NEIGHBORHOOD HELP

Marzena and Mirek Kubiak had been married for a year and formed a well-matched, harmonious relationship. They didn't have children yet, but since Marzena graduated from college six months ago, they had worked diligently on it, to the point where sometimes the neighbors would knock on the wall at night to make love quietly, as some wanted to sleep.

Marzena was quite tall, slim, and shapely with red hair. She cut it short, in a masculine style, and sometimes, from a distance, she was mistaken for a boy. However, when she turned to face them, any possible doubts about her gender vanished. This was due to her exceptionally large breasts, which she liked to further emphasize with tight blouses or sweaters and flaunt with revealing cleavage.

Her husband was not much taller than her, a brunette with an average build. He had a small mustache, an aquiline nose, and slightly protruding ears. He was a sales representative for an office supplies company, so he drove several hundred kilometers every day while his wife, who hadn't yet found a job, took care of the house.

Shortly after moving into the apartment building where they now lived, they became friends with their neighbors on the same floor. The Bilskis were also a young married couple and had one child, one-year-old Kamil. Piotr was Mirek's height and had almost the same build as his neighbor, and their eyes were the same color – brown. They differed in that Bilski lacked a mustache and protruding ears, but instead had a small, shapely nose. They often joked that they might be brothers – from different mothers, but from the same father, because only the mother is certain, and the father is always assumed. Grażyna Bilska always had to add that her husband was the more handsome of the two "step-brothers." Marzena would then usually counter that they were definitely not sisters, because it was impossible for sisters to differ so much in breast size. She proudly displayed her large breasts and looked dismissively at her friend's tiny breasts, which she sarcastically referred to—when she and her husband were alone—with the less-than-glorious term "poor-boobs." Comments about her breast size irritated Grażyna, who had a serious complex about it. She was generally envious of her neighbor's beauty and figure, as she herself was a rather unattractive, short, and very slim blonde. She compensated for her almost flat bust to some extent with a shapely, round butt, but she still considered Marzena more attractive than her, and therefore reacted jealously when her husband stared at the more beautiful neighbor for too long.

Their apartment doors were only a hallway wide, so the neighbors were at each other's houses almost every day, and once a week, usually on Saturday, they'd throw a small party filled with alcohol. The men, after drinking, would occasionally suggest throwing a sex party and swapping partners, but the women didn't elaborate, clearly thinking it was a joke. They probably would have continued their drinking sprees, and perhaps one day the Kubiaks' dream of swapping partners would have happened, had the sink not broken one day.

Actually, it wasn't the sink that broke, but the pipe under the sink had started leaking. Mirek was supposed to fix it on Monday evening, but he'd come home late from work every day and postpone the repair from one day to the next, increasingly irritating his wife, who was constantly having to mop up the wet spot under the sink. Finally, on Thursday, Marzena became so frustrated with her lazy husband that she weaned him.

The next morning, Marzena left for her mother's and told her that if he returned that evening and the pipe was still leaking, she'd rip his balls off, because there was no other way to deal with such a lazy donkey. Mirek took the warning to heart, but his boss had told him the day before that he'd have to visit a dozen or so clients on Friday and that he should mentally prepare for a late return home. Fearing for his family jewels, he left Piotr the house keys and asked him to fix the pipe as soon as he got home from work.

"Please do it, or Marzenka will rip my balls off!" he begged.

Piotr, like a good friend, arrived at the Kubiaks' apartment at 3 p.m., as promised. Male solidarity is important, and when an angry woman threatens to rip off your testicles, you can't ignore it. The sink was built into the kitchen cabinet, so he opened the door under the sink and put out the trash can. With keys and gaskets in hand, he crawled under the sink on all fours, so far that only his legs and buttocks were visible. Everything would have ended well if Marzena hadn't returned home earlier than she'd promised.

Mrs. Kubiak told her mother about the leaking pipe, and when she commented that she'd married such a lazy man, the women argued, and Marzena took the first train home. She took off her shoes and went into the kitchen. Seeing his buttocks sticking out in his blue jeans and his legs spread wide, she leaned over them without a second thought and firmly grabbed the man's testicles from behind.

"Well! You finally got down to business! You're guaranteed a night out!"

Piotr, hearing these words and feeling a firm grip on his testicles, was so surprised that he instinctively raised his head. He hit the bottom of the sink so hard that he immediately sprawled on the floor, losing consciousness.

"Oh my God, Miruś! What happened to you?" – Marzena shouted.

