Kuba stood there, stunned, unable to utter a single word. For the first time in his life, he had seen Weronika cry. This strong, cheerful girl, who for five months had been the only person in the world worth living for, now stood before him completely broken, sobbing, unable to utter a single word, even though he knew she was desperately trying to hold back what she so desperately wanted to say. He wondered how it was possible that instead of taking her in his arms, hugging her tightly, and asking what had happened, he had simply stood there and watched. It was so surreal. It was one of those moments when, after a while, we realize that nothing is truly simple, and that what happened changes us forever, even if we don't yet have the slightest idea what it was.
Weronika tried to look at him, but all she saw was a distorted image of his face, several meters away from hers. She understood him. He was the first person to see her cry. She'd wanted to avoid it so badly, but today had shattered everything she'd ever believed in—that she could rebuild her life by keeping everything a secret, that she wouldn't hurt anyone consciously, that nothing ever happened twice. She'd believed that just two hours ago.
"Weronika..." Kuba stammered. "Weronika, Christ, what happened?"
At that moment, the girl began to sob even harder. She couldn't even imagine telling him all this, but she had to. Kuba was the only person who not only deserved to know the truth, but had to. She gathered all the strength she had left and began to speak.
"Kubuś..." her voice broke. It felt like every word she spoke was like a slap in the face from someone she loved. So hard to understand and to do.
"Kubuś, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, but I didn't think about it. I would never do something like that to you, I never even wanted to, I thought I could handle it all on my own, but I was so stupid, so stupid and naive, I didn't want to, I could have told you from the very beginning..." At that moment, she simply couldn't utter a single word. It was too much.
"Christ, Weronika, tell me what's going on," Kuba begged. He couldn't bear the sight of her; tears began to flow from his eyes. "I'm begging you...
" "Kubuś, I can't...
" "Honey, please..."
"I didn't mean to, really, forgive me...
" "Weronika..." Kuba understood everything at that moment. He understood what Weronika was apologizing for.
"Honey, you cheated on me, didn't you?
" "Kubuś, please forgive me..."
"Fuck, girl, tell me the truth!
" "I can't, understand me..."
"Oh, well, I figured it out myself! Thanks so much for everything!
" "Kubuś...
" "Don't even fucking talk to me like that! Say it to my face, come on, say it!!!
" "Kuba, what do you want me to tell you?! You want the truth? Go ahead! Just the facts? Okay, no problem! Two years ago, my father raped me! He was drunk and just wanted to, you know?! I ended up in the hospital after he beat me up, I have some fucking artificial lobes on my skull, both my arms were broken, and that's why I can't play basketball anymore!!! When my mother found out, she just threw me out! She decided it was my fault! I lived with my friends until they put me in an orphanage. Do you know what a fantastic orphanage that was? During my two-year stay there, I broke my leg and wrist twice, and I was hospitalized because of damage to those fucking lobes!" I finally moved into a normal house, met you, and decided to forget about the past, just pretend it never happened! And for those damned five months, I managed. But a few months ago, when I was coming back from university..." her voice broke again, her eyes filled with tears again, but she was calmer now and didn't scream. "I was walking through the park and two guys grabbed me from behind. I tried to pull away, but they were stronger... That's where the bruises came from. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't defend myself, and all those memories came flooding back... I didn't want to do this to them, really, Kubuś, I didn't... I only love you..."
The boy stood completely baffled. The only thought in his mind at that moment was: it's impossible... Something like this simply couldn't happen. He wished he didn't believe a word Weronika said, but he knew she was telling the truth. He was surprised he didn't hate her father or those guys from the park. He felt terrible. He felt terrible, not only because his girlfriend had suffered the greatest tragedy he could imagine, but also because for five whole months he'd been completely clueless, and she hadn't told him a thing. It hurt as much as knowing someone had broken the happiest girl he'd ever known. He still loved her as much as before, perhaps even more, if that were even possible. He didn't know what to say. It seemed to him that no matter what he said, it would be inappropriate, and above all, he didn't want to hurt her with words. So he just stood there, memories of their days together and wild, intoxicating nights flashing before his eyes. Only now did he understand how much pain he must have caused Veronica by making love to her, when every intimacy reminded her of the pain inflicted by her father and the rapists in the park. Why hadn't he noticed anything before?
Now they stood, pressed together so tightly, as if they never wanted to be apart, as if neither could survive without the other, survive on this planet where everything was so complicated and unfair. People passing by, seeing the copious tears streaming down their cheeks, could only wonder what had caused them.
That day, colorful leaves, carried by the cool wind, gathered on their bodies, flying past them and reminding them with their scent that autumn was coming to an end; their beloved autumn, the serene, happiest season, which they both adored above all else, told them to enjoy the last rays of sunshine, the beautiful sight of life in shades of brown, green, yellow, red... The end of autumn was always the saddest; it reminded them that winter was approaching—a season they both hated as much as they loved autumn.
"I love you... No matter what, or rather, I love you for who you are, for what happened to you... God, I love you so much, and I don't know what to say. I simply don't know. I don't have the courage to realize what you told me yet... Oh God, Veronica, I don't know what to say... I love you so much..." He still couldn't utter a single word; tears flooded his face, and his voice refused to leave his throat. He knew that no matter what he said, it would be meaningless. And he so desperately wanted to find some meaning now—for himself and, above all, for her, a meaning to life that would be a reason to stay in this world.
"There's something else..." the girl said quietly. "Something you need to know, because it concerns me as much as you... I... I..."
The boy looked at her. He knew nothing would surprise him now, but in the girl's eyes he saw even greater fear—no, not fear, it was terror—than before. He thought then that no matter what she told him, he would stay with her until the very end. He wouldn't delay any longer; he'd propose, they'd get married, sign up for therapy, have children, buy a beautiful cottage in the mountains overlooking a huge lake, and they'd go there every fall. Weronika would become a famous designer, just like she'd always dreamed of, and he would become an architect. They'd earn a lot of money, buy a new car. And above all, they'd pray to God every day. Giving thanks for what He'd given them, what He'd taken from them, what He'd taught them. They'd be happy again. Ultimately, their own happiness depends on them, and no one can take away their right to be happy. Not Weronika's father, not even the rapists. Only they decide their own fate.
"I have AIDS... I found out today... I'm sorry..."
The boy's heart stopped beating for a moment, and in that same moment, he felt the first snowflakes on his face... Cold, unpleasant, hateful.
How wrong he had been to think that only he and she had the right to decide their fate...
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