Gray Reality

Prologue

Hi. My name is Adam and I live in a small town called Safaga, North Carolina. I'm 15 years old and I go to a small middle school. Unfortunately, I'm struggling with many problems. Come, let me delve into my secrets....

Chapter I:

A DAMN LIFE

Morning. The loud shriek of my alarm clock wakes me up. Unfortunately, I have to get up for school. I don't want to. Behind the wall, my parents are arguing again. My father just left and slammed the door. It's like this almost every day. I don't call him "Dad" anymore, but "Father." Because I'm only connected to him by blood... but even that, I have some doubts. I try to do all my morning chores quickly and quietly... I don't want to upset my mother even more. I quickly throw on my jacket, grab my bag, and leave the house without saying goodbye. This is how I always start every damn day. On the way to school, I'm thinking about death, and five minutes later I'm at school. In a kennel, just like ours. As soon as I get there, I hear whispers and insulting remarks directed at me. It's like this all the time during breaks. I don't know why... I haven't done anything to them, I don't even know them... it's the same in class... "Faggot..." they say it quietly so the teacher doesn't hear. All of this is directed at me from my "friends." Teachers also treat me differently... Cold... they're never on my side. It's all because I'm simply different from everyone else. In first grade, first semester, it was different... I was liked... I had friends... Until I told it. Of course, secretly to my friend. Here's one of my secrets that unfortunately came to light: I'm gay... I tried to "cure" it somehow, but to no avail. My friend "accidentally" told Bartek about it. To the third-grade student who talked about it all over the school. Kasia apologized to me many times, and I finally forgave her. She's one of the few who tolerates me for who I am. There are a few other girls in my class who don't mind, and I'm happy because at least I have someone to turn to when things get difficult. After school, Kasia and I go for a smoke... Another thing she's drawn me into. Sometimes I also go for a beer to shake this terrible reality. As soon as I get home, I find my father drunk and angry... I get a slap in the face for... not making my bed. I lock myself in my room and pour out my sorrows in poetry. I have to do my homework and study hard because I have a feeling I'll be questioned the next day. In the evenings, I leave the house and go to the park, 500 meters away. I want to be alone and as far away from home as possible. I spend hours walking dark alleys and thinking... I often cry. Empty Alleys represent my life, my soul. When I get home, I often get hit, but I don't care anymore. I go to bed and dread the next day.

A SAD LIGHT IN THE ABYSS OF LIFE

This time I was awakened by a scream

: "See what you're doing to yourself?! You're an alcoholic!"Fucking Alcoholic!

"Maybe you're better than me?! You're whoring on the street!

" "I'm earning my bread!"

I didn't want to hear it anymore. I turned up the volume and packed my bags for school. I did it as quickly as possible and ran out of the house. The entire way, I had the feeling someone was following me. I checked my route more than once, but no one was there. I reached school and again felt eyes on my back. But that was just the beginning. During recess, things got worse... They surrounded me - four older guys. I didn't know what they were up to, but after their first words, everything was clear.

"You faggot, why are you hanging around here? Are you looking for someone to piss you off?" hahahhahaha

They laughed in panic. I quickly turned around and tried to run away... In vain... Their laughter still rang in my ears. They grabbed me by the shoulders and threw me into a garbage can. I knew the whole school was laughing. I gathered myself and left, covered in dirt. My head was bursting with laughter. Finally, I burst out...

"What do you want from me?! I don't care what you think of me!! Just leave me alone!"

The courtyard fell silent... I turned on my heel and ran in the opposite direction. I hid behind the school, the place where I always go to smoke. I was sobbing. I didn't think anyone would worry about me... But then again. It was Kasia, my friend. She was walking briskly towards me.

"So what are you doing?"

She smiled. At least she had good intentions.

"I'm doing nothing, I'm just sitting there crying, and you can't see it?"

"Well, you can see it, and that's the point. First they throw you in the trash, and then you shout at the whole school that they should leave you alone. Congratulations, you're doing better and better. Want to smoke?" "Thanks."

