Blue almonds

*

She began to confide in her friend. The words flowed out of her like an avalanche. She clearly wanted to spill the beans, had to. Anyone, as long as someone was willing to listen.

"I talked to Grzesiek and told him about him too. As we talked, I felt it wouldn't end well, I felt something was brewing as I uttered every word. Things hadn't been good for a long time, and I couldn't bring myself to end this relationship. I didn't have the heart because I cared about him too much. Especially since I think I'd fallen in love with him. But it didn't matter anyway! It never did! And he never found out. And I guess that's lucky for me." She suddenly burst into tears, knowing that crying wouldn't help her at all. The gentle touch of her friend's hand brought a moment of relief. Then she continued, calming down a bit. "You know, I used to think this was going somewhere, that we were still moving forward, but at a certain point, we stalled; it started to go wrong." We spoke less and less, we wrote each other less and less. And yet I cared so much, but maybe it was precisely because I cared so much that everything fell apart? Or maybe I couldn't interest him anymore? Or maybe because he knew me almost inside out, and there was nothing left to discover? She burst into tears again, as if trying to recall all her memories. "He's part of my nonexistent world! To which only he had access, no one else. I know that sometimes such attempts are ineffective, and I think that's what came true..." She pulled a tissue from her purse, desperately wiping away the makeup smeared across her face. "It's not important anymore; nothing has meaning or significance without him. You know I wrote about our meeting? I have it all written down here somewhere, do you want to hear it?" She pulled a sheaf of scribbled pages from her purse. "I wrote the ending at the very beginning, and now I know I shouldn't have. I think I was just scratching it out. I was scratching out our ending. The end of this relationship." You know what I hate most about myself? That I can screw everything up so beautifully

!

"Yeah, I'm here. Come downstairs." She called him after parking her car near his apartment building. She got out of the car, putting on her coat. She waited. Waited impatiently. She spotted him emerging from the stairwell. She smiled. "It's him!" She felt her hands, tucked into her coat pockets, begin to tremble with each step. He walked slowly, his backpack slung over his shoulder, and he stared at her, unsure if the woman standing by the car, in a short, dark green coat, was the one he was supposed to meet and spend the weekend in the mountains. She didn't match the image he'd created in his mind, despite the photos she'd sent him. But when she started walking toward him, he knew it was her. With a broad smile, she walked up to him; they met halfway. He felt his heart begin to pound.

"Hello. I'm glad we can finally meet in person." A wide, warm smile never left her face.

"Hi," he smiled wryly. "I didn't think you'd arrive so soon... But as you can see, I'm packed and ready for this trip." He extended his hand to her in greeting, but she ignored it. For a moment, they felt the awkwardness of the situation.

"Won't you give me a hug?" she asked with a disarming laugh, stepping even closer to him. They embraced warmly, as if this wasn't their first meeting.

"Come on, let's load your backpack into the car and go." She felt him squinting at her.

"Fifteen seconds is all it takes for a man to judge a woman. How did I do?" she asked with a teasing tone, noticing his gaze

. "Well, how can I put it, you're not my age, but you're not that old either." She laughed, amused by his sarcasm, knowing her inside and out. She opened the trunk and allowed him to toss his backpack inside. Their eyes met again, suddenly intimidated by each other's presence.

"Is this your ride you've been telling me so much about?" he asked, looking at the car, feeling compelled to say something.

"Yes, this is my pampered little car." She smiled fondly at her little car. "So, are you ready? Can we go?" She changed the subject. He stared at her car for a moment, as if he'd never seen one on the street before. "Yes, let's get in," he said after a moment, smiling at her.

They got in, still feeling a little awkward about the situation. Still, neither of them were prepared for such an experience, despite their earlier discussions about the meeting. With a slightly trembling hand, she started the car.

"I don't know about you, but I'm nervous," she suddenly admitted, embarrassed, as if wanting to explain herself. "And I don't know what to say. And yet, after all, we've known each other for so long..." She smiled at him uncertainly. "Before I left, I read all this nonsense about first meetings in real life, and I think that's why our meeting unsettled me a bit. And I suddenly started thinking intensely about what we were going to talk about. And we don't have to do that at all, because the point is to spend some time together, and something always comes up, right?" She blurted out the words at the speed of a rifle, focusing her attention on the road they were taking out of his city. She felt he was still watching her, and it was making her increasingly uneasy. Awkwardness was giving way to curiosity.

