Herod's brother

Jesus arrived a little late, and the angels were already whispering among themselves about what the Most High had been doing for so long between meetings. Finally, he arrived, sat down in the seat of honor, and spoke.

"What do we little angels have to do?"

"Today, Most High," Azazel, one of the cursed, spoke up, "we are to consider what to do with this thief and drug addict... what was his name... Pilate?

" "His name is Philip, and he's also a liar. You forgot, Azazel.

" "Yes, yes, Philip: a liar, a thief, and a drug addict," Azazel corrected himself.

"So," Jesus said, frowning, "what are we still waiting for?

" "We are waiting for you, Most High," Michael, one of the chosen, stated. "By the way, we were wondering what you were doing for so long... you know, while you were gone...

" "Michael!!!" Jesus was outraged, "perhaps you will join the cursed."

Michael moved to the left, his wing lowered. "You want to know too much, and if I want, I'll tell you myself." Michael nodded and sat down among the cursed.

"And now," Jesus continued, "give me this... Philip..."

"Philip, Philip, Philip..." Jesus wondered, "who was that named... damn, I think he was familiar. Well... I can't remember..."

"Herod's brother, boss," snapped Ezekiel, one of the prophets.

"Herod's brother! Indeed, Ezekiel. And what is he doing now, if I may ask?" Jesus looked at the Philistine, one of many Philistines, who was his scribe.

"Philip, Herod's brother," said the Philistine, opening the book of destiny he carried on his back. He looked at the index and flipped through the pages until he reached F for Philip.

"This Philip, the most high, he perished long ago at the Last Judgment.

" "At the Last Judgment?" Jesus wondered. "After all, there hasn't been a Last Judgment yet.

" "There wasn't an O Most High," the Philistine explained, "but Philip, Herod's brother, was sentenced in absentia."

"In his case, you bypassed all the laws and precedents, boss, and the verdict was passed," added Michael, one of the cursed.

"That's how it was, O omniscient One," confirmed the Philistine. "The verdict was passed, and you sent Philip... you sent...

" "Spit it out!" Jesus exclaimed.

"You know, O omniscient One," said Pilate.

"My omniscience is in the books of that scribe," Jesus was now visibly upset, "so let him answer my question before I summon Lazarus."

Everyone knew Lazarus was not to be trifled with, so a truly holy peace reigned among the assembled.

"The book says that Philip was sent to earth..." said the Philistine in one breath, and hid behind the back of Judas, one of the chosen ones.

"I wonder what he did," Lucifer, one of the Satans, said. "That brother of Herod, I don't even remember mistreating him like I did Job, for example...

" "No problem," Job said, waving at Lucifer. He was sitting some distance from the throne. "I know the Most High ordered you then."

"End of discussion," Jesus said, taking control of the assembly, "bring this Philip here, the drug addict and the thief... "

"And the liar," Pilate added.

"Yes, the liar. Moses," Jesus signaled to the old man at his right, "I can rely on you, bring him before me."

Moses grabbed the staff in his hands, the same one that had once transformed into a snake, and reached far, far down to the ground until it touched the sleeping drug addict's heart, making it stop beating in an instant.

The drug addict lay on a bench in the waiting room at the station, and people gave him a wide berth because he smelled like a herd of pigs. When Moses' staff touched his heart, he felt a twinge, but the twenty milligrams of cocaine coursing through his veins drowned out the fear and anxiety of death. More than that, he thought what was happening was just a vision in a drugged dream, and it was wonderful...

Jesus looked at Filip and said, "We don't know what to do with you, boy... Well, you see, you've wasted your life."

Filip was as aware of his vision as ever. He thought that if he told Beksa and Rudy what he'd seen, they'd shit themselves laughing.

"A hopeless case," Lucifer declared. "I haven't seen one like that in a long time. He has nothing to defend himself with. He probably doesn't know he's dead, only that it's a fucking dream.

" "Hey!" Filip was clearly shaken. "What did you say? Fucked? Am I hearing correctly?

" "That's what I said," Lucifer confirmed. "Fucking, fucking, or whatever the hell... er... it doesn't matter.

" "Like, it doesn't matter?" "Philip wouldn't let go. "Perhaps you'll tell me, old man..." He pointed to the first old man he came across, but he didn't react. It was God the Father, and he never spoke.

"Okay, please calm down!" Azazel shouted. "Do you know, Philip, why you're here?"

"Of course I know..." Philip opened his mouth but said nothing. For the first time, he thought something was wrong, that his vision had one serious inconsistency. He saw that he wasn't a blurry, sloppy apparition, but a crystal-clear image. Exactly. Crystal-clear, flawless. Flawless as... as... no, that couldn't be true...

"Okay... I am Jesus," Jesus said, "and these are the chosen, the damned." Jesus pointed to those on his right and left. "Next are the Angels, Satans, Philistines, Prophets... and others...

" "And God the Father," Pilate added.

