"Recently, I was returning from the mountains and felt unreal, nonexistent. How could that be? I was in Rabka-Zdrój, and suddenly, crack of dawn, and I'm in Krakow, completely unbelievable, from a different world, from some distant world, like a brutal, cosmic invader disturbing the peaceful lives of the inhabitants of a small, agricultural planet!
And I'm standing in this train corridor and looking out at the world through the window. I see children playing on the tracks, nervous travelers waiting impatiently for their small train, people assigned to their place, home, land, drawn by some mysterious, magical force to their wooden cottage, drinking, working, hanging out laundry!" They're just hanging out in the sun, the sun, the sun,
and I'm there unexpectedly! And even though they don't see me, don't know me,
and I'm so modest and insignificant, I still feel unfair to them! I'm spying on them! And what's more, by my appearance, I'm interfering with their lives! What's more: I'm thinking about them! I'm thinking! I'm caring! I'm worried! I'm wondering why I've met them, what they're doing, what they're doing, where they're going? Where are they going? What do they like, what are they like? Will something bad happen to them? Will that child get hit by a car tomorrow? Has that man paid all his bills? Are they happy? Will my fate intersect with that of one of them? Will their fates somehow intersect? Will they collide like gas particles? Why them, here, in this place, at this time? Can any of this be explained logically? How can it give itself if it cannot?
Arkadiusz paused in his reflections for a moment, having to focus
on his sphincter. After a moment, a quiet, subtle, and sensual splash was heard. Much more relaxed, he returned to his thoughts.
"Coincidence! Coincidence… ah… it's beautiful and terrifying at the same time, that it's a coincidence!
Because chance is obvious and beyond any question! How else can one explain this chaotic movement of people, the complete illogicality of events, the unreality of our existence, and the very randomness of human life? It's all so terribly improbable that in its improbability, solely and exclusively through chance, it becomes entirely possible to exist; only in its illogicality does this randomness begin to be absolutely logical! Yes, yes, yes, chance! Everything is possible! And nothing makes sense! That is, it makes sense because it's part of the randomness that governs our world, but it has no sense in the ordinary, everyday understanding of the concept!"
Suddenly, completely unexpectedly, by some terrible coincidence, out of the blue, uninvited, and without knocking, a thought entered Arek's mind. He laughed:
"Ha, ha, ha! Delicious! Ha, ha, ha! I'm pondering on the toilet! I'm philosophizing while shitting! Ha, ha, ha Delicious! A horse would laugh! But really, what's so strange about that? The fact that pooping in our warped culture is considered something worse, we're ashamed of it, and the mere mention of shit makes us walk away disgusted! How ridiculous, how childish! Didn't Einstein or Miłosz poop? It's a natural thing, common to everyone, one of the conditions that must be met for us to function properly! But we're ashamed of it! It's all because of our strange value system! Why should I eat with a knife and fork when it's more convenient for me to eat with just a fork? Because that's the right thing!? Ha, ha, ha! Great argument!" This is all a matter of social contract! Why should I be bound by something I didn't sign? In Asia, burping is considered normal, or even a compliment to a meal; the ancient Spartans killed sick or disabled infants as unfit for future military service, and long ago, the Malagasy people took the lives of children born on so-called "unfortunate days"—does that mean they were evil? No, no, no! They believed in different moral values, that's all! Everything is relative! Because it can't be absolute, because there is no universal point of reference, no limiting value, no moral speed of light, no worldview absolute zero!
"But doesn't a situation where everything is permitted lead to a lack of any ethical norms, the atrophy of deeper feelings, the burying of all principles, to moral anarchy in the name of human freedom?" he asked himself. "And even if it were, so what? Isn't the individual the most important? Am I not the most important to myself? What do I care about others?" What interest do I have in the whole world if I can't even grasp the essence of my own being? he continued. In such a situation, shouldn't I place myself
at the center of the universe and constantly, without a moment's respite, revolve around my own "self"?
