Once upon a time, there was Harry Potter, nicknamed "Dude." He had only two friends, and they were just like him. What does "Dude" mean? Well, they were just as much of a jerk as Harry the Dude. This story is about the biggest idiot and moron to ever walk the earth – Harry Potter.
Harry had a very difficult childhood – his parents (also dudes) died while playing bridge with a certain "Lord Voldeport," known to his friends as Lordi Portkas. Since that joyful day, many stinking days have passed. Harry was raised by his aunt and uncle. Uncle Velvet and Aunt Fart were the only normal people in Harry's family. His uncle sold Velvet toilet paper, and his aunt was the head of the Dude Killing Council. Neither of them had ever liked Harry, for obvious reasons—he constantly stole their pocket money for butter and bread, and went out with his friends to Soho, pretending to be cool. Harry hated his aunt and uncle and wanted to get rid of them, but he was a jerk and didn't use his brain at all, which, incidentally, he didn't have anyway. He did have a cousin, a fat man who constantly devoured his McDonald's fries when he went to the bathroom. This cousin was named Kugley, or "Fat Idiot" to his friends. Yet, despite his stupidity, he was infinitely smarter than Harry.
Harry, the paparuch, went to a private school for losers called Daunwart (Hogwarts to his friends), where all the losers in the world attended. Others thought it was just Daun's disease, but it was something more... Patients (including Harry) ran around with wands and uttered spells, forgetting that the only wizard was Gandalf (Saruman, more on that later). However, no one managed to cure the patients because the school's headmaster was Dupnedore, known to his friends as "The Idiot Pretending to Be Gandalf." Dupnedore was also an idiot, just as much as the rest of the patients, so the school slowly went bankrupt and lost its income, because everyone preferred going to Isengard.
Now that we've explained who Harry was, described him and his classmates, it's time to show his adventures. When Harry arrived at Daunwart (thanks to his uncle), he was 11 years old. He earned a lot of points in his first year and was about to be expelled when something extraordinary happened... One day, Harry was going to the toilet with his friend Ron Grizzly when he noticed a huge troll in the toilet eating shit out of the toilet.
"Hey, look, Harry, that looks like a big dog..." said Ron.
"No, you idiot. It's a troll!!! And I didn't bring an umbrella!!!" shouted Harry, shitting his pants. They started to run, but the troll saw them and grabbed them.
"Hello gentlemen, what are you doing here?" he asked.
"Aaaaaa!!! Ugh, err!!!" they shouted. Suddenly, the troll let go of them because he had to scratch his head.
"Now we should run..." said Harry. "On three... one... two... Err,what happened next Ron?
"Two for two? What's two for two?
" "Exactly... I never thought about that... Okay, let's go!" They quickly ran in the opposite direction, but they didn't notice the run-over cat lying on the ground and fell flat on its face. The troll laughed loudly and approached them. His gaze fell on Harry, who broke out in a cold sweat. The troll was getting closer... Will I escape? Will I get an A in French? Am I an idiot? Will I finally shit myself??? Harry thought frantically, but the questions remained unanswered. Suddenly, some energy erupted from his body and flew straight at the troll, and the force of the blow threw him two kilometers. The troll was knocking down walls (just like in the movies), leaving only holes in them. Harry shook himself and asked Ron,
"Er... did I do that?"
"Yeah, that was awesome, totally awesome, you hit him with the Power of the Three Martian Rangers, just like in Power-Rangers!!!
A moment later, a slew of (NASA) reporters appeared in the hallway.
"TVN 24. How do you explain killing the biggest troll in this part of England?
" "I don't know... I was thinking about something and then boom!!!
" "Are you going to be less of a jerk and an idiot now than you were before?
" "Please don't insult me! No one will be a bigger idiot than me!"
"Oh, yes, indeed...
" The group dispersed (???) and suddenly Harry saw Dupnedor. He looked as if a truck carrying 10 tons of sugar beets from Thailand had just run him over.
