May 26.

..

It was an early May morning, a Saturday to be precise. The sun was shining brightly outside, beckoning me to get outside. I didn't feel like it; I wanted to sleep in and spend some more time in bed, but I knew that was impossible. It was always like this: once I woke up and opened my eyes, I couldn't go back to sleep. I got out of bed and slowly made my way to the kitchen. When I entered, my gaze fell on a calendar with overdue pages. I decided I'd deal with that later; I needed to eat first, because my stomach was insistent. After breakfast, I made myself some coffee and sat down with it on the living room couch. I reached for the book on the coffee table and then remembered I was supposed to change the date on the calendar. I did so. I don't even know how I remembered what day of the week it was, but luckily I managed. I stared at the two-digit number that appeared on the page. May 26th. I couldn't remember the date, even though I knew it was very important. I was sure I'd forgotten something, and I felt a little embarrassed about it. I stared at that magical number for a moment longer, deciding that if it was truly important, I'd remember it during the day. I returned to the living room and sat down on the couch again. I reached for the book and opened it to the designated page. I looked at the number 26 again. I stared at it for about five minutes, and then it dawned on me. It was Mother's Day, a day I hadn't forgotten for 25 years. I couldn't forgive myself; it had previously been one of the most important holidays for me, and then I'd simply forgotten about it. I hadn't prepared anything for this day, I had nothing for my mother. I decided to just call and wish her a happy birthday. Better than nothing, I thought. I got up from the couch and went to the phone. I picked up the phone, dialed the number, and waited patiently for someone on the other end to answer.

"Maggie Scully, can I hear you?" After two rings, I heard my mother's voice.

"Hi Mom, I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day. I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I have so many things to do that I can't find the time. I'll catch up as soon as I can," I recited before my mother could ask me a question.

