Razor Blade - Ending

I'm already at the center. I haven't written anything more because I haven't been separated from Łukasz, so I haven't had time to open my diary, let alone write anything. I'm surprised I still had the strength to kiss  It's already 8:00 PM. In two hours, I'll be experiencing my first time with a guy who is currently my whole world. How I love him. I can't imagine life without him. He's very caring, attentive, and knows perfectly what mood I'm in and when it's the right time for a kiss. On top of all that, he's incredibly handsome. What more could you want??? Well, nothing... And that's why I'm completely convinced that Łukasz is the perfect candidate for my first time with him. I just don't know if he knows I'm a virgin. I guess not... Well, he'll find out 

I leave... I'm ready. Showered, smelling of Zmora's perfume. I don't have my own, so she lent me hers. It smells really nice, I think Łukasz and I will like it too... Zmora lent me good luck... She'll also have sex with Michał, but it's nothing new for her. I just don't know where because our room is occupied, and the boys' room... you know... So I'm going.... I'm a little scared... But I love him!!!!!!!

06, 07, 2004

And we did it. The first time, despite Łukasz's extraordinary gentleness, was painful for me. What's more, when we woke up in the morning, the sheets were all covered in blood. Łukasz was terribly surprised that I was a virgin. He just said, "Oh my, baby, I didn't know..." and folded the sheets. That night was very long... Maybe it's best if I start from the beginning:

When I entered Łukasz's room, Olek was still there. He wasn't the only one who wanted to leave. He said it was his room and he wouldn't be spending the night in a corner because Łukasz wanted to fuck another lass. Łukasz, of course, remained calm and whispered something in Olek's ear, after which he immediately left the room. When he left, he just said, "Good luck, Kalina..." I don't understand this guy at all... but oh well. When we were alone, Łukasz asked if I was ready. I naturally said yes. So he started kissing me slowly, laying me on his bed. His kisses were incredibly tender and gentle. Then he started pulling up my nightgown... His hands roamed all over my body... Then it felt good... unfortunately, only then. Actually, when Łukasz started... well... literally making love to me, meaning when he was inside me, it wasn't pleasant at all... it caused me a lot of pain... I hope the next time won't be so painful. I don't know how long we made love... But for me, it lasted forever. This morning, I woke up covered in blood... And I went back to my room before the wake-up call, so the teacher wouldn't catch me. Now I'm sitting here writing. There are still 20 minutes left until my wake-up call. I've already showered. I see Zmora cuddling with Michał, and Marcin with his roommate. I just don't know where Olek is. I'm finishing writing... I'll get dressed and wait for everyone to get up.

What to write? - I don't know.

What to say? - I don't know

. What to think? - I don't know.

What I feel now? - I don't know.

Why is he doing this to me? - I don't know

. I don't know anything anymore! I know tears are streaming down my cheeks, and it's hard for me to write... Łukasz... God, I don't know what he's doing...

I gave myself to him, and he simply ignored me at first, and now he's humiliating me. I have no idea what he's doing... I love him so much. And what am I supposed to write to you, my friend-diary? How he treats me, step by step? I don't know if I can manage...the paper is already soaking wet...But I'll write...because I have no one else to complain to....After all, I have no one to complain to....Why? Exactly....why?

My beautiful son was always waiting for me in the mornings, and we'd go hiking together. Today he didn't wait...he left...He just walked out of his room, bypassing my door. But of course, I didn't care. I was hoping someone was calling him, or he'd somehow forgotten, or he was in a bad mood.

Of course, I was wrong. I left the room alone, and he was standing there talking to another girl.... I went up to them to say hello... after all, we had so much in common tonight.... I said, "Hello, honey," and smiled like I always do.... And Łukasz... He... simply turned his head the other way and ignored me... started talking about that Nadia or whatever her name is.... It hurts, doesn't it? Of course it does... but that's nothing...

I didn't know what he was talking about... I had no idea... we went to the mountains... he kept talking to Nadia... Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and approached them. It went something like this:

Me: "Łukasz, what's that supposed to mean... what are you talking about?"

He: "Hey, sorry, can't you see I'm busy? If you want something, wait..." I'm talking.

"I'm not going to wait, Łukasz, I want to talk to you right now!" "

I'm not going to talk to you, go away, you're bothering us..." "Bye !" "

I'm not going!"

"Fuck, don't you get it, bitch, that I don't feel like chatting with you?" "

I'm listening, who am I?

" "That's what you heard, now get out of here!"

