In a Distorting Mirror

Not so long ago, beyond the hill and the Kampinos Forest, there was a crumbling castle where the royal family lived with their three daughters. Their father, overworked by extorting taxes from poor peasants, was a bit worried when they grew up and still hadn't married. His wife, whose biggest daily dilemma was choosing which of 999 dresses to wear, kept telling him day after day how stupid he was and also that he should do something and marry off his daughters. The king didn't care much, as he had two serious problems to deal with. First, every month he received letters requesting, and then ordering, the castle to be restored, as the structure was falling into disrepair and threatened with collapse. At any moment, a conservator could arrive from abroad with his preservatives, and because the king, being uneducated and having been told about taxes since birth, didn't know what preservatives were. Terrible rumors circulated that not only did they have to be paid for, but they also killed pests, and the king was always told he was a pest. Some merchants coming from far away told him his castle would be moved to a museum. Museum was another word the king didn't know, but his advisors told him it was a terrible place, so the king was terrified of the museum. He responded to every letter by saying he needed to think it over and weigh the pros and cons. He'd been responding in the same way for two years, so it was no wonder the conservator began to suspect something. The king was worried that he hadn't received a letter in three months, and the last one had read:

"I. Stop. Conservator. Stop. I declare. Stop. That. Stop. I will come. Stop."

The king was surprised that he hadn't arrived yet, but he figured it was the stop signs in his letter that were keeping him waiting. The king's second problem was a ghost that had taken up residence in his bathroom. The ghost was even polite, but he refused to leave. It wouldn't have been a problem, but the king declared he wouldn't wash until the ghost left the bathroom. The ghost, however, refused to give in, and the king hadn't washed for six months. One day, while it was raining heavily in the fields, someone knocked on the castle door. The king ran to open it (the doorkeeper had been on leave for 20 years), but collided with his wife, who was running from the other side. When they both got up, the king opened the door, which was already shaking from the soft knocking. He opened it and saw a young man dripping wet. He had a hood over his head, so his face couldn't be seen, and in his hand was a knocker that had been torn off the entrance door. He removed his hood and said apologetically,

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rip the knocker off."

"Can't you read?!" the king asked politely, pointing to the signs attached to the door. "Under no circumstances should you knock!" "Do not touch the knocker!" "Be careful, the king is having a bad day"... what?! What's this sign doing here?" he pointed to a sign reading: "THE KING IS STUPID! LOWER TAXES!" "

They're probably some peasants," the queen said, adjusting her dress, which was three sizes too big.

"Well, whatever, why did you come here?

" "I came here to seek shelter because it's raining, I crossed the forest and the hill, although I must admit I had to climb the hill twice because the first time I slipped in the mud at the very top. I heard there's a beautiful castle here with a kind and generous king." He bowed low to him as he said this.

The king would have thrown him out, but the way the young man spoke to him was very kind, and since the king was known for his vanity, he let him into the castle.

"Just be careful, those floorboards are treacherous and...

" "Please? Aaaah!" The young man stepped onto the floorboards the king had mentioned, and with a loud crack, they broke, sending him plummeting through the floor. They heard a loud BOOM and saw clouds of dust rising from the hole where the stranger had disappeared. After a long moment, during which the queen nervously adjusted her dress and the king tried to pry the plaque off, the young man's head emerged from the hole in the floor. He was covered in dust; his previously flawless, shoulder-length blond hair was now disheveled and as dusty as the rest of him. The young man's ears were also visible, long and pointed. By some miracle, he emerged and began dusting off his clothes. He wore a long, black, floor-length traveling cloak, tight green tights, and a gray-pink shirt. The queen examined his ears and suddenly exclaimed,

"Oh my God! Look at his ears! He must be a vampire!"

The king entered with a tablet in his hand, and the young man stopped dusting himself off, smiled, to the queen's horror, and said,

"No, you are mistaken, madam, I am an elf, an elf prince, and my name is Filleus." The tablet slipped from the king's hands, and the queen stopped adjusting her dress, almost causing it to fall off.

"Oh, I didn't know you were an elf prince... Welcome to our humble abode," the king said sweetly.

Filleus looked like an elf. He was very handsome and had all the features elves possess.

"Perhaps you'd like to take a bath. I see you're very tired from your journey and strangely dusty..." the king continued in his sweet voice.

"Yes, I'd love to," he replied, and hesitantly stood on the first step of the stairs.

The king led him to his bathroom.

"It's my private bathroom, but you could only use my wife's bathroom, or my daughters'."