"Thank you, honey. You have nothing to apologize for, thank you for calling. Happy Mother's Day to you too. I know how much you miss her. See you next time. I have to go, someone just arrived. Bye." She didn't even wait for me to answer, she simply hung up. Maybe it was for the best, because I wouldn't have been able to do it anyway. What he said brought back all the painful memories of my daughter. Everything I'd so desperately wanted to forget. Everything that had left me in a state of utter despair and confusion. She reminded me of something no one should talk about in front of me. She did it unconsciously; I knew it, but it still hurt so terribly. I was in a daze, in shock—nothing registered. I only heard the phone receiver land on the floor with a terrible thud. I decided I definitely needed a shower. I wanted to regain some control over my body, but she decided cold water would be the best solution. I went into the bathroom, quickly undressed, and stepped into the shower. I felt the cold water running over my skin. It was slowly chilling my body. I could hear my teeth chattering from the cold. It seemed the water was getting colder with each passing second, turning icy. I looked at my hands, which were starting to turn blue. I knew that for my own good, I should turn off the water, get out of the shower, and warm myself up as quickly as possible, but on the other hand, I wanted to experience as much pain as possible. I needed it. Pain was an ally; when I felt it, I knew I was alive, and then I also wanted to be sure I was still in this world. I needed a stimulus to reassure me. A stimulus to make it clear that, even though I felt I'd long since left this gray and boring world, I was still here and had to do something. Shivers ran through my body, and my teeth chattered mercilessly. I moved my stiff shoulder and felt a wave of pain shoot through it. I turned off the water with a numb hand. I was so clumsy I accidentally lost some toiletries from the shelf. I didn't worry about it; it wasn't important. One of the glass bottles must have broken, because I felt tiny glass crystals digging into my feet. I didn't worry about that either; I barely felt it; it was just a tingling sensation that didn't bother me at all. I dried myself off and then wrapped a towel around myself. I slowly walked from the bathroom to the bedroom. When I turned to close the door behind me, I saw traces of blood on the cream tiles. I slowly walked to the bed and sat down. I looked at the carpet, which also bore red footprints. It was old and fit only for the trash, and I decided that when I felt better, I would deal with it immediately. I got up and went to the window, lowered the blinds, and the room was plunged into darkness.I pulled an oversized T-shirt from the drawer and put it on. I snuggled under the covers and tried to sleep. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw her – Emily. I couldn't bear it, couldn't bear the image of her calm expression in the face of death. Her tearful eyes, brimming with hope. Faith in me, in my belief that I would save her, that I would protect her from death. God only knows how much I wanted to do it. But I couldn't. All my medical knowledge, everything I'd devoted so many years of my life to, had failed me. I felt as if the years I'd devoted to medicine were wasted, unnecessary, and full of sacrifices for me and my loved ones. Tears began to flow down my cheeks. They were salty and hot. They burned my frozen cheeks, I felt them burning their way down my face. Waves of despair and bitterness coursed through my body. I didn't know why the world was so unfair and cruel. I couldn't understand how a small, innocent, defenseless child could die when so many criminals wandered the world who deserved to die in agony. They should have ended their lives the way Emily had. She was brave then; not a single tear rolled down her cheek – I cried for her. I didn't have the strength and perseverance she possessed in her small body. I didn't know where she found it, but I envied her. I so desperately wanted to be strong then and not let on how much I was suffering. I should have been strong for her. I was furious with myself for not being able to, for giving in at the most crucial moment. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I was starting to shiver with cold. I felt the effects of the cold shower and began mentally berating myself for my stupidity… I heard the phone ring, and instead of picking up the receiver, she ripped the power cord from the wall. Instantly, there was silence. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone began. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. First, I rejected the call, then turned off my phone. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it… I rolled over and pulled the covers tight around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out some sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then, I wanted so badly to fall asleep and forget about everything around me… I took three. That was a really heavy dose for me. I fell asleep instantly…In which hope was woven. Faith in me, in my belief that I would save her, that I would protect her from death. God only knows how much I wanted to do it. But I couldn't. All my medical knowledge, everything I had devoted so many years of my life to, had failed me. I felt as if the years I had devoted to medicine were wasted, unnecessary, and full of sacrifices for me and my loved ones. Tears began to flow down my cheeks. They were salty and hot. They burned my frozen cheeks, I felt them burning their way down my face. Waves of despair and bitterness coursed through my body. I didn't know why the world was so unjust and cruel. I couldn't understand how a small, innocent, defenseless child could die when so many criminals wandered the world, who deserved to die in agony. They should have ended their lives the way Emily had. She was brave then, and Anie didn't shed a single tear – I cried for her. I didn't have the strength or perseverance she possessed in her small body. I didn't know where she got it from, but I envied her. I so desperately wanted to be strong then and not let on how much I was suffering. I should have been that way for her. I was furious with myself for not being able to, for giving in at the most crucial moment. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I was starting to shiver with cold. I felt the effects of the cold shower and began mentally berating myself for my stupidity… I heard the phone ring, and instead of picking it up, she ripped the power cord from the wall. Instantly, there was silence. I didn't want to talk to anyone. A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. First, I rejected the call, then turned off the phone. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it... I rolled over and pulled the covers tight around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out some sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then I wanted so badly to fall asleep and forget about everything around me... I took three. That was a really high dose for me. I fell asleep instantly...In which hope was woven. Faith in me, in my belief that I would save her, that I would protect her from death. God only knows how much I wanted to do it. But I couldn't. All my medical knowledge, everything I had devoted so many years of my life to, had failed me. I felt as if the years I had devoted to medicine were wasted, unnecessary, and full of sacrifices for me and my loved ones. Tears began to flow down my cheeks. They were salty and hot. They burned my frozen cheeks, I felt them burning their way down my face. Waves of despair and bitterness coursed through my body. I didn't know why the world was so unjust and cruel. I couldn't understand how a small, innocent, defenseless child could die when so many criminals wandered the world, who deserved to die in agony. They should have ended their lives the way Emily had. She was brave then, and Anie didn't shed a single tear – I cried for her. I didn't have the strength or perseverance she possessed in her small body. I didn't know where she got it from, but I envied her. I so desperately wanted to be strong then and not let on how much I was suffering. I should have been that way for her. I was furious with myself for not being able to, for giving in at the most crucial moment. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I was starting to shiver with cold. I felt the effects of the cold shower and began mentally berating myself for my stupidity… I heard the phone ring, and instead of picking it up, she ripped the power cord from the wall. Instantly, there was silence. I didn't want to talk to anyone. A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. First, I rejected the call, then turned off the phone. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it... I rolled over and pulled the covers tight around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out some sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then I wanted so badly to fall asleep and forget about everything around me... I took three. That was a really high dose for me. I fell asleep instantly...Waves of despair and bitterness coursed through my body. I didn't know why the world was so unjust and cruel. I couldn't understand how a small, innocent, defenseless child could die when so many criminals who deserved to die in agony roamed the world. They should have ended their lives the way Emily had. She was brave then; not a single tear rolled down her cheek—I cried for her. I didn't have the strength and perseverance she possessed in her small body. I didn't know where she found it, but I envied her. I so desperately wanted to be strong then and not let on how much I was suffering. I should have been strong for her. I was furious with myself for not being able to, for giving in at the most crucial moment. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I was starting to shiver with cold. I was feeling the effects of the cold shower and began mentally berating myself for my stupidity… I heard the phone ring, and instead of picking it up, she ripped the power cord from the wall. There was an instant silence. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone began. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. I first rejected the call and then turned the phone off. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it… I rolled over and pulled the covers tightly around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out my sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then, I wanted so badly to fall asleep and forget about everything around me… I took three. That was a really high dose for me. I fell asleep instantly…Waves of despair and bitterness coursed through my body. I didn't know why the world was so unjust and cruel. I couldn't understand how a small, innocent, defenseless child could die when so many criminals who deserved to die in agony roamed the world. They should have ended their lives the way Emily had. She was brave then; not a single tear rolled down her cheek—I cried for her. I didn't have the strength and perseverance she possessed in her small body. I didn't know where she found it, but I envied her. I so desperately wanted to be strong then and not let on how much I was suffering. I should have been strong for her. I was furious with myself for not being able to, for giving in at the most crucial moment. I pulled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I was starting to shiver with cold. I was feeling the effects of the cold shower and began mentally berating myself for my stupidity… I heard the phone ring, and instead of picking it up, she ripped the power cord from the wall. There was an instant silence. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone began. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. I first rejected the call and then turned the phone off. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it… I rolled over and pulled the covers tightly around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out my sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then, I wanted so badly to fall asleep and forget about everything around me… I took three. That was a really high dose for me. I fell asleep instantly…A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. I first rejected the call and then turned off my phone. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it… I rolled over and pulled the covers tight around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out some sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then I was so desperate to fall asleep and forget about everything around me… I took three. That was a really heavy dose for me. I fell asleep instantly…A second later, the irritating sound of my cell phone rang. I glanced at the screen. Mulder was the one trying to call me. He was the last person I wanted to talk to. I first rejected the call and then turned off my phone. I couldn't talk to him, I couldn't stand his calm tone and his damned composure when he talked to me. I couldn't stand it… I rolled over and pulled the covers tight around me. I felt a throbbing pain in my feet. It was all because of those damn cuts. I reached into the drawer and pulled out some sleeping pills. I normally took one, but right then I was so desperate to fall asleep and forget about everything around me… I took three. That was a really heavy dose for me. I fell asleep instantly…

