. So he decided to write it down so that in moments of manic-depression he could reach for a first-aid kit. Here's the list:

- listening to music: Led Zeppelin, The Waterboys, Dream Theater, The Tool, The Cure

- lying in the bathtub for at least two hours watching the flames in the gas heater

- trying to see himself in front of a mirror with his eyes closed. Despite his best efforts, the photons always got the better of him.

- munching on dried fruit and nuts, preferably late at night,

- peeling oranges and cutting their peels into thousands of tiny pieces,

- reading: Gaiman, Pielewin, Topor, Vonnegut,

- listening to the sound of bubbles popping out of a glass of Coca-Cola

– stirring the cocoa powder with a spoon so fast that you can see the bottom of the cup through the swirling vortex,

- trying to sing with your mouth closed

, - diving into the bathtub and trying hard to say something underwater so fast that the bubbles don't have time to burst from your mouth.

* * *

Sometimes Rhoedrick thought he really enjoyed reading books and listening to good music non-stop. Sometimes he felt like it was just an excuse to look at the pretty cashiers at Traffic. You have to be a little crazy about something to occupy your mind. You also have to be crazy to fix your eyes on something.

* * *

Rhoedrick had never met a more creative person than Chatterbox. No one was better at appropriating other people's work. When Rhoedrick gave him excerpts from Three Fuckers to read, Paplo replied,

"It's all thanks to me."

* * *

For some time now, there had been a new rule in Rhoedrick and Paplo's apartment, breaking which was a major indiscretion. When leaving the bathroom, you had to shout loudly,

"Mom, now!"

* * *

Rhoedrick liked to watch movies and eat grapefruits at night. Paplo liked that too, especially when the grapefruits belonged to Rhoedrick. After Rhoedrick had eaten a single grapefruit for three nights in a row, Paplo finally declared,

"I'm not going to sleep tonight; I have to explain where those grapefruits disappear to at night."

* * *

You can tell a good student by having fun during exams.

* * *

Some say today's world is less complicated than it used to be. Rhoedrick claimed quite the opposite. Think about the last time you looked at the stars, and try to guess if the two blonde masseuses on the flyer had the same thing in mind as Chatterbox's brother wanted them to.

* * *

Rhoedrick didn't like company at meals. Chatterbox was quite the opposite. So sometimes Rhoedrick compromised and they ate together. As they sat there, Chatterbox said,

"Has it gotten dark?"

"Yeah, a few hours ago?

" "No, but did it just get dark here in the kitchen?

" "Yeah, the light bulb's a little dimmer."

"Oh, that's good, because I thought I was losing consciousness."

* * *

Rhoedrick regularly visited his friends in the dorm. You won't find a film library like that anywhere else like on the dorm's internal network. As he sat there, downloading rarities to his hard drive and chatting with a friend about one of the girls' breasts, they came up with an almost perfect comparison. A beautiful woman is like a monitor, or more precisely, like two monitors. And who would say they prefer LCDs to good old CRT tube monitors?

* * *

The strange sounds made first by Chatterbox, then by Rhoedrick were nothing out of the ordinary. As senseless and without reason, like so many things in today's world. They didn't want to miss out on the good acid, so as soon as Rhoedrick felt the sound waves coming from Chatterbox's room, he asked,

"Are you laughing?

" "No, it's the washing machine," Chatterbox replied, bored.

* * *

One time, Rhoedrick agreed to let Paplo's sister and her friend stay overnight, giving them Paplo's room and relying on Paplo for company in Rhoedrick's. The girls went to bed. Paplo tried to sleep, and Rhoedrick again searched for the meaning of life, this time in a bag of peanuts. He was almost to find it when Paplo finally spoke up:

"What a primitive you are. All you do is eat those peanuts.

" "That's the only thing left to do in this difficult political and economic situation the Third Polish Republic finds itself in. Eat imported peanuts."

"Do you have many left?

" "What, do you want?"

"I brushed my teeth. Do you have many left?

" Generations of philosophers have tried to answer this question, and you want me to answer it in one evening. Don't you know the saying "a hard nut to crack"?

Paplo tried to fall asleep despite the sounds of cracking peanuts. When the sound was suddenly replaced by another, even louder one, Paplo spoke again:

"What are those?

" "Peanuts, only different.

" "You'd eat shit if it crunched."

