Closing the heart

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It was New Year's Eve, and I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, my only companion my three-month-old son. I was dressed in sweatpants and an oversized black sweater, holding a mug of hot chocolate. The room was lit by the TV. I didn't even know what was on, as I was completely focused on the snow falling outside. I wondered how it was possible that each flake had a different shape. They all looked similar at first glance, but upon closer inspection, significant differences became apparent—just like with people. At first, everyone was identical, and only when you get to know them better do you realize they were completely different. I got up from the couch and went to the window. I looked out at the white world. The trees were lightly dusted with white fluff, and small icicles hung from some branches. The streets were empty; no one wanted to grace them with their presence—everyone was probably at parties or balls somewhere, having a truly wonderful time with their loved ones. I was sad not because I hadn't gone anywhere, but because of the absence of someone close to me. It was supposed to be another night without Mulder, but it wasn't like any other. It was special because it opened up a new year and new possibilities for people. But not for me – or so I thought. I moved away from the window and returned to the couch. I glanced at the TV and turned it off with resignation. I didn't want to look at other people's smiling faces, and I certainly couldn't watch them kiss at midnight – it was definitely beyond me. It was well after ten in the evening, so I decided that the best plan for the rest of his life was sleep. I turned off the lights in the living room and headed towards my son's room. I walked over to the crib and looked down at his sweet, peaceful face. He truly looked like his father. He had similar eyes, facial features, lips, and nose. I began to wonder if he would hate the shape of his face as much as his father did. I marveled at my little miracle for a moment longer, then leaned down, kissed him on the cheek, and quietly left the room. I went into the bedroom and changed into my pajamas. This was going to be the first New Year's Eve I'd slept through in over twenty-five years. I climbed into bed and pulled the covers tight around me. The moment my head touched the pillow, I fell asleep immediately.

In the middle of the night, I was awakened by a noise. It wasn't a baby crying, but something else entirely. I quickly got out of bed and left the bedroom to figure out what was happening. First, I checked the living room, then the kitchen, and the bathroom; nothing had changed. Then I went to Willie's room. When I opened the door, I was frozen in place. Someone was leaning over his crib, but they must have heard me and turned towards me. I couldn't move or say a word. I simply stood there, waiting for the person's next move. Slowly, the thought began to form in my mind: I knew this figure from somewhere. He began walking towards me. With each passing second, he grew closer, and I recognized him in almost every detail. In the way he took each step, the undulations of his shoulders, the movement of his hands. It was too good to be true. It couldn't be him; he couldn't just return overnight. We'd arranged otherwise; this wasn't part of the plan. The touch of a hand on my shoulder tore me from my thoughts. I slowly raised my head and opened my eyes; I didn't even remember closing them. Before me stood the man I loved, the one I'd said goodbye to three months ago on the threshold of my apartment. I held my eyes open fiercely, refusing to blink for fear that the man standing before me would disappear. I felt my eyes begin to sting and water. I blinked, and with surprise, he stood there, waiting for my reaction. There could only be one: I immediately fell into his arms and snuggled as close to him as I could. I missed his warmth so much, the sound of his heartbeat against my ear.

"I missed you so much," I heard his soft whisper, and tears welled up in my eyes. "I had to come back. I couldn't stand it anymore without you. I'd lost so much of his life," he said, pointing to the crib. I knew what he meant. He last saw his son when Willi was two days old – a lot had changed in his absence. Mulder leaned over me and gently kissed my lips. I returned his kiss with all the passion I had built up inside me. I felt him pull me closer, his hands sliding up my back, one pausing occasionally on my buttock. After a few minutes, we stopped and gasped for air. We stared into each other's eyes, burning with desire.

"Happy New Year," I heard Mulder whisper softly in my ear. I looked into his dark, tear-filled eyes. I saw all his emotions there—fear, longing, happiness, and desire. I felt him gently leading me out of Willie's room. He gently picked me up and walked briskly to my bedroom. He laid me on the bed, and despite his haste, he did it with incredible gentleness. Time ceased to matter to me then, because only what was happening mattered. I don't know when or how, but one moment we were both naked, and the next our bodies were moving in a rhythm unique to them. Faster and more restless with each passing moment, awaiting the moment of ultimate pleasure, for which we both craved it equally. Our breathing was heavy and uneven. I felt as if I was about to run out of air. I sank into the feeling, and then I heard Mulder scream my name. A second later, I did the same, and then his lips were on mine, smothering any further cries with a kiss. We kissed gently for a few more minutes until one of us broke the kiss, I don't even know which one.

