In the throes of all this final exam preparation, studying, love, and minor setbacks, Kostek and I had been arguing more and more often lately, and over completely trivial things. About uncollected trash, ten-minute delays, "woman's headaches," the computer, and so on. I didn't even notice when May arrived and my final exams. The day before the final exams, I was as if I were packed with dynamite. Everything and everyone irritated me; Kostek's presence and jokes drove me crazy. That evening, my tension reached its peak. After Kostek started making fun of my nervousness, I slammed the door and went home.
The next day, I just called him, and we didn't meet that day. I spent the entire evening with my school friends, analyzing Polish topics and revising our recent history lessons. That day of rest with Kostek did us good. When people spend too much time together, too often, and too intensely, they start to send out negative vibes, which leads to arguments and resentments. If left unspoken, they can become the trigger for a huge fight. Then, emotions are lost, and hurtful words spoken can't be taken back, and forgetting is even harder. I didn't meet him until the next day. He was waiting for me with Balu, Mateusz, and a bouquet of beautiful flowers in front of the school. I was overjoyed to see them, and this time my friends were bursting with jealousy. Ultimately, I passed my final exams with flying colors. However, I had a worse problem: my studies. Before I met Kostek, I wanted to apply to Jagiellonian University for international relations, but now my current life has changed my plans. I had no intention of leaving Kostek, not even for a moment. I was too in love and completely absorbed in him, or rather, in us. I decided I had to sacrifice myself for our love.
So I applied only to the local university, which certainly wasn't as prestigious as Jagiellonian University, but at least I didn't have to move anywhere and could stay with my man. It was my first adult, independent decision in my life. You could say I was proud of myself. My parents, however, had a rather different opinion on the matter. However, I told them I was an adult now and made my own decisions concerning my personal life, which made me even prouder that I was able to stand my ground. It's just a shame I didn't yet realize what adulthood meant. And it wasn't about defying my parents and having sex, but about taking responsibility for myself, for him, for the child that could appear beneath my heart at any moment. It means making independent decisions when you can pay for them yourself, including financially, and taking responsibility for the consequences of your choices.
Being an adult means being able to support yourself through your own work; only then do you have the right to make your own decisions. How easy it is to spite your parents when they support you, are responsible for your mistakes, and solve your problems. It's easy to be an adult then. However, adulthood is defined by an awareness of everything I wrote about earlier. I didn't understand this until it was too late.
Meanwhile, I got accepted to study political science at the local university and believed I had achieved my full potential. Looking back, I see how naive and immature I was. Back then, however, I acted as if I had no common sense.
I thought that since I was an adult, I could do whatever I wanted, and my parents couldn't tell me what to do. Kostek also noticed my childishness and innocence, but every attempt he made to point it out ended in a fight, and I accused him of being against me too and not understanding me at all. Then I called to apologize for what I'd said, and he didn't get angry; he didn't take my sulking seriously.
I started classes in October. My group, however, seemed childish and completely expressionless. I felt like they were behaving like high school kids, not serious students. I didn't realize, however, that I was the one who was different, superior, and patronizing them. By then, she was practically living with Kostek, spending almost all day there, only coming home at night, though not always. Our relationship was developing. I was still glued to him like a picture, my rose-tinted glasses of infatuation blinding me to any flaws. He, however, possessed them just like any other person, because there are no perfect people.
He was too domineering, and over time, it turned out he was immature, even childish. But even if I had noticed, I wouldn't have entertained the thought that my perfect prince might have any flaws. I only realized this later, but then I wanted my perfect, unique man.
And I did.
I did well at university, my parents accepted my choice, Kostek loved me, I spent every free moment at the club. It seemed to me that I needed nothing more to be happy.
Unfortunately, over time, I began to notice that my ideal man tended to direct, even rule, my life. Previously, I had thought he was the one making the decisions because he was older, more experienced, and simply acted like a real man.
However, as time went on, I also wanted a say in our relationship. However, I didn't worry about it too much, until one evening.