"Bravo, Harry. For what you did, you're looking at a week of cleaning toilets, a tie for Uncle Velvet, and some Sobieskie cigarettes." Suddenly, Harry heard a sound. The beep was coming from the headmaster's robes. Paparuch felt the voice calling him... he felt he had supernatural powers that allowed him to communicate with visitors from another planet... the voice grew louder and louder, until finally Harry had no doubt it was...
"Oh, sorry, Bush is calling me," said Dupnedore, and took out his Sony Ericsson with a prepaid card.
The next morning, Harry went to McDonald's with Hermione Kranger and Ron because they were very hungry, and at McDonald's they served food whose origins weren't even worth knowing. There were rumors of dog poop, but if that were all... (Warning!!! This part is very disgusting.) Apparently, the headmaster put his own piss-stained underwear in the food, then mixed it with the rotten flesh of a fourth-year student. Then everyone had to vomit into the food or their head would be cut off. Finally, Lord Voldeport spat into every bowl. So Harry and his friends decided, after much deliberation, to have lunch at McDonald's. They arrived by Radio Taxi.
"How much am I paying?
" "A discount for the diners.
" "Oh, how nice," said Harry. "
You'd normally pay 10.90, but this time you pay less than 13. Not bad, huh? A discount especially for the diners."
The food was delicious, but Harry threw it up anyway because he had stomach problems after his uncle tried to poison him with a rotten pine cone from the forest, not wanting anyone to know he had a family member. Suddenly, Harry spotted Lord Voldeport in the dining hall. "He's the one who played a game with my parents... and won... I have to beat him." Harry was so stupid that he wanted to face Voldeport, even though he didn't know any spells except "Rictusempra—fart in your ear."
"Hi, err. It's me, Harry Potter—paparuch... I want to fight you... you killed my daddy and mommy... boo
-hoo." "Get out of here, you maggot, or I'll beat you like I do with old carpets.
" "Rictusempra—fart in your ear!" Harry exclaimed. Ron and Hermione watched the fight from a distance because they didn't like bloodshed, even though Hermione knew plenty of spells, like Abra Kadabra, you have a face like a Cobra... hehehehe!
"Now you've gone too far, kid." Even though the spell didn't leave a mark on him, he was furious. "I was just about to order a double Bic Mac with onions, but you interrupted me..." Vordeport grabbed Harry by the pants and shook him. A dime fell out of his pocket, and Voldeport picked them up before saying, "This isn't over yet, kid. I hope you can swim, hehe."
Harry's face was as pale as a sheet. He clearly had shit his pants. Ron and Hermione watched Voldeport, who took Harry by the shirt and led him to the toilet. A moment later, the sound of a toilet flushing could be heard. Voldeport left, a look of triumph etched on his face.
"Well," he said, rubbing his hands. "It's done."
They left the premises, and then Harry appeared. He was soaking wet.
"Have they gone yet?" he asked uncertainly, looking around...
That day, Harry's reputation plummeted to -132378, because everyone in Daunwart had already learned about the Voldeport and the mess. On their way back to school, they were beaten by the Whomping Oak.
"And I thought things couldn't get any worse..." said Hermione.
Harry was summoned for a private conversation with the Headmaster. The Headmaster's face looked, as usual, like a handkerchief.
"Hmm..." he said, counting the money. "Not good... I don't have enough for Velvet... That's bad luck.
" "Yes, indeed...
" "And who asked you for your opinion? Apparently you thrashed Voldeport yesterday? You scourge of humanity!!!" That's our tax collector. Now taxes will definitely go up by 50%!!! After what you tried to do to him!!!
- Yeah, sorry... And as for taxes, we'll watch TV after 10 PM, electricity is cheaper then...
- AAAAaaa!!! - Dupnedore was about to eat Harry whole when a thought occurred to him (nicely put).
"Okay, I'll take pity on you. But you'll have to do something for me." Harry approached, as the headmaster's voice was fading. "There's a boatswain's at the grocery store for a zloty. I only have 50 groszy, so you probably won't be able to buy it. But you have to do it, or you'll get kicked out of school. "
Harry was so scared he wet his pants. After the last time his aunt tried to strangle him with an iron wire, he hadn't even thought about his family, and the thought of going back was unbearable. So he accepted Dupnedore's terms.
