Gloves

 

She sat there, wiping away tears dripping onto her gloves. Her head was spinning, she didn't even know where to go now – this was the first time she'd ever been here! How the hell could she have known where hospitals were in Katowice! Even in Krakow, it was hard to find her way, but here?

But she had to do something; this was why she'd come – despite her parents' prohibitions, lack of money, and a Russian test… She wasn't going to give up just because she couldn't find the address and street on a map…!

She stopped by the station kiosk and pulled out her cell phone to reread the text message with the name of the emergency service.

"Excuse me…" she said to the man sitting on the bench. "You don't know…"

"I don't have time…!" He got offended and walked away, dragging a heavy suitcase behind him.

He wasn't going to talk to strangers! She was sure she wanted money or was handing out leaflets! "Oh yes! His son's marriage fell apart because of something like this. A certain someone approached him on the street, started a conversation, and stayed until the end. And let his parents take care of Magdusia and little Kamil, dear parents! He's young, he needs to let off steam, but he should still maintain some restraint... That Aunt Matylda had to be sick just then... And of course, he, the head of the family, has to go there and take care of her – tissues, tea, dinners, hot water bottles – God's punishment with this flu epidemic... And couldn't his son?! After all, he has such a young, new one; it wouldn't hurt her to be around older people... Just like this one here, all tearful..." He turned, searching for the young girl, but after a moment he gave up and disappeared somewhere in the crowd.

"...and if I ever needed you,

would you be there...?"

The Streets, Too Late

She took a breath and let it out slowly. He couldn't remember any other way to stop crying. Now, after 18 years of life, she realized that she had been, was, and would always be alone. No one would help her unless she forced herself to. No one would notice her unless she drew attention to herself. So why was she here? Why had she even come, going to all this trouble? What had she even hoped for when she got on the train…?!

How many times had she begged him not to travel hungover, sleep-deprived… that he didn't have to rush, especially with icy roads and the bright sun shining directly into his eyes. But of course, he HAD to be wiser! The result was this: after three weeks, their relationship would come to a brutal end. And all because of such stupidity… It didn't really matter what, the important thing was that!

She wiped away a few tears and went into a newsstand to find a map.

"6.50 or you can't unpack it!" the saleswoman snapped unpleasantly. "What am I going to try, since I'm quitting my slavish job for this bastard today anyway. My son got out of prison, my dad got a job... now everything will fall into place. And that bandit... the "investor" of the seven pains, he can take advantage of someone else from tomorrow, not me..."

"Excuse me, could you tell me where Powstańców Street is? Or the other one...

" "Are you feeling unwell? Personally, I would give up on this place; more people die there than are saved," she reached for the map and explained the route.

"Thank you very much," she stammered. "

Please..." the saleswoman sighed. "You can afford a private clinic, and she doesn't even know where to go..."

She walked through the dirty station, went outside, and hailed a taxi. The fastest, though not the cheapest. As she passed each intersection, she remembered everything: they had met at a party. It seemed normal, but in her case, staying in touch after such a start was quite unusual. Especially since they lived in different cities. Especially since he was four years older. Especially since what could a boy like him possibly see in her...?!

He was on his way back from his parents' house. He could have taken a completely different route, he could have bypassed all of Silesia altogether, but he wanted to visit her, even for a moment. Yes. It was all her fault—if it hadn't been for the desire to see each other through Five minutes, maybe it wouldn't have happened... Maybe he wouldn't have had an accident, maybe... No, you can't think like that. You can't even speculate for a second, because it won't do any good anyway.

"Is it something serious?" the taxi driver asked, glancing repeatedly into the mirror.

"I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm scared," she replied quietly.

"Don't worry, I'm sure everything will work out, it has to eventually, right?

" "'Happiness never gives, it only lends,' have you heard of that? I think it came with the bailiff.

" "Family...?

" "Boyfriend," she replied quickly, without thinking. Damn... she shouldn't call him that, they weren't officially together yet... 'yet'? Probably 'never'...

"And how long have you been together... if I may ask, of course?" he persisted. "Because, you know, the closer you are to someone, the more it hurts...

" "We've known each other exactly three weeks. For me, that's long enough to hurt. How much do I pay?"

"Let's assume it's at the company's expense, since the bailiff is already hanging over you." "Poor girl. But what is she doing here if she barely knows him? I don't know if Halinka would come visit me in the hospital after 20 years of marriage, let alone in some emergency room..."

She walked hesitantly through the glass doors, approached some pseudo-reception desk, and timidly glanced through the glass at the nurse.

"What does she want?" the nurse asked rudely, not even bothering to glance at her.

"Apparently, she's lying here..."

"Step aside! Please call Dr. Nowak immediately, severe chest and skull trauma..." Several people ran through the hallway, the door banged open, screams, a lot of blood...