"I love you, remember that," I heard Mulder's soft voice.

"I love you too," I replied, unable to utter a single word more. I felt Fox settle into my lap and snuggle against my back. His hands were intertwined on my stomach, and his face was buried in my hair. I could feel his breath on them. The scent of sex, passion, and the love we shared surrounded us. The warmth of his body and everything around me allowed me to drift freely into the realm of Morpheus.

I woke up and immediately felt a warm, soft body in my arms. I opened my eyes and saw a shock of red hair before me. I smiled, remembering last night. It was definitely the best New Year's Eve of my life. I gently brushed her hair away from her neck and kissed her. Then I heard the soft cry of a baby. I didn't want to wake Dane, so I quickly got out of bed, folded my boxers, and went to see my son for the first time in three months. I entered his room and calmly walked from the door to his crib. Before picking him up, I looked down at him. I watched his eyes widen in surprise that it wasn't his mommy coming for him, but a complete stranger. I gently picked him up, wrapped him in a blanket, and placed him in my arms. He stopped crying, and that was the most important thing. I began to examine him closely. He looked just like me. He had my eyes, my mouth, and, worst of all, my nose. I hated my own, and I wondered if my son would feel the same way about him. I walked him over to the changing table and changed his diaper. It was my first time in three months, and I was proud to say I did quite well. I picked William up and hugged him again. I returned to the bedroom with him and climbed back into bed. As soon as he saw his mommy next to him, all was lost. He started reaching for her with his little paws, and I had no strength to stop him. I placed him on his tummy, right next to her face, so he could easily reach her with his little hands. Just as I expected, as soon as he touched her face, Dana was instantly wide awake. First, he hugged him, then she sat up and leaned against the wall behind the bed.

"Mulder, could you get me a shirt from the drawer?" she asked, gesturing to the furniture. I nodded in agreement, then stood up, went to the dresser, opened the drawer, and pulled out the first shirt my hands found. I was surprised to see that the clothes weren't Dana's, but mine. I turned to her with a question in my eyes. I thought she knew what I meant.

"Oh, come on, don't look at me like that. I didn't want to throw them away. At least they're useful for something." I made a disappointed face, and Dana laughed at the sight.

"Don't look at me like that. I know you don't mind me wearing your clothes. Could you give me some now? I'd like to feed our baby, and I'm not really comfortable doing it naked." After saying that, I walked over to the bed and handed her a nightgown. She put it on and started feeding our son. I wasn't sure how to react, as it was the first time I'd been in this situation. She'd never done this in front of me before. I wanted to look at her, but on the other hand, I felt embarrassed and didn't know how she would react. I turned around and was about to leave the bedroom with some stupid excuse when I heard her voice.

"Mulder, where are you going?" I turned back to her and tried to look anywhere but at the protruding sliver of her bare breast.

"I thought you wanted to be alone and...

" "If I wanted to be alone, I would have told you. Mulder, stop fooling around and go back to bed." I was happy to hear her words, and honestly, a weight lifted from my chest. I returned to her and lay on my side, resting my head on my elbow. A few minutes later, when Willi had been fed, Dana placed him between us and assumed the same position as me. We lay facing each other. I turned my full attention to my son. Every now and then, I'd look up and smile at Dana, and he'd smile back. It was truly wonderful, and I didn't want to ruin it all, but I knew I'd have to talk to her eventually and explain everything.

