Tiredness, a lack of false hope, and memories that attack every night.... Life used to be different, simpler, more joyful... You could jump between puddles with your bare feet and dance with the raindrops... and then return to your warm home with a smile on your face, cover yourself with a thick red blanket, and snuggle into its embrace....
The house still stands, and in the closet, on the lowest shelf, lies the same blanket, perhaps a little more faded....
The rain falls as often as before, and the world laughs despite everything.... Only, there's no...
You're not there.
The phone. The sound pierces from within. Another moment. One ring... another... Silence again. So salutary... You can hide in it, isolate yourself from the whole world... You can... You can't. Ridiculous. They say you have to go on living. But how?!
It's so empty all around. Enough! Why does your body have to hurt so damn much when you have to get out of bed, brush your teeth, brush your hair...apply makeup, eyes, lips that sometimes someone will recognize on the street. Why does life hurt so damn much?!
Morning black coffee, a cigarette. Just a moment, fifteen minutes... I'll still have time to grab a piece of paper, a pen, and, as is my daily habit, write down a few words....
"My darling,
the sun shines so beautifully today... and you probably know that... I'm trying to look at the world through your eyes... To see all the colors, the scents you were practically addicted to... Thousands of colors... Sometimes I feel like picking up a brush and, as if driven by instinct, painting over the white space...
Today I smelled your scent on the pillow... It woke me up in the morning... you were everywhere... I sensed you with every particle of my body and soul, with my breath... so intensely... My senses were heightened to their limits... I made love to you today... I caressed you with my thoughts as delicately as possible... I tasted you... I sank into you. I felt delight in every part of my body, it was like a great explosion... of warmth, wild energy, love... Everything started spinning, my heart was beating like crazy, and...
I felt Cold...terrifying, then piercing pain. I thought it was death. I wasn't scared at all; I would have accepted it with my most charming smile, embraced it, and thanked it for coming to free me from this.... But it wasn't death. It was an all-encompassing emptiness.
You're gone.
It's so hard to grasp, to understand. You're present in every dream, every thought, and every wish... So how is it possible that I can feel your presence so palpably, and yet they all claim that you...
I bought violets, they smell so beautiful... I love you. Simply.
I am yours. Forever. For eternity. For eternity."
Another letter you'll probably never read. But I'll collect them all, I can't lose a single word, a single tear, so I can give it all to you when we meet again. You'll have to make it up to me... caress you all day, stroke your hair, kiss you, addict you, and whisper you to sleep...
Work. Home. Life is suddenly a collection of tasks to perform. Like a well-oiled mechanism, a person masters the art of doing everything without pouring a speck of soul into it... Because there's nothing left of soul. It left long ago. It took hope. I'm ungrateful, I know. There's still a child under my heart and a dog... You found him on the street, the little puppy immediately captivated you... all it took was for him to whimper softly and wag his tail at the sight of you, and you fell in love with him instantly. And it didn't matter that he was the ugliest, most flea-ridden mutt, what mattered was that he could be honest, devoted, and faithful.... I remember how you brought him home, tucked him under your sweatshirt, and stood on the doorstep with that funny, guilty look on your face. You always managed to make me laugh until I cried. And then you took the puppy out and, smiling sweetly, handed him to me, saying, "Look how cute he is, even though you knew perfectly well that, if anything, he wasn't exactly handsome."
Oh, how our little one squirms, sometimes kicks... She'll definitely get her personality from you. It's a boy, you know? I forgot to tell you. Your dream has come true. Honey, you're going to have a son...
I loved our walks in the park, how you focused on memorizing every detail of nature and then capturing it on canvas, and your paintings warmed us on every cold, winter evening... Seriously, looking at them made me instantly feel warmer... Even when they turned off our heating... We lay under blankets, dressed in thick sweaters, and you hugged me so tightly, trying to warm me with every part of your body... It was so wonderful, so safe. I felt like I belonged to you, and that nothing would ever change that.
You know, I thought about killing our child. I know, you would hate me. But understand, it would be so much easier.
I could spend all day caring for you... dedicate my whole life to you.
Enough of these thoughts. I have to get myself together. Eat something, do the shopping, I have to be strong. For the baby, for you.
For the rest of my life, I'll never forget that day that changed everything, destroyed my world, made nothing the same. It was already quite late. I was preparing dinner. Your favorite roast with plums. I spent half the day in the kitchen. I wanted everything to be perfect... I bought scented candles and wine, not too sweet, half dry, red, of course. I knew you'd bring me violets like you do every day; I even prepared a vase. And then I waited. First minutes, fifteen minutes, then hours. I don't even know when I fell asleep. In the armchair by the window, watching for your car. Suddenly, the phone woke me from my slumber. I threw myself on the receiver, certain it was you calling. For the rest of my life, I'll never forget that feeling of disappointment when I heard an unfamiliar voice, and the fear... They informed me you'd been in an accident, that you were in a coma...
You know what I first thought? It was so cliché. Like something out of a bad movie. People love each other very much, live happily, but to make things less saccharine, one of them has an accident. Usually a car accident. Because that's the simplest thing. And then he dies.
Except you didn't die...
At first, I didn't believe the doctors. I thought you'd wake up from your coma and we'd live as before. I sat with you in the hospital for hours, holding your hand, and you were so peaceful, like you were having a wonderful dream... God! I was so happy when you opened your eyes! I started screaming with joy and kissing you everywhere, all over your face, your eyes, your lips... And suddenly I realized something was wrong. You didn't recognize me, you didn't recognize the world. You didn't recognize anything. Plant. That's what that nasty, graying doctor, half a head shorter than me, called you. But what does he know? I thought to myself, I'll take you to a private clinic, to the best specialists, and everything will be as before. In the end, the most important thing is that you regained consciousness.
Now I know. He was right. Plant.
Nothing is as it used to be.
Sometimes I see a glimmer of awareness in your eyes. As if you were swimming in deep waters and lost your way back, yet you still search for it... Sometimes you're so close, and then you drift away again... farther and farther... But I will wait for you. Someday, no matter in which world, we will meet again. And we will jump hand in hand between puddles.
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