A letter to you

I know, I'm not unique. Every woman sometimes, during lonely days or sleepless nights, dreams of the one. Imagining my ideal, I created a kind of photograph that existed only in my head. Later, like a detective tracking down a dangerous bandit based on a wanted poster, I searched for the one destined for me, whose image, fleeting and slightly blurred, lived somewhere deep within me...

I'd often heard that appearances don't matter; it's the inner person that counts. Unfortunately, these are partly empty words, because in reality, first impressions are incredibly important.

My prince had lived within me since my earliest years; I felt him beneath my skin and at the bottom of my heart. The sound of waves of blood flowing through my veins lulled us to sleep... In my dreams, I explored the hard muscles of his chest and flat stomach with my fingertips. The wonderful, suffocating scent of his skin made my head spin. The gaze of his golden eyes pierced me from the very beginning, reaching into my very soul. I also loved the shadows cast by his long lashes. And that flaxen, soft hair and the softness of his neck...

But what attracted me most were his hands, with their long, graceful fingers. I could almost feel him running them over my skin. I liked to dream about them, though... I don't know why. Or maybe I do, but I'm ashamed to admit it? Thinking about them, I imagined him caressing my body, igniting fire and passion in every inch of it. After such fantasies, I felt an almost physical pain, the absence of someone...

What can I say, he was simply perfect... And I don't just mean his appearance. I felt so safe and cozy in his arms. He was the pillar, the foundation of my being. Tender, a little shy, yet incredibly attractive and masculine. And... he loved me... simply... for being there for him, faithful to his image, hugging him, kissing him...

I trusted that one day he would simply knock on my door. I knew I would recognize him immediately. One look in his golden eyes, one snow-white smile, and the velvety sound of his voice will be enough. I'll be head over heels... And I'll probably buy that vacuum cleaner or that kettle from him. It won't matter anymore. Only he will matter...

That's how it was, you were born first in my head, then in my heart, somewhere between the left atrium and the right ventricle, as a mere fantasy. I believed (or maybe I just hoped?) that you would appear someday and... Well, my plans didn't really go any further. I simply wanted you to be there... Now I wonder if it was worth it... Faith, after all, moves mountains... Despite everything, it was good to have you by my side, even if only as a thought...

The floor of the department was particularly hard on me that day; it hadn't been this hard in a long time. I felt a bit like the princess and the pea. My admiration of the mosaic of dried mud was interrupted by the appearance of two black, dusty combat boots in the frame. It's funny, but I already knew... Maybe not so much me, but my heart, which began to beat like crazy. And when I looked up and saw that smile... I was lost! I was lost in the poignant, all-encompassing green of your cat-like eyes, hidden behind the lenses of your glasses. The color gold ceased to have any meaning...

From that moment on, I did everything just to be near you! I went to parties hoping you'd be there too! Even at night, you wouldn't leave me alone. I dreamed... I imagined your slender fingers gliding over my skin, tracing a burning path leading to... It's as if you'd rented a little M1 in my heart. You were always there for me—whether I wanted you to or not... And I guess... No, I definitely didn't intend to evict you, even though you were a bothersome roommate! My soul was constantly writing complaints about the excessively loud beating of my suction-force pump!

For days, the magical and gripping sound of your voice lulled me into a strange state of intoxication, sending my senses into a shiver... Even economics was no longer a burdensome subject. After all, it was the only class we spent together... Sometimes I simply couldn't cope! I daydreamed, and I assure you—it's quite dangerous, especially during Dr. Jeż's lectures. More than one defenseless student has experienced this! You seemed so balanced, so responsible—the complete opposite of me! I didn't plan to fall in love; in fact, I didn't want to! For so many years, I fled from love like the devil from holy water... Of course, I never got my hopes up, how dare I...

And then... Hmm... Then a miracle must have happened, because... you became mine... No, those weren't dreams... Not anymore... You truly belonged to me... For a brief moment, you looked at me like... like a boy unwrapping his dream birthday present... I believed I was special and... only yours! I was given a chance in life... a unique one... my lucky lottery ticket... This wasn't just the spark poets write about! You lit a real fire within me!!! Your tenderness and protectiveness were like balm to a once-wounded heart! I trusted you so much; after all, you promised never to hurt me! How could I not believe it!!!

They say that if someone is unlucky at games, they are lucky in love... I lost... Fate wasn't as lucky as it seemed at first. You left... you packed your love into your backpack and disappeared, forgetting to cover the fire, not considering the possibility of a fire breaking out... Now? It didn't matter anymore... Besides, it's too late; the fire has engulfed my entire body, sadness has stuck to my face like melting plastic...

One more smile... so funny, meant only for me... a kiss that will turn the world upside down... a romantic embrace in the rays of the setting sun on the banks of the Vistula... Is it too much to ask? I really wouldn't want to burn alive...

Only that you don't love me anymore... I'd rather you didn't look at me, and it's not easy for me anyway... I try to avoid you, but you know how difficult it is. You must realize that... I'm counting on time – my old friend. I know its capabilities; it can heal any wound, even the deepest...

Ninety-one days, eighteen hours, two minutes, and fifty-seven seconds have passed... You're gone... I can finally live my own life! Except that without you, my existence means nothing to me... I have entire days to myself, I can do whatever I want... So why do I sleep through the most beautiful moments?! I no longer have to feed on these dietary detritus just to be beautiful... So why do I settle for air... When we were together, I couldn't cuddle with others with impunity... And now... now I no longer feel that need! I search for hope, happiness in each passing day, but... Gosh, it's so hard for her... especially when I miss "someone"... like right now...

I love you even as much as I hate you! Sometimes I see you clinging to her and... it drives me crazy!!! And then, unexpectedly, I realize you have the right! I wanted to know your every thought, see your every dream! I loved lying in your arms... like a homeless person who had finally found a home, safety... Well, there are no more days, only nights left... Unfortunately, even they are sleepless... You know, I'm a little afraid... I don't know if anyone will want to put together the puzzle you made of my heart... It's a shame you shattered it into a million pieces...