"I, a teenager

"

"I am truth to myself.

Falsehood and a mystery too.

I am my own father

, my own mother, my own brother,

Satan, I am an evil

angel with a halo (...)"

JAM

It wasn't a standard May day. It was raining. It was gray, unpleasant, but warm. They say May rain is pleasant... perhaps, but certainly not when it rains non-stop for several days in a row.

I won't say it all started that day, because that would be a lie. That wasn't when I reached for my first beer. But that was the day I realized I had a problem.

Like every day after school, my friends and I went to the pub. Today I went alone because Natalia had extra English lessons. I always wondered how she managed. How she found time for everything. And for taking care of the house, her sisters, studying, and socializing. Even for that extra English lesson.

I've never liked carrying an umbrella, which is why I always got wet. Today, my collar was high, and my hair was wet, as if I'd just washed my hair. After wandering for a while in the pouring rain, I reached a bright yellow, single-story building with a green neon sign reading "Revel." My friends were already there. As usual, they'd taken a table in the corner – opposite a large philodendron that almost completely obscured them. I said hello.

"Why am I alone today? We're missing some female company here..." Marek blurted out, swirling his Coke glass with a straw.

"Where's Karolina?" I turned to Rafał, who always went to our meetings with his sister. But she wasn't there today either...

"I don't know... when I left, she wasn't home yet," he replied. "Natalia's English class? "

I nodded.

"Maybe it's better," Filip smiled. "We were waiting for you.

" "Yeah? I see." I pointed to the table, which was usually filled with beer bottles, but today it only held Marek's Coke. He never drank with us.

"Gentlemen... I'll be right back!" Rafał got up from the table and headed to the bar to order a beer. He always ordered because he was older than us. He could always show the bartender his ID if he had any. We also looked older than we actually were... it made our lives much easier.

We chatted for a while about the new single by some local band that had a concert in our town on Sunday. In the market square. Of course, it was immediately obvious that we were all going – Natalia and Karolina too. Then Rafał returned to the table. He didn't sit down, though, but rested his hands on the empty chair where Natalia always sat.

"I have an offer you can't refuse... it'll be a real ride," he smiled mischievously, a strange twinkle in his eye.

"What?" we asked in unison.

"What do you think if I challenge one of you to drink more..."

"I'm out," Marek blurted out immediately. "Have fun without me..."

"Easy," I said. "And who are you going to challenge to a 'duel'?" I sneered.

"Whom... for example, you...

" "Easy," I didn't hesitate for a moment. If I'd known how my life would turn out, I would have definitely gone home right now. "It'll roll"—the perfect word.

A moment later, the waitress brought us seven bottles of beer. One for Filip, and the rest for us. Marek was supposed to keep watch and, if necessary, order more if we asked. Rafał and I both had the hardest heads in the pack. While the rest were already reeling, we were only slightly tipsy.

I drank the first bottle. He did too, but he choked at first. You have to know how to drink skillfully... not greedily, because that's where you might choke.

The second bottle went down smoothly—for me and Rafał.

I drank so greedily that I had trouble catching my breath. A slight buzzing in my head was interrupted by the boys' cheering. The third bottle... then the fourth, which I choked on. Rafał drank more slowly, but he didn't seem to be struggling. I already felt I couldn't drink any more... after all, how many liters of fluids can you drink at once? And bubbles, at that?

I collapsed on the sixth – I think so, because I wasn't quite connecting the dots anymore. I still remembered Rafał's smile and the ringing of my cell phone... then I think I collapsed onto the table. The guys must have had a blast trying to revive me... after all, they were probably scared. I wonder if I won?

"You'll walk home on your own," I heard Marek's voice, as if from beyond the fog.

"Relax..." I replied. He obediently let go of me, but then I felt myself slipping. He grabbed my arm again. Then all I felt was the uneven, loud tapping of the shoes of the two people carrying me by the shoulders.

Then Marek took me to his place, convinced that "I can't go home in this condition." He called my parents and told them I was sleeping over at his place that night. They probably weren't even surprised – they never worried about me.

