A brief scene flashes through my mind. Actually, just one snapshot. But my mind captures it very quickly. This isn't just any ordinary snapshot, the kind the mind processes millions of times a day. This one is very close to my heart. However, this isn't some scene from the distant past, nor the feeling that this has ever happened to you. Rather, it's an image sent from the recesses of your subconscious. Yes, most definitely an image sent from your subconscious. It contains some fragment of truth, the truth about yourself.
The rain lashed us both fiercely. In fact, its true power had already worn off, and now, with the stubbornness of a bull, it drenched us with its small but relentless drops. We stood soaked and chilled. Although our raincoats protected our heads and bodies from soaking, our noses and, in fact, our entire faces were filled with the relentless rain. We wiped our faces repeatedly, trying to momentarily banish the feeling of being submerged, at least in the sea.
"Fonzi, you've chosen the time and place perfectly. Look, this place is practically the end of the world. There's nothing further. Look for yourself," he said, pointing his hand ahead.
I looked. The two-lane road probably ended about a dozen kilometers away in the fog. I couldn't see its end. On either side was the sea, furiously attacking the breakwaters on either side of the road. And in the distance, practically drowned in the fog, was the land I had dreamed of. Full of hills, filled with green vegetation. The weather must have been similar there, or even worse. After all, the further north you go, the more inhospitable the climate becomes.
Silence. That's probably what drew me there. Only in silence could you hear your own voice. In the noise of the big city, it was practically impossible. Your own voice, which allowed you to understand yourself. But always carefully muffled.
"Would you like to go even further?" he looked at my eyes, which were lost in this magnificent vision. "I see in your eyes that only there will you find solace. But tell me, how do you intend to survive there? After just one night, you'll have had enough. You'll long to return. But it won't be as easy as traveling there."
"I know that, but something's pulling me there. I can't name it or define it. Some part of me just wants to be there. You're right, I'm not even thinking about what I'll do next." Just getting there would be a huge payoff for all the effort we'd put in so far. I knew I couldn't count on him; he wouldn't go any further. He might be as crazy as me, but he wasn't suicidal. I was slowly beginning to understand that I wouldn't last long there alone. Dreaming alone wouldn't solve anything. After reaching the site, I'd have to build a shelter quickly; the heavy rainfall in this part of the world is already proverbial. If by some miracle I managed to build a shelter, provided I wasn't attacked by an animal first, there was still the matter of food. I had no idea what would be edible there and what not. Suddenly, it began to dawn on me that I probably wouldn't get to the heart of nature. It was much more powerful. Although people try their best to prove they have control over nature, achieving only partial victories, in reality, when a force attacks a human settlement, they become powerless. And I never wanted to fight; fighting, in fact, has never been my nature. I have always sought something true, something that exists independently of the general course of events. It always remains unshakable and thus gains the strength to endure. Nature was such a thing. It has always fascinated me. My journeys into the forest were frequent. But the thought of human settlements nearby, destroying the few remaining remnants of nature by every means filled me with sadness. I decided to leave the place where I lived and move to a place where nature triumphed in all its glory. But upon arriving here, I suddenly realized that the human individual in contact with nature is so small and fragile. And I could do nothing alone.
Looking around, I noticed that the waves were beginning to attack the roadside with increasing violence. The water was slowly flooding the road, then flowing back into the sea. Everyone was starting to leave the place. A few meters away, I spotted several booths. Like a circus. But I noticed they were just acrobats. No animals or clowns. I watched them. I realized that, unlike the others, they intended to head inland, in the direction I wanted to go.
"See, they're heading inland. If I could join them...
" "How do you see it?" he asked.
"I know. Maybe I'll just approach them and ask. I'll deduce what to do from their answers.
" "Try it. But don't count on me. I'm going back. There are limits. You understand."
"I understand. I understand." I don't understand anything. Was he afraid of nature? By facing it, he would overcome any adversity when he learned to live with it, learned to live with himself. Only unity with it guaranteed our survival. I looked again at the people who were about to head inland. I saw one of them, clearly the leader, directing the remaining people. Supervising. I began to study him. His strong and commanding face was filled with the furrows of life. He had traveled many paths, and this had taught him much. He could now teach others. Everyone listened to him and carried out his commands without question. He was recognized as a leader. I longed to approach him and ask if I, too, could join this traveling troupe. But I was afraid. I didn't quite know how to begin a conversation with him. He was a stranger to me. And because of that, I couldn't gauge his reaction. What if he exploded and started screaming... Fear, he would ruin all my plans.
And suddenly I understood. I wasn't ready for this journey yet. Many things still needed to change within me, many imperfections still remained. This journey required complete determination and a whole person. There was no room for mistakes or errors, as any mistake could result in death. I remembered that if a person desires something and is simultaneously afraid of it, it means they are not yet ready. I decided to use the time before me to develop myself to the point that when the time for this final journey came, I would be ready.
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