I

took a drag and felt all my sorrows vanish into the smoke. Because sometimes it's better to lose your mind than to go crazy.

The long-awaited end of classes finally arrived, and I headed home. With Kasia, of course. I really enjoyed talking to her. Is it just friendship? It's not impossible, I'm not attracted to girls... But is it really? I still had the same feeling of being watched as I had in the morning. I said goodbye to Kasia and headed towards my apartment building. I entered the apartment. My mother's room was locked, and steady sighs and screams emanated from inside.

"She's 'working,'"

I said to myself, and as I locked myself in, I drowned out the sounds of work with loud music.

"Boom, boom, boom."

Something bounced off the window. Someone was throwing pebbles at the window.

"Stop! You'll break my window!

" "Sorry..." I heard a male voice from downstairs. "I rang the bell, but no one answered, and I could hear the music."

It finally hit me

- I'm sorry, I wanted to drown out... I wanted to drown out something - I didn't mean to announce to the whole world that my mom was a whore. - I'll be down in a moment

I was curious what he wanted from me. I stepped outside and saw him clearly. Tall, handsome, brunette with alluring blue eyes.

"Hi, I'm Adam," I blurted out without thinking

. "I know. I'm Maciek, nice to meet you. I've been watching you all day...

" "So it's you! I knew someone was following me. Let's go to the park. We'll talk.

We were going to my park. My lonely place..." We sat down on a bench

. "Okay, tell me

." "So, I've heard about your problems... and how should I put it... about your orientation

." "If you want to make fun of me, drop it

." I knew it didn't sound friendly.

"No! Quite the opposite. I have a similar "problem." I'd like to meet you. Know someone like me."

Those words immediately choked me up. I didn't think I'd meet someone with the same views on sexuality.

We chatted for two hours, strolling through dark alleys. Finally, we reached my apartment building.

"Thanks for the conversation." You've cheered me up," I said and smiled.

"Thank you. I've found someone I can turn to."

After those words, he leaned in and tried to kiss me goodbye, but I suddenly pulled away. I don't know why....

"Sorry, I think it's not time yet."

"Well, see you then," he said and ran into the dark street. I turned around and climbed up to the third floor. I entered the apartment and, surprisingly, found no one. I changed into my pajamas and went to bed. I lay there and thought only about two people. About Kasia and Maciek.

"Maybe not all is lost..."

Chapter III

FIRST ATTEMPT

Valentine's Day. The day I hated. I was always alone. This time it's the same. This year, Valentine's Day is on Saturday. So today. As always, I was in no hurry to get up. I decided not to waste this day just because of a stupid holiday. As soon as I got up, I was gone. I decided to change something. This time I went to the park in the morning. I sat on a bench and watched the birds. So innocent, beautiful, not tainted.

"Adam!" I thought it was in my imagination

. "Adam!" The cry grew louder and louder.

"For God's sake, Adam!" I finally looked around. It was Kasia. She was running slowly towards me.

"Don't say the name.... And there... Hi Kasia." I skipped the sermon and greeted Kasia.

"I see you're spending Valentine's Day alone too

—what? Do you think I'll spend it with someone? You know perfectly well I don't recognize that holiday."

"Of course," Kasia said defiantly. "Come to my place, we'll celebrate Valentine's Day alone." We went to her place. Kasia is a rich girl with a single-family house.

"Aren't your parents here?"

"They went to see my sick Grandma. I have a spare house." I wondered why she didn't go either.

But the thought quickly slipped from my mind. Kasia had prepared a generous amount of vodka, wine, and rum. She turned on some music. And so it began. We poured out our problems, and with each sip, the atmosphere became more relaxed. It was almost midnight. We went outside and gazed at the beautiful sky. Suddenly, Kasia turned to her side and looked at me. I did the same. The alcohol took over. We stared into each other's eyes for a long time. Suddenly, Kasia leaned in, and we began kissing passionately. She slowly pulled off my shirt, and... I blacked out. I woke up in the early morning. I was surprised to find myself almost naked. I had no idea what had happened the night before. I quickly gathered my things and ran home. I didn't know what to do with myself. I guessed what had happened, but my mind was black. I decided to forget everything. I sank into my room, lost in my thoughts. I put my thoughts to paper:

Sitting at home,

I don't bother anyone.