It was winter, and one day I came home from university exhausted because classes started at 7:30 that day and didn't finish until 8:00 PM. I was hungry and sleepy, and on top of that, I was plagued by monthly female ailments. All I dreamed of was dinner, a warm bath, and a bed. Meanwhile, Kostek arrived, burst into my room, and, as usual, announced that we should get ready because we were going to Bal to decorate his new apartment. Despite all my sympathy for Bal, I simply didn't have the energy or the mood for fun. I just snuggled up to Kostek and told him to go alone because I wanted to go to bed. After a while, however, I realized he wasn't necessarily interested in my needs, and that what he was saying was an order to be carried out, not a proposal. He started yelling at me, saying something about fidelity, obedience, loyalty, and so on. I don't remember exactly, but for the first time, I looked at him as if he were a man who treated a woman like his property. Then I scolded myself for thinking that way about my beloved. I silenced him with a kiss and told him I was going to bed. Meanwhile, he did something I never expected. He grabbed my arm, causing me pain, and with fury in his eyes, told me that either I was going with him or it was over, because he wouldn't put up with my sulking anymore. I stood there stunned, staring at this complete stranger and told him to get out. He left, and I cried all night, wondering what had happened to my prince, the one who loved me and would never be capable of such a thing. I cried for myself, but also for my relationship. After all, Kostka loved me so much.
In my mind, I justified his behavior, finding fault with myself. Maybe I was the one who was sulking? When I think about it now, I wonder about my own stupidity, my blindness, but also the overwhelming power of love. But is this true love, the kind that forgives everything?
I suspect that every woman who has been physically or mentally abused must love so utterly foolishly, unconditionally, and thoughtlessly. A man only has power over a woman when she does everything for him, even sacrifices herself, in the name of this destructive feeling. He will forgive any offense, justify any behavior, humiliate himself for the sake of a relationship.
That's how it was with me. Kostek came the next day, contrite, with flowers, apologized, assured me he didn't know what had gotten into him, that he regretted it, and promised to improve. A simple confession from the abuser, which always has a positive effect on the victim and leads to forgiveness.
I had my beloved, wonderful man again. I didn't tell anyone about what had happened; I convinced myself no one would understand. At the same time, she knew I'd acted rashly and everyone would be against Kostek. I defended him like beaten women falling down stairs.
I didn't think much of it, though. Kostek was still tender and loving, only occasionally wanting to get his way, but I didn't want him to see me as a sulker, so I didn't object too much.
Meanwhile, I finished my first year of university, a hot summer arrived, and my boyfriend and I went on a wonderful vacation. We spent two weeks in Spain. I felt like I'd fallen in love with my Kostek all over again. We swam in the warm sea, had fun at discos in the evenings, and made love in our beautiful apartment overlooking the sea. I was practically captivated by it all. I absorbed it all. I never dreamed of such attractions. I didn't even care that on my last day at the disco, I danced with some Spaniard, and Kostek made a huge fuss about it, practically dragging me out of the club. At the time, I just thought it was good that he was jealous; it meant he cared about me and loved me. How stupid I was. It's just a shame I only know this now, after all these wasted years. And yet, my life could have been completely different.
Perhaps I had to go through all this to gain the life wisdom I now possess and want to share with you, though I know full well I won't reach all those who love with foolish love. They have to experience it themselves, be burned, disappointed by their beloved, lose complete trust and respect for them, and then find the strength to leave them.
Kostek apologized every time, begged for forgiveness, and I gave him another chance, this time the last. It's just a shame it was the last, only until the next time.
After each such incident, there came a time when Kostek was once again tender, wonderful, and loving. He proved to me at every step that I was the one, that he loved me and couldn't live without me anymore, and I believed it all. I was like a moth into the flame, wanting to know nothing, remember nothing, live only in the present moment, when everything was good.
One day at the club, I went for a walk after the Ball, and he asked me to accompany him, so I agreed. In the time since our first meeting, we had become friends. He was a smart, intelligent guy, and I knew I could always count on him. We went outside the building and sat on a bench nearby.
