On the margin

Prologue

She opened the door and smiled at me.

"Look, it's not raining anymore. Look! A rainbow!"

She ran out into the golden evening, jumping over puddles and waving her arms.

I couldn't see anyone in the corridor anymore, only the silence resounded eerily, and the school flowers were wilting in the setting sun.

I looked away...

Chapter 1

It was immediately obvious: this wasn't an ordinary middle school. The excessively high standards and university-style learning were already taking their toll. Most students wandered the corridors, books in hand, a ghostly pallor on their foreheads.

It might sound cliché, but only she was different.

I remember the very day she arrived at our middle school. From the start, she didn't fit in, and... maybe that's why she drew so much attention? In any case, I'd never seen anyone quite like her.

She wasn't beautiful, not even pretty—in the conventional sense of the word. If I were to compare her and my friends, it certainly wouldn't be in her favor.

Because she was such an ordinary girl. Nothing special in appearance, really. Rather broad shoulders and a boyish figure. Long, thick, red hair—I'm not sure, but surely that color isn't natural? A piercing gaze from hazel eyes, a few freckles, and glasses perched on a graceful nose completed this strange girl's image.

And I'd never seen her dressed in anything but various shades of green and black, despite the school's explicit policy requiring navy blue uniforms. But in this, as in so many other situations, this creature didn't abide by the rules. Or at least it seemed so.

Strange: I'd known her for a long time, yet I'd never even learned what to call her. I mean, her real name. She presented herself differently each time, and I honestly didn't know which version was true.

And truly, although she didn't possess extraordinary beauty or stunning physical attributes, something made it impossible to take your eyes off her. Perhaps it was her smiling face, full of life and joy? Perhaps the extraordinary energy of existence that seemed to burst her slender frame? Or perhaps... I don't know. I don't know anything anymore.

But I'll never forget that day.

Chapter 2

"Nach der Grundschule kann man wählen: Gymnasium, Realschule und..." A bored German teacher was lecturing an equally reluctant class on the ins and outs of the German school system.

"Und Hauptschule," a cheerful voice suddenly rang out.

I turned quickly and looked at the door.

There she stood.

Smiling from ear to ear, dressed entirely in black, except for an enormous, light green suede hat. She tipped its wide brim slightly, winked at the handsome man in the front row, and cleared her throat.

"Good morning everyone, German, I see? A pleasant subject, really, I won't lie. You're a bit behind when it comes to my old school, which you... excuse me, which I had to leave for reasons beyond my control. But that doesn't matter, that's just it." Seeing the German teacher's eyebrows shoot up, she realized she'd said too much. Nevertheless, she didn't lose her composure and continued cheerfully:

"Well, we were already in the fourth section, quite a bit further up, but our standards weren't low at all, and we had decent teachers. Besides, the school was relatively relaxed, which is practically unheard of... And here, if you'll excuse me, it's somehow stiff. People are loitering in corners, pale and dying. A little exercise would be good! Do you have SKS?"

I watched in admiration as the teacher heroically tried to maintain a straight face, only to collapse into a chair after a few seconds of pointless effort.

"What SKS? At least tell me your name, child? And what grade did you get in German?" "—she asked, then buried her face in her handkerchief.

"Excellent, of course!" the girl stiffened dutifully. "I'm a two-time Olympic winner, and this year I plan to win the show again. I even have a piece of paper somewhere, a certificate, I mean..." she began searching her pockets. "Where is it, well, where... I've lost it a few times, and once it was even stolen from me," she boasted, dumping the entire contents of her cube bag onto the teacher's desk. "Well, it must be here... It must be... Damn, I think I lost it again!" she confessed with heartbreaking sincerity.

The German teacher managed a slightly, half-mildly worried expression.

"I'm sure you'll find it, or they'll give it back to you. Now sit down, whatever your name is...

" "Where should I sit?" she asked.

"And what's your name?" the teacher replied with a question.

"Me? Karolina," the girl said casually, and took the first seat she found.

Right next to me. And that's how it all began.

No, I didn't fall in love with Karolina, if that was her real name. I had no time for school romances at all. I didn't feel the urge either. Why would I? But this girl truly fascinated me. Maybe because she had such a funny hat and talked so much. Because that would free me from any obligation to engage in small talk.

If, of course, she even thought of talking to me. Because I probably wouldn't have had the courage to start a conversation myself.

The German teacher resumed her boring speech about education in German-speaking countries, and all I could do was stare out the window or at Karolina's strange headdress.