"Listen, kid. I'll give you 50 groszy, I don't care how you get that boatswain's. But there's a party in the teachers' lounge today, so everyone brings something strong." Dupnedore handed him the 50 groszy, then said. "Go, you have to get that boatswain's. Now get out of the room."
Harry gathered his team (Ron and Hermione) and headed for the greengrocer's—the only shop for a million miles.
"What do you want?" the shopkeeper asked wearily.
"Hey, not in that tone!" Harry said indignantly.
"Is a guy with glasses threatening me? Okay, say what you want?
" "Right... Um, how should I put this... I wanted a boatswain, but I only have...
" "Oh, boatswain's okay. We have a discount today.
" "I know, but I only have...
" "50% off. Today for a złoty...
" "I know, but I only have 50 groszy!" Harry said.
"??? For exhausted and stinking losers like you, we have an even bigger discount. Thanks to the boss. 50 groszy today.
" "Great!!!!" the three friends exclaimed.
"Okay. ID, driving license, or proof of employment.
" "Um... but we don't have...
" "What?" "Bosun for 18 years, everyone knows that..." said the shopkeeper. Hermione took matters into her own hands. "Hocus Pocus, conjure up an ID for me here." A moment later, Harry was holding his ID card, with a picture of the toilet.
"Is that your picture?" the shopkeeper laughed. "HAHA!!! What an idiot!!! Okay, jokes aside. You've got the Bosun here, and I'm out of here."
The friends happily returned to the headmaster. On their way back, the Whomping Oak punched them in the face again. They returned to school, tired and shattered. Dupnedore stood in the doorway.
"Oh, finally! Bosun, you did well. I won't expel you. Now go have fun," said Dupnedore, and headed for the staff room, where the party was to be held.
The days passed boringly, and Harry was very bored, because the days passed boringly. During a lesson, he heard the mysterious word "Idiot Chamber," which fascinated him deeply. Harry walked around the school, searching for the Chamber with Ron and Hermione. The name was very familiar to him, especially the second part. But he knew the Chamber was hidden somewhere, somewhere in Daunwart... After a hard day of searching, they drank some Winnie the Pooh, ate a small meal, and then Ron announced,
"The toilet is calling. I have to go.
" "Okay, just hurry."
They were waiting impatiently for Ron; he was supposed to arrive 139 years ago. Suddenly, they heard a scream coming from the toilet. They searched the toilet and found Ron.
"When I flushed, the wall opened!!! There's some secret entrance through the toilet!
" "That entrance must be the Chamber of Morons," said Hermione. They passed through the passage and saw a long, winding staircase. They went down it, but on the way, they lost Ron, who fell into a dark abyss.
"Oh, what a shame," said Harry. A moment later, they reached the Chamber of Morons. In the middle stood some idiot with a hat on. He laughed loudly at the sight of Harry and Hermione.
"HAHA!!! What are you doing here, you idiots?
" "We want to beat you," said Harry, realizing the guy was Voldeport.
"Nobody can beat me!!!" I created this Chamber to imprison weak students and play bridge with them, and then strangle them with a wire iron.
"Never!!! NO!!!" Harry roared. Voldeport spat in his face, and the bespectacled man fell over. The man laughed evilly. Suddenly he choked...
"Oh, AIDS..." He kicked Harry in the face and slammed him against the wall.
"Now it's your turn, you cow!" Then he lunged at Hermione. He spat in her mouth, but she dodged the attack and cast a spell, "Abra Kadabra, shit your pants, you peasant!!!" Voldeport fell over and fell into a large hole where the wire irons lived, designed specifically to strangle victims.
"No!!!!" Voldeport shouted, just in time to transform into a bird. "We'll meet again!!!"
Hermione released Harry and said,
"We're leaving quickly. Everything's falling apart."
They escaped through the mouse hole and rested in the Sarnitorium. There they found Ron. He had iron wire marks on his neck.
"You did well," said Dupnedore. "But next time it won't be so easy. Never mind... I invite all the douns to a doun party!"
The friends devoured all the food, and Harry puked again. He returned home for the holidays and went back to school for his second year, where more adventures awaited him.
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