Night... another night

A train passes. Far, far away. The air is almost crystal clear, and that's why its voice carries for miles. It's probably an express train... or maybe an express. More like an express...

When was the last time I rode a train? I don't remember, it was so long ago. Besides, it wasn't that long ago in my life. I was going to a sanatorium. But that was back then, back when I was still able to move around relatively freely. Now I hardly manage to go beyond my own backyard, let alone on a long journey. It's a shame, those were wonderful weeks. And now, in return for those journeys, I've gained something else. God, so much time has passed. Time... what is it anyway? I used to wonder about it, but it always seemed to me that contemplation isn't my calling. Time compared to God's omnipotence... what is it? If God is omnipotent, then time is no obstacle to Him. But what if there were no time again? They say God is omnipotent and, what's more, infinitely wise. If God is truly like this... which is highly probable, by the way... then time is irrelevant. Because if I were wise, very wise, I would become a politician. If I were able to predict the effects of my actions by even a five percent accuracy, I would be an oracle for this entire crowd. After all, if people were able to predict even a fraction of what would happen to them as a result of their simplest decisions... where would they be now? Therefore, if I were infinitely wise, I would be able to predict all the effects, of all actions, both mine and those of each individual. If I were omnipotent, I would direct all matters so that they would end as best as possible. In this way, time has no significance for God, and yet, beyond that, God is eternal...

Therefore, time does not exist, and we humans are eternal. Because what does it matter whether it's a second, a month, a year, a hundred or a million years, if there is no time?

Sigh. I'm consumed with nonsense. Think about what touches life, not what denies it. Karol, what has your life been like? Are you aware of it? Do you realize you've lived for almost a hundred years? What have you done in the ninety years since you were born?

You were born in almost the same place where you would die. You hadn't seen much of your life. Hard work was the essence of your existence. You had little time for other things. First, you worked for your parents to have something to eat. Those were hard times, when they counted every egg you ate, every cup of milk. How terrible it was then, when Soviet tanks passed nearby, when Ukrainians approached your house. Then communism and industrialization. Your first factory job, your wife, your first children. The grind continued. Children had to be clothed, sent to school, and saved for an apartment. Once again, you weren't working for yourself; you were working for an ideal, for a better tomorrow. You fought so that your children would have a better life than you had. How painful it was to hear from their lips that we were poor. How painful it was for you when your son's friends called you a village boor. Again, there were difficult days ahead. Your son went to college and suddenly started thinking you were a fool, as if you didn't know what the world was. But you knew it well; you're neither a boor nor a fool. You survived it and lived better than he did with his rotten knowledge. Schools don't teach what the world stands on. And the world stands on faith.

Do you know anything certain on this earth? Only that you exist and that you're aware of it. The rest is mere conjecture. There is only faith, more or less certain, but it's only faith. Or perhaps even faith. The first, fundamental one is faith in the existence of God. Without him, there is no second-order faith: faith in the existence of the world. Great, beautiful, multifaceted, incomprehensible, like God himself. Then there is faith in the existence of oneself in this world. And yet you found yourself in this world from somewhere, so you must believe in other people. Everything that surrounds them, everything that man has created, must also exist, and in this we must believe it exists. The rest is nuance. And these nuances are what man deals with. Sometimes he is uncritical; sometimes, God forgive him, proud; Sometimes only stupid, or worse, indifferent. And you, on the other hand, are probably neither of them anymore. Although the sin of pride still manifests itself. You are still proud. You once thought you were wise because you were young and knew what you were doing and for whom, then you compared yourself to your son, and now you think you are wise because you are old, yet you are still nothing in the sight of God. But what have you done to deserve such a high opinion?

I have lived my life consciously.

I know I was born for a reason. I was born to give back to God what I received. It's like a loan; you receive the body for the soul. You have to return the body, but the soul remains with you. And it can be either a treasure or an unpaid debt. What is mine? I will soon find out.

Old man! Give back what is not yours! I can already hear the voice of death.