- Yes, yes, God the Father, but he never speaks. - Jesus paused and pondered.

Azazel, seeing that the tallest one had lost the thread, began to explain further: "So..." he began, "you're here because you died. You died, and now you're here, in a place you practically invented yourself, but there's no time to explain everything. Right now we have to decide what to do with you.

" "Wait," Philip scratched his head, "you're a bunch of lunatics. Am I supposed to believe this is heaven?"

"No, Philip," Moses interjected, "this is your heaven."

The Philistine scribe, one of the Philistines, took a book from his back, wrote a few sentences in it, and winked

at Moses. The heaven motif always stuck, even with great philosophers. Apparently, only one didn't fall for it, but that was a long time ago. Lately, people have been swallowing everything; the earth hasn't been what it used to be.

"So," Philip seemed resigned to his fate, "so what are you going to do with me?"

"What are we going to do?" – Jesus woke up – you will be sentenced, and as soon as possible, I've had enough of losers like you.

– But… – Philip tried to say something.

– Unfortunately – Jesus continued – it's too late for any buts now, so forget it.

– What have I done?!!! – Philip didn't give up, but it was indeed too late.

At a sign from Jesus, two six-winged seraphim took

flight and hovered over Philip like powerful helicopters. Jesus rose from his throne and raised both hands. The seraphim grabbed Philip by the arms and legs, lifting him into the air like a rag puppet.

– No!!! You can't fucking do this to me!!!! – Philip screamed – I'm still too young!!!! Give me a chance!!! I'm begging you!!!

He started crying like a little child, though he didn't know what the seraphim really wanted to do to him. He thought that begging for mercy was perfectly appropriate, but then he began to have doubts because Jesus ordered him to be thrown into the abyss.

The abyss was exactly as he imagined it, like the inside of a mighty volcano, spewing fire and brimstone.

"It's exactly as you imagined, isn't it?" asked one of the Seraphim, the one holding his legs. "You won't feel a thing, don't worry.

" "What the FUCK!!!" Philip yelled. "Maybe you should jump into THIS VAT!!!

" "By the power given to me..." Jesus began. "We condemn you, Philip, you filthy drug addict and thief...

" "...and liar...

" Pilate interjected. "...and liar...

" Jesus repeated. "No!!!! NO!!!!1NOOOOOOO!!!!! " Philip yelled. "... we condemn...

to ...." "NOOOOO!!!" "...we condemn..." - NNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEE ...

The seraph closed Philip's mouth with one of his six wings, and the screams immediately ceased.

"That's better," Moses said.

The Philistine scribe continued to write in the great book, looking from Moses to God the Father to Jesus himself. His pen scratched incessantly across the papyrus pages, and now, when silence fell, only that steady, steady, irritating scratching could be heard.

"What are you still writing?" Jesus asked.

"I'm writing, sir," the Philistine replied, continuing to write.

"But surely no one's saying anything..." Jesus was surprised. "Can you answer my question about what you've just written in the Great Book of Destiny?"

The Philistine looked at the book and his face turned red, his pen dropped from his hand, and he began to sweat profusely.

"Answer my question," Jesus urged.

"I wrote that you gave him another chance, boss..." the Philistine said, hiding behind Judas.

"Well then..." Pilate said and sighed.

"I gave him a chance..." Jesus muttered. "I gave him a chance...

" "Sorry, boss..." the Philistine said in a trembling voice. "I sped off.

" "How many times do we have to explain to you, you idiot," Elijah exclaimed, "that nothing in the Great Book of Destiny can be corrected!!!!"

"Easy, Elijah," Jesus silenced him. "I've thought of something... Seraphim, bring him here." He ordered.

Philip, who had been hanging over the abyss in the Seraphim's arms the entire time, thought he was finished and was constantly reciting the Hail Marys in his mind. When he stood before the throne again, he fell to his knees and trembled with fear.

"Okay, okay..." Moses reassured him, patting his back. "You're lucky, that stupid Philistine saved you."

"He hasn't saved you yet," Jesus corrected him. "Maybe we'll give him a second chance, but not so soon."

"What did you write there, the last sentence... read me the last sentence," he said to the Philistine.

The Philistine had already regained his composure, for he was a tough guy, so he opened the Book of Destiny and read:

"On that day the Lord showed great mercy by giving a chance to the wretched worm... and had pity on him..." and here, Lord, you interrupted me," he said.

"Okay, now take and write down what I tell you... he had pity on him..." The Philistine listened carefully, wanting to write down word for word, because he knew it was his last chance to regain favor. "He had pity on him..." Jesus repeated, "saying that... he must guess what the Lord was doing before he came here... Stop writing!" he ordered the Philistine. "You see..." Jesus continued, "The angels and prophets wondered what I was doing for so long before I got here, so if you guess correctly, you'll get a second chance," Jesus said, smiling mischievously.

"And God only knows what you were doing!" – Philip blurted out.

God the Father nodded but said nothing.