The unconscious Piotr, of course, didn't respond, so Marzena leaned over him. Only when she put her head under the sink did she notice it wasn't her Miruś lying on the floor. She tried to revive him—first by striking him harder and harder on the cheek with her open hand, then by pouring cold water over him—but to no avail. By then, she was truly terrified and called 911.

The ambulance arrived at the building within minutes. Two tall, burly men rang the doorbell. She let them in immediately.

"What happened here?" the doctor asked, leaning over Piotr and checking for a pulse. "Is that your husband?

" "No, the neighbor. My husband was supposed to fix the leaking pipe, but he must have sent the neighbor, because when I entered the house, he was already there.

" "The pulse is strong," the doctor said. "He'll live." What happened next?

"I walked into the kitchen, and he was sitting under the sink." Only his legs and butt were sticking out, so I thought it was my husband.

"So you don't know your husband's butt? I can easily tell my wife's butt from any other little butt.

" "Yes, I do, but my husband and the neighbor look so much alike. They have the same build. My husband recently bought these same pants, and I was sure it was him. Only afterward did I remember that my husband and the neighbor had recently bought the same blue jeans.

" "Do all my body parts look alike?" the doctor asked with a mocking smile.

"I don't know, I didn't see all the neighbor's body parts!" Marzena was nervous. "What are you insinuating?

" "Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just thought that you and your neighbor—you know, the one on the floor, and the neighbor got injured in the process." Both men chuckled cheerfully. "

Then you better not think about it, because you're not very good at it!" Marzena's face turned red. "There wasn't any one on the floor!"

"I'm sorry." You don't even realize the kinds of accidents we sometimes attend. So what happened next? You walk into the kitchen, your butt sticks out, and...?

"And I thought it was my husband fixing the pipe. I went up to him, said, 'Well! You finally got around to it!' And I grabbed him from behind by... by...

"By the butt? "

"No, by..."

"By the balls?

" "Yes.

" "That's an interesting way to greet your husband." The men laughed again, laughing merrily. "Do you greet others like that?

" "No, only my husband. I mean, I don't greet anyone like that, just today." Her tongue was tangled with nerves.

"Oh, I understand." The doctor tried to remain serious, but had difficulty suppressing a laugh. "You grabbed him by the balls because you thought they were your husband's balls. And what happened next?

" "Piotr, I mean the neighbor, raised his head, hit the sink, and lost consciousness." I tried to revive him, but I couldn't, so I called an ambulance.

"The guy must have been surprised when you grabbed him by the balls so suddenly," the nurse said, amused. "He probably thought you wanted to whack him on the floor. He must have gotten excited, the poor guy...

" "Stop that stupid talk!" Marzena snapped.

"He was in such a hurry to see you on a rampamputan that he hit the sink!" the doctor roared with laughter.

"Be careful what you say, doctor," the woman said, furious. "And what's a rampamputan? I don't know that word.

" "That's a euphemism. And don't pretend to be stupid. He was in a hurry to get laid, that's as clear as day. Do you often do that on the kitchen floor?

" "Get out of here!" Marzena screamed. "Get out! Now!

" "Okay, okay, calm down," the doctor tried to calm her down. "We understand everything; nothing human is alien to us."

"Marek," he said to the nurse, "Go get the driver and bring a stretcher. We'll take him to the hospital for observation. He probably has a concussion and will regain consciousness soon."

A moment later, Piotr was on the stretcher. The nurse and the driver lifted the unconscious man and, grinning from ear to ear, carried him to the stairwell. The doctor followed them out. He turned at the threshold and winked at the woman.

"We understand everything. I don't blame him at all, you're a pretty woman. "

Marzena angrily slammed the door behind them. The nurse, carrying the patient away with the driver, commented,

"That's a good story. She tried to wrestle with him, and he grabbed him by the balls out of nowhere, and he farted in the sink and collapsed!"

All three of them roared with laughter. The nurse sang cheerfully:

"Bara, bara, bara, riki tiki tak, if you feel like it, give me a sign.

" "And she gave him a sign," the driver said. "He was so amazed he almost fainted!"

They were so amused by it all that they burst into laughter. The nurse behind him let go of one of the stretcher handles for a moment and, in a fit of glee, slapped his thigh with his hand. That was enough. The stretcher tilted dangerously, and Piotr fell onto the stairs. He rolled all the way to the landing.

"Oh, good," the doctor said, once they had controlled their laughter. "I hope he didn't break anything.