We lay in bed, our full attention focused on our baby. I was so happy he was finally back. Some people would say it had only been three months, but to me, it felt like an eternity. The terrible ninety-two days without him dragged on mercilessly, each minute feeling like twenty-four hours. It was endless suffering. I didn't go to work, I stayed home all day with the little one, and I thought about Mulder almost constantly. I was afraid something had happened to him, that maybe he was already dead, that someone had caught him and hurt him. My mind was filled with nothing but dark and gloomy thoughts. Sometimes I felt like I was starting to go mad. I imagined Mulder somewhere beside me, helping me with William, taking care of us. I often talked to myself as if I were talking to him. Fortunately, that was over and in the past. None of that mattered anymore because Fox was back and with us, and that was all that mattered. I don't know how long we stayed in bed. When William fell asleep, we got out of bed and went to eat breakfast. In the kitchen, we acted like a couple of kids. We fed each other, and every now and then one of us would burst into uncontrollable laughter. It was all truly wonderful, but one thought began to torment me. I had to find out if he'd come back to stay with us, or if it was just a visit for a few days. I wanted him to stay with us so badly, to never leave me alone with our son again. I had to ask him, but I was afraid of the answer, afraid of hearing that he had to leave because not everything had been resolved and sorted out yet. Only that evening did I manage to bring myself to ask him about our future plans. We were sitting on the couch in the living room, watching TV like any normal couple would at this time of night. I leaned against Mulder's chest, holding our son in my arms. The little one slowly began to blink, and it was obvious he wanted to sleep. I'd fed and bathed him a little earlier, so we didn't have to worry about that too much. I felt good in Mulder's arms. I felt safe and loved. I knew I didn't have to worry about anything, because Mulder would help me solve all my problems. A kiss on my neck snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned to Fox.

"What's the matter?" I asked. He didn't say anything, just smiled at me and handed me the blanket in the basket that was lying on the back of my bed.

"You should probably cover him up," he said, pointing to the little one. "He just fell asleep and might get cold." I smiled and did as he told me. I spread the blanket and wrapped it around our little miracle, who was sleeping peacefully on my chest. I stroked his back with my hands, then intertwined my hands with his. A moment later, I felt Mulder's hands on mine. We both held our baby, giving him a sense of security and love with that touch.

"How did Bill react to everything?" I had no idea why he was asking me about my brother; it was a completely different topic from what I was really interested in.

"About what?" I wasn't sure what he meant. Mulder knew Bill was happy I was pregnant, but he only criticized me for being a single mother.

"About the news of my fatherhood and my disappearance right after Willie was born?" Mulder's hands moved to my shoulders and began to gently massage them. I knew why he was doing it; he wanted me to relax and tell him everything. He knew it would be easier for me.

"Honestly, he wanted to kill you, but when I explained everything to him, he understood, or at least he understood it well. I haven't spoken to him in over two months.

" "Why?" he asked, and I took a deep breath.

"Because we had a fight.

" "But you just said Bill understood everything. It wasn't about me, was it?

" "Partly. It was about my job. As usual, anyway. He said that now that I had a child, I should stop chasing nonsense, find a good husband, and lead a normal, peaceful life. As usual, I disagreed with his opinion, and then he brought up your topic and said it wasn't worth waiting for you because you wouldn't come back anyway, because the truth was more important to you than my well-being and the well-being of our child." I felt a hot tear roll down my cheek, remembering that awful conversation. Mulder wiped it away with the back of his hand. I tried to push my emotions aside and calmly recall the rest of my conversation with Bill. "And then he said I was stupid and that he didn't understand how I could have let myself be so fooled." Then a few more unpleasant words were exchanged, and he left, slamming the door behind him. I haven't spoken to him since then because I decided we had nothing to talk about. I knew you'd come back. She was waiting for you, and now you're here, and you'll stay forever." I looked at him with hope in my eyes, but when I saw his gaze, I was terrified.

"I think we should talk," he said, and I got up and went to put Willie to bed. I had a feeling this conversation wouldn't be pleasant. After a few minutes, I returned to the living room and found Mulder sitting on the couch. He didn't look well; all the joy he'd shown moments before had vanished completely. He was worried, I knew it, worried about me. I walked over to him, sat on the couch, and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, what's wrong?" I asked quietly, dreading the answer.

"I'm not back forever. I have to leave tomorrow, the day after tomorrow at the latest." He looked at me, guilt evident in his eyes.

"You've got to be joking. Tell me you're joking, I don't accept that you'll leave me again. That you'll leave your son. You haven't wasted enough time yet. Do you want to disappear again? Not to give me any sign of life again, for what, six months, a year, maybe a few years?" I got up from the couch and took a few steps away from him. He looked at me, and I knew he couldn't understand my outburst.

"Dana, please calm down, nothing like that will happen. I'll be back soon. I promise you that." Oh no, this was too much for me. I couldn't bear the next words he spoke.

"Do you remember what you told me last time we saw each other? When we said goodbye at the door to my apartment? Do you remember?" I screamed. I couldn't bear it anymore. I looked at him and saw him nod in agreement.