So I went... I went to sit next to Zmora and Michał... I was sobbing... Zmora asked what was going on... I told her... I told her our entire conversation... She said, "Oh, Kalka, you're worried... No, Łukasz, he'll be different... I said, leave him alone, he's like that and he won't change..."

I left them alone. I went to the escarpment... I stared blankly at the mountain landscape. To think that last year on that same escarpment I'd had long conversations with Ida... I was happy. Jesus, what have they done to me? I'm nothing, a nobody, I'm at rock bottom, and that's it. Łukasz simply deceived me. I was just a temporary toy for him. I'm sorry I didn't believe you, Olek. My eyes are all red... How can I give an outlet for this sadness and pain? I know, I know... I'll get the razor blade out of my kit for Mom. I'll cut myself and forget about him and the fact that I'm a failure and have no one left.

There's blood everywhere. They all went drinking. I didn't feel the slightest desire to talk to them. I cried, and no one cared. They went drinking. Everyone here looks out for themselves. They're only friends on the surface. I have exactly 10 scars around my wrist. I even felt better for a moment. I felt nothing but pain. Only a different pain than the one I feel now. God, how many questions I have for you. Why? Why did all this happen to me? I'll run a razor blade across my hand again. It seems like the only solution.

In the middle of the night, a knock on the door woke me up. No, it wasn't Zmora or anyone else in the room. It was Olek:

"Hey

." "Hey...

" "Oh, fuck, so much blood... Tracing paper, did you cut yourself?!?!

And you're surprised?

" "Yes. Because it doesn't make sense. Don't worry about that idiot!!!"

- But I care and I will care... (burst of tears)

- Kaluś... don't cut yourself...

- I lost my virginity to him!!! And I'm a slut. I don't have anyone. I'm going, I lost it. Nobody needs me (Crying, I looked for a razor blade)

- Kalka, you need me...

- Who needs you anyway?

- Me. I love you.

- What?

- I love you. So much.

- But, Olek

- No, Kalka, it doesn't matter anymore. Right at the beginning, when I tried to separate you from Łukasz, I realized I had no chance... It was hard, but it's hard. And now don't cry...

- Hard? Olka, so I hurt you, and you really loved me?

- Yes, Kalka... but it's not important

- It's important!

- No

- Leave me alone, I want to sleep. Get out!!!

- But...

- Please....

- Okay... don't cry anymore and don't cut yourself...

I cried...

07/07/2004

God, how much I've wasted myself. I've done so many stupid things, made so many mistakes... It's over... THE END!!! I'm gone... you cut me off and didn't put me in the water, Łukasz... Why?? I'm asking, why did you do this to me??? One day after we started making love was enough, and you've already brought me to this state... Just one day. Just a few of your words were enough... words—wounds that never heal... This is the end of me... There's only one way out...

"Please, ma'am. Can I leave the center for a moment and go to the store?"

"Fine, just be back for dinner..."

She walked quickly down the crowded street. She passed people who, turning around and whispering behind her, whispered something. But she didn't care. The wind ruffled her blond hair. Tears streamed down her cheeks. And her sea eyes were more sea-blue than usual. There was so much pain, suffering, hatred in them.

She stood on the roof of a skyscraper. The wind tugged at her hair more fiercely. Her heart was beating so hard, as if it was desperately trying to get air. As if her body were too small. She stopped crying... A smile appeared on her beautiful face. She approached the edge. She was happy. Finally, the suffering would end. No one would hurt her anymore, she would hurt no one else. She no longer had the strength to play games. She didn't want to change.

She took the first step.

"To you, Mom." For not understanding me, for not trying, or perhaps not wanting to love me.

Then another one.

"And this one is for you, Łukasz. You have to understand that you can't do that and hurt so much."

The next one was for her friend

. "For losing you so quickly..."

"Another one is for Olek...", who truly loved her.

Taking the fourth step, she stopped. She burst into a fit of sobbing. Tears streamed down her face. Her long eyelashes were sticking together, and dark streams of tears mixed with mascara ran down her cheeks, leaving dark marks.

"This one is for me. Because I couldn't live and cope on my own. I'm not cut out for this..." She took a step. The last step forward in her life.

She fell lightly. She cried, but she had a smile on her face. A roar pierced the noisy street...

"Oh God! Call an ambulance!" A woman screamed, sobbing...

And she lay limp amidst the throng of onlookers. Screams and wails echoed around her, and she lay there peacefully. Blood slowly flowed from her mouth and nose. A red stream pierced the blond strands of her hair. Her open eyes seemed still alive, but it was only an illusion. To think that only a single day would be enough to realize what she had done... Because, after all, "It's never too late to start wasting your life..."