Hell is the home and fortress of the mad Lucifer, who currently sits in a small room, stubbornly biting his tongue and smacking his lips, while using deft fingers to create little clay figures. This is a crucial moment in Lucifer's life, when he should absolutely not be disturbed, or worse, knocked on the door to announce bad news.
Knock! Knock! Knock!
"Who intends to perish, scorched by the fires of hell?" Lucifer shouted, exasperated, as one of the little figures had lost one of his hands.
"It is I, my lord. Your most faithful servant, Beelzebub himself. I bring bad news, my lord.
Yes, bad news. Bad news, bad news. And when will there be the good news that lifts the spirits of the most powerful Lord of Hell? Does such news even exist?
" Lucifer sighed and called,
"Come in, you rotten angel!" But hurry, because you know what awaits those who mess around...
A pitch-black devil entered the chamber, holding a trident in one hand and dragging a twenty-meter chain along the ground. He reeked of tar, had red horns on his head, and every now and then glanced back in fear.
"Erm, sir..." he said as gently as he could.
"Yes, Beelzebub, chemical waste?" Lucifer said nervously, as one of the figures refused to form.
"Sir... erm... I think you've already made this figure before... just a little advice, sir, you know how perfect you are in your perfection...
" "Yes, I know," the Ruler replied honestly, looking more closely at the clay figurine. "You say you know him? Hmmm... right. Isn't that Bonaparstek Napaleon, the little man who tried to conquer Europe?
" Beelzebub shifted from foot to foot. He did that when he was very nervous. His Master hated it when he rocked in place like that, because the tar from his fur dripped onto the new carpet made of human skin.
"That was Napoleon Bonaparte, sir. But I know you were only joking about getting his name wrong, after all, you're perfect and flawless. Ahem... and that little man with his hair to the left and a mustache... he was already there too.
" "Yes? Too bad. Because he's my favorite. I named him Adolf.
" "Hmm... sir, personally, I'd advise against using him again. He didn't always listen to you, sir. He could be aggressive sometimes...
" "Yes? That's great! But okay, I'll admit you're right this time and crush those little figures. I don't like repeating my own work."
The faint sound of crushing clay could be heard in the chamber. "
Sir?
" "Yes, Beelzebub, you're leaving God?"
The servant pulled a cell phone from his belt. He handed it to Lucifer.
"This is for you, sir. Call from above.
" "Yeah, I love calls from above. I fix people like crazy, and then they call me and ask what to do. Can't a cop think for themselves for a second?"
"It's a call from Poland, sir. Important. Something's screwed up in the government. It's a call from a politician."
The ruler clutched his head. "Yes, Poland. Everything's clear. If he'd known they'd have such problems, he'd have stopped plastering his genitals. And they kept calling and calling. Sometimes he felt sorry for the people they ruled. He even shed a tear. But he didn't let it show. After all, he was a devil, and devils have to have their own style. They have to build their own image. "
He took the phone from Beelzebub and put it to his ear. "
Excuse me? This is Lucifer, the ruler from hell."
"Mr. Lucifer, this is M., a politician from the S. party. Because we have a damn problem here. Things have gotten a bit messy here, and this one, we have a damn problem here, that lately, the politicians who work with you are starting to rat you out...
" "Me? To rat me out? What do you mean, they're ratting me out?" What's that supposed to mean?
Beelzebub, just in case, hid behind a nearby stool.
"Because, damn it, politician R. has been invoking the First lately. He knows you're the First, that we're supposed to call you that. We have a damn problem here, because journalists and the public are starting to ask who this First is. They even established an investigative committee to look into the matter."
"Investigative committee? Listen, M., blame everything on the president.
" "Yeah, but it won't be that simple. Not everyone believes that..."
The ruler threw his cell phone in front of him. He was burning with anger.
Beelzebub covered himself with his trident and closed his eyes. In a fit of Luciferian anger, one could die at a temperature of a thousand degrees Celsius.
"Poland! What kind of country is this? Everything there is upside down... er... upside down! I'm going up!"
The servant stood up and, with terrified eyes, blocked the exit from the chamber with his trident.
"Sir! Lord of all Hell, greatest ruler of immortality! You cannot go upstairs! Don't do this!
" "Why? I feel like leaving! I will restore order in this Poland personally!
" "But, sir! Last time you left, you accidentally caused the plague in India! And that fire in the Amazon forest when you fell into its midst, burning hot, because the teleporter miscalculated. Sir, I beg you not to go!
" "I will go because I want to and I feel like it! Beelzebub, open the door, or I will break your trident!"
The answer was not long in coming. The servant of the Lord of Hell politely opened the door.
"Please, politely. But please don't forget to quickly extinguish yourself in the teleporter. You are all on fire.
" "I know, Beelzebub, you holy bastard." You'd better focus on getting the plumbers out of the pipes and the workers working in the sewers. Lately, they've been breaking through the vault of Hell. I've lost two valuable chandeliers.
"Yes, sir."
The ruler left and headed for the teleporter.
"I'll give them the First. I'll tell them what they need, and then I'll return quickly."
Beelzebub groaned in horror. He knew full well how this would end.
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