That Friday

It's never been like this for me before. Probably precisely because I'd never taken such a step before... I even thought I'd never be able to do it. A mistake. Back then, on Wednesday, everything was simpler. Yesterday, THESE thoughts had already appeared, and today, this terrible fear of tomorrow had joined them. The actress and He would put on a show. A hidden, nonexistent camera would capture His unconscious game. I feel my body slowly filling with the pounding of my heart. Knock... Knock... Knock... Lost somewhere, the rhythm of life once resonates with emptiness, helplessness, contemplation, from the depths of my soul, returns with a sharp thud to my brain, and I remember again. It's impossible to forget something LIKE THAT. At least I don't know how. I don't even know if FORGETTING is what my "recently acquired schizophrenia" needs, my disoriented ego lost in reality. The sweet, creamy aroma of coffee gently lulls my frantic senses. Music in the air... Not far behind me, the day has died... I am. Bad. I hurt people. The worst part is that these aren't just ordinary people who walk every day on the dirty sidewalk slabs of cold concrete beneath my windows, completely unmoving me from before the glass screen, clicking, clicking under my fingertips. They, the others, the EXTRAORDINARY ones, make me smile. THIS smile is so very different from THAT one. And yet it's there. And though it's so new and unfamiliar in its consequences, it gives me warmth and is pleasant. THAT smile lasts. It hasn't grown boring. It's not worse. It's different. It gives me warmth and is pleasant... Maybe there's no point in torturing myself like this. Maybe my thoughts can be calmed somehow. If only for a moment. If only they didn't talk so much... If only for a moment... For a moment... A moment... There are days when I envy those whose minds don't speak to them. Don't shout in their ears that they've failed so miserably. Again... My Ego can speak. I taught it myself. Back then, when it rained, and I was so afraid that the Angels were being harmed, I cried with them. I watched with such pride as Ego learned new words, as he timidly put them together into sentences. Over time, it turned out he knew more than I did. How?... Then someone made a diagnosis. He pronounced a verdict... He was wrong. Ego said they were wrong and there was nothing to worry about. I laughed at all those "nice" ladies and gentlemen who believed they were so wise and kept talking about helping me. And Ego and I laughed at them all until we cried. Ego talked about people whose egos were silent, passive, and passively hidden somewhere among diseased organs. Sometimes even silent egos supposedly tried to learn, but were quickly trampled on, suppressed, and insultingly called "intuition." Ego and I always understood each other well, which the ORDINARY people didn't accept, probably out of jealousy. The ego always knew my dreams. Over time, it learned to be angry. It didn't like it when I dreamed. It began to forbid me from doing so. It had an advantage over me. It was something better than earthly existence. It screamed more and more often... We cried a lot back then.One day, Ego decided to reconcile. It knew my dreams and decided to fulfill them. It brought me my Guardian Angel. I cried with joy. NANO. That was the name of the fulfillment of my dreams. I loved Ego madly. It was always with me and within me. It was unique and the best. It was the love of my life. Nano appeared so suddenly, unexpectedly. He fascinated me. I had never known any Angel. I had no idea how much I would come to love his kindness, his warmth, and that wonderful Light that surrounded me when he came. I loved the soft whiteness of his wings. He came to me often. Most often when Ego was sleeping. We were so quiet together, so warm, so good... He touched me more and more boldly. Ego knew nothing. He loved me very much, although sometimes he couldn't show it. I loved him too. Before I met Nano, no one could ever even remotely compare to Ego. I had to be so careful not to think of Nano even for a moment while Ego was awake. So far, I'd somehow managed. Shh... Ego can't wake up now. I have to finish writing, print it out, open the window, give my confession to someone who doesn't know me. Someone who will pick up the paper, read it, and maybe think about it all for a moment... Maybe they won't even understand anything the wind has accidentally given them. Maybe these few sentences will forever change someone's perspective on the world... Maybe... I talked to Nano recently. Maybe he'll visit me today. He sensed something was wrong. Let him come, hug me, and not ask any questions... When I started caring so much about Nano, about him being around me, I told him that Ego wasn't good for me, that this was probably the end of me and Ego. Nano listened. He understood how I felt. He said he didn't expect more from me than I could give him at the moment. And I wanted to give him so much... But it wasn't all that simple. There was still Ego, without which I didn't want to, or perhaps couldn't, live. Nano knew Ego was still stuck in my head. With Nano, I didn't have to say much. He looked into my eyes and knew... everything, I guess. An angel... I loved that look, and yet I was so afraid of it. Warm, shimmering with a thousand sparks... and so "hellishly" deep, in every possible shade of... BLACK. I often looked away, afraid of that depth. I didn't know what lay at the end of that gaze, at the bottom of that wonderful BLACK. On Wednesday, Nano and I met again. I waited for Ego to fall asleep and went out to meet my fate. A fire ignited... Fire within us and beside us... Fire