"Julka, is something bad going on in your life? Do you have any problems?" he asked directly. I was confused by the directness of the question; besides, she didn't want to tell anyone about her problems with Kostka. I answered him evasively:
"Why do you think I have problems?" "
You've been different for a while now, subdued, out of sorts. I feel like you're embarrassed, Kostka." So that was obvious, I thought, but I still didn't want to say anything. After all, I would be betraying my husband if I complained about him, especially to his friend. It wasn't fair to him.
Was his behavior towards me honest? But I hadn't asked myself that question at the time, and perhaps it would have saved me from what happened later. So Balu said, almost truthfully.
"Balu, it's nice that you're worried about me, but everything is fine between us.
You know Kostka.
" "Exactly," he added almost inaudibly, and I pretended not to hear. His words puzzled me, but I didn't want to delve into what they could have meant. I chose the easier path, which unfortunately led me in the wrong direction. Just as shortcuts usually do. They don't go where they need to go, and certainly not to the intended destination. Or at the expense of something, usually my own soul and conscience. My man was changing, but so was I. I was beginning to notice many things I hadn't realized before. My world was no longer idealistic, filled with love, kindness, and fascination. I understood that love means being able to compromise, and I wasn't ready for that yet. I still wanted a Prince Charming, wonderful, noble, flawless, and at my service. Yet, such men don't exist, or they are disregarded by women, labeled "henpecked."
A woman needs a man's strength, his acceptance, love, and respect to be strong and fully fulfilled. Admittedly, this isn't a very feminist view, but it's the truth.
Each of us needs a partner, but one who appreciates her and treats her like a wise woman, not a silly little girl. It's much easier for men to perceive women this way and selfishly boost their self-esteem. They choose the easier path again, this time with disastrous consequences for women, who lose themselves and begin to believe they are truly helpless girls, worthless without their master and master. I was lucky; I managed to meet this real man, who was supportive, motivating, and had his own opinions. But I was a partner for him, someone he could consult, talk to, and ask for help without hurting his masculine pride. Kostek, unfortunately, fell into the first category of men who seek validation of their masculinity through a woman. However, by the time I realized it, it was too late.
I had just started my second year of college when I realized I was pregnant. It was a shock. I couldn't, or rather didn't want to, believe that this had happened to me. We never believe that something bad could happen to us; it affects others, but we feel untouchable. Suddenly, my whole world collapsed around me; in an instant, everything lost all meaning. To make matters worse, I should have expected my parents' reaction, but I will never forget what Kostek said. He hurt me in the most profound way possible.
To this day, I don't know how he could do something like that to me. I told him the same day I found out. I knew he wouldn't be happy, that it would complicate our lives, that I was still very young, but it was a fact; I was carrying our child. When he found out, he looked at me and asked how much I needed to get rid of the problem. It blew me away; I couldn't believe he'd be able to say something like that. To him, our little one was just an impersonal problem, a superfluous part of me growing. I understood the lyrics perfectly: I'm not afraid, you're not afraid, it's not afraid. From then on, that was my definition of true love. Kostek wasn't worthy of our child. I just looked at him, tears streaming down my cheeks, and he continued acting as if he didn't know what had happened or what he'd just done. I ran out of the house, got in my car, and drove to the club. I told Balu everything, cried on his shoulder, and he comforted me, assuring me that everything would be alright, and now I just had to take care of the little one, because he was the only one that mattered right now.
He took me to my parents' house and must have had a chat with Kostek, because the next day he came to me with flowers and an engagement ring. His friendship with Balu deteriorated. They didn't spend as much time together anymore; I even felt like they were avoiding each other as much as possible.
For the sake of the child, I reconciled with Kostek and we had a civil wedding, but nothing changed the fact that he broke my heart that day and I lost that childish, unconditional trust in him. I grew up. I had to, because I was going to be a mother.
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