"Why are you staring like that?" she dared to ask.

"Because reality can be surprising, and I'm trying to verify all my preconceived notions about you right now.

" "But you're not disappointed, are you?" That would be a disaster! "She laughed loudly.

"Disappointed? No, probably not, but it'll probably take a while before the real image outweighs the imagination. One always imagines different things about someone one has never seen before." He thought for a moment, searching for the right words. "And you, I suppose you have some ideas about me too?" he asked, looking askance at her.

"Well, they do, but they're not the most important thing to me. What matters to me is what's in my head." She pointed to her shapely head. "Although I won't deny that appearance is also important. But it's a matter of what we expect from another person and who we want them to be to ourselves. Do you understand what I mean?" she replied, driving the car deftly. "

You didn't answer my question." He laughed suddenly. "You always do that, you never answer me directly. But I hope that during this trip I'll teach you how to do that," he smiled at her.

"I don't know if you'll be able to change my habits in just a few hours." She responded with a laugh.

The embarrassment and awkwardness suddenly vanished; it was like all their conversations again. She felt this trip would be special, not only because of the destination, but also because of the person. He had become very close to her since they started talking; the dozen or so months they spent together had blossomed into a friendship. And their recent decision to head to the mountains together and meet was actually meant to strengthen or even test their friendship.

They both knew they might not succeed, that they would part ways, deciding never to meet again, but it didn't have to be that way.

"Tell me, who are we finally going to, because I haven't heard that from you yet?" he asked suddenly.

"Ha! These are good old friends of mine, from university. Did you know that they were married for the first time in our year? After graduation, they moved to the mountains and built a house there, which they later converted into a guesthouse. And since Zakopane isn't far from them, I decided it would be the best place for our accommodation. I'll also chat with them for all I've known, if we can find a moment to talk.

" "Do they even know you're coming? And you're not alone?" he asked worriedly.

"Of course they know. We keep in touch; it was about two or three years ago, when I visited them for the last time, but we call each other often. So you have nothing to worry about," she assured him.

"But do they know anything about me? Have you told them anything about me?" He persisted.

She thought for a moment, unsure of what to say. As if she wanted to hide the truth from him.

"They know. Of course I told them about you. But don't worry, only good things." She laughed heartily, looking at him. The boy scowled, showing he wasn't pleased. "Well, it doesn't bother you, does it?" Now she was worried.

"I don't really like it when someone tells me things I don't know about.

" "What, is it important to you what others think of you?" She became seriously concerned and looked at him anxiously.

"No, that's not really important to me, but I don't like people talking about me behind my back. I like to have everything under control. But if you spoke highly of me, then fine. I'm not saying anything more." He brightened. A

sudden silence fell between them, as if they were focused on their own thoughts.

They slowly approached the town where they were supposed to stay. And both of them felt increasingly uneasy.

*

"Can you imagine that I once thought this would really happen?" She suddenly stopped reading the story. Matilda looked at her, wanting to comfort her somehow. "I imagined thousands of scenarios for such a meeting and thousands of places for it, each one not as it should have been, but still bringing hope, smiles, dreams. Hell! Even fantasies about it. They were probably the most effective at bringing a touching, almost painful smile to my face." She pondered her memories for a moment. "And now, where is it all? Only on paper!" she suddenly shouted, as if to erase all her pain, and burst into tears again...

**

They pulled up to the property, honking the horn loudly to announce their arrival. Anna ran out in front of the house and joyfully approached the car, from which a tiny woman and a young boy emerged.

"I can't believe it! You're here already!! To be honest, we were expecting you a little later!" Anna wrapped her strong arms around the small figure of her long-lost friend. "But I'm so glad you decided to come!" She cut off the words, firing them like a machine gun, just like her friend. "And this is, I assume, your friend you've told me so much about?" She turned her gaze and the grip of her strong arms on the shy boy. But he allowed herself to be hugged without hesitation, for the second time that day, which for him was a huge breakthrough in his beliefs. He wasn't one for this kind of greeting. A manly handshake would have been enough for him, not a womanly hug. He was about to learn, however, that it wasn't so bad after all and quite natural for some people, especially her. This was his first experience with her. He had never met anyone who reacted so naturally to new people. And above all, he greeted them so spontaneously. It took him by surprise. He wasn't used to this.