Yet I'm stuck there like a locked slave,

always left out in the family.

When I go outside,

I feel the evil of the world,

how it intertwines with my fate...

They call me the son of nothingness

. They play terrible games with my feelings.

I'm no different. I'm

not to blame for you.

Such is my love.

Not fate.

Although this is too short a summary.

I'll say in conclusion,

I love in a guilty way.

It's so bad, it affects so many people.

I lay there for a few hours and thought about what to do next...

Afternoon came. I decided to go to the park again. I had only one hope: that I wouldn't run into Kasia. Luckily, after walking through the park, I didn't see anyone. I sat down in the meadow. I didn't count how long I sat there. Suddenly, someone grabbed me from behind. It was only Maciek. "

Hi, Adam. I knew I'd meet you here. I haven't seen you in a while."

"Oh yeah... I had a lot on my mind. You know how it is.

" "Yes, of course. I'm not bothering you, am I?"

"No, why would you bother me?" I replied curtly, and we became lost in thought. We talked about various things.

And it happened. I blurted out what I hadn't.

"You have a completely different worldview than Kasia..."

"What Kasia?? Am I missing something?"

"No, I got it all wrong. I didn't mean to say that." That only made matters worse. Maciek sensed I was up to something. And he took it the wrong way.

"You know what? I don't feel like talking. Maybe you're not who I thought you were. Go to that Kasia!" He turned and ran into the darkness.

"Maciek, stop!" But it was too late. I'd lost my friend and support. I had nothing left. I went home. No one was home. I took the pills my father gave me from the cabinet. I swallowed them all. It doesn't hurt... I managed to lie down on the bed and slowly fell asleep...

I woke up in a white room. It was bright. Too bright. I thought it was heaven, but I felt a tube lodged in my throat. I was in the hospital. Grandma was standing over me. The only person who worried about me. My parents were gone. I managed to whisper,

"But he's alive... He's still alive..."

Chapter IV

Time Moves On

Finally, they removed that awful tube from my throat, and after a series of tests, I had to stay for two days for observation. I guess they wanted to make sure I wouldn't do it again. My grandma was still by my side. Finally, I dared to ask.

"Grandma, what was it like after that... you know... and where are my parents?" The second part of the question didn't really require an answer. I didn't care about my parents now. But I looked questioningly into Grandma's eyes.

"So, it was like this. I was washing the stairwells, as always. You know, Adam, it's a thankless job, but you have to make a living... so I washed up and decided to visit you.... I rang the bell for five minutes, but no one answered, and I heard noises... so I went inside. The door was open. And I saw you sprawled on the bed with an empty pill box in my hand. I already knew everything that had happened. I called the ER, and you found yourself here having your stomach pumped and disinfected. Your parents probably haven't noticed your disappearance until now... No wonder... Who did I raise!!?? in my own bosom!! - She burst into tears. I didn't know what to do. I hated seeing anyone cry. I don't know why, but I started crying too and hugged my grandmother. It relieved me and my grandmother. I made a decision... "

Grandma, I'll be staying with you... for now, let's just agree on a month, okay?

" "Well, we don't have to set boundaries. You'll stay as long as you need it," she practically recited. She clearly didn't want me to attempt suicide again. My grandmother lived on the outskirts of town in a small, single-family home. I always wondered how she managed to survive alone... I'd have plenty of time to think.

The first day I actually slept. Silence. No arguments, no shouting, no other noises. Just pure silence. That's what I needed. My grandmother seemed to hear me, and I saw her in the doorway.