God, I have sinned. You know what I have done in life. You know it wasn't always beautiful, and it certainly wasn't holy. After all, I killed, raped, and robbed. I drank, and I beat more than one of my brothers. You, God, know this, and you know that I regret my actions. I have been pulled out of the rut of life by Your help more than once. But God, it was so long ago... so long ago that I almost don't remember it all. For what is sin? God, You gave us free will, but nothing can hide from Your wisdom. Our will is, after all, inscribed in Your plans. So what kind of will do we have? How, God, is it possible that the chaos that is the human mind is inscribed in Your plans? How is it that chaos is an element of destiny? God, at what point does our will still exist, and when does it no longer exist? Can nothing surprise You? But do we, as humans, have this power? How great would we be if we could outwit the One and Only God Himself! So, God, how is this? I don't believe in human power, therefore... I don't believe in freedom. If You are God, then there is no freedom!

God, I have sinned! Freedom exists, since You have given us a sliver of it. Freedom can exist, after all. However, You have not entrusted it entirely to our reason. We can only rationally decide on a small part of our freedom. The rest is governed by chaos, our inner chaos.

God, after all, our chaos is Your creation; You created us this way. Thank You, God, for not giving us complete freedom. After all, if we were completely free and could fully decide for ourselves, we would destroy this world, and if You were not with us, everything would have collapsed in my lifetime. And yet we are, and we live.

Man is essentially good, because he was created in Your image, but good people, even wise and strong, refuse to use either wisdom or strength. When evil takes hold of man, even if he is foolish and weak, he will extract wisdom from his foolishness and use it, forcing his weakness only to commit evil. Is this why you created man, so that by remaining good, being wise and strong, he might become powerful, so that he might act for good? That's probably how it is. Therefore, our life consists in acting to do good. Therefore, God, my life has been wasted.

God, I have sinned. I have sinned by omission. God, forgive me!

How terrifying is the prospect of action. How hard it is to even consider that we are called to wisdom, strength, and goodness, possessing only a sliver of freedom, an unskilled mind, and a frail body. How I sin by being aware of this, yet lying in this bed, exhausted, thinking only of falling asleep.

But we're not wicked. After all, we are Your children. How did You solve this problem? My first thought is that You somehow divided us and called us to different missions. Each of us received the plot of land You had planned for us to cultivate. God, did I find the right one? Did I fulfill my tasks well? What portion was I given, and did I bring in the harvest I should have? I don't know, but I managed to fulfill my mission. Was I an unfaithful servant? Perhaps that's why You kept me on this earth for so long, so that I would have more time to learn and correct old mistakes. I understand, but I won't be able to fulfill my obligations. All that remains is for me to apologize and beg for forgiveness.

But God, I thank You for the gift of life. God, I thank You that I could live so long. I may not have seen the world, but I have seen so much. Life held no secrets for me. Having lived so many years, I know what work, suffering, hunger, and poverty are, but I also know what friendship, love, joy, happiness are. I have experienced rest and compassion. I was cared for and cared for. Someone will weep at my grave. God, I did not waste my life. You gave me this body and I used it well. I enriched my soul, perhaps not much and not very noble, but it still met my expectations admirably. My needs are so modest. After all, I only had so few, and at the same time, such imperfect, tools. Today I am happy. Yes, now I know what happiness means. It is a feeling of fulfillment. I know what I was capable of, I know what I lost, but I leave that behind, because if I failed to do it, it means I couldn't do it... after all, I wasn't as smart then as I am today. Therefore, happiness is the realization that I finally did what I could. After all, I didn't mean to do wrong, quite the opposite. My intentions were not evil. And following that intention, I did as much good as I could. Therefore, I can be thankful for my life. Because I did it for the best, though only today did I learn that this wasn't the way to go.

What a strange night. I feel strange. I think I've already said what I had to say, but somehow, maybe differently... somehow so tired. It's late.

Of course, the express... to Krakow... that's how Ania gets home now.

Yes, it's very late, very late...

So I'll know the answers to all my questions today. So I'll meet Him today.