"Come on, I'll show you your rooms; at least you'll have time to settle in before dinner." She led them to a large, two-story, wooden house. Meanwhile, they both quickly summarized recent events, laughing and enjoying their reunion.

"This is your room, I hope you'll be comfortable in it." Anna showed the boy a small but cozy room. "Of course, you can light a fire in the fireplace if you'd like, your bathroom is right here..." After showing him everything, Anna put her arm around her friend. "Come with me, because I have something special for you." And they both left the room, leaving the boy behind and heading to another floor. When Anna opened the door, a very familiar room with a view of the mountains appeared before her eyes.

"How did you know I really wanted this room?" – she asked Anna with unconcealed delight. Her friend laughed.

– What do you mean, I wouldn't know which room to give you? You've always stayed in this one, so now I should give you another one? – she exclaimed, and suddenly they both hugged each other tightly.

– Thank you so much, you don't even know how much this means to me. But I have a question for you… – she paused and looked at Anna anxiously.

– Go ahead, don't be shy – she smiled at her.

– Why did you give him a room on the floor below? – She looked shyly at the woman who was taller than her. Anna pondered for a moment.

– And does that matter to you? – she asked.

– Not really. But we'll be far from each other… – she replied quietly.

– Did you… – she didn't have time to finish.

"No, but there might be some late-night pillow talk. Have a glass of wine... Then it'll be hard to get to your room..." she suddenly laughed. "I'm crazy, aren't I?" Anna joined in with a laugh and nodded.

"You know what I'm telling you, there are no more first-class rooms on this floor!" She put her arm around her friend again, laughing heartily at the joke. "But where there's a will, there's a way, remember." She winked at her. "Now I'll leave you alone. Unpack, rest, and then go get your friend and come over for dinner. You still remember where our dining room is?" They smiled at each other, and with a nod, Anna left the room, quietly closing the door. She went to the window, opened it, and for a moment stared at the mountains. She let out a happy sigh and began to unpack. The several hours of driving had taken their toll, and for a moment she felt tired. But just as that feeling came, it quickly vanished as she thought about tomorrow and the hike that awaited them. The mountains. She knew it was a good idea. She smiled to herself and her thoughts.

**

"Give me your hand, it'll be easier for you to get through." He extended his hand toward her. The hike toward Kozia Przełęcz wasn't demanding, but in some places, they had to be very careful. The route to Kozia Przełęcz wasn't difficult, but the trail itself was more difficult. They walked close together, not wanting to get hurt. They had to be careful; the trail was narrow and slippery, and it was easy to slip on the slippery ledge that dropped down. They managed to get through it, though, and continued along the trail to Kozie Czuby. At the summit, they paused for a moment to admire the view of Świnica and Kościelec. They said nothing for a moment, enjoying the unfolding view. The weather was perfect, but it could change at any moment, as it often does in the mountains. They were prepared for that, though.

"You know, that's why I love mountains, because when you're at the top, your perspective on the world changes so much. You feel alive then. Don't you?" She looked away from him. He considered his answer for a moment.

"At moments like these, I always want to sing, or rather, scream out all my joy, longing, and so many other feelings. It's so strange, and I can't explain it. Something's playing in my soul, something that makes me want to embrace these mountains with all my being. This is where I'd like to sit and write the greatest and most beautiful poems, like Tetmajer's. Someday, I hope, I'll be able to capture this atmosphere and write about it..." He mused over his words.

There's a poem by Tetmajer... "Over the valley hangs the silvery-turquoise silence of the sky, shimmering with sunlight. I look down from the summit: beneath me, the abyss has opened its dark maw, I look into the valley, into the distance..."

"...And somehow a strange, bottomless longing grips me, an inexpressible sorrow..." he finished quietly for her. She suddenly put her arm around him.

"You can't be sad when it's so beautiful here. You have to enjoy every moment, you know?" She smiled at him, gently touching his cheek with the back of her hand. He didn't react to the caress, but she sensed he didn't like it and took her hand, embarrassed.