She gripped the railing and tried not to panic. If he'd been lying here three hours ago, they wouldn't bring him back... She wouldn't see any bones sticking out, or internal organs leaking from his abdomen...

"So what did she want?" the nurse repeated the question, completely ignoring the commotion. "Don't let him bother with his name, when they brought him in?

" "I don't know..." "Those are the things you need to know?" "Does

he at least know if he's alive?! God bless you! They don't pay us anything, but they demand it! NO! Does he understand? We don't conduct a census!" Here's a book..." she threw down a large volume of a crumbling notebook, the yellowed pages barely holding together. "...the names of all the patients are in it. Please, let her look, if she's so clever..." With trembling hands, she turned the pages, searching for a familiar name.

"That's him..." she finally pointed. The nurse looked slightly disgusted.

"Oh, well, you should have done it right away." She smiled friendly. "Let him take the stairs to the second floor and there, on the left, room 205." "Such nice parents of the boy. It's a shame he ended up like this. And it's probably some friend, clearly not local. Poor boy. To end up like this. And apparently he was good at… not skiing… on that snowboard… or whatever these young people call it… I think I'll make ground beef for dinner, everyone likes it. And some misericordia, maybe I'll ask Natalia for help, the Andrzejs are supposed to be coming down from upstairs tonight…" "

I'm going crazy in love for you, baby.

I'm going down like a stone in the sea.

Yeah, no one can rescue me."

Sugababes, Too lost in you.

She obediently entered the second floor and saw rows of identical doors. "What am I doing here…?!" No matter how you look at it, it really wasn't clear what she was doing here. You don't visit ordinary friends in the intensive care unit…

At the end of the corridor, she saw three people, a woman and two men. One had his arm around a woman, probably his wife, the other was puffing on a cigarette, looking out the window. Everyone in those green hospital coats... Just like in the movies...

As she passed each door number, she felt her heart leap into her throat. She wasn't used to running away, but now she would give anything to be able to just turn around and leave. She was terrified of hospitals. She'd been there three times, each time just before the person she was visiting died. Hospitals reminded her of the end, the Łódź emergency room, financial scams, and expensive medications not covered by the health insurance. In short, nothing but pleasure.

A man smoking a cigarette was standing on the balcony, she only just noticed. He was just about to throw out his cigarette and turned, looking her in the eye for a moment. She, on the other hand, stopped in front of room 205. She was afraid to go in. Afraid of what she would see beyond the door.

"Kasia...?" she heard her name and, surprised, looked away from the numbers burning into her eyes.

"Yeah..." she replied quietly, slightly hesitantly.

"Marcin, Błażej's brother." He held out his hand in greeting. "What are you doing here?

" "I got a text message from you," she replied simply, as if this obvious piece of information settled the matter.

"But you didn't answer it. It might sound silly, but I was worried about you. I didn't know how you'd taken it...

" "What about Błażej?" She couldn't wait any longer. She had to know.

"He's... stable." He lowered his gaze. "They won't let you in, only your mom could literally go in for a moment."

"Can't we even see him?

" "Not yet. His condition has improved since yesterday, the doctors are optimistic.

" "Yesterday...?!," she blurted out in a barely audible voice. "Why only today...

" "We found out this morning too. Before they cut open the car wreck and found some documents... But they'd already disconnected him from the ventilator, he's breathing on his own...

" "..."already"...?! It was all too complicated. Too difficult. And she was too alone...

" "They say he was really lucky. And I see it now too..." He looked deep into her eyes. "I don't know why you're here, I didn't expect this. No one expected it.

" "It's all my fault..." she burst into tears only now. The tears of a real, defenseless child. "He didn't have to come to me, he didn't have to visit me at all... why did all this happen?! Why did this have to happen to him?!

"It's okay... The worst is behind us. Now let him just wake up...

" "Behind us"? Her eyes, swollen from crying, blurry and filled with hatred, stared at Marcin in disbelief. "The worst will be when he wakes up! Maybe he won't remember anything... maybe he'll never open his eyes at all, and if he does... God, I don't even know what happened to him. I don't know if he has both arms, legs, maybe he's paralyzed? Why aren't you saying anything? The worst will be if he wakes up and blames us for letting him live. That the doctors allowed it, or God... I don't know. The worst will be if this changes him and he's no longer who he was.

" "Do you think so? Possible. But you won't be the one taking care of him anyway, it'll be his parents, me... You'll visit him a few times, you'll talk, but it won't be the same. Never again." There was a moment of awkward silence.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry," Marcin interrupted, standing and running his fingers through his hair as he began pacing the corridor. "I shouldn't tell you this now. But you should know he wasn't driving alone. She was with him. She died instantly.

A bucket of cold water over her head. Darkness before her eyes, some confusion, but it was all somewhere around her, beyond her. "So that's the only reason she's not here. The only reason..." "

Did you hear that?!" the plump nurse whispered to her younger colleague, quietly closing the door. "A real soap opera in our hospital...!