* * *

The physics exam was fast approaching. Comrade Pieciuk approached Rhoedrick during the break and asked:

"When did Einstein lose his shoes?"

A confused Rhoedrick didn't know what answer his friend expected when he added:

"Because one of the test questions concerns the Bose-Einstein distribution..."

* * *

Like every Sunday, Rhoedrick and Papel went to church. Besides moral and religious considerations, they were encouraged by two purely practical considerations. With a bit of luck, they could count on a girl shaking their hand at the church shouting, "Pass each other the sign of peace." At the same time, they believed that by persistently singing "Grant us peace" every week, their M-2 would eventually transform into a fancy M-3. They also wondered how they could add a refrain about a sports BMW to the verse they were singing.

* * *

Woj. He was Rhoedrick and Dzyndzler's best friend at school. When Wo. returned from English, he reported to Rhoedrick:

"I have two female high school graduates and three male high school graduates in my class. The male high school graduate stinks. I'd rather not smell the female high school graduate...

" * * *

Poland was soon to join the European Union, with or without Rhoedrick and Papel. So they decided to try their luck at Western humor. When their friends from abroad (Unreal, a Swiss man, and Reka, a Hungarian woman) visited, he asked the girls,

"Are you hungry?

" "Yes, but Unreal is Swiss."

* * *

For Paplo, the new semester began under the banner of intense physical exercise. He set up a small gym in his room, and for two hours every day, he heard gasps and groans coming from it. Paplo finally wanted a girlfriend. Paplo finally wanted to look good. Rhoedrick's observation that Paplo's buttocks were pale and resembled two dangling boxing gloves forced Paplo to intensify his exercise schedule even more. During this time, Rhoedrick ate at KFC, drank cola, and met more and more hot girls. Also at this time, the constitution of the Third Polish Republic mentioned social justice at the very beginning...

* * *

When Rhoedrick arrived home, he found Paplo engrossed in thinking up the content of a text message to some Sweet Idiot. A moment later, Paplo brushed his teeth, sprayed his perfume, and ran out of the apartment, shouting,

"When I get to the point, I'll give you a signal. If not, start searching. "

To which Rhoedrick replied,

"Dude, you're almost 21. You better give me a signal when you finally manage to reach the G-spot.

" * * *

Another semester of college began. According to Rhoedrick's estimation, it was even more boring than the previous three. Everything bored him: the lectures, the people, often life. The world around him was becoming increasingly stupid. Rhoedrick tried to remain normal, despite his surroundings. He was failing miserably, understanding less and less of the reality around him. For what is the barrier layer in the p-n junction if not the same layer Rhoedrick's parents had just beyond the row of pores on the property behind their house?

* * *

My brothers, beware of technical universities if you don't mind girls. Because here you won't even have the opportunity to mind them.

The modern world can be compared to the movement of charge carriers in a semiconductor. As for life at a polytechnic, it looks like this:

"One hole for about a hundred ionized donors..."

* * *

They say love is blind and insane. Rhoedrick knew perfectly well how to tell he was in love. It would happen when he realized someone made a cake better than his mother's.

* * *

Paplo had many stupid habits. For example, he brushed his teeth three times longer than the most sadistic dentist would require. So Rhoedrick shouted to Paplo, who was scrubbing his fangs,

"Just be careful, or I'll check right away!" That's where I last saw last week's bigos between numbers two and three.

" "Yes. The whole jar," Paplo cleared his throat.

"And the pork chop was somewhere around the top six!"

* * *

It all depends on your perspective. Rhoedrick liked to juggle and play with words, tossing them to the wind. For example, instead of telling someone that on his way to college he tried to catch a pigeon but it ran away, he might casually say,

"I tried to catch the bird, but I couldn't..."

* * *

Rhoedrick had stupid ideas. Dzyndzler sometimes had even stupider ones. One of them was a method for producing sunscreen for women over forty. You had to put a low- or high-pass filter in a box of any moisturizer you chose.

* * *

Paplo was sinking into a nervous breakdown again. Another girl dumped him, and again before she even became Paplo's girlfriend. All because of a question she asked Paplo:

"Do you go to bed with every girl?

" "No, not every girl. I haven't gone to bed with any of them yet."