above us, below us, fire EVERYWHERE... It appeared so suddenly, out of nowhere... Out of nowhere... It was warm, bright, pleasant... Too pleasant. The fiery play of light and shadow enchanted us, emotions danced with hot, luminous sparks, and the scent of THAT beauty filled the air. We couldn't extinguish that fire. First it was too beautiful, then too strong. Nano had never seen fire before; they taught him it was EVIL. Despite everything, Nano wasn't afraid; he lived in the moment,He wanted to remember as much of these strange, previously unknown things as possible. The incredible whiteness of his wings reflected shimmering light in all directions. How unearthly beautiful it was... We knew that THIS was what someone must have once called MAGIC... It was like a dream... Angel, Magic, and me... Then I fell asleep. It was naturally light now. A new day was dawning. Another Thursday. So different from all the previous Thursdays. Thoughts were racing through my head. Fortunately, Ego doesn't know anything. He's been very tired lately and slept a lot. Nano was only there for a moment. He gave me a few of his angelic smiles and then had to go. He had some matters that Earthly Being couldn't know about. Ego was still asleep, somehow weakened. He asked for a few hours of my time when he felt better. I didn't see Nano again that day. Ego didn't feel like talking. That was probably a good thing. Because he might have noticed that so much had changed... He even noticed something... but that was today. On Friday. And it wasn't pleasant that day. It said a few harsh words and went back to sleep. Without a smile. I'd seen Ego in this mood before... It was always like this when Ego was angry with me. It only said we'd talk about it when I was with Him, soon... TOMORROW... Yes. I agreed, even though I knew I wouldn't be entirely with Him, for Him. Some fraction of my Being would be with the Angel I couldn't help but think about, on whom I don't even know when I'd become dependent on, who was so... DIVINE... I'd never thought I could feel SO understood by someone. I was so afraid of talking to Ego. I still loved him. I didn't want to lose him. NO... I couldn't make ANY decision about this. I was left alone with my thoughts. SCHIZOPHRENIA... I think I've finally begun to understand the meaning of that word so often uttered by "nice" people who wanted to help... I remember once telling a woman... I think it was my mother... yes, she was my mother... they told my mother that my illness, schizophrenia, is that I can't cope with my own thoughts... Only now have I become ill. I can diagnose myself. Maybe it will pass, maybe it's nothing serious, just schizophrenia... Before, I could always talk to Ego. It was above everything else and understood everything. Now Ego can't help. Not even Nano. No one can help... My "recently acquired schizophrenia" is really bothering me. Sometimes I take pills that supposedly help. Maybe if I truly believe that this is a cure for my illness, for my sick thoughts, that famous PLACEBO EFFECT, so beloved by all the "nice" people, will work. Well, well... Bad idea? Good idea. As the "nice ones" say, anything that gives even the slightest chance of something changing for the better is GOOD and should be embraced... It is GOOD... Angels are good. Maybe this whole placebo effect has something to do with Angels... Maybe if someone believes with all their heart,Then the Angels gain energy and are able to somehow remove from Earthly Existence a small fraction of the evil that causes pain and suffering. EVIL causes suffering. I know this from Nano. But apparently, tiny scraps of evil are necessary for people to know what happiness is. Evil can also be beautiful, but when there's too much of it, it brings the bitter taste of suffering. And the boundary is so fragile and fragile that it's easy not to even notice when it's crossed... Nano experienced this once. When the flames enchanted him... I wonder if that didn't cause him problems Up There... He didn't say anything, maybe he couldn't... Angels are not allowed to tell people about Up There. This is the most important Angelic rule, next to bringing good and caring for the Earthly Existence entrusted to them. Nano always followed the rules established Up There. Always, except for that one Wednesday, when they enchanted him... when the flames enchanted US... Now I will remain a while in this terribly gray solitude. Maybe Nano will come, maybe the warmth and softness of the white angel wings will soothe my irritated senses, maybe... but not for sure. The ego is so sound asleep. It's somehow menacing, cold, dissatisfied... It fills me with fear. But I still love it and I don't want to hurt it with my problems. I don't want to hurt Nano either... Not for anything... But I realize more and more often that it has to end someday. I don't know if it's possible to escape this schizophrenic situation without even a third of us suffering? But against all odds, I believe that YES... I really want to believe it...I really want to believe this...I really want to believe this...

You know my story. Are you wondering why this strange confession has landed in your hands? I don't know... I don't know anything about you. Apparently, FATE chose you. Apparently, it was written somewhere. Now you can do whatever you want with this paper... Maybe you tear it up, maybe you just crumple it, maybe you burn it, maybe you throw it in the trash... Maybe you'll keep it as a souvenir of that strange adventure when this envelope suddenly landed in your hands... I wonder who you are... You're probably wondering who I am too... But I guess neither of us will ever know that...