Because her face, unfortunately, remained in shadow.

Chapter 3

I didn't dare to speak up even when we were alone in the classroom. The rest of the class poured out into the hallway, and I stayed behind. Karolina too. She sat down on the bench.

I unconsciously reached out towards her green, spring hat.

"It's fantastic, isn't it?" she laughed cheerfully. "When I was very little, my sister took me to the premiere of her play; she performed in this very hat. Later, I got it. Great, right?

" "Aha," I stammered. "I like it too. But you know, maybe you could check in with your teacher to let her know you're here, eh?"

"By the way, I'll introduce myself to her, because I don't think she knows I'm supposed to be in this class... I'm going. I know where," she forestalled my question. "But which one is it?"

"Ask Mączyńska," I said, and breathed a sigh of relief as the green hat and its red-haired owner disappeared behind the door of the German language classroom.

Because although my fascination with Karolina hadn't diminished at all after getting to know her better, a sense of fear had also crept in. I was afraid of the wind of change coming in the form of a slim, quirky fifteen-year-old wearing black, muddy combat boots. In doing so, she broke another school rule: the one about changing shoes. Students wearing dirty shoes was a thorn in our principal's side, and I knew my new friend might get in trouble for it. Meanwhile, I went back to repeating German words, assuming that the bad news wasn't us.

Chapter 4

"And what's your real name, huh?"

"Me? My name is Maciek," I offered her my hand. She responded with a firm grip on her golden-tanned hand.

"I'm Anka, nice to meet you.

" "Anka???" came out faster than I could think.

"Well, Anka," she said, looking surprised by my reaction. "That's a pretty common name, isn't it?"

"Aha," I muttered, and delved back into German, as did Karolina.

I thought I suddenly caught the faint scent of orange.

The sun peeked out from behind the clouds, pale and autumnal, but still. And Karolina, or Anna, if you prefer, exuded a subtle fragrance and, oblivious to my musings about her, continued studying the words in my notebook. Suddenly, she straightened up and shouted,

"Hey, you! There's a mistake.

" "Who are you talking to?" the German teacher asked, turning from the board and looking at my neighbor with a keen interest that was difficult to evoke in her with anything else, not even a flawless recitation of all the irregular verb conjugations.

"I'm talking to you! Look, there's a subordinate order here..." Karolina, aka Ania, stood up and ran to the teacher.

"Aha, indeed. You're right," the latter said in surprise, mechanically correcting the error without making any further comment.

And the girl sat down next to me, and I smelled the orange scent again. The sun had finally revealed its face from behind the rain clouds, playing with rays in her red mane.

Chapter 5

"What's that supposed to be?" the principal screamed, her face turning apoplectic.

"Well, what... Shoes," Karolina replied, her tone not changing even a bit.

"Shoes, shoes..." Mączyńska imitated. "Those aren't school shoes, those are dirty shoes!"

"Because it's muddy outside," Karolina apologized. "And I didn't know we have to change shoes here.

" "That's always good to know!" the teacher stated. "Thank you, principal." "And," she turned to the girl, "what's your name anyway?"

"My name is Maria."

"Maria, what's next? I have to put you in the register. And what kind of report card did you have?

" "Just an ordinary, paper one. Just a moment, I'll show you." And the spectacle of rummaging through numerous pockets and a backpack began again. "

I'll find it soon," she assured her. "Unless I lost it again?... Oh no, it's here!" Maria's face (?) brightened and she pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from the very bottom of the "cube."

"Bitte schööön," she grinned and bowed at the exiting principal and the emerging Mączyńska. "

Well, let's see... Foreign languages, two excellent ones. German and what? Japanese?!

"Yes," Karolina, aka Anna, aka Maria, confirmed. "I signed up for Japanese. I wanted to watch my favorite movies in the original. Horror movies," she smiled happily, straightening the suede on her hair.

"Aha," the teacher sighed. "Miss Maria, hats aren't allowed here."

"Well, too bad. It's a hat," the supposed Miss Maria shrugged. "Do you like Japanese horror movies?"

"I don't know, I haven't had the pleasure of seeing any of them," the teacher replied dryly. "My name is Mączyńska and I'll be teaching you history."

"History?" the girl sounded genuinely worried. "Oh, that's too bad."

"I see, I think you're going to have problems," the teacher remarked. "Only satisfactory in history..."

"Adequate, depending on how you look at it," Karolina interjected. "

Polish, with flying colors," the historian said, unfazed. "Maybe a laureate?"