* * *

One day Paplo came home from college shaken. As soon as he entered the house, he said,

"You don't wear someone else's underwear, you don't wear someone else's socks. You also don't print paper from someone else's account. Is that so hard to understand?

Woj

​​and his teddy bear had been inseparable for twenty-one years. Woj was growing up and becoming a man, the teddy bear was shedding and beginning to wear out. He'd already lost his left ear, his right eye had fallen out, and one of his legs was torn off.

"Woj, what have you been doing to that teddy bear that's making its head fall off?" Dredzioch asked one day.

"I grew up," Woj replied. And he hugged the teddy bear even tighter.

* * *

Plato spent his entire life devising a way for the ideal state to function. Then he wrote several hundred pages about it. Rhoedrick solved the same problems in the outhouse when he had nothing better to do.

To create a perfect state, it was enough to complete the following steps:

1. Remove sports fans from the country.

2. Do the same as above with all the smart-ass people

. 3. The above provisions should also apply to morons.

When Woj noticed this list, he reacted violently:

"These are populist propaganda slogans. You haven't come up with anything new! "

Rhoedrick calmly replied:

"Wait for point four. It's: Remove populists as well."

* * *

One weekend in March, Woj and Rhoedrick went to Berlin for a few days. The trip was extremely successful. Woj bought a metal box for chewing gum, and Rhoedrick a thermos for his coffee.

Upon his return, Rhoedrick realized that the Polish nation wasn't as bad as he had suspected. If anyone disagreed, they should go to a German DVD rental store and check out the porn section.

* * *

From Papla's series of Sunday sayings:

"All's well that ends well."

* * *

Rhoedrick's Swiss friend was a philosopher. When he sat and tried not to think about anything, he claimed he was philosophizing.

One of Rhoedrick's Polish friends was also a philosopher. He claimed he was philosophizing when he drank and threw up.

* * *

There were times when Rhoedrick would sneeze a dozen times in a row. At first, he suspected it was the pollen. The truth, however, was different. The source of the allergy was the lush fur on Pappel's chest, his fur, and his curly mohair.

* * *

"Would you like an apple?

" "What? Is Ewa?

" "No, Adam.

" "Well, if so, give me."

* * * "

Shall we go to Kuala Lumpur for 1999 PLN?"

"I would, but I haven't done the laundry and my underwear is dirty.

" * * *

"That doesn't add up at all!

" "Stefan, maybe you're just eating poorly?"

* * *

At seven in the morning, Rhoedrick was awakened by loud smacking. It was Paplo who was drinking yogurt for breakfast. Rhoedrick shouted to Paplo,

"You wake me up like a prince woke up Snow White."

Then he turned on his samurai roc and, pretending to be a samurai, ran into Pal's room, shouting,

"So what? Don't you feel like a samurai?

" Paplo, smeared with yogurt, replied,

"No, I feel like the seven dwarves."

* * *

One day, Paplo and Rhoedrick overheard a conversation between two tracksuit men on the tram.

"My stomach hurts. Do you have any medicine?"

"I have charcoal, but it's not activated yet. I have to activate it."

* * *

"We'll eat your Kaśka with my Maciek."

* * *

Rhoedirck decided to become a rebel, pasting stickers everywhere he could. It took him a week to develop a logo. The secret brigade was to be called the Vlepper Brigade, or VleppMe2. The next few days were spent coming up with the first explosive lines. Rhoedirck couldn't decide which one should inaugurate the entire operation.

"From 5 to 17 cm in 3.5 seconds!

" "Passengers, remember to face forward!

" "Woman, your childbirth is a piece of cake compared to my constipation!

" "Long live Chernobyl! Two heads are better than one!

" "Don't worry! If you feel good today, tomorrow will surely be worse!"

Choosing the best line was so difficult that Rhoedrick canceled the entire operation.

* * *

The anti-globalization activists extended the May long weekend by three days. Rhoedirck went home, Paplo stayed. He said he would study. In reality, he was supposed to drink beer, watch movies, and run wild.

Yes, yes. While before Rhoedrick's departure, Paplo had been nicknamed "animal," after Rhoedrick returned, he was already calling him "wild animal." He had grown overgrown and hunched over during those few days of solitude, had begun to fear the intercom, and to shield himself whenever anyone waved near him. The conclusion from Paplo's evolutionary degradation was simple: Polytechnic University—they should ban it!