"Yes, I prefer this one," he said, and disappeared behind the bathroom door. The king walked down the hall, wondering if he'd made the right decision not to tell him about the ghost in the bathroom. He hadn't gone far when a young man's voice reached him from behind the door.

"King! Let the king come here immediately!"

The king turned and, with a sigh, entered the bathroom and saw Filleus standing in the middle, pointing with disgust at the ghost sitting on the edge of the bathtub and grinning broadly.

"Wh-what is that?

" "A ghost," the king replied, as if ghosts in bathrooms were a perfectly normal occurrence.

"And why is that thing here? Let it go!

" "Why not," the ghost replied, still grinning broadly, floated through the bathroom, and disappeared into one of the walls.

When the king saw this, he couldn't believe it and stood there, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. "That I didn't think of it sooner," he reproached himself.

"You got rid of my ghost! How can I thank you?" The king was so moved that he almost cried. "I know, I'll give you one of my daughters as your wife. Tomorrow at breakfast, I'll introduce them to you, and you can choose. Now bathe, and you can sleep in the next room."

The next morning, Filleus came down for breakfast and met the king and queen there.

"Hello, I'll soon introduce you to my daughters. Sit here and taste these dishes." He gestured to the table, but accidentally knocked over the pepper container.

Filleus sat down and began eating. The king kept sneezing, and the queen ran out, explaining that she was allergic to pepper. When Filleus had eaten his fill and the king had stopped sneezing, all three princesses entered the room where they were eating. They were girded with sashes numbered 1-3, and one was uglier than the other.

"So, Filleus, these are my daughters." This is Brunhilda Krzywonoza (Crooked-nosed Brunhilda),” he pointed to princess number 1. She wore a blue dress, was thin, and one could say she was the prettiest, but she had a terribly crooked nose. “Kungunda Krzywonoza,” the king continued, this time pointing to girl number 2 in a green dress. She was the ugliest of the three. She had thousands of large pimples all over her face and an unnaturally large nose, and judging by her name, she must have had crooked legs as well. “And this is my youngest daughter,” he pointed to the girl in red dress number 3, whose face immediately turned the same color as her dress. She was small and fat, and her lips were twisted in all directions, and if Filleus hadn’t known they were lips, he would never have guessed. “And her name,” the king continued, “Nameless Krzywouza.

” “Nameless?!

“Yes… my wife and I were at a loss for a reasonable name.”

- Aha...

- Okay, now tell me, which one do you choose?

Filleus pondered feverishly. Brunhilda was the first to come to mind. He immediately rejected Cunegonde and the Nameless One. Cunegonde was so utterly ugly that Filleus, sensitive to beauty, couldn't bear to look at her. He didn't want the Nameless One, because he pictured himself with her on the wedding aisle. He would have to kiss her at least once, and he felt he would faint then, and her name... Brunhilda had her flaws, but...

"I'm choosing candidate number... wait, could I think about it?

" "Think about it and weigh the pros and cons?

" "Yes! Exactly!

" "In that case, my answer is no.

" "But, King, I would only think about it for two weeks...

" "Two weeks, you say? Fine, but only two weeks, not a minute longer.

" So Filleus had two more weeks. Every day he ate breakfast with everyone and went out into the garden, where Brunhilda would immediately sit down and talk. The conversation consisted of Filleus saying nothing, just staring at the beginning of the Kampinos Forest, which loomed on the horizon, while Brunhilda told the same stories over and over again. Her favorite was listing the 999 times her nose had been broken. At first, Filleus was surprised that she remembered them all, but after the 292nd time, he grew bored and stopped listening. Finally, the princess's mouth would dry up and she would go for a drink, and then the queen would pounce on Filleus. She would literally pounce on him, as she often tripped over the hem of her overly long dress. She tormented him, making him talk about her elven kingdom and constantly asking which princess he would choose and whether the princesses weren't beautiful. At one point, he couldn't contain himself and exploded.

"No! They're not beautiful, they're ugly!" "But it's even uglier in the neighborhood..." he added, fearing the queen would burst into tears, as she was close to it. From now on, he had to seek refuge in the castle. He wandered the corridors for days, but had to stop because he often bumped into Cunegonde, and the sight of her made Filleus want to go to the bathroom. Finally, he hid in one of the rooms where he spent his free time. There was a collection of armor there that, according to Filleus, needed conservation. He even mentioned this to the king over dinner, but when he heard it, the king turned green and hurried out of the room. The queen had an expression on her face as if he had said something absurd.

"Never. Mention. Conservation. Preservatives. And. Conservators. To. My. Husband," she said in a very polite tone.

He didn't hide in that room for long, however, because once, when he came there, he encountered the ghost from the king's bathroom. The ghost was smiling broadly.