"But this longing for something..." he continued, without a single facial twitch showing the profound impression it had made on him. "...I can't even define what exactly," he continued, "is so overwhelming compared to the size of these mountains. I feel so tiny, I feel like nothing and nobody. And at the same time, I wish I could stand out in this world of ordinary people." He looked at the sky. He was silent for a moment before speaking again. "It's such a paradox. To be someone and yet nobody. I wish I could blend into this nature, be part of it, live in it." So that I won't be limited by any barriers. And I know, I'm convinced that I'll get there someday." He looked at her challengingly. She smiled, slightly embarrassed. All their conversations always led to her not knowing what to say anyway. Platitudes were all that came to her lips, but he didn't need them.

"You demand too much from life. Learn to enjoy what you have and improve yourself." She said, however.

"Oh! If only it were that simple. These are my blue almonds. Everyone has some. Even you." He thought for a moment. "I want to improve myself, work on myself, but it's not that easy," he began. "And yet so much has already changed in me. You don't see it, because you don't really know me from this side. You don't know what kind of person I used to be. Today everything looks different, I'm different, and I think differently. I approach many things completely differently than I used to. Yes, I've changed, but it's still not what I want to achieve." He looked at her with a calmer gaze, sitting on a mossy boulder.

"And what do you want to achieve?" she asked him curiously, sitting down next to him.

"I'd like to be able to die, but not physically. Mentally. To forget everything I've been taught, to reject what's been instilled in me. I'd like to be born with a pure mind and make my own choices. Not to be burdened by heredity or society. I dream of eternal peace, the kind where nothing and no one can disturb it. That's what nature is like; here in the mountains, I sometimes feel this coexistence, this interplay of everything. Everything has its place here. It's an eternal law of nature, and I'd like to be a part of it." He fell into thought.

"Do you think you'll find your nirvana? Because that's how I perceive it. Something perfect, something that probably doesn't exist? This unique Arcadia?" she asked.

"That's exactly it," he replied. "You have to try to realize your ideals, which sometimes clash with reality, but that's precisely where I see my purpose. To strive for that meaning of life, a life that becomes the specific sacredness of being human.

" "And what do you think being human is? What does it involve?" she asked him, curious.

"Being human?" He pondered for a moment, picking up pebbles from the ground and throwing them in front of him. "See that wandering ant?" He pointed to a worm passing by his shoe. "A poor little thing walks along with a leaf on its back, carrying its burden constantly and constantly pushing forward, obstacles don't matter to it, it has one goal it must fulfill. In the anthill, no one will welcome it with open arms, because it's part of its world. A natural part. And then it will follow the same path again, searching for its next prey. We are no different. It simply is, and it will leave when it's its turn. And it's probably aware of this." It's the same with me, with my being human. My humanity lies precisely in being aware of my life, and that's what I'm constantly striving for." He fell into a deep thought again. "And what are your blue tonsils like?" he asked suddenly. This time she pondered her answer, looking at the mountains that had stood there for centuries, almost unchanged.

"My blue tonsils... it's simply being, without masks, without hypocrisy, or artificially plastered smiles. Being one hundred percent myself, without pretense, artificiality, and without falsehood in any sense. And above all, and this is perhaps the most important thing, not to fake emotions. These are my blue tonsils, banal, and yet they mean something to me. Something very important to me." He looked at her curiously.

"We're actually talking about the same thing, only I put it differently, you know?" He laughed. "Let's move on, my friend, because we still have a long way to go." He smiled at her and suddenly took her hand, surprised by this natural reflex.

They crossed Kozi Wierch, heading for Zadni Granat and Pośredni Granat. From the summit of Zachodni Granat, they were met with more beautiful views, impossible not to admire. Three valleys, Gąsienicowa, Pańszczyca, and Pięciu Stawów, stretched out below. Finally, they reached Kuźnice via the Przełęcz between Kopy and the trail through Boczań. Their journey was over for the day. They returned to the guesthouse by car.

**

"And now I'm going to take a hot shower and sit by the blazing fireplace with a glass of wine in my hand," she said loudly to those seated at the table. "Thank you very much for the delicious dinner. I'll go home now. I'm tired from today's hike; I can't feel my legs!" She laughed.