* * *

We sow mischief all our lives, and in the end, we blow it! Rhoedrick's life motto had always been to be the best. Over time, he adjusted this strategy to being the better half, which ultimately boiled down to being the better of two, that is, the best. And his name wasn't forty-four.

* * *

"Today Poland joined Europe!" everyone repeated on May 1, 2004.

"Truly I tell you, Poland joined Europe 1,000 years ago," Rhoedirck preached through the villages and cities, and Paplo agreed. And the summer was beautiful that year.

* * *

A person can have any dreams they want. And sometimes they dream of nothing more than going to the bathroom as quickly as possible. And when they come out, they feel like something's missing...

* * *

Before a session, students fall into hypnosis. They're woken up by the dean or the army, sometimes a girl with a baby on the way.

* * *

When they tell me to "spit it out," I go poop.

* * *

I wouldn't want to lose any of my senses: sight because I wouldn't be able to look at a woman's buttocks, hearing because I wouldn't be able to hear the swish of freshly poured Coke in a glass, taste because I wouldn't be able to feel the thick coffee on my tongue, touch because I couldn't touch my own cheeks right after shaving.

* * *

If someone claims that two people are not much different, let them check which one of them irons and folds their underwear after washing.

* * *

Children's Day took both Fuckers completely by surprise.

Rhoedrick wanted to celebrate. Paplo wanted to study. Rhoedrick wanted to go to the zoo and buy cotton candy, Paplo wanted to drink.

When Paplo and Rhoedrick finished their glasses of bison vodka mixed with apple juice, they uttered another memorable saying. First, Rhoedick said,

"What's a bison doing in my glass?"

After a few moments, Paplo spoke up,

"Getting pregnant—so close, yet so far away...

"

The exam period was approaching, as it does every semester. Paplo had had diarrhea for two weeks now. Rhoedrick, an adrenaline junkie, happily dosed himself with stress. Paplo was taking something called Memory Formula, supposedly composed of guarna, ginkgo, and other natural goodies. Rhoedrick thought this boon in the form of a lozenge looked like rabbit droppings, and that instead of guarana, it contained nothing but guano.

Paplo was losing weight and wasting away before his eyes. Rhoedrick's face had darkened from the coffee. They tried every possible means to squeeze as much energy out of their neurons as possible. Paplo, especially, was successful. When Rhoedrick went home for the weekend, Paplo thought so hard that he burned out the cordless kettle. When Rhoedrick returned and tried to dot dozens of A4 sheets of paper with pitch-black fonts, it turned out that the kettle virus had spread to the printer as well. Next, Rhoedrick's computer hard drive crashed. That was the day Rhoedrick started drinking milk. That was the day Paplo started drinking Winnie the Pooh.

* * *

Rhoedrick loved his parents. And he wanted to fulfill their dreams. He wanted to be an astronaut so he could take his dad to the moon. They'd both stand up there and piss on the defenseless Earth below. Then they'd start planting flowers on the moon.

* * *

It took Rhoedrick over two years to decipher the acronym "SMS." Enlightenment came one morning over a can of tuna and a glass of coffee. You Can Delete Quickly. That's what the whole game was about. You send a text to a girl, she replies that you suck, and what about you? You hit "delete" and forget about the whole thing.

* * *

Beautiful girls are like the first strawberries of the season—they smell better than they taste, and they go bad very quickly. Rhoedrick could have done without strawberries, but he valued female beauty so much...

* * *

The session, the coffee, and the lack of sleep drove Rhoedrick to the brink of mental instability. He confused concepts and facts, dreams and reality. He even spent a few days trying to spot the similarities between his mother and lipstick.

* * *

The exams hadn't even begun, and already the Fuckers' condition had deteriorated significantly again. Rhoedrick and Paplo passed a pregnant woman. Paplo asked,

"She's probably pregnant?"

"No, it's just flatulence," Rhoedrick replied, still staring at the exposed buttocks of the girl walking a meter in front of him.

* * *

Poland had transformed unimaginably since 1989. The changes had occurred quickly, hopefully irreversibly, and in almost every area of ​​life. The effects were clear, easy to notice every year. After all, wouldn't even the most observant observer have noticed that just 15 years ago, mannequins in exhibitions looked completely different? How much more beautiful the world is when female mannequins have erect nipples and male mannequins have genitals. How much brighter the future seems.

