THE FUNNIEST FACE IN THE WORLD

Sitting by the envelope, I turned on the television. I did this to get some sleep from the whole situation. The glass screen engulfed my entire being, and in an instant, everything around me ceased to exist. I saw hundreds of colorful images, and suddenly, with the grace of a jet, I flew across the globe, only to freeze in place. In an unspecified location. I existed in this space, on this small patch of land. Fate had cast me as an observer. My task is to introduce you to this situation, which, admittedly, caused quite a stir. Imagine a television. Any kind: black and white, color, large, small, with a remote control, without a remote control, with one program and a whole range. It doesn't matter. The essence of the matter is the message that the television transmits: "The worst-case scenario of clairvoyants and fortune tellers is coming true, the biblical warning is materializing - the great comet of Carmel is approaching the earth. In less than two hours, the impact will occur. Not long ago, it was visible in the sky the size of a pinhead. Today, it has reached the size of a football stadium. The great specter of death hangs over the world. Churches, mosques, synagogues are full of people who in the last moments of their lives are devoting themselves to God...."

You can guess what's happening. Use your imagination and speculate. Let your imagination run wild and imagine the most unexpected scenarios. However, no one can present this to you better than John – an eyewitness, an omniscient narrator, someone who is face-to-face with the event; I am imbued with divine qualities. I will travel to every corner of the world to show you what the end of the world looks like, what the apocalypse looks like, what a farce and a sham this whole event is. We'll start with the White House. Few people know what's really going on there. Let me tell you how it is right now. George Bush sits in a black suit. Under a tie styled after the flag of the capital of world capitalism – the United States. The same flag, in the form of a small gold pin, adorns his cuff. On his head rests a cowboy hat with an open ring. You're probably thinking his expression is full of fear and terror. On the contrary, he's laughing, and his rosy cheeks and the glass of whiskey in his hand indicate the exceptional humor of this exemplary Republican. You'll probably be surprised when I tell you that the president isn't sitting alone... In his office are people who, under normal circumstances, would be shot dead at the border. But since the circumstances are exceptional, I can tell you that Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are gracing him with their presence... The Afghan is dressed in a military uniform, just like the one we used to see him in on AL-Jazeera television. His skull is tied with a cravat. Saddam is dressed in a suit the color of the Iranian desert and has characteristic lennon eyes. The only thing that distinguishes our threesome at this moment is the drink they're consuming. The Arab is drinking Coca-Cola! And the Iraqi is enjoying a Sprite mixed with Crystal Bacardi. Many will wonder why this is happening. Well, since there's no one left to kill and nothing left to fight for, what else is left but to enjoy drinks in a friendly atmosphere with a truly gentlemanly gesture. I can hear reggae music in the background, which gives the situation a spontaneous, almost comical character. And so the card kings sit, laughing and chatting. Just a week ago, they were hovering over red buttons, and now a comet will take care of everything. Did they only realize in the face of annihilation that the slaughter of millions of innocent, unwitting, lost people made no sense? Well, perhaps only the presence of each of these innocent people at the death could change the psyche of our white-headed people. Until now, these were statistics jumping on monitors like kangaroos in Australia, which will also be gone in two hours. "One learns from one's mistakes," as the wise proverb goes. But it was of no consequence. We learned nothing. Each mistake was covered up by the next. World War I, then World War II... and what determined the first and the second? The number of dead bodies bathed in blood,Innocent lives perishing most often because of the animalistic fury of soldiers? What are these wars, these wars, all over the globe now? Isn't this a world war? After all, hectoliters of blood are spilled every day across the globe. Because this one believes in this one, because this one wants to live here and not there, because that one has a different skin color, because that one has oil. Stupid children with guns, psychopaths with fallen charisma avenging their childhood insecurities. World War Eighteen Hundred, my dears, not World War I or II. But why dwell on spilled milk? After all, in two hours I will witness the impact! Let us now leave the walls of the White House to see what is happening on the streets of cities, metropolises. What could I expect but anarchy and devastation? All the prisoners have been released... let them die in freedom, because what do they care? They've captured the women, raped them in the street in front of everyone. Young teenage virgins have taken to the streets, looking for a chance to try that magical-sounding "SEX"... Kowalski went down to Nowak to tell him that his wife had been arousing him for 24 years, ever since they became neighbors. He retorted with the same thing... With the children... brazenly... animalistic... all conventions, boundaries, and bonds no longer matter. There are no families, no status in society, no society... There is only chaos. The world has returned to the beginning, even though it's already over. Santa Claus descended from Lapland and solemnly announced to all the parents that he is real. To prove it, he flew across the world in his sleigh and handed out billions of purple packages. The children, as it turned out, were right, and it was the parents who now had a huge lump in their face. Jurek Owsiak publicly admitted that the Great Orchestra was a complete sham, and that in reality, most of the money went on alcohol and partying. Hitler turned up in the Canary Islands, and he turned out to be a true Jew. He said the whole war was a mistake. While shaving in the bathroom that morning, he cut himself with a razor, which, to make matters worse, was Polish. The Fuhrer cursed viciously: "Fucking Polish junk," and his right-hand man, Rudolf Hess, sitting next to him in the office, heard: "Fuck Poland, Hess," and that's how it all began. In our country, Lepper betrayed his noble origins, and Lew Rywin is a Tiger. All politicians examined themselves and admitted that they were ripping taxpayers' pockets like Messerschmitts ripped the Red Army. Yasser Arafat said he was of African American descent, and the rest is a long story... as long as spaghetti, which wasn't created in Italy, but in Płock, when the record for the longest dumpling was broken. It got so long that the entire parade headed south, and once they got stuck in Italy, no one wanted to return. And since they were hungry, they fried it up with meat and tomatoes. Nelson Mandela was white, Ian Stuart was black. People rob shops, burn down offices, beat up enemies, and others reconcile. Sodom and Gomorrah...But despite all this unpleasantness, I am witnessing something incredible. An event that will probably affect everyone more than that comet. I stand here like a demi-god and see the faces of these people who are raping, who are giving free rein to their animal instincts. I see the confused faces of politicians, farmers, Owsiak, Hitler. I see a man standing in front of a burning store with a huge television in his hands. I see Santa Claus, I see Bush, Saddam, Bin Laden. I see the faces of all these people turned toward the ceiling. I see their expressions as the enormous comet, the bearer of doom, the prophet of the apocalypse, is struck by a second comet, and together they escape into the depths of space. They flee without remorse, into this unfathomable black abyss. Like a couple in love, they leave this crazy world where they will find no happiness. They leave everything bad behind to spend the rest of their lives just the two of them. Only together. Forever. I see these people looking at the sky. Following two little balls. Standing still. I see their faces. I see the funniest face in the world.