It was November, and Kostek was away on company business for two days. I didn't really care; there was practically nothing between us anymore. Just paperwork at the office and a shared apartment.
We barely spoke anymore; my condition wasn't improving, and he'd long since stopped fighting for me. Neither of us had the courage to break this vicious dance. We were bound by guilt, which was the driving force behind staying in this toxic relationship. That day, I was afraid to sleep alone in the apartment, so I took more sleeping pills than usual and washed them down with a double drink. I don't know how it would have ended if Balu hadn't come to see how I was coping. I woke up in the hospital again. This time, Balu was standing next to my bed; I never expected his reaction at that moment. I was used to everyone treating me like a helpless little girl who had to be subservient and do whatever she wanted because she'd been wronged, and that was a way to numb my guilt. That's exactly what I expected from Balu: to start feeling sorry for me, to tell me he understood my feelings and that everything would be alright. The worst nonsense I'd ever heard. None of them will know how I feel, and nothing will ever work out the way I wanted. Meanwhile, Balu stood at the end of the bed and began shouting out his thoughts. I remember his words perfectly, words that may have saved my life. He told me the whole truth then, which, unfortunately, was painful. At first, he said, either have the courage to end it all and stop tormenting everyone around you, or start living. We talked for a long time; I told him how I felt, what I wanted, and that I couldn't be with Kostek any longer, and above all, I was afraid to live. That evening, Kostek visited me and I had a serious and incredibly difficult conversation with him. We both knew for a long time that our relationship was pointless, but neither of us had the courage to take any step to end this mutual torment. Especially now that there wasn't even a little one to connect us. Our paths diverged. We were too young and immature to create a true partnership between two people, souls and bodies. What brought us together was beautiful, but fleeting, like a beautiful dream. These first infatuations and unconditional, youthful loves rarely have a chance to develop into true, mature love, which also requires growing into.
Because a true relationship is hard, constant work by both partners. Love is the essential, most important element that unites two completely different and distinct human beings, but only then does the truly hard work begin. After all, you must defend your independence, but you must also master the difficult art of compromise. Sometimes you have to forget yourself for someone else and swallow your pride. You have to practice patience and not make a fuss over the smallest thing. How easy it is to destroy everything you've built over the years with a single word, a spear that stabs you in the heart and constantly reminds you of it, and our imperfect memory refuses to let you forget. These are precisely the words that cannot be undone by any means, that constantly linger in our minds and poison our love, respect, and trust like venom, until at some point our hearts break with pain and helplessness. Despite all this, it's very difficult to suddenly end a long-term relationship, out of fear of loneliness, of not being able to cope on our own, and above all, of the conviction that you can't live without the other person. The truth is, we don't like change and fear everything new and unknown. A sense of helplessness and uncertainty paralyzes our strength, courage, and willingness to act. Paradoxically, instead of developing a relationship, it suppresses personality, individuality, and independence. After a while, we become dependent on our significant other, who no longer deserves the title.
However, I found the strength to end our almost fictitious marriage. Although I know now that Balu was my strength, I didn't realize it at the time.
I treated him only as a friend, someone who was always there when I needed him, who endured my difficult times, supported me, and motivated me to act. I moved in with my parents, and Kostek and I settled the divorce. We parted peacefully, without unnecessary emotional scenes, but we didn't remain friends. Fundamentally, I believe that friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. Sooner or later, each will become fascinated by something, fall in love, and that's the end of a simple friendship without any subtext.
This is even more true than believing in friendship after a relationship ends. The feeling that unites two people never fades completely, it doesn't disappear with the end of a relationship; it endures. It undergoes a metamorphosis and is no longer love, but each time they meet, something rekindles, something that tightens the pit of your stomach and won't let you ignore it. The question always lingers in your mind: what would it be like if we were still together? A question we'll never have an answer to, but one that haunts us until the very end. Once again, we have free choice. We're never sure where the path we choose will lead us.
Our lives are one giant puzzle, a labyrinth with millions of places and people, through which we must navigate and find the path that will lead us to the right exit. Now I know that no shortcuts are an option; they can only lead us astray, often without return.
Returning to my story, it's slowly coming to an end. Everyone has probably realized by now that the wonderful "He" from the first page is Balu. My friend, who was my strength and the rock on which I built my life anew. It all began simply. We were at his apartment, watching some silly comedy, when suddenly he looked at me like one would look at a loved one, not a friend, and I finally realized that this was the man I'd been waiting for. This was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, would listen, would understand, and would provide the stability I needed most right now. And then everything happened as it should, just like in normal life. We moved in together, but we didn't get married. I didn't want to after my recent experience with marriage, which changes everything, not for the better, but for the worse. Perhaps one day I'll be ready to legalize our relationship, especially now that we have a daughter. Emilka was born a year later. When I realized I was pregnant, I panicked, flashing back to all the terrifying moments of my last pregnancy. But he reassured me, showing me so much love, tenderness, and understanding that my fears dissipated like clouds after a storm. And the sun shone again, my daughter.
My precious little one, those beautiful little hands and feet, her huge blue eyes as she looked at me, made all the pain of childbirth worth it. I finally found myself, a woman who had been through so much, who had found the courage and strength to start all over again, only now confident, strong, and unafraid of life, just like before.
I hope my story will be a comfort and a warning to all women stuck in toxic, hopeless relationships. Do something for me and for yourself, leave it all behind and start over. It will be hard, it will be painful, you will have moments of breakdown and doubt that you can't cope on your own, but believe me, it will be worth it. You can survive anything, and it hurts sometimes, but it passes. Life moves forward and leaves us no choice; we have to keep living and function as normally as possible.
Rediscover yourself! Just like I did.
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