"You're not used to such exertion," Anna looked at her indulgently. "Well, you guys in the city don't know what's good for you at all, and then when you come here, you're exhausted!" she laughed.

"Well, a dozen or so hours at a desk and then the car—that takes its toll. Walks only on special occasions, and sometimes you don't even feel like doing that, so it's no wonder I'm exhausted after such a hike. Not like you," she said to him. "You're seasoned, you've already hiked many trails, and look, there's no sign of fatigue on your face." She smiled at her friend sitting next to her. He just looked at her with his malicious gaze.

"I agree with Anna," he said. "You're useless, you're not suited for such long routes. I had to belay the more difficult ascents or descents, which slowed our progress," he said maliciously, but with a smile on his face, as he ate his last sandwich. She laughed and nudged him in the side.

"I had to belay you because you were slipping on the rocks in your beautiful shoes, which are no longer suitable for anything!" she laughed at his teasing. "And if it weren't for the chains, you probably would have ended up at the bottom of the cliff!" she finished with a smile. "Oh, okay, I'm going upstairs." She got up from the table and went to her room. He sat at the table with Anna for a moment, wondering what to do.

"I'll go take a shower too. We're going home tomorrow. It's a shame it's so short. I wish I could still hike in the mountains." He pondered.

"You can always come back here; friends of friends are also our friends. Our house is always at your disposal." Anna smiled warmly at him. "

Thanks, I'll probably use that again sometime. Now, will you let me retire to my own place?" he replied with a smile. He went to his room to take a warm bath. And then he thought he didn't really want to be alone all evening. He knocked softly on her door and entered. She was already sitting in an armchair, wrapped in a warm robe, her legs stretched out toward the fireplace, which was emitting a pleasant, warm yellow light. She wore thick socks, as if afraid the warmth of the fireplace wouldn't be enough.

"Come on, sit down," she said, holding out a second glass of wine. "I knew you'd come." She smiled at him. Embarrassed by the whole situation, he sat comfortably in the other armchair. He stared into the warm firelight for a moment, listening to the crackling of the logs. He didn't know what to say. A sudden awkwardness spread between them. He sipped his wine with pleasure.

"It's very delicate," he began.

"It's my favorite, a Californian Chardonnay," she replied. "It has a fruity note that I really like." She finished, glancing at the slightly yellow color of the wine.

"I don't know anything about wine, you know..." he replied quietly.

"What do you know?" she asked with a hint of defiance in her voice.

"Are you seducing me?" he asked suddenly, looking straight into her eyes. She blushed like a teenager, though she had long since stopped being one. She didn't know how to answer such a direct question.

"You didn't answer me," she returned to her question.

"Don't change the subject," he replied. They looked at each other and both suddenly burst out laughing. "We're back to square one—avoiding the answer, aren't we?" he said teasingly.

"And vice versa, my dear!" "She wasn't worse than him.

" "We have to reach some compromise, because this way, we'll never reach an agreement," she said with a slight smile.

"So, who goes first? Me or you?" he suggested.

"You go first," she replied quietly. He stared at the fire burning in the fireplace for a moment. "What are you good at?" "She whispered the last words...

" *

She paused, lost in thought. Matilda looked at her, questions welling up in her mouth, but she gave her friend time to catch her breath. She looked out the window, as if trying to find her memories there.

"And what happened next?" Matilda asked quietly. The warm, pale light from the lamp hanging over the table illuminated her hands.

"There was nothing further, I chickened out and didn't finish. My imagination failed me, and besides, I didn't know if what it was all leading up to should actually happen." For the first time that evening, she smiled at her friend sitting across from her. "I lacked the courage to even write about it."

"But do you think they went to bed together or not?" Matilda asked.

"What do you think? Would you like that to happen?" she replied, looking at her with a smile in her eyes.

"I don't know the ending yet, because surely the whole point is in that ending?" She was surprised.

"The point?" She thought for a moment, trying to think through the question. "I don't know..." she replied quietly

...