Marek's house was empty because his parents were temporarily in Germany. I lay down on the bed in the guest room and threw up on his beautiful Persian rug. He cleaned it. In my sleep, all I felt was a huge emptiness in my stomach and the feeling of someone stroking my hand. It was Natalia. She was the one calling my cell phone. She wanted to tell me she'd finished English early and was going to Ravel. She stayed with me for a while, only leaving at 11:00 PM. At least that's what Marek told me later.

Two days later, I recovered. I was only ashamed of the rug. However, it turned out Rafał had won – by two beers.

After that, everything went smoothly. Another competition, more beers, and another puked-up rug. I drank a few bottles too many every day. Things started to go wrong at school… I managed to mess up my entire life for a month. At my own request.

My parents stopped trusting me a long time ago, and my only source of support was alcohol.

Besides, I think that's completely normal. At a certain point in a person's life, everything goes to shit...

One night I was coming back from a party. I was coming back with our whole gang. There was Natalia, Filip, Marek, Karolina, and Rafał with some girl of his, who was dressed like she'd run off to get a pimp.

"Damn, I'm going to have a head full of shit," I muttered to Natalia, who was holding my arm because I was having trouble standing on my own. I grabbed my head because everything was spinning strangely. Natalia stopped, and we fell behind a bit.

"Let's sit down," she pointed to a bench behind some club we were passing.

I didn't say anything in response, but a moment later I was sitting on that bench. I felt like throwing up again—I barely had time to turn around. Purple spots were flashing before my eyes, and my stomach was giving out. When I finally felt completely empty, I saw a group of people next to me.

Two city guards.

My crew.

A dozen or so gawkers.

And Natalia, who, with tears in her eyes, was shouting for everyone to leave.

No one called an ambulance, and the guards stood there laughing mockingly, infuriating me. Dazed, I stood up and punched one in the face. The other punched me back twice as hard. Rafał punched him in the face. Then Filip beat them so hard they couldn't get up again. The crowd dispersed, and Marek and Karolina, who were completely sober, shouted at us.

I didn't understand what was happening, because all I could hear were terrible bangs in my ears – my brain cells must have been bursting. I don't remember what happened next...

We ran. Rafał was carrying his baby in his arms, and Filip and Marek were holding me by the shoulders. Natalia ran with my backpack full of bottles on my back. Karolina had disappeared.

"Hurry up, if they catch us, we'll be screwed!" someone shouted.

Then I heard a horn, a screech, and a scream.

A moment later, I was lying on the asphalt, unable to move.

Natalia was screaming. The car sped away, and the whole gang surrounded me from all sides.

"Natalia! I really didn't mean to! I put those drugs in his beer just for fun... I wanted to see him fool around for nothing. You know how crazy that gets... I DIDN'T KNOW HOW HE WOULD REACT TO THAT!

But she wasn't listening. She was crying and calling my name loudly.

"Idiots! Call an ambulance! God, honey, don't die! Please!

" "But we don't have cell phones with us today!

" "Then run to the pay phone! Or to a house! God help me!"

Filip quickly ran somewhere. Marek and Natalia were trying to straighten me out—the others watched idly.

My beloved laid her head on my bloody breast. Wetting my shirt with pearly tears, she whispered the words of the "Our Father" prayer.

She was always pious...

The ambulance arrived twenty minutes later.

I was already dead.

I drifted off the moment Natalia uttered the words: "And forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us..."

Let's live fast, let's die young, smoking blunts in the stairwell and wetting our throats with alcohol. Let's ignore our parents, let's not listen to what they say. Let's wander the city, greedily gazing at the neighborhood whores. Let's ignore the eyes staring at us, longing to hold our hand...

Despite everything, I wanted to marry Natalia. With her kind, loving heart, blue eyes, and delicate breasts. I loved her completely—all her flaws and virtues. Even the fact that she was so decent. She helped everyone and blamed herself for the fact that there were hungry children in the world.

They say there's no accident in death.

Maybe.

But I can't accept that I'll never see her smile.

My parents will cry. Natalia will probably withdraw into herself and forget how to laugh for a long time. My group will have problems... maybe they'll at least stop drinking – although... everything is for people. Their parents will probably get an unpleasant surprise too...

I think only the driver of the car who hit me will escape unscathed.

Yes – people will suffer because of me...

Death must have confused me with someone else...