Carp

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He opened the apartment door and went inside. He was tired, first eight hours at work, then holiday greetings and a glass of champagne with his boss. Everything dragged on for another two hours. He was just getting on the bus, happy to finally have a few days of rest, when he remembered that his wife had asked him to buy fillets on the way home. It was always just fillets, he thought. What if he could eat fresh fish for a change? This year there would be live carp, he decided. So he waited another hour in line, but what about one hour? They would have carp. And the kids would be happy too.

"Do you have fillets?" his wife asked as he locked the apartment door.

"No." He grinned.

"You didn't buy fillets and you're still laughing? Have you been drinking on the job!?" She stated more than asked.

"Just a glass of champagne, and I'm not drunk.

" "Well, why are you smiling so stupidly?" She became irritated.

"Because I have carp.

" "What do you have?"

"Carp. A live, real carp.

" "You've got to be crazy!? And who's going to kill him?

" "Yeah, me. I'm a man, right?

" "Did you buy a live fish, Dad?" Tadzik, their six-year-old son, ran out of his room. "Really? Can I see?" He ran up to his father and tried to look into the shopping bag.

"You'd better run some water in the bathtub, and we'll let him in," the father ordered.

"Did you hear that, Jadzia?" The mother turned to her daughter, who was sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.

"Nooo! I heard that!" Jadzia replied, never taking her eyes off the screen.

His wife shook her head and went into the kitchen. "I wonder how he'll do that," she thought. "He even catches spiders and releases them on the balcony. And carp, and a live one at that?" He must have lost his mind.

"Are you already running?" the "head of the family" asked his son.

"Yes, he's on his way." I ran the hot water first. "Tadzio wanted the poor creature to warm up a bit in warm water, after all, it was freezing outside.

"Tadzio, he doesn't need warm water. The pond he was fished out of was freezing. It didn't bother him at all.

" "But wouldn't it be better for him to swim in warm water?" Tadzio insisted.

"No, run some cold water," his father said, and left the bathroom. "Call me when the tub's half full, okay? Then we'll let him in." As he spoke, only his head was visible from behind the doorframe.

"Okay, Daddy.

" The "head of the family" went to the kitchen. He was absolutely famished. When he left for work that morning, he hadn't brought a second breakfast. He'd thought they'd finish early, but here were these wishes and a queue.

"What was on your mind about that carp?" his wife asked.

"Well, what was on my mind? I just wanted something different." We have been eating only fillets for fifteen years.

"When are you going to carry out the sentence?

" "Tomorrow after lunch.

" "Dad! The bathtub is already half full.

" "I'm coming! Could you please make me a small sandwich? I'm terribly hungry.

" "Lunch will be ready soon," his wife replied. "Wait another fifteen minutes."

Tadzio liked to sleep late. In his dreams, he was always a hero, like those in the movies. That day, however, he woke up earlier. He was the first to wake up and immediately rushed to the bathroom to greet the bathtub's occupant. He even wanted to eat breakfast in the bathroom, by the bathtub, but his mother banished him to the kitchen. Tadzio decided to ask his father to buy him an aquarium.

"Dad?" Tadzio said, munching on oatmeal. "Will I be able to watch you kill him?

" "We'll see, Tadzio. Now eat," his father replied.

The operation, codenamed "Fish," began at one in the afternoon. The "head of the family" entered the bathroom with a hammer and a firm resolve. He drained the bathtub and took out the carp. He placed it on the floor and couldn't even swing at the condemned man. He tried more than once, but all to no avail. He finally began to think that the carp might have some hypnotist skills, because it was staring at him with those bulging eyes.

"What are you staring at?" he yelled. "Tadzio, I think it's best if you leave.

" "But I'd like to stay?" the son insisted.

"No! I told you to leave!" He said all this a little louder than he should have.

Tadzio left the bathroom and went to complain to his mother.

"What's Dad doing there now?" she asked her son.

She knew her husband. When he did something he might be ashamed of later, he didn't want to have witnesses. It was the same in this case.

"He's talking to the carp," the son replied.

"What's he doing?" She just shook her head.

Meanwhile, the husband wrapped the "hypnotist" in a towel and tried to hit him with a hammer. But the fish was thrashing. Oh no, the man thought, this is beyond me. He left the bathroom to smoke.

"Are you all sweaty?" his wife asked.

"The beast is thrashing. I can't hit it.

" "Are we going to eat that carp today, or maybe it would be better to go and buy some fillets?

" "We're eating carp," he announced.

He finished smoking, locked himself in the bathroom, and didn't come out for an hour. Finally, he emerged, went into the kitchen, and grabbed a newspaper from the table.

"You've become friends, and you want to read to him for a while?" his wife was sarcastic.

He didn't respond. He wrapped the beast in newspaper, opened the window, and just like that, threw both the beast and the newspaper out the window.

"What have you done?" his wife screamed.

"We live on the tenth floor. If he falls from this height, he'll kill himself."

He put on his jacket, left the apartment, and walked to the elevator. However, as usual, it was broken, so he had to run down the stairs. On the first floor, he passed a neighbor across the street. The neighbor, smiling, said to the runner.

"What's that, neighbor? Where are you running?

" "For fish.

" "A bit late. You might have trouble buying one. My wife sent me one too, and I was lucky..." But he didn't finish, because the other man waved his hand and was already running ahead.

He ran to where he expected to find the carp, but found only a newspaper. Maybe he'd fallen somewhere else, he thought. He searched within a ten-meter radius, then further. Nothing. Did it crawl away? No, not possible. Or maybe it flew away? Not possible either. And besides, who knows what a carp can do? Maybe it doesn't even realize it can't fly? Or maybe it was because of Christmas Eve? After all, on a day like today, anything can happen. He gave up on further searching.

I'll go home and explain it to her somehow, he meant his wife, of course. Maybe she won't laugh at me. Then I'll go get the fillets. It'll work out somehow.

While he was wondering if the carp had crawled away or flown away, a neighbor he passed on the stairs was thanking God for a miracle. His wife had sent him for a live fish, and he might have brought one home, but kill it? He even prayed that they were all sold out. If only the fillets had been used. And that's when the miracle happened. A fish fell at his feet. A fresh carp. It looked like he'd killed himself in the fall. He rolled his eyes to heaven and began praising its inscrutable decrees. He'd tell his wife, however, that the carp was alive and that he'd deal with it soon. But what if he was a man? A woman should know that her husband is a real man, not some puny guy with a shell, instead of...