She woke up suddenly, terrified by the events of the previous evening. She sat up in bed, wondering what she should do now. Everything had gone wrong! And she felt immense shame for her behavior. However, she breathed a sigh of relief. She got up and began packing. She decided they would go on another short hike today. She got dressed. And when she did, she went to wake him. He was already ready. They went down to breakfast in silence, not speaking to each other, as if ashamed of everything that had happened, or rather, what hadn't happened. They knew, however, that sooner or later they would have to talk about it, but they both postponed that conversation. They also ate breakfast in silence, and even Anna's talkativeness didn't help. With a surprised look, she asked her friend, but received no answer.

"Anna, thank you for everything," she rose from the table and hugged her friend. "I'll call you soon," she smiled warmly at her, hinting that she would tell her everything over the phone. Anna smiled at her.

"Come on, I'll help you pack for the car," was all she said. And when everything was done, they both hugged tightly, got into the car, started it, and slowly drove out of the property, waving to Anna.

"Would you mind if we went on another trail before we leave?" she asked.

"You know I'd love to go. Besides, don't we need to talk?" He glanced at her sideways.

"Yes, we do," she replied, not looking at him.

They pulled up to the parking lot and entered Siwa Glade in silence. They walked in silence, unsure for a moment which of them should start. They entered the Chochołowska Valley, then after three kilometers, walked along a stream. She struggled with her thoughts until she finally started talking.

"I love this trail; it's, like everywhere else, so blissfully quiet and peaceful." And above all, the murmur of the stream. It makes you never want to leave," she said, admiring the views.

"Will you come back here again?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied quietly. "What happened yesterday, or rather what was supposed to happen, probably had the greatest impact on the fact that it will be a long time before I ever come back here." They slowly reached the Chochołowska Clearing, which offered views of the dolomite peaks, Bobrowiec Peak, and Grześ Mountain. Silence fell between them again. They focused on their own thoughts, still unsure how to start a sincere conversation, oblivious to the surrounding nature. They couldn't even look each other in the eye.

"You see, friendship means not doing the stupid things I wanted to do yesterday," she began. "And I know full well that would be a mistake." She looked at him sadly, looking directly into his dark eyes for the first time that day. Embarrassment filled them.

"I didn't mean to, I really didn't want to take advantage of it, although there are situations I make the most of. Friendship isn't love, it's not sex, and you know that," he said, suddenly becoming angry.

"I know, but I wanted to risk it all!" she shouted. "I bet and I lost..." she said quietly, almost in a whisper. "I already know what would have happened if, you know?" She stopped him, forcing him to look into her eyes. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm so stupid!" she shouted, looking at him intensely for a moment, trying to read the expression in his eyes. "Let's go back, it's getting late, and I still have a long way home." Disappointed, she abruptly ended the conversation, heading back. An awkward silence fell between them. They returned the way they had come, not speaking to each other, no longer admiring the scenery. They got into the car in silence. She felt like everything had lost all meaning, and the joy of the trip vanished in the blink of an eye.

After a few hours, they pulled up to his house.

"Is that what your friendship is worth?" she asked, pulling his backpack from the trunk. He looked at her as if to say something, but said nothing.

"Does that mean it's over? Will you never speak to me again?" she asked quietly. "I never wanted it to end this way, but I know it has to. That's the way things are. Or rather, this is the price I had to pay for it..." she said through tears, knowing these were the last few words she would ever speak to him.

"You surely realized it could end this way?" he asked, surprised and still angry.

"It's true, we never promised each other anything, and hope is always foolish, right?" She turned her head away from him.

"Yes, I never promised you anything. You and I are two different worlds. You know that." "He replied quietly. His anger left him. He knew they probably wouldn't see each other again.

"I'm sorry, but I have to go." She turned and got into the car, starting the engine with the last of her strength. He didn't stop her. She drove away.

"This isn't the end, and you know it... You're my blue almonds too..." he whispered as he followed the departing car, a faint smile on his face, as if he'd decided something...

*

"Blue almonds. Everyone has some... they don't exist, yet they're in our heads..." she said quietly, putting aside the last of the written pages. Matylda took her hand.

"Come, let's drink a wine as red as blood and as strong as love, for our sorrows. And then it will only get better..." she gathered her friend, simultaneously pulling a dark bottle of Merlot from the rack.