"Perhaps there is some moral imperative that we should be guided by! But what could it be? Religion? Phew! It's too primitive, too childish! I wish it were so, but I can't believe it, no, it's too simple, it's all too fairytale! So what? The struggle for existence? Mhm... it sounds better, it's more scientific, but isn't that too cruel? But how can it be cruel if it's a natural law? And aren't we part of nature? Yes, yes, and yet no, no! And again, even though I recognize the validity of this theory, I can't agree with it; subconsciously I long for something different, something more merciful! Ah...
And again, some abstract concepts! At least in the struggle for existence, everything is clear, simple: my genes must survive, my family and I, I, I, I must survive, and that's it! Is it really that bad? Ah...ah...I don't know...I don't know...
Meanwhile, the man Arek had met on the street continued running. He passed old tenement houses, modern skyscrapers, passed children, passed old people, leaving the entire human world behind. He ran tirelessly for a long time until he reached the forest on the outskirts of the city. He stopped for a moment. He looked around, making sure no one was nearby. When he was satisfied with his observations, he began to undress. He took off his shirt, carefully folded it, and put it in his yellow shopping bag. He did the same with his pants. He did the same with the rest of his clothing. And completely naked, absolutely nude, with only his yellow shopping bag in his hand, he joyfully trotted up a nearby hill. He was terribly happy with his nakedness. With a youthful energy very rare at his age, he ran up that small rise. He smiled. He gazed at the view before him with a somewhat mysterious expression. He was proud
and happy! Suddenly, with a decisive movement, he threw his yellow shopping bag full of clothes into the distance as hard as he could! He was free! He had rid himself of the binding fabrics that obscured his true identity! By announcing his nakedness to the world, he felt truly
and undeniably free! In that moment, he was aware of his moral superiority, his intellectual superiority over almost the entire world! After all, it was he—no one else—standing naked on that forest hill! No one else! Yes, he felt wonderful! He was absolutely joyful! He intoned the ancient song of the Apache Indian warriors and with wild joy performed ritual, unbridled dances. Oh! How wonderfully he did it! As if it were not he, but joy itself, who had arrived and danced! Unfortunately, it didn't last long. Nagus began to feel a terrible sadness. He had no idea where it had come from, only that it had completely overwhelmed him. Sobbing quietly, he walked down the hill with slow, mournful steps, stumbling every now and then, hunched over, clearly tired, obviously old, he began to search for his yellow shopping bag...
Arkadiusz, tirelessly and with obvious pleasure, continued to ponder
on extremely important matters:
"So there are no moral principles? Then why do I despise other people? Because subconsciously I long for some norms of behavior, some force that would bring order."
And she clearly said that this is good and this is bad! But again, isn't this an attack on our freedom? Why should I be guided by externally imposed rules?! I'll create my own rules! Yes, yes, yes, everyone should be like me! Yes, yes, it's obvious! After all, they're the idiots, and I'm this incomparable, noble, and wise man! I, by definition, do good!
Oh...and here I am again! Oh...ah...will I ever be strong enough not to consider myself the best of people?
Funny—I consider myself a wonderful being, and at the same time, I claim to be small and insignificant! And how often do I feel completely powerless! Oh...that's terrible! So, even though subconsciously something's not right, until I find some measure of human value (Holy Mother! How terrible that sounds! Maybe it's goodness, but what is it really?—it's a relative concept, after all!), I have to admit that morality is relative! Unless it's not relative! Ah...ah...I don't know...I don't know anything... Or maybe I should accept that I can't and shouldn't judge many human behaviors! It all depends on the point of reference and on what a given person is guided by in life, in individual moments! Does this mean that everything is a matter of the form in which we are wrapped, packaged, embedded! Ah...ah...that's terrible...that's terrifying...that's awful! Does this mean that we are never truly free? What does it mean to be free anyway? Can one ever be a free person? Ah...ah...how on earth am I supposed to know? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, and yet I feel I must know! That only such knowledge will bring me happiness! Ah...ah...and at the same time, I'm aware that all this is beyond me and that I will never know the answers to this and other questions! Ah...ah...that's terrible...that's terrifying!