* * *

After two years of studies, Rhoedrick began to feel bored. He decided to start his studies at a second university, a completely different one. It was to be a university with more female students than males, a university where people discussed more pleasant things than semiconductors.

So Rhoedrick began his investigation. He tested the waters at the Faculty of Economics at the University of Warsaw and the Warsaw School of Economics. After three days of recruitment at the former and four at the latter, the conclusions were clear. The question was also unequivocal:

"What's the difference between the average economics candidate and the average applicant to the Warsaw School of Economics?"

The answer was obvious:

"The SGH candidate has her dad's underwear, while her UW competitor wears a beautifully revealing thong."

No less heartwarming were the announcements on the noticeboard at the Faculty of Economics:

"I'll give away a beautiful kitten to good hands.

" "I'll reward the honest finder of the coat generously. "

Meanwhile, at Rhoedrick's alma mater, the list of those expelled from the program was being displayed on the noticeboard.

* * *

This year's summer vacation was canceled. Some bastard pressed "del" on his laptop, then "ok," and that was all I saw of them. Lying with his hair upside down was supposed to be the statutory three months. And summer was beautiful that year...

Rhoedrick spent the first of them interning at a bicycle manufacturing company. For four whole weeks, he infiltrated department after department, only to finally conclude that the only position he was suited to within the company was that of CEO. Everyone else seemed to have no influence, not only on what happened to the company, but even on their own lives. They were as dull as lazy dumplings and as flat as beaver tails. And summer was beautiful that year...

The second month of vacation melted like vanilla ice cream in a preschooler's hand. A few days dripped at Grandma's, a few more in front of the TV, two weeks wasted in the gym and pool. Finally, Rhoedrick went to the seaside, which was the biggest mistake of the year. After five days, he returned with a torn tibial ligament. His right leg was put in a cast. For four weeks. Four weeks that were supposed to be the essence of vacation, a Malaga of relaxation. And the summer was beautiful that year...

And so, instead of "coco jumbo and go," Rhoedrick ended up limping in front of the TV. And the summer was beautiful that year...

* * *

As the crust on Rhoedrick's leg hardened, his mind also underwent a profound metamorphosis. Concentrated to the limit, he began to analyze the situation, searching for someone to blame. He reached conclusions that were simple and remarkably true. He concluded that being an altar boy for so many years was to blame. Hours of kneeling and praying rosaries had taken their toll, and now Rhoedrick's knee was refusing to cooperate. The sandals, in which his foot had become accustomed to excessive independence, were also to blame. The Russians peddling pliers in the market, the Armenians selling cheap methanol, the politicians saying the leg wasn't healthy at all and that one must continue despite obstacles.

* * *

The strangest laws govern the paths of history. The smallest details are the source of fundamental changes. Rhoedrick was sitting home alone, and his mother asked him to let a neighbor in while she went to see her aunt.

* * *

Men possess common sense only for a moment, right after ejaculation. In the next second, their brains turn into a useless sponge.

* * *

Rhoedrick spent his holidays partly by the sea, partly in a cast with a torn tibial tendon. While his sister Kasia was losing some of her brain's neural connections due to alcohol abuse, Weronika succumbed to complete fixation and holed herself up in a sleeping bag for hours.

* * *

This paragraph marks the end of the story of Rhoedirck the Fucker and his roommates. It ends because Rhoedirck abandoned real life in favor of virtual experiences and feelings. And he knew that ultimately, nothing is real, and Emilia lives in a subway car.

Has anyone ever considered how much toilet paper a person uses in a lifetime? Has anyone considered the difference between an extremist and an excreamist? It's a simple calculation: a roll per week (the standard assumes 176 sheets, each 14 cm long) equals 1,183 meters per year. Over a 65-year lifespan, the average excreamist uses almost 77 km of toilet paper. It would take 534 people to circumscribe the Earth with the toilet paper they use in their lifetime...

Paplo remained silent most of the time. He barely spoke anymore. For several weeks, he had lived only on love. It softened his brain and sealed his mouth. Paplo lived on love, and Rhoedrick was like resounding brass or a clanging cymbal.

The last tear fell on the last sheet of paper Rhoedrick was writing on, and another chapter of his life was closed. A life that, in a sense, never existed, and which, thanks to this, no one would ever be able to repeat...