"Hey, lover, maybe you want to know how I died?"

Filleus ran away with a hysterical scream. The ghost looked sad.

"I just wanted to talk about something interesting."

Filleus never returned. He sat in the garden again, and just like before, Brunhilda joined him every day. One day, out of boredom, he asked her what they called the Nameless One since she didn't have a name. "

Well, you know, we don't call her Fill.

" "What do you mean, you never call her Fill?

" "She's always in her room; we never actually call her Fill, but let's not talk about such boring topics, Fill. Do you want to hear how I broke my nose, Fill? What? Do you want to?

" "I do," he muttered, but his thoughts were already far away. He imagined what it would be like if he married the Nameless One and didn't know how to address her, and she stayed locked in her room.

And so, over a week passed since Filleus had taken up residence in the castle. One day, when it was raining in the fields, and Filleus was forced to sit with Brunhilda in the dining room, listening to the story of her broken nose, Brunhilda interrupted. This immediately snapped Fileus out of his reverie. She hadn't interrupted any of her stories so far. Brunhilda pulled a tiny diamond-shaped mirror from her pocket and began examining herself. Then she smiled and placed it on the table. Driven by curiosity, Fileus picked up the mirror. Fileus couldn't miss any opportunity to look at his beautiful face. He looked in the mirror and almost dropped it. Every detail of his beautiful face was distorted.

"What's that?!?

" "It's a crooked mirror.

" "What ?

" "A crooked mirror. A magic mirror. We all three have something similar, except mine is the smallest. When we look in it, we're beautiful."

He already knew why the Nameless One had been sitting in her room all this time. Brunhilda started talking about her nose again, and Fileus pondered for a moment, then pulled out his cell phone.

"Nokia! The latest model! I'm into you!" "Brunhilda exclaimed excitedly.

Filleus didn't comment, just used the phone.

"Hi, Dad," Filleus said into the phone. "Yes... yes... me? I'm in a castle beyond the Kampinos Forest... Yes, in this one, because, you know, they want to trick me into marrying her... Yes... but Dad... no... but I can't... I don't want to!... No! Please! Not this... I don't want to marry anyone! What are you telling me?! You can't!!! No! Wait... Oh my God!"

He got up and left the dining room. He went to his room, lay down on the bed, and began to think. He had to get out of here as quickly as possible. There was no other way. He couldn't marry anyone. Yes! He'd get out of here tomorrow! Unless it rained...

" "You're even more beautiful when you're so lost in thought...

" "Aaah!" Filleus jumped at the sight of the ghost from the king's bathroom, who was sitting on a chair by the door. "What are you doing here?!"

"I'm sitting here looking at you. You're so sweet," he said, blowing him a kiss.

"Bleee," Filleus shuddered. "Get out of here or...

" "Or?

" "Uh...

" "You can take off your clothes, and I'll definitely go! "

Filleus turned bright red.

"Don't even think about it!!! I'm not a fag!!! How could you even think such a thing!!! You have a sick imagination!!! Get out of here!!! Get out!!! Get out!!!" Filleus shouted, stomping his feet.

"Oh my! I'm going!" the ghost shouted back in an offended voice and disappeared into the wall.

Filleus panted for a few more minutes, then rolled back onto the bed, still flushed with anger and shame. Once he had calmed down, he thought he might try talking to the king, telling him he urgently needed to go to his father and then return and get married. He wondered if the king would be naive enough to believe his story, but he decided to give it a try. But what will he tell him... What will he tell him...

The next morning, Filleus, with a speech prepared in his head, stopped the king in the corridor right after breakfast.

"King, I have business with the king.

" "Yes? What is it? Have you chosen yet? You still have some time.

" "Well, in a sense,

I'm listening to you carefully.

" "All your daughters, King, are beautiful...

" "I would argue.

" "...but I haven't chosen yet," Filleus continued. "Yesterday I called my father and I have to leave there urgently.

" "Oh, I understand. Do you want to escape?

" "No!!! But not! How dare I. I explained to my father what important matters were keeping me here, but he was stubborn and said I had to come immediately. Immediately"—he pounded his fist against his palm to confirm. "Immediately. Without delay!

" "You'll leave and not come back?

" "I'll come back! I'll be back soon! And then I'll marry...

" "Who?

" "I don't know...

" "And who are you?" – asked the king, and only then did Filleus realize that the last question had not been asked by the king.

– The father of this young man.

– Aaaah... So the king of the elves?

– What king? What was that my son said? I'm just a maintenance worker!

– Oh God... – said the king and collapsed to the ground...