"And yes. Twice in German, once in Polish, once in chemistry and mathematics."

"Excellent. Besides that, your report card is good, still A's in everything... Four A's.

" "I'd like to mention that I also got A's in physical education," Karolina reminded. "Is there a SKS here?"

"A school sports club? There isn't one. And most likely there won't be. We don't place much emphasis on sports.

" "That's too bad! Sports might liven up this school; some of those... well, slobs are out there. Please remember, a healthy mind in a healthy body!" the red-haired creature instructed. "

Sit down! I've had enough of your wisdom for today." What size are you? Tomorrow we'll order a uniform for you so you don't stand out.

Karolina sighed.

"Thirty-six. But is that necessary?" she moaned desperately.

"Absolutely. Now let's get to class. Open your textbooks to page..."

The girl, strangely enough, was sitting next to me again. She had placed a pair of emerald-framed glasses on her freckled nose, and I, intoxicated by the pleasant scent of orange, wondered what she was really like.

Chapter 6

After eight lessons, I usually went straight home, did my homework, studied for tomorrow, played a little guitar, did some exercise, and fell asleep with my Walkman in my ears. The next day, I woke up sleepless and terribly tired.

And today I had a strange urge to go for a long walk. With Karolina?

When I suggested, in very cautious terms, that we walk home together, she dismissed my suggestion with a short giggle, and then unexpectedly said,

"No, not home. But you can walk me to the swimming pool." It's a nice song, let's chat.

The prospect of light, witty conversation terrified me beyond measure, but as we walked down the long, wet street, I felt no shame or embarrassment. It just happened naturally: she asked a question, I answered, she laughed and shared amusing anecdotes along the way.

"Are you in a hurry?" she asked, stopping suddenly.

Actually, I didn't have time at all. 4:50 p.m., and I still have to—

"No, come on," I heard my own voice, and her reply:

"Maybe you could watch the training?"

I saw a silent plea in her hazel eyes. And—it was a glint, a twinkle—I already knew everything, knowing practically nothing.

After all, this smiling Karolina, constantly pretending to be someone else, losing official documents, and wearing a funny, bright hat—was actually lonely and lost.

And even though I didn't have a single minute, I agreed to watch her swim. I don't know why I did it; maybe out of pity? No, that wasn't it. Karolina was definitely not the kind of person to feel sorry for. Somehow... I felt partly responsible for this tiny girl in the body of an equally tiny girl (relative to me, in reality she was probably quite tall). Or maybe the smell of oranges was intoxicating me?

Chapter 7

While Karolina Anna Maria was changing into her costume, I sat in the stands and tried to learn German. The words and phrases were completely lost on me.

"Why are you learning? You were supposed to watch!" Karolina glared at me reproachfully.

She was dressed in a tight black swimsuit that covered almost her entire body, and she was smearing her face, hands, and feet with an ointment that made her skin shine.

I'd heard of similar cases in the world of this sport: allergies. And since swimming pool water is generally quite heavily saturated with chlorine...

"Hey, Izka! Come on!

" "I'm coming," Karolina shouted back, pulling her cap over her red hair and handing me some ointment. To hold.

And I was no longer surprised that everyone knew her by a different name...

The girl in black approached a young man, probably her coach, and they kissed on the cheeks, embracing warmly. Then he handed her a long list of distances and sat down on a small stool. Karolina jumped into the water. I narrowed my eyes. And in an instant, the most contradictory emotions overwhelmed me. Love and jealousy, admiration and sudden excitement. Everything became one colorful blur, and tears welled up in my eyes. For that brief moment, I felt like the happiest person on earth.

"What's wrong, buddy?" the coach asked. "Are you her friend?

" "A friend," I corrected.

"Ah..." he nodded. "Hey, what are you doing? Are you crying? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing..." I got something in my eye," I lied quickly. "But... she swims so well!"

My words, however, didn't fully capture the beauty of this sophisticated game, this passionate flirtation, yet this innocent fun between siblings on a sunny day. It seemed at times that the pool and Karolina were one, so perfect were her movements.

I was overcome with emotion; the coach must have felt the same, because he cleared his throat and said to me,

"I see it this way, buddy: you get to know a person by their swimming. Look, you... what's your name?

" "Maciek," I replied. "

Look, Maciek—she does it gently and joyfully, because that's who she really is. There—inside. But if you only knew, if you only knew what she's been through... Look now. Look at that distance, two hundred meters of front crawl. Look!" Karolina's coach fell silent suddenly, probably angry with himself, and dug his hands into his pockets.

