Dnodna

Zerostan. Damn, who said that? I read that phrase in Wprost and I really liked it. But I should know who came up with it. I'll have to dig through the snippets; I must have skimmed it somewhere, and I tore out a clipping because I knew I'd use it someday. Winter has no intention of ending. Our problems have dragged on for almost a year now, too. Fortunately, the children are healthy, although there were so many problems with them when they were born.

I think I'm making parenting mistakes with Karolinka. I don't know where. Well, I can guess where. Hmm, lack of time. A complete lack of time. And some reluctance. It's not even depression. Damn! At least having clinically confirmed depression would be an alibi. And so? I have to hold on and deal with everyday life. And I don't want to anymore. I simply don't. And on top of that, TV is crap. The media pumps out garbage, and politicians have no idea how to govern. Everywhere you turn, there's a mess. Just total zerostan. Financial trouble at home. There's no money for anything. Nothing! And obligations? Like the Mariana Trench. I guess – even if I manage to write something worthwhile, I'll publish it myself. I don't know what for. But whatever! I don't even intend to go begging publishers. Although, who knows?! I'm constantly rebuilding myself from broken shells and functioning with admirable optimism and energy. Hmm. So when will this disease return? This disease of struggling with the unconquerable and defeating the invincible? It probably will eventually. Unless I don't live to see it! Damn, I definitely will! Unless I go crazy like several of my friends have in recent weeks. It's not even an epidemic. It's some terrible coincidence. That's probably putting me down even more.

But at least I smell nice. Hmm... Yes. I have some samples hidden away. Damn, we women are so wired. Just a little "tweaking" and my mood improves. Although it would be nice to lose a few pounds.

The internet is saving me. If it weren't for it, I'd feel like a princess locked in a tall tower. At least I'm in touch with my friends every day. I have tons of friends I haven't seen in person, but we have things in common. Children, family. It's okay. What's more, we support each other through our low points.

And thanks to email, I'm in constant contact with friends I don't have time to see in the traditional sense. I have plenty of Agnieszkas and Anias. Agnieszka, a friend from my student days, started a family, has two sons, and leads a happy and organized life. Unlike me, the perpetual wanderer. Our correspondence has livened up a bit lately.

"What's up with you? The kids are beautiful! And the company? I'm doing okay at my new job and everything so far. Even Kacperek is healthy – he hasn't needed steroids for a month now (phew, phew, and knock knock on the painted). Problems at work might start in February/March, because we're having personnel changes. I left the research agency to have some time for life, and so far the idea is working. Things might be different after the changes, so I'm not attached to this place yet. How do you manage your time during the working day (that is, until 4 p.m.)? Maybe one day – if you can – we'll meet somewhere downtown. I work at Powstańców Warszawy Square (behind the Galeria Centrum shopping mall). And if you let me know the day before that you can talk for an hour, I'll plan my workday so we can talk.

Best regards and stay warm!

Aga"

"Agusia,

I'm very glad you spoke a little more broadly ;) I'm glad Kacperek is healthy – I hope until spring, although it's also a difficult time for allergy sufferers, but he's simply growing and probably outgrowing all the baby stuff. I really want to meet with you, we really want to meet with you. I hope we can arrange it in February.

As for the company - Zbyszek is constantly getting it going. We have great hopes that by the end of this month something will be certain :) Either a car (meaning we'll start earning money and paying off debts) or transport... :( (and that would be a disaster! - and I won't even say "out loud" what that would mean, but if you remember various TV dramas...) So we hope we're heading in the right direction.

I really miss normal contact! Sometimes I have time, but unfortunately not enough (unless I smile at Mom) to get to the center to meet and come back. (Such an adventure would probably take me about 4 hours) but maybe... I just have to check it out carefully, because Mom really wants to "please" me during this difficult time, and as if I were to say, If I wanted to go, I wouldn't be sure I was completely comfortable staying with the kids for that long. You know how moms are :) But I'll see what I can do.

As for my company, it's a bit of a freeze – for now. Zbyszek and I are all hands on deck. (Ultimately – to clarify, since we haven't talked in a while – talks with investors fell through, and Zbyszek and I established the company on our own initiative.) We'll feel the upside of this situation later, when we divide the profits ;). For now, it's tough because we're drowning in debt. But I'm not complaining anymore. So, my company is waiting for good times, when we can invest from our company, hire people, etc. Then everything will probably take off. After all, the company will need its own office, and then my company will be comfortable there, have a place to seat people, and start professionally, not between diapers ;)

Besides, I'm also looking forward to leaving the house, even though I'm incredibly fulfilled with the kids (this situation still amazes me). The boys, as you can see, are getting bigger and bigger. They're growing like weeds, and Karolinka is always loving and helpful. Now all three of them are walking and becoming more and more independent (although I can measure the boys' independence primarily by the scale of the destruction they cause ;) ). But all of this makes me happy and uplifts me. If I didn't have these kids and Zbyszek (with whom I can go to the bottom of the barrel if necessary), I would have definitely thrown myself off some nice bridge in Warsaw long ago. But with them by my side, I grit my teeth and wait for my luck to turn.

Kisses, Agusia, and I'm sorry I've been so wordy.

Write to me—it's very important and uplifting to me. Until we meet, I suggest this way of contact ;)

Kisses to your boys and your dear husband, hugs. And hugs and kisses to you too.

Kasia"

I didn't have to wait long for a reply. Literally a few days passed. Days filled with my everyday life between diapers, phone calls, dinners made from nails, etc.

"Kasia,

the photos are beautiful, thank you. I read your email yesterday and I feel like you're very worried about the future (let's call it that enigmatically). I don't blame you at all, everyone -

especially mothers of children - needs a sense of financial security

or at least a sense of relative stability in this regard. Investments

don't help that. You've taken on a life challenge and you're currently in the

most uncertain phase, but that's a natural phase for

such challenges. Everything will surely end well - you're

young, beautiful, educated, determined, and experienced!

I'm not giving you crap here at all. I was recently in a situation where

I thought the ceiling was about to fall. And I couldn't cope. And now it's OK.

The worst-case scenarios (which always seem most likely when

someone with at least an average level

of responsibility thinks about the problem) didn't come true, and Life has shown them they weren't meant

to be. And the kids and Zbyszek are a colossal success, so forget the rest!

Of course, don't invest four hours of your time in meeting me! The kids

will have your house in need of a complete renovation in that time.

No grandma will stop you. Maybe we'll meet up some

weekend in February, the boys can play. And Karolina will find something to do too; surely

she knows how to play boy games? We only play those at my house.

Kisses and stay warm!

Agnieszka."

I can't cope with my own helplessness. I'm taking herbal remedies for my nerves. Surprisingly, it helps! It's a little easier to look forward to the end of the day and answer calls. Although that's the hardest part. Our creditors are getting more and more nervous. The money we borrowed from everywhere is a noose, and we keep hoping we won't dangle from it. We're counting the weeks until the middle of the year. According to my brother-in-law, everything will start to change in July. We have a good horoscope. But I can't use that argument with anyone we owe money to, especially the banks. Then they'd completely despair of getting their money back.

I know what will help me: psychotherapy. Whatever you call it, but if someone is willing to listen to everything that's on my mind, especially things I shouldn't even tell my mother or Zbyszek, that should get me back on track.

I'm racking my brains to figure out who to hire for this difficult task. Although, of course, money would solve everything. Ultimately, the therapist doesn't care what the client tells them. The important thing is to collect the fee at the end of the session, and that's it. Cash. The cycle continues. Dumb.