" *****

After Piotr was taken to the hospital, it turned out he'd broken something after all – his left arm and left leg. The poor guy quickly regained consciousness and couldn't believe the doctor's story that as they were carrying him up the stairs to the ambulance, he'd suddenly fallen onto his side and off the stretcher. He was also afraid of how his incredibly jealous wife would react. "Oh my God," he thought, "she'll think I tried to cheat on her with Marzena and make a scene. Or threaten to divorce me. And Mirek? If he finds out why Marzena grabbed me, he might go crazy and be ready to come to the hospital and beat me up. Damn it! This unfortunate neighborly help could end our friendship, and maybe even my marriage!"

He was placed in the same room as the cheerful old man who had been the victim of a motorcycle accident. He also had a broken leg, so they lay side by side, each with his leg in a cast, elevated in traction.

"I was riding my motorcycle back from my brother's name day at night," the old man recounted, "when a cat flew under the wheel. The motorcycle tipped over, I somersaulted, I tried to get up, and my leg hurt like hell. It turned out it was broken. And what happened to you?

" "A neighbor asked me to fix something at his house while he was gone...

" "And you came and took care of the neighbor, and then the neighbor came back and caught you, right?

" "No, it wasn't like that...

" "Okay, okay, I know life, don't lie to me. I know my own stuff. When we were young, we used to go to neighbors' houses to please lonely women, heh heh," the old man laughed hoarsely and licked his lips, remembering the good old days.

*****

The next morning, Mirek went to get some bread and the local newspaper. He returned home, glanced at the front page, and quickly read an article with the striking headline: "Your father won't give you, your mother won't give you, what your neighbor can give you!" He felt his heart begin to pound. "I love her so much," his thoughts raced through his head like crazy, "and in my absence, she's been making out with the neighbor, my friend, whom I trusted so much, like some worst whore!" Red in the face, he rushed into the room where his wife was sleeping, threw the covers on the floor, and shouted,

"Look what they wrote in the newspaper! And you told me something completely different! So what was it really like?

" "Cover me, I'm cold!" Marzena had been sleeping naked, and now she lay completely exposed.

"You'll be hot in a minute. Read it!"

He threw the newspaper on the bed. The woman read it aloud.

"Your father won't give you, your mother won't give you, what your neighbor can give you!

Yesterday afternoon, dramatic scenes unfolded in the K. apartment in the Słowackiego housing estate in W. Mr. Piotr B., Marzena K.'s neighbor and lover, came to her apartment to have sex with her, as usual, while her husband, Mr. Mirosław K., was away. After a long and loud orgy, which was witnessed by outraged neighbors and their underage children, an argument broke out between the longtime lovers. As a result, Piotr B. suffered severe injuries to his testicles and penis, and was later thrown into the hallway, where he fell down the stairs, breaking his leg and arm. One of the neighbors, forced to listen to the entire distasteful brawl through the wall, went out into the stairwell and, upon seeing his severely injured neighbor, called an ambulance. Piotr B. was taken to the hospital in serious condition. His life is now out of danger – the excellent doctors even managed to save his torn and swollen testicles. We sympathize with Mr. Mirek K. for having such a wife, and Mrs. Grażyna B. for having such a husband. We share the pain of all betrayed women and men. When will all this adultery finally end and people start living like Christians? "

"This is all nonsense!" Marzena shouted, forgetting that she was naked and cold. "You know how much I love you. I would never cheat on you! I told you what it was like. I thought it was you under the sink, and I grabbed him by the balls, and he hit his head on the sink and lost consciousness.

" "So where did this article come from?

" "It's probably that doctor, that old lecher, Janicki, who called the newspaper and gave them this made-up information to get a commission on the article. Ask anyone you want, the neighbors, Piotr, anyone will tell you it's nonsense! I'll take the newspaper and that doctor to court. They'll deny it all, you'll see!

" "Okay, I believe you. After all, I've never caught you cheating, and this article looks like the product of some sick mind. Everything in it seems to me Completely unbelievable.

"Exactly, honey. It's the product of some sick mind. Come here," she tugged on his hand so hard that he fell on top of her. "Let's not argue anymore. Fuck me if you agree!"

*****

Two hours later, Grażyna burst into the Kubiak apartment. She ran into the kitchen, where Mirek was sitting at the table. She was very upset. She showed him the newspaper and asked,

"Have you read it?" she asked in a trembling, squeaky voice.

"Yes, I have," Mirek replied calmly.

"I saw Marzena leaving the apartment building, so I came to talk.

" "She went to the supermarket.

" "Look, they've been cheating on us for years, and we didn't know anything about it. What nasty scum!"