"Are you awake yet?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Very well. Get up and get dressed. I'll make you breakfast in a moment. When you're dressed, go downstairs to the kitchen." She said hurriedly and left the room. I got out of bed and dressed in shorts and a T-shirt. It was warm, after all. Grandma was sitting at the kitchen table, spooning milk soup onto my plate.... I'd never eaten anything so good... but then again, I never eat breakfast. My first breakfast in a long time. My first home-cooked breakfast. I kissed Grandma thanking her and ran upstairs. I decided to go out and enjoy my freedom. I dressed carefully as always and set off to explore the neighborhood. I thought about Bartek. It was all "thanks" to his talkativeness. If it weren't for him, I would still be a popular and "normal" boy. I think he's emotionally underdeveloped. He simply doesn't understand that he's seriously hurt others' feelings. All he cares about is having fun and laughing. Even though his jokes aren't funny to many people. I've decided to end this conversation. It's already happened, and no one can change that. Fortunately, I didn't know anyone here, and I wasn't known. I could simply walk down the sunny street without malicious glances. It had been a long time since I'd been around people. I felt completely different. I was no longer Adam the homosexual. I was Adam the Human. A human like everyone else.

Chapter V

AMOR OMNIA VINCIT

I returned, but not home. I ended up in an orphanage. Soon, the first hearing in the case of terminating my parents' parental rights will be held. I'm 15 now, so I'll have to appear and point out all my mistakes to my parents' faces. I won't hesitate. I'm in a room with Ramona. I didn't think anyone could have problems like hers. Her mother got high, and two days later, her father hanged himself in the bathroom. "

I had to cut it off myself," she finished her sentence. A menacing metalhead with black hair and studs covering unsightly, brightly gleaming razor cuts. I was intrigued.

"Where did you get those cuts?" I asked, pointing to her arm. Ramona instinctively covered the scars.

"What's that to you?" she snapped angrily. I thought she'd ended the conversation with that. But I was wrong.

"Haven't you ever wanted to cut yourself? It relieves stress. And don't worry about the pain. You forget about it after a while." She went to the cabinet and pulled out a long, wooden box. She opened it and pulled out a silver object.

"Here, you might need it." With a trembling hand, I took the silver razor blade from Ramona. I slowly turned it over in my hands.

"I see you're interested," she said with a look of triumph on her face. "

It's a strange feeling. Many people suffer because of it, others die, and now I'm holding this in my hand..."

That night I couldn't sleep. I thought about recent events, and on the shelf was a gift from Ramona...

"It'll be okay, Adam," the orphanage's caregiver comforted me as I left in my formal attire. The first hearing was scheduled for today. I didn't know what to think. I reached the courthouse. There were many important people in the hallway. Attorneys. I reached the door of the courtroom where the hearing was to be held. I hesitated.

"Maybe I can sneak out?" "No, I'm going!" I entered the courtroom. My parents were sitting on the right. They didn't look at me. At the front of the courtroom stood an empty bench with four empty stools. I looked around again uncertainly. And I saw her. Kasia. She was sitting in the far-back bench for the "audience." She was waiting for someone. I had a feeling it was me. I walked up to the bench and sat down next to her.

"Hi, Adam. We haven't seen each other for a long time," Kasia said with embarrassment, then fell silent.

"I'm glad to see you too," I replied, smiling. I was about to ask something when a tall guy with spiked hair entered the room. He looked around the room and approached us.

"Hi Kasia," he said, kissing her on the cheek. I froze

. "I'm Jacek, Kasia's boyfriend. Nice to meet you. And you must be Adam, right?

" "Yes." I wanted to run away.

"Are you done talking yet? Come on." He grabbed Kasia's hand, and they left the room together. Kasia just looked at me apologetically for a moment. A tear streaked her face. I was left alone. Once again.

"Please stand up." Four sentzios entered the room...

The hearing ended as quickly as it had begun. I knew nothing about it. My mind was blank. I returned to the center. I acted on instinct. I opened the cabinet and pulled out a razor blade. I started cutting my hand. First, the pain. Terrible. Blood slowly trickled down my forearm. I felt a sudden sense of relief, along with the loss of blood. Because what we feel depends only on us....