Arek stopped his thoughts as he felt the toilet seat he was sitting on painfully digging into his bottom, a sure sign that he needed to end his bowel movement.
He reached for the toilet paper. Unfortunately, this action was unsuccessful, for the simple reason that there was no toilet paper in the bathroom. Arek was sweating. He looked into his camera bag – nothing to wipe himself with. He began a frantic visual search. However, it yielded no result, except that Arkadiusz perspired even more. He panicked.
"Oh… why? Why is this happening to me? Why are you punishing me so terribly, cruel fate? I don't want to! I don't want to die!"
After a moment, he calmed down. He sighed, as only old people who have come to terms with death, a few moments before it, can sigh. He even smiled slightly. The situation was amusing. Here he is – in his opinion a spiritual intellectual searching for the meaning of existence and dealing with the metaphysics of being – stuck in a toilet without toilet paper
And with no prospects of even getting a semblance of it! What a mundane situation, Arkadiusz thought, and how human, how real! If I tell Michał, he'll laugh! But... how can I tell him this when I can't leave?
Arkadiusz was gripped by fear again. How could he? Should he sit here forever, or maybe not dry himself? Oh yuck! Yuck, yuck! Ask someone for toilet paper? But... that would be an embarrassment! Oh... I'm so delicious! Not long ago I mentioned something about shame, that it's a normal thing and all that, and now I'm afraid to ask for support in an ordinary, human situation! There's no way around it—I have to call out!
And just as he was about to carry out his plan, a thought suddenly, unexpectedly and randomly came to his mind:
"A handkerchief! That girl gave me a handkerchief! I'm saved! Hurray! Victoria! Ah... life is beautiful! Hurray!" He began to wave his arms, legs, and basically everything at his disposal. After the initial euphoria, a reflection came:
"Ah...ah...what a wonderful, lucky coincidence! What would have happened if I hadn't gone to them? It's scary to think! What luck, it's hard to believe!" Arkadiusz put his hand in his pocket, where he expected to find a tissue. There it was! With a triumphant smile, he solemnly pulled it out. And a strange thing happened: instead of rejoicing, Arek began to worry:
"Ah...what a pity I didn't take the whole package! Why didn't I! Now I have to sit here like an idiot in a huge pile of poop, terrifying in its poopiness, with only one tissue! This is ridiculous! Will I manage to dry my beautiful bottom? Ah...ah...and that fear again! It's a constant worry! Oh well, I have to try." Arkadiusz spread the tissue as wide as possible. He looked at it for a moment, but decided the layer might be a bit too thin. He folded it in half, but now he feared the surface area wouldn't be sufficient. After a moment's hesitation, he decided to take a chance. He closed his eyes and, with a deft stroke, wiped his bottom. He felt quite good about the wipe, but just in case, as a precaution, to banish the fear
from his heart, he repeated the action. Yes, that was it! Satisfied with the results, he tossed the tissue into the toilet, stood up, and put on his pants. He was just about to flush when he felt something strange, something new and so terrifying that he was terrified.
Arkadiusz wanted to touch his own shit.
At first, the idea seemed absurd, or at least repulsive, but as time passed, he came to the conclusion that touching his own excrement would be a step towards freedom, an act against established patterns of behavior, an attempt to defy convention and all the limitations imposed on him by European civilization. Arek would be doing violence to all those mannered people who do things because it's the right thing to do, or who don't do things because they shouldn't. Besides, it would be a new thing in his boring, gray life. Perhaps this step would bring him closer to understanding the world around him! Because how can you understand everything that exists, everything that happens around you, if you don't know your own excrement? Yes, yes, yes, shit – the condition of freedom! Excrement is the key to understanding life! Arkadiusz wanted it, desired it with all his heart, but he was terribly afraid. What if he got his fingers dirty? Would he get sick from it? Or worse, would it do no good? Finally, after heated debate among many Ark members, he decided to do it.