" "What?! Tell me!" They both sat down hurriedly on the couch

. "That guy from 205, you know, a serious car accident..." the nurse nodded. "...he was driving with his ex-girlfriend. She died instantly." she whispered with emotion.

"Jesus... he won't get himself together now...

" "Wait, it's not over. That girl who came here today...

" "...the red scarf...?

" "Exactly!" Well, she's his new girlfriend. They've only known each other for three weeks, but she came here from Krakow for him... All alone, she didn't even know which hospital he was in...

"And what will he do now? He...

" "I don't know, but it's so beautiful! They have a chance at true, great love!

" "Oh yes..." They both stared at the dead ends of the room and fell silent for a moment. "And how do you know about this?

" "I heard them talking to each other, Marysia from downstairs also gave me a hint... Besides, does it matter?"

He tore his gaze away from the pigeons at the bus stop and glanced at the girl sitting opposite. Staring off into space, she only looked at him for a moment. She was strange. But he wouldn't delve into it; it wasn't his problem, after all. "Maybe we should talk? No... definitely busy. Or maybe a cold bitch..." He turned his attention back to the space outside the window. His bus stop. He'd eat dinner soon and go to bed, training tomorrow. He took one last look at the strange girl. Maybe he was imagining things, but he could have sworn he saw tears on her cheeks. Their eyes met. He no longer thought she was cold. She couldn't be if she was crying. He smiled gently. She smiled back. Only somehow sadly.

The tram pulled away.

He went on his way. In the evening, he finally had to find some time for his girlfriend. She was probably waiting for him.

Today I saw a girl in the bookstore. She was browsing books like any other customer. If the title caught her attention, she'd pick up a copy and read the description on the back. Slowly, unhurriedly, she walked halfway around the room. She stopped at Brown's "Angels and Demons." She smiled, looking at the cover. She must have remembered something... It's nice to have memories connected with books. At one point, she looked out the window, put the book down, and walked out without any particular hurry. She boarded a tram that had just arrived. I watched her with interest. Was she listening to something, maybe the radio? Yet she walked around lost in thought, as if something important had happened in her life...

"...And every time I try to fly I fall

without my wings

I feel so small."

Britney Spears, Everytime

She left the hospital when it was really dark. She wanted to get to her bed as quickly as possible. "Why is this happening?" She had many things to think about. First and foremost, whether to go home or stay here. And if she stayed, why exactly? Is it about her feelings, about not being able to live without him, or maybe she wants to take up the challenge his brother has thrown at her… or maybe she's just trying to prove to herself that she can be noble, selfless… No. It all happened too quickly. In two weeks, things would be completely different…! She would definitely have more clarity! Now she's not sure if it makes sense. Because the first question she asked herself was something like, "What would he do in my place…?" She didn't know the answer. "Two weeks, is that really that long?! Couldn't it have waited, if the whole accident was inevitable…?!!!." How could she have known if she'd be able to handle questions about her passenger, about his ex…? Just as she knew this relationship would be difficult… she only thought, no, not that difficult. "Can you even fall in love in winter?" They say not, because love needs more than hurried walks and chapped lips…

It's good that she didn't know everything. She'd probably regret it more.

"They say men are like trams – there's always another one. What if this one was the last one? There are no night trams… I always take the last ones. I like watching the other passengers; each of them has their own story, each of them surely has many stories to tell. I need to get some sleep, I'm going to Katowice tomorrow. Apparently he's regained consciousness. He even asked about me. He doesn't know about the other one yet. Despite everything, I want to be with him then…"

Tears welled up in her eyes; she gently wiped them away, sending a smile to the boy exiting the tram.

"…Put this on my life.

The air that I breathe in, all that I believe in.

I promise I'll give my life

and all of my trust if you were my boyfriend."

Jay-Z & Beyonce, Bonnie & Clyde

If it weren't for that accident, they would have slept together two weeks later. And then... then it hadn't happened yet. I like this bookstore. It's quite cozy. Only sometimes there are too many people milling around. They'd rather go inside and pretend to be interested than freeze at the bus stop. I often warm my hands there myself; I've never liked wearing gloves, I preferred a good helping of sunscreen. Today, I even stumbled upon "Angels and Demons" completely by accident. It immediately reminded me of my summer vacation... Oh my... how much has changed since then...! Contrary to appearances, I don't like it when my wishes come true – the fear of their inconsistency and lack of perfection is sometimes stronger than the joy of their fulfillment. Although this one, big dream, which becomes more real every day, I'd like to see it through to the end. Even if it turns into a nightmare. Because even a nightmare with such a beginning is worth fulfilling.

“…The worst is over now

and we can breathe again

I wanna hold you high,

you steal my pain away

There's so much left to learn,

and no one left to fight

I wanna hold you high

and steal your pain”

Seether&Amy Lee, Broken