One smile

Tomek (7-01-2005 17:34)

When are you going to show up at a party? I haven't seen you in a few months...

Me (07-01-2005 17:35)

Soon... As soon as I manage to convince this prima donna of mine to go out.

Tomek (7-01-2005 17:37)

So you can't go out on your own, do you have to drag him everywhere? Stand your ground like you always did.

Me (7-01-2005 17:37)

I know, but...

Tomek (7-01-2005 17:39)

There are no buts. I thought you were in charge in this relationship. Where did that girl who knows everything and rules everything go? And where are your rules, Cosmo?

Me (7-01-2005 17:40)

I don't read Cosmo anymore, and the rules... You don't know him. It's not that easy to stand your ground.

Tomek (7-01-2005 17:41)

Never mind. Anyway, I want to see you next week for my birthday, and I won't take no for an answer!

Me (7-01-2005 17:43)

Fine. I'll see what I can do. But I'm not promising anything! I'll try to get him to the party. Just don't mention in front of him that we talked about it earlier. I don't want him to get mad at me again.

Tomek (7-01-2005 17:44)

Why should he be mad? Because we talked on Messenger for a few minutes?

Me (7-01-2005 17:46)

He gets mad about everything. Especially about other guys, so please don't mention that we talked. I don't want to have any more arguments...

***

"Hi, honey?" She walked over and kissed the tall, blond man on the cheek.

The sun was shining, and it was quite warm for January. It was the warmest January in several years, and some of the smokers in front of the university didn't have scarves. The blond man stood with his jacket unbuttoned, puffing on a cigarette, and chatting with the girls about the latest film coming out.

"Don't disturb me," he told her, and without interrupting the conversation, he walked away a few steps.

"Okay. I'll go to the classroom and study," she said.

As she entered, she heard a loud burst of laughter behind her.

***

They were sitting in the tearoom, sipping the teas he had chosen. He talked about their weekend plans, and she sat quietly, her head hanging low.

"We'll go to Rafał's on Saturday. We promised him a long time ago that we would visit, and somehow it hasn't worked out yet. He's invited us again, so it's not polite to refuse. I guess we won't see each other on Sunday. We'll have to rest," he said, constantly looking around the place, searching for pretty girls.

"Maybe. We visited him in November, it was really nice," she replied with considerable enthusiasm.

"Stop pretending to be happy," he looked at her impatiently. "You don't have to lie to me and pretend. I'm not one of your friends, and I'm not falling for your lies anymore."

"I'm really happy," she looked at him incredulously. "Do you have to keep assuming I'm trying to deceive you?

" "Or maybe I'm not? You're so nice and agree to everything so I'll agree to go to some party too?" He stared at her intently.

"That's not true! Although you have to admit we haven't been anywhere in ages," she said, almost pleadingly.

"I knew you'd be leading up to this," he said angrily. "So who are you going to meet this time?

" "I didn't make a date. We got an invitation to Tomek's birthday party. I haven't seen him in ages, and I used to see him about once a week." She began to speak faster and faster. "Nothing will happen if we go somewhere for an hour or two."

"You sound like I don't know you," he said ironically. "You'll probably just be looking for the time when I'm not looking so you can cozy up to your friends.

" "You clearly don't know me at all if you're saying things like that. It's usually a birthday party." We'll go, I'll give you a present, have a beer, and go home. Is that so bad? She asked him uncertainly.

"Sure. Let's do it your way! You always decide everything, so why did you even ask my opinion?" He spoke with growing anger.

"I'm asking your opinion. If you don't want to go, we won't go. Just tell me what you want," she said impatiently.

"It doesn't matter what I say, because you've already decided. If I say no, it'll turn out I'm hurting the poor innocent," he grimaced as he spoke.

He quickly tipped his mug. He stood up and started dressing, not even looking at her.

"I think we'll skip the next visit today." Bye.

He left the restaurant, leaving her alone at the table. She tried to hold back the tears that were starting to well up in her eyes. Thoughts of ruining everything again raced through her mind. Even on her birthday, she couldn't keep him by her side for more than an hour. All her attempts to provide entertainment other than a movie on TV ended in the same argument as every day.

She finished her tea, paid for both, and, head down, headed for the bus stop. She's once again unsure what to do with herself for the rest of the day. It's a sunny day, and she'd like to go to the park, or at least meet up with friends for a beer. But she won't. She knows it could spark another argument. She goes home and sits in front of the TV. This is the only entertainment she can afford if she wants to keep him around for a few more days.

***

"What did you do all day yesterday? Knowing you, you went straight to some redneck to complain on his shoulder—new accusations are constantly being thrown at him.

" "For your information, I spent yesterday watching TV."

"Sure. Who are you trying to fool? I called you yesterday, and no one answered."

"It was so warm that I didn't feel like spending so many hours indoors. I called Agnieszka and we went to the park for ice cream," she explained, stressed. She wondered if he would believe her or if he would bombard her with absurd accusations again.

"Fine," he said dismissively.

"That's right," she said in a low voice. She lacked the strength to defend herself. "Are you calling for something specific?

" "I wanted to come see you, but you probably already have plans."

"Of course I don't have any plans. I was waiting for a call from you or something because I'd like to see you and..." she paused, waiting for his reaction.

"And again, 'I want to.' Can't you speak in any other way than in a commanding manner?"

"But that was a request. I'm not ordering you around," she began to defend herself desperately.

"I lost the will to come see you. Since you're in your crazy mood again," he growled angrily and hung up the phone.