Indeed, as if in response to this man's words, the girl's demeanor had changed. Now it was full of pain and helpless anger. She kicked the water furiously, throwing her arms out as if she wanted to escape... What, who didn't she want to see again? What had she been through? But the coach had clearly said too much, and I didn't want to question either him or Karolina about it.

Chapter 8

"I'm going home, it's late," the young coach said. "You swim in, one or two, and then go too." "

Okay, see you tomorrow." Karolina waved to the coach and jumped back into the water.

The pool emptied, leaving us alone. Suddenly, I smelled the aroma of orange mixed with the sharp smell of chlorine right next to my face.

"Thank you," she whispered softly.

"No problem," I whispered back, blushing slightly.

"Really?" she asked, and seeing my nod, added, "Now I'll swim those last few meters just for you."

Chapter 9

And so the day passed, weeks passed. I was now a frequent visitor to the pool. Sometimes I'd get in the water, but around Karolina, I was embarrassed by my own clumsiness, even though I'd previously thought I was a good swimmer. So I preferred to watch her, sitting motionless in the stands.

One day I wanted to pick her up from practice, but I went to the pool a little too early. I hummed my favorite song, "Espania," under my breath. "And I sing, and dance, and eat oranges..." Yes, oranges. I was happy to see Karolina again, or everything else. I sat in the corner of the empty stands, so that I couldn't be seen from the water.

Suddenly, amidst the quiet rustling and splashing, I heard a woman's scream:

"You're not going anywhere! Don't you remember what happened then?!"

I remember. I saw one of the figures. A short, stooped figure. A girl, maybe my age. She lowered her head.

"But I want to go there. It's very important to me."

"You'll do whatever you want." Now I saw the other girl as well; she shrugged. The initial shock had passed, and I realized I'd heard one of the voices somewhere before.

"But you should know that I'm against it. You've already been expelled from one school. Because of what happened last year!"

"But it won't happen again, I'm sure..." the girl protested weakly, grabbing the wall with her hand and pressing her cheek against it.

"You're stupider and more naive than I thought," the other girl said contemptuously, ending the conversation definitively. She looked just like her companion. Now she left, slamming the door.

The girl was still standing against the wall, running her slender hand along it. Suddenly, she let out a strangled groan. I jumped down from the bleachers and took a step toward the unfamiliar figure.

"Listen..." I began.

The girl slowly sank to her knees, and that's when I recognized Karolina.

If I'd come here even a moment later and seen the body lying on the floor, I probably would have been terrified. A ghastly pale face, red hair scattered in disarray, twisted limbs.

"Karolina... Karolina! Get up. Come on, come on..." I begged.

I couldn't look into those half-closed eyes any longer.

Suddenly, Karolina's hand tightened on mine. I flinched, and a silent scream escaped my lips.

"Ha, ha, ha! Were you really scared?" she cackled.

"You've got to be kidding... Me? Should I be scared for you???" I scoffed, but in reality, I watched with relief as her face regained its normal golden color, her eyes sparkling with life and health, and her lips laughing joyfully and resonantly. And I honestly don't know what possessed me to disrupt this harmony, why I asked:

"What happened back there? Who were you talking to?"

Karolina swallowed hard.

"That was my sister. She doesn't want me to go with the coach to the Polish Championships because..." Her voice broke. My question wiped all the serenity from her face, leaving only a mask pulled by pain. I regretted ever having thought to speak.

Karolina sniffed.

I put my arm around her and we sat down together on the same starting post. It was a bit cramped, but whatever. Even better – I smelled the familiar scent of oranges.

"You know what, Maciek?... Let's go home."

I don't know what exactly she meant: her sister's apartment, the coach's house in the suburbs, my cluttered room I rented in the cheapest tenement building, or somewhere else? But I nodded; I didn't want to bother her any longer.

"Yes," I nodded. "Let's go home."

Chapter 10

What was I supposed to do? I took her to my cubicle, made some tea, and strummed my guitar.

"You play beautifully," she stated, a fact I knew well. She pushed the fragrant beverage away from her. "I don't drink tea, give me some cold water."

I shook my head. I wasn't going to say anything, but curiosity got the better of me.

"Karolina, what happened back there?"

She looked at me, sighing almost inaudibly.