"They weren't cheating on us at all. It was a mistake. Marzena thought I was fixing a leaky pipe, and that's the only reason she grabbed Piotr by the balls, and he was so surprised he hit his head.

" "That's what she says.

" "I believe her. They definitely didn't have sex.

" "Maybe not, but I'm sure Piotr would have wanted to. Haven't you seen how he always stares at Marzena's tits?

" "The fact that he stared doesn't prove anything.

" "I believe the newspaper more than Marzena. They had to know all this from somewhere, right? Whether they had sex or not, if he's into Marzena and wants to fuck her, it's the same as if he did. Mental and physical betrayal are the same to me! And if he cheated on me, I won't be faithful to him either!"

She quickly took off her blouse and threw it on the floor. Her bra flew behind her. Then she took off her skirt and panties. Naked as God created her, she lay down on the kitchen table, spread her legs wide, and said,

"Take me, Mirek! I know you've always wanted to fuck me. We'll pay our unfaithful spouses back in kind."

Mirek stared at her nakedness in surprise for a moment, then said,

"Get dressed, Grażyna. I like you, but neither your "poor-boobs" nor that jungle of your little tits excites me at all.

" "You boor!" She jumped to her feet, thoroughly offended, and slapped Mirek across the face. "Don't talk to me, you jerk. You'll want something again, and then I won't give it to you. All men are the same idiots. You only go for big boobs, nothing more!"

She grabbed her clothes and ran naked out of the apartment, slamming the door loudly. She thought she could make it through the two meters of the hallway to her apartment door unnoticed. However, she was unlucky that day. Seven-year-old Pawełek, who lived upstairs, was just returning from school. Seeing his neighbor, he politely said,

"Good morning, miss!"

Grażyna covered her most embarrassing part with her hand and barged into the apartment without a word. As soon as he got home, Paweł didn't hesitate to tell his father what she'd seen.

"Daddy, and Mrs. Grażynka was just leaving Mr. Kubiak's place naked!

" "Naked?

" "Yes, she was completely naked and had her things in her hand.

" "Some nice things are happening with those Kubiaks lately. And they seem like such honest people. It seems they were telling the truth after all.

" "Daddy, why doesn't Mrs. Grażynka have breasts like Mommy?

" "She does, just tiny ones.

" "So why doesn't she wear them?"

*****

"I didn't go to the neighbor's to please her," Piotr explained to the old man. – She wasn't supposed to be home, and I was supposed to fix a leaking pipe because a neighbor asked me to.

"Sir, it's us who are the fools, not me," the old man replied. "You went to fuck the neighbor, that's as certain as the sun.

" "Not at all. The neighbor gave me the keys and no one was supposed to be home.

" "And the neighbor didn't catch you fooling around with the neighbor?

" "No, the neighbor didn't come back until the evening.

" "Oh, I see. You didn't please her in bed, and she tried to rip your balls off, so she threw you up the stairs, and you broke your arm and leg. Ha, ha, ha, that's a good story," the old man laughed.

"I don't know what you're talking about.

" "Don't you know? Here's the newspaper, my grandson brought it to me today. Read this article: 'Father Won't Give You, Mother Won't Give You, What Your Neighbor Can Give You!'" He handed Piotr the newspaper.

"Your wife must be very angry with you. Be careful, because now she might rip your balls off. You have to please her in bed, and she'll forgive you anything." But can you do it, boy? If you couldn't handle a needy neighbor, you must have a weak root, right? I'm almost seventy years old, and I still have a healthy and strong root! I've never failed to please anyone in bed! And I've had three wives, Lord rest their souls. And I can't count the number of neighbors I've visited. And I've always risen to the occasion.

Piotr finished reading the article and was panting with agitation.

"Why did you get married, boy, if you have such a weak root? A word to the wise is enough; you don't have to tell me anything. I know what went on with that neighbor, I know it well. After all, you have that experience, heh, heh, heh. You must have failed miserably for her to treat you like that, poor thing." She wanted to rip your balls off, look how these women are these days... And my father always said, "If you have a healthy root, get married. And if you're in trouble, stay quiet by the stove." You should have stayed quiet by the stove, poor thing, and not taken on women. Always listen to the scary ones, boy.

" "You know what, Grandpa?" Piotr was beyond irritated. "You'd better not say anything anymore. Because if I get angry, if I take a torch, if I smack that stupid head, you'll finally shut your mouth! My root is healthy, and I didn't even touch the neighbor. I was just supposed to fix the pipe. It was neighborly help! Understand?

THE END.