Yesterday I turned 30 and decided I'd had enough of being young. Therefore, I've decided to be like my grandfather, Józef Inglot. I realize it's a relatively eccentric idea, but then again, it's not as eccentric as the occupation of Iraq, the assassination of the Pope, or even allowing gays to adopt children. So I'll be like my grandfather, it's decided. I'll only bathe on Saturdays, after the newspaper. I'll go to church. I'll garden. I'll always turn on the tap, and if my head gasket blows, I won't buy a new one; I'll just wrap it in some old oakum and cover it with modeling clay. At every name day, birthday, or holiday party, I'll talk about the war. So what if I wasn't there? My grandfather wasn't there either, but he does. I'll wear the same shirt for two weeks. I'll pee in installments. I'll go to bed at nine and get up at five. I'll unplug the radio after I turn it off because who knows if it's drawing power. I'll go for walks in the park and look around carefully to see if anyone's accidentally dropped anything. I'll be rude to my neighbors because they'll annoy me with their political views, their appearance, or whatever. I'll pray every night. A long time. I'll drink a hundred ounces of vodka every day with dinner for my health and to help me sleep. I'll scold my wife about every little thing. It's because she left the light on, or because she's chatting nonsense with the neighbors, or because the gas is too hot under the kettle. I'll wear a dirty handkerchief. I'll read one book every six months so my eyes don't get tired.
And what won't I do? For example, I won't have sex. I won't swear (for the last fucking time). I won't watch movies on TV because I'll find them stupid. I won't laugh unless someone falls, spills soup, or gets their finger caught in the door. I won't listen to music, except for the radio, about two seconds before the news, because why would I turn it on earlier? I won't be interested in sports, because I won't be allowed to get nervous. I won't eat pizza, hamburgers, fries, ketchup, fish, seafood, spaghetti, etc. I won't drink soda. I won't entertain guests, except for name days, birthdays, and holidays. I won't look at women. I won't drive. I won't worry about anything.
Yesterday I turned 18 and I'm an adult. Consequently, I'm allowed to do anything. That's why I've decided to do everything slowly. I'll start eating slowly, because until now I've been eating until my ears were shaking. I'll cross the street slowly—let them honk. I'll masturbate slowly. I'll speak slowly and listen slowly. I'm allowed.
Yesterday I turned 99 and I thought to myself that if I live to see it, I'll be a hundred in a year.
Yesterday I turned six. Next year I'll start school. It'll be fun because I'll finally learn something about the world, learn to read, write, count, etc. I'll make friends with a few friends and we'll be mischievous and play football together. I won't like a few boys and sometimes I'll fight with them over trivial things. At some point, I'll start to notice girls not only as stupid and hostile creatures, but also as somewhat interesting. If I succeed, maybe I'll even accidentally grab one of their breasts, under the pretext of pulling their braids, while they're still growing. I'll think about the history teacher because she'll be the prettiest. I'll be surprised to learn that women bleed every month and don't die. I'll understand the meaning of tautology and pleonasm. I'll smoke cigarettes in the toilet. I'll learn why Russians and Germans are pigs and why the British, French, and Americans don't give a damn about us. I'll spray paint on the walls. I'll fucking swear like a son of a bitch. I'll sleep with a girl. My first time will last about 15 seconds, but I'll tell my friends it was pretty cool, except the girl was a bit sluggish. I'll almost end up in juvenile detention when I cut a lower-class guy's head into a coma and a few zygotes. I'll turn 18 and for a while, I'll be allowed to do whatever I want just because I'm allowed to. I'll barely pass my final exams and go to college so they don't draft me into the army. I'll wear baggy sweaters, grow my hair out, and start wearing glasses, even though my eyesight will be fine. I'll start listening to ambitious music. I'll smoke weed, drink wine, and sleep with random girls. I'll finish Polish studies and work as a teacher, earning, let's agree, not much. I'll get married at 27, but not for love, but because my girlfriend, whom I'm actually planning to dump, gets pregnant. I'll marry out of duty and for peace of mind. I'll be a bad husband. At 30, I'll decide I've had enough of being young and start being like my grandfather. A few years later, my wife will divorce me, and I'll have to pay alimony. I won't see my son. I'll start not giving a damn. Around 40, I'll win the lottery and go to the Canary Islands. It'll be fun, like in the movies. I'll drink a little, but not too much. At 99, I'll think to myself that if I live to be 100 in a year.
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