"You know. My sister won't let me go to that competition. And I'd like to... But I know I'm naive. It'll definitely happen again, and then...

" "Will WHAT happen again?" I almost screamed, and immediately bit my tongue. Karolina pierced me with a hateful look and hissed,

"Do you really want to know?"

I hesitated.

Wouldn't it be better to live in sweet ignorance, talking only about pleasant things? But I had already taken the first fatal step on this path, and I didn't yet know its consequences.

I closed my eyes.

"Yes," I replied, and a strange knot twisted in my stomach.

Chapter 11

"Don't worry. It'll be better next time," the coach whispered comfortingly.

"Aha... I'll try," I smiled, though I felt sad. I couldn't hold back the tears welling up in my eyes any longer. I told the coach I was going to the locker room for a moment. I felt his gaze on me as I quickly fled the water and my failures.

In the women's locker room, finally alone, I could cry out all my regrets and dashed hopes related to the 200-meter freestyle.

I didn't hear my coach enter the locker room. I didn't notice him until he was right next to me.

I don't remember much, Maciek... It was a firm grip on my wrists, forcibly raised above my head. The coach shoved the sleeve of his sweatshirt into my mouth. It was a brief, stinging pain. It was the fumes of alcohol on my face.

Finally, he left. I have no idea how long I lay in a pool of my own vomit and tears. I have no idea who lifted me from the floor and wiped my face. I have no idea why?

But the next day, I went to the pool, sore but with my head held high, as if nothing had happened. And he, too, pretended everything was fine.

Chapter 12

"He raped you..." I repeated over and over, my guitar silent in Karolina's hands. "He raped..."

I felt the pallor on my face give way to a sickly flush, hot, red spots. "

Shut up!" she screamed, throwing the guitar into the corner of the room. She responded with a soft moan of snapping strings and the crack of splintering wood. "You don't understand anything, nothing!"

I reached out, trying to touch her. She flew into a rage. She threw books against the walls, feathers flew from my pillow. Suddenly, she hit me. A cold, strong hand touched her burning cheek. Tears streamed down her red face, and I swallowed my own along with the metallic-tasting blood.

Karolina threw herself on the floor, right next to the remains of the shattered instrument, sobbing, no longer screaming. I took off my shirt and wiped the blood that was constantly flowing from her mouth.

Suddenly, she stood up, grabbed her battered bag, and left. Without a word. I didn't say anything either. Maybe because I didn't know what to do, or maybe because my jaw hurt terribly.

Karolina... You didn't even spare my guitar.

Chapter 13

I didn't see her at school for another three days. It was a rainy, late afternoon.

She was just leaving the office. Rumors quickly spread through the school that Karolina (or whatever her real name was) had been expelled from our elite school for disciplinary reasons. Perhaps it had something to do with that incident? After all, she hadn't finished her previous school either—probably because of that.

She quickly flew out of the school, passing me by the window. Suddenly, something occurred to her. She returned.

Epilogue

She opened the door and smiled at me.

"Look, it's not raining anymore. Look! A rainbow!"

She ran out into the golden evening, jumping over puddles and waving her arms.

I couldn't see anyone in the hallway anymore, only the silence resounded eerily, and the school flowers were wilting in the setting sun.

I looked away...

I wanted to run after her, but I lacked the courage.

I simply stood in the middle school doorway, watching her escape.

She was just crossing the street when I closed my eyes and heard terrible sounds: the screeching of brakes, the sound of a body being crushed, and her loud scream.

I rushed in that direction. I quickly covered the hundred, maybe hundred and fifty meters separating the school from the accident site.

I pressed my ear to her chest. Her heart barely pounded in her battered body.

But to me, Karolina was beautiful as she lay there, dusted with golden sand and illuminated by the setting sun. I touched my lips to her forehead and heard the girl's last words:

"I'll go to the competition... It won't happen again. I'll go. But tomorrow, okay?"

"You'll go. Tomorrow I'll go with you too..." I assured her, and then I had to clench my jaw to keep from crying. She stopped breathing, and her lips hardened into a faint smile.

I didn't dare touch her bloodied body. Especially since the ambulance doctors were already rushing to her side.

I took a few steps back.

I picked up a thin notebook with a worn cover from the ground. I opened it right to the first page. I knew it was hers. And that she would want me to read it.

In her notebook, besides the receipt in my name authorizing the collection of her new guitar, Karolina wrote in green ink:

"Tomorrow we will be truly happy."

And I know those words referred to us.

Words in the margin.