Something was definitely wrong. I tried calling her home. There wasn't even a dial tone, then a woman politely told me the subscriber line was down. When I called for the fifteenth time and heard the same woman, God knows I was about to try to set up a date with her, just to see what the owner of such a sensual voice looked like. After twenty-odd attempts and the same number of responses from this woman, I gave up calling her home phone and switched to her cell phone. With the same result. Except I left a message on her voicemail several times and asked her to call back. I waited patiently for her call. Patience had never been my strong suit. I kept nervously shifting a basketball from hand to hand. I stared at the phone like a carp at a painted gate, waiting for it to ring. I checked the dial tone several times, worried that something might be broken and Scully wouldn't be able to reach me. I was desperate, beginning to fear that something had happened to her. That I hadn't kept an eye on her yet again, that I'd let her mother down yet again. And then it hit me. It was May 26th, Mother's Day. Scully could have gone to see her and not taken her cell phone from home, and the line might have been damaged. I grabbed the phone and dialed her mother's number. He answered immediately. He might also have been waiting for a call from Dana. I asked if he'd seen her. He replied that he hadn't, that they were just talking on the phone because of their injuries, and that she'd made a terrible mistake. She wanted to apologize to her daughter, but every time he tried to call her, she got the same message I was getting. I told her not to worry and that I'd go to Dana's right away and check on her. When I spoke with Mrs. Scully, I tried to remain calm, but the moment the phone dropped, I grabbed my keys and documents and ran out of the apartment. I got in my car and screeched towards Dana's apartment. I got there faster than usual, it was record time. I ran up the stairs and didn't even think to knock. I unlocked the door with my keys and slowly walked inside. The living room was unmarked. Everything was in its place, as always. I checked one by one: the kitchen, the living room, or rather, her study—the desk, the computer, the piles of papers, the bathroom. That's where I really got scared. There were bloodstains on the tiles. They were in the shape of a foot. Scully must have injured her legs, I just didn't know what from. I went into the bathroom and looked in the shower. I found the cause—broken glass. I just didn't know how she could have been so careless as to cut both her feet on them and then walk into the bedroom in that condition. I had to check her room. I was sure she was inside, but I was afraid of what I might find there. I walked in slowly, and immediately my eyes landed on a small figure curled up on the bed. I walked over to her and sat down next to her. She was so calm.My gaze fell on the nightstand. An open bottle of sleeping pills lay there, and worst of all, only two pills remained. "Oh no, Scully, please don't." I started to panic. I shook her gently, hoping she would wake up. I repeated this several times, each time with more force and determination. I managed to wake her. She looked at me with a dull look and fell back onto the pillow.

