I want him to think that way

 

"

She's there! I see her. I have classes next to her again. Is this some kind of punishment? I've been struggling with the fact that I hurt her for almost a year. I didn't mean to. Really. I'm still trying to love her. Because I want to love her. I just can't. I sat down against the wall. I didn't even know what to reach out to to distract my gaze. She sat down against the wall opposite. Definitely on purpose. She always moves in front of me. She doesn't know I always see her. She's sitting with her friends... what were their names, wait... she definitely told me... the one in the colorful sweater is Marta, definitely... the other one probably has that name too. Yes, I remember. I often hear Karolina calling down the hall, "Marty! Wait!" There's another boy with them. I have no idea what his name might be. Maybe it's Marcin? Or Michał? She talked so much about him... Oh, how well they get along. She holds his hands so he doesn't tickle Marta. Those should be MY hands! I should be sitting there with her right now… I want to hug her, feel her hair on my face… her beautiful, golden blond hair, curled like springs. I should be looking into her green hair, as deep as the world's greatest oceans. STOP! What the hell am I thinking?! An ordinary girl, and in love with me for some reason I don't know. Ordinary? She has a beautiful smile… those even teeth… she's never smiled at me. We rarely talk at all. More often on instant messenger. And why couldn't we just talk normally? Is she embarrassed or something? No… wait… I wasn't the one who wanted to talk to her. I was hoping that when she didn't exchange a word with me, she'd understand it was just infatuation, not love. But… on the other hand, can infatuation last a whole year? She's playing with that friend of hers… if she likes me, why is she rubbing someone else's hands?! What is she thinking? I'm about to walk up to him and kick the shit out of that guy. No… what am I thinking? I have no right to forbid her from having friends. She should have as many as possible. And find someone who will love her. Not me… me, who doesn't know exactly how she feels… because I don't know, I don't know… I don't know if I love her. Even though I want to. She's so good. She always wanted to volunteer at the shelter. Her parents won't let her. She also wanted to raise money for the Children's Home. This time, the principal wouldn't let her. She said "there have to be paperwork." Nothing ever goes her way. I didn't go her way either. I can't sit here like this. I got up. I'll go to them! I'll ask her to talk to me! Even though I rarely hear her voice, I know it by heart… It's so gentle, so velvety… it sounds like the most beautiful music to my ears. I could listen to it day and night. No! I won't go near it! I can't… so many people here. And then there's that "friend." I went to the window. It's pouring… Karolina likes rain. I think I do too. Why? Because she likes it.

What's happening to me? Was I really falling in love with her? I cast another glance her way. SHE LOOKED AT ME! Our eyes met! A strange, warm shiver ran through me…

"Przemek! Look, yours, she's staring at you again, her eyes almost popping out!" Kuba joked. I usually laughed at such comments. Now I felt a terrible rage inside me. How dare he make fun of such a wonderful person as Karolina?! I didn't answer, just gave him a meaningful look. The bell rang. I'll do it when she's leaving for home. By the locker room.

And I see her again. She's walking with another guy again. I can't strike up a conversation with her in front of this guy. I'll follow them, maybe they'll split up on the way out, then I'll strike up a conversation with her. Slowly, as if nothing had happened, I followed them at a safe distance. I heard snippets of conversation. They want to go to the same high school. I'm about to explode! Don't let him hit on her! English class? I can go to that lick too! I'll go! And a year later, she'll join me!

How long can you talk to one friend?! I can't stand here and wait for them to stop. The bell will eventually ring, and I still have classes. Too bad. One goat death. Slowly, with trembling legs, I approached her.

"Karolina?" I asked in a hoarse voice. She looked at me with eyes as wide as saucers.

"Przemek... hi," she said, confused.

The guy she'd been talking to gave me a look that clearly said, "Get lost." But I wasn't about to give up.

"Can we talk? Uh... privately?" I asked.

"Sure," she stammered. "Hi Wojtuś, see you tomorrow," she said, and kissed the boor on the cheek. YES! She kissed him on the cheek! That mammoth fart! That... that scrawny little guy! And she even shortened his name! "Wojtuś"!

"Well, hello," he replied, disgusted, and moved on.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked with such hope in her eyes. Her lips formed a pretty croissant. I couldn't get the words out. What should I tell her? After all these months of assuring her that nothing would ever happen between us, that there was no chance... after all these months of screwing up her life, should I just blurt out, "I understand that I love you?" No... I can't be that rude. I can't.

"Well?" Karolina urged.

"You know... because this... I'd like..." I frantically thought about what I could say to her. I just have to meet her... I MUST!

"I was wondering if you could give me Anka's number," I blurted out without thinking. All that great hope that had shone so beautifully in her eyes suddenly vanished. Like a colorful and delicate soap bubble. What a jerk I am... I could have said something else. I could have thought of something else! Anything! But no, I had to mention Ania. Ania is a girl who also somehow "falls in love" with me. I put it in quotation marks because this girl doesn't know me at all. She decided that looking was enough for her. Karolina probably thought I wanted to get to know this Anka! Jerk, jerk, jerk!

"Sure... I'll bring it to you tomorrow, I don't have it with me," she said lamely. "I have to go. You know..." My sister is waiting. Bye,

she turned and started walking. Oh no! I can't leave it like this! No way!

"Karolina, let's meet around five today?" I blurted out.

She stopped. She turned away. She looked at me as if I were from outer space.

I could feel the eyes of everyone leaving school, heading home, or just stepping out for some air. In that small crowd, I also spotted a girl who genuinely hated Karolina for something she hadn't done. She looked at Karolina with eyes full of contempt and disgust. I wanted to punch her in the face so hard she wouldn't know which way was up or which way was down!

"Okay. Where?" Karolina asked. "

I'll come pick you up."

"Do you know where I live?" she asked, surprised. "

You told me once

." "Okay... so I'll wait at five.

Yes. I made a date with her. I'll tell her today. That I'm sorry. I'll come with a rose. A red one. I'll choose the most beautiful one from the entire flower shop. And I'll buy her a bracelet. She always liked bracelets. I happen to have some money. I won't skimp on a star as beautiful as her. And I'll apologize to her for all the suffering, for every pain. For everything. I want to be with her. If only she'd agree...