Carefully, yet with considerable fear and disgust, he approached his right index finger to his feces. He touched it and immediately withdrew his hand. Hmm…that wasn't so bad, he thought. He repeated the action, but this time, his hand remained on the pile.
After a moment, he added his other hand. He began to feel the shit. He felt wonderful. A smile spread across his face. He had the feeling that no one had ever done this before, and the awareness that he was liberating himself, defying terrible limitations, that he was destroying conventions and all rules, that he was destroying the entire European civilization! Touching the shit gave him a sense of power
and assured him of his uniqueness. After all, it was he—no one else—who was doing what he was doing!
He felt his own feces for a while, but with less and less energy, until he stopped altogether. He cried.
"Ah…ah…what am I doing? Examining the shit? But how?" Why don't I just smear it on myself, smell it? I do everything half-heartedly, without total commitment, yet I feel like I should give myself completely to something, dedicate myself absolutely! I'm so blurred among the multitude of concepts, thousands of issues, millions of impressions, billions of aspects of reality! Sometimes I even feel like I'm only half-living! It seems to me that I'm missing out on something wonderful, beautiful, and unique, that I'm missing out on something fantastic
and incomparable, that I'm only living a little, just a little apart, only pretending to, as if in some disgusting lethargy, in a coma devoid of all scruples, just for fun, casually, out of necessity, because life must be lived! I exist miserably alongside this real life, full of diverse experiences! Oh... I'm just vegetating!
"I'm studying shit? Ha, ha, ha! Ridiculous! There are so many types of feces, so many different research methods, so many special measuring devices, and I've only learned about one type of poop! And in such a flawed way? With my fingers! Oh…oh…and I want to create beauty? I, who can't recognize ugliness? I long to find the meaning of existence, but I can't understand the nature of feces? Oh…oh…I'll never be able to understand the essence of shit! Oh…oh…never! And yet I feel like I should! The thought of not familiarizing myself
with the subject of poop makes me feel so small, so limited, so powerless! I'm ashamed of my ignorance, my incompetence! Oh…how I suffer! Oh…oh…I'm too flawed, I can try, wonder, investigate, toil, agonize, and suffer, but what's the point? If I'll never find the answer anyway? How can one find the answer, given the limited cognitive methods at their disposal, and the issue is so complex? Is it worth wasting one's life exploring this fragment of reality, feeling that one will never fully understand it? On the other hand, is it even possible to give up? Give up at the very beginning? Accept a less affluent life? Oh… I don't know… I don't know again… oh… oh… this is terrible… this is terrifying…
Arkadiusz flushed, exited the toilet, and headed for the sinks, where he thoroughly, carefully scrubbed with soap. Then he emerged from the bathroom. He thought for a moment, then headed for the bar. He sat down on one of the stools
and ordered a vodka. He glanced at the television. He came across a political report. The members of parliament were debating the establishment of a national holiday in honor of the Big Banana. The proceedings were accompanied by various shouts: "Shame!", "Scandal!", "Homeland!", "Traitors!", "He must go!", "Shovel!", "Bumpampambleee!".
Arkadiusz, with a look of sad habit, drank the contents of his glass and ordered a beer for a change. He fell into thought. He remembered why he didn't watch TV. How is it that politicians are a bunch of morons and thieves? He wondered. And how is it that, on the one hand, politics has such a profound impact on everyone's lives, yet at the same time, it has none? He remembered the children playing happily on the tracks. What do they care about the government's actions? What does the recently signed law mean to them? They live happily, completely separated, separated by an invisible barrier from the country's political situation! Ah...ah...that's wonderful! Does this prove that we need to think less and live more? Not think about what surrounds us, but focus on ourselves and our loved ones? The world has always been full of evil and stupidity, and yet people somehow managed to survive! So, to be happy? But I really would like to! But I can't...I can't! Ugh... Above all, stay calm and take your time, that's what you need! Don't force anything! I don't have to! Something will happen when it's done! If something's meant to happen, it will! And even if it doesn't, the world won't collapse! It'll work out somehow! It'll never be like this without somehow!
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