She looked sadly at the receiver in her hand. She slowly put it down and looked into the distance. It was going to be another boring day. For a moment, she considered going to a barbecue at the allotment with her parents, but quickly dismissed the idea. He could arrive at any moment, or call. She couldn't risk not finding her at home. She preferred to avoid another argument.

***

She rode the tram to the university. She didn't look around, afraid of running into friends she'd have to talk to. Every time such a chance encounter brought a smile to her face, at the university she'd get a cold shower of anger and disbelief from him. She wanted to be fair to him and always told the truth. No matter how much the truth would hurt her later. Her friend's voice snapped her out of her thoughts.

"Hi! How are you doing? Are you still with that gendarme?" Ola's face lit up with a smile.

"Hi! Don't talk about him like that. He doesn't like you anymore, so it's best not to make things worse," she said, slightly stressed.

"Don't panic." He's not here." She looked around with a laugh and continued her series of questions. "Will you be at Tomek's birthday party? Will you go shopping with me on Saturday?

" "Yes, I'm going to Tomek's.

" "Are you kidding?" Olka looked at her in disbelief. "With him?

" "Practically, yes, but I still need to convince him a little. You know how it is with him, it's a bit difficult." And she started laughing.

"A little? That's an understatement. Did he threaten to break up with you again?

" "Sure. He's told me about it every two days, on average. But he hasn't followed through on his threat yet," she began to speak in an increasingly quiet voice.

"Then break up with him and there will be peace. You'll finally be able to be yourself," Ola said seriously.

"I am myself. Remember, in a relationship, sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the other person," she said with an uncertain expression.

"You don't believe what you're saying. He's using you, and you don't see it," Ola said pityingly. "But I know I can't change that. You have to grow up. Now I'm off, because this is my stop. See you at the party. Bye.

" "Bye," she managed to shout to Ola's back.

***

She walked slowly to the university. She was formulating a plan in her head to convince him to the party. She so desperately wanted to see the people who had been there for her for the past three years, in both her happy and sad moments. With many people she drank her first beer, and with others she went camping for the first time. So many memories, and so many months without even a word to them. She left many calls unanswered. Too many. But she cared deeply for him and accepted these inconveniences. She believed in their happiness together. She believed for the both of them.

She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't notice Piotrek, a friend from her group from college, catching up with her.

"How are you, dear lady?" he asked with a laugh.

"Hi! I haven't seen you," she smiled brightly at him, forgetting her worries for a moment. "And my health is good. That's why I'm walking in the park instead of crowding the bus.

" "Walks like that are good for your circulation. You can take a deep breath before settling back into a stuffy classroom.

" "Especially since you're inhaling exhaust fumes. At least they'll help you fall asleep faster during boring lectures," she laughed loudly, accompanied by Piotrek's laughter.

"That's true. It's a good thing we only have two lectures today and we can go home.

" "Are you going home this weekend?" she asked curiously.

Before he could answer, her boyfriend appeared beside them. He had a scowl on his face, but he offered Piotrek his hand anyway. He looked at her indifferently and began talking to Piotrek about the upcoming kindergarten exam. He ignored her the entire way, didn't say a word, didn't take her hand. She walked beside him. All the joy vanished from her in a flash.

***

"I only have to let you out of my sight for a second and you're already hitting on people," he practically shouted at her as they waited for the bus after class.

"I wasn't hitting on anyone. I was walking alone in the park, and Piotrek caught up with me. What was I supposed to tell him to leave?" She glared at him.

"Don't act so innocent. He probably wouldn't have approached me on his own. You had to encourage him," he insisted.

"You're right! I made an appointment with him earlier to secretly talk about the lectures," she said ironically.

"And once again, we have a perfect example of your unhealthy personality. Thinking about you makes me want to puke," he said with disgust.

She turned her back to him. She remained silent, as the tears gathering in her eyes prevented her from gathering her thoughts. She tried to regain composure and think of a response that would calm him down. She couldn't. So she stood there, waiting for the next blow.

"As usual, when he was around you, you grinned at him like some stupid idiot," he scolded her. "You never smile like that at me.

" "I do! Only you don't see it," she replied angrily. "You're always running to the girls to tell them stories, and when I ask you something, you snap at me.

" "Because there's no other way to talk to you. See for yourself how I feel when you talk to me like that.

" "I don't talk to you like that," she said through tears she couldn't hold back any longer. "You're the only one who matters to me. I gave up all my friends because you don't like them, but I can't give up on the people in my group.

" "Those are just excuses," he said, offended.

She stared at him in disbelief. He accused her of trying to lie again, only this time with different words. Once again, she came across as a terrible hag who needed to be put in her place. They stood there in silence until the bus arrived. When they boarded, she tried to take his hand, but he slapped her away. Once again, she didn't deserve his tenderness and attention.

***

Tomek's birthday. After many arguments and accusations that she was trying to henpeck him, he gave in to her pleas. He arrived angry at the world and carefully watched what she did, who she spoke to, whether she smiled. He didn't speak to anyone, while the others gave up after a few attempts. He stood at the table like a statue, counting the few minutes until they left. She tried to talk to everyone, but kept people at a distance. She didn't discuss any personal matters, only general matters about school, health, and vacation plans. Suddenly, Kamil, her friend from years ago, approached the table. They had always helped each other in difficult moments with their partners. They consulted with each other, helping each other find a way out. She wanted to approach him and hug him, but stopped mid-step. Kamil saw her too. He approached and tried to hug her. She pushed him away and looked fearfully at her boyfriend, who, after that scene, started to leave. She didn't even say goodbye to anyone, just ran after him. She knew another argument awaited her and already began to prepare arguments in her defense. Behind her, people looked at each other with pity. They couldn't help it. She had chosen this path for herself and followed it resolutely.