"I don't think so, so let me remind you. You held me in your arms then and asked me not to cry because you'd come back. You promised me that when you came back, it would be forever. You said you were leaving me like this for the first and last time. You promised me that, and now you're doing it completely differently. Why did you come back, why are you here if you haven't sorted out all your issues? Why did you lie to me then?

" "You don't understand. I missed you so much. I had to see you, I had to check if you were okay." I wanted to see you, I had to see YOU." He got up from the couch, walked over to me, and tried to hug me. He couldn't, so I turned away from him and stood a few steps away. He knew I had to keep some distance between us, because one tiny, tiny hug could ruin everything, and I wouldn't be able to finish what I started.

"You had to see me, or maybe you just had to fuck me. Do you know how I feel right now?" I asked him, and he shook his head.

"I'll tell you what. I feel like a cheap whore, or even worse, you know. At least whores get paid. You have it better—she supports herself, and you have me at your fingertips. Convenient, right? You don't have to spend money." With each passing moment, my voice grew louder until it escalated into a scream.

"Dana, calm down, or at least try to speak softly, or you'll wake the little one." He tried to approach me again, and I took a few steps away from him again.

"What do you really care? He never has a problem anyway. You left me alone with him. You didn't seem to care then, and now you're pretending to be a loving daddy? I wonder when you'll next show up? When he starts walking, or when he finishes college?" I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I knew I was hurting him, but I was sure it was the only way he'd understand everything. I wanted him to finally understand what all this meant to me and how I felt about this situation.

"Dana, please calm down, I'm only going away for a short time now...

" "That's bullshit," I interrupted him abruptly, but he couldn't grasp what I was trying to convey. I had to go to the extreme, I had to finally get my life together. Bill was right, though – nothing mattered to Mulder except his damn truth.

"Don't say that." You know I would never lie to you. I laughed at those words. He still couldn't understand that he'd already lied to me once, or at least that's how I felt.

"That's what you're doing," I said curtly, and he followed me into the bedroom. I grabbed his bag of clothes and threw it on the bed. I quickly packed the rest of his things. When I tried to grab a few things that were lying around, Mulder grabbed my hand and pulled me closer.

"What the hell are you doing? Calm down and let me explain everything." He said through gritted teeth. I started to struggle against him, but unfortunately, he was stronger than me—I couldn't break free.

"I don't want any more explanations. You know what, you're just like your biological father in one way; you're both equally deceitful." He let go of me then. I was afraid he'd hit me or do something equally childish, but he just looked at me with immense pain in his eyes. I grabbed my bag and quickly walked with it to the living room. I left it by the front door and waited patiently for Mulder. He appeared a few moments later. He walked at a calm, slow pace, his head down. I didn't want this to happen, but it had to happen.

"Dana, please don't do this to me. Don't do this to us. Not to our child. I'm asking you this, because we can handle it for a few more weeks," he said. In response, I handed him his leather jacket.

"Let's spare ourselves all this. You have to go, so do it today, or stay. It's your decision, but if you walk out that door now, I have one request for you: never come back here again. Let me get my life together, let me raise MY son in a normal family." I looked at him. I marked my words very clearly; I couldn't give him any hope. My eyes stung mercilessly, but I knew I couldn't cry, I couldn't show him how weak I was. I waited for his move. He did what I feared most. He took my jacket and put it on.

"You know I don't want that. I'm doing this against my will, understand me. I'll come back here, you understand. I'll come back to you, and we'll be happy, we'll raise OUR son together." He marked the word just as I'd marked one earlier. I just nodded at what he said; I had nothing more to say to him; he'd already made his decision, and I would do the same. I had no strength left to stop him. He opened the door and leaned over me. I thought he was reaching for his bag, but he did something completely different. He pulled me to him, and before I could react, he kissed me. I didn't resist, and I even kissed him back, because it was supposed to be our last. I don't know when, but we definitely broke off after a long moment. Mulder still held my face in his hands and gently brushed my cheeks with his fingertips. He leaned down to my ear. I felt his warm breath on my cheek.

"I love you," he whispered. "And I'll come back to you, to you.

" "Maybe you won't have what to do?" He looked at me, and I saw tears welling up in his eyes. He stared at me for a moment longer, but my face betrayed no emotion. I had no choice then—he turned and left my apartment. I closed the door behind him, simultaneously closing my heart to him... But would I ever?