"Leave me alone," she said.

"Scully, what happened?

" "Nothing, I felt like sleeping, so I took some pills—I mean, powder—and went to bed. I fell asleep, and you woke me up," she said, turning her back to me.

"And your legs? Scully, show me your feet, do you need to take the glass out of them?" I asked, but in response, all I heard was her sobbing, muffled by the pillow. I didn't really know what to do. On the one hand, I wanted to lie down behind her and cuddle up to her, but I was afraid that something like that might be too close for her. I put my hand on her shoulder.

"I didn't even have a chance to enjoy her," she whispered through her tears. I knew who she was talking about. It was one of the topics we barely discussed. It was off-limits. I felt so sorry for her then. He seemed so small and defenseless, just like Emily had a few months ago. I didn't say a word, waiting patiently for her to tell me everything she wanted. I didn't want to push, because then she might withdraw into herself and suffer alone, and that was never good.

"I didn't get to watch her first step, her first smile. I couldn't hear her first word. I never changed her diapers, breastfed her, or carried her in my womb. She was the only child I could have, I was my little daughter, and now she's gone. They took her away from me. She died and was gone forever. I miss her so much, I miss her so much, even though I was with her for such a short time." Each word was preceded by loud breathing. I had to give her a sense of security. "

When she was next to me, I felt like I had someone to live for, I felt like I wasn't alone," she whispered, and I noticed she calmed down a bit. I took off my shoes and lay down behind her. I snuggled against her back, my hands resting on her stomach. I buried my face in her hair. They smelled so sweet, carrying her scent.

"You're not alone now either." I forced myself to say something. I felt her heart speed up.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"I'm with you and I'll never leave you. I know this isn't the right time and it's not how I imagined it, but I have to tell you this because I don't know if I'll find the courage later. I love you." I whispered in her ear like it was the greatest secret on earth. I felt her turn to me, and a second later I was looking into her beautiful blue eyes. They were full of tears, but besides sadness, there was hope. I wanted so badly for that hope to turn into faith and happiness.

"Are you serious?" she asked, and I just nodded and kissed her. I'd been waiting so long to kiss her sweet, full, red lips. She returned it, but after a moment, she stopped. I wasn't surprised; I understood that she might even be angry with me for taking advantage of her moment of weakness. I expected an outburst of anger, or at least a sarcastic word, but as always, she surprised me. She snuggled into me, one hand gently brushing a strand of hair from my forehead.

"Will you stay with me?" she asked quietly.

"As long as you don't tell me to get out of your life." She smiled, and that was exactly what I wanted. I loved the moments when she laughed so much; it was a shame they were so rare. I knew I had to change that. "Get some more sleep," I whispered, and I felt myself slowly drifting away to the land of Morpheus. About fifteen minutes later, I was practically certain she'd fallen asleep. My eyes were starting to droop, so I let them.

"I love you," I heard her soft, sleepy voice. I didn't want to say anything, so I just smiled and let myself fall asleep… I hoped everything would work out…