Dear Ida!
You know... I've been thinking about a few things lately. I met some great people at summer camp. They're really great, but... so different from you.... That's why, despite our long-time friendship, I think it's best to end it. Look, now you're just a good girl to me. Like millions of others. And they? They're simply the best!!! So... hmm... unique? Different?, unrepeatable? In any case, I think it's best for us to break up.
I'm sorry, I hope you understand...
Kalina:
I wrote just such a letter with the help of Zmora and Łukasz. I couldn't send it. Zmora took the envelope and put it in the mailbox. I really don't know how Ida will react... I just hope she understands...
Łukasz is very caring to me... he held my hand the entire way to the mountains... only Olek was looking at him as if he was about to hit him... I don't know why he reacts like that... He's probably jealous... that's what Łukasz says... I'm really glad that Łukasz is my boyfriend... he hasn't officially asked about it, but he is... I know it... He makes me aware of it... with his gestures, with his words.
I bought beer and wine on the trip... there's going to be drinking today... and I smoked a few cigarettes while writing the letter... I'm not even choking anymore... I was going to call my parents from a phone booth... but they convinced me that summer camp is for a break from my parents, not to talk to them... they're right... I'm tired of them and listening to their arguments... I'm relaxing, I'm not calling...
Since I got back from the trip, I've been listening to metal with Zmora... great music... now I'm getting ready for a night out and drinking!!!
Wine and beer rulez!!!!!... the phase after them is even worse!!!!
Cigarettes aren't bad either!!!!
02, 2004
Well, that's what happened last night... Łukasz told me he loved me about a hundred times a minute, and we kissed... even Olek stopped scowling at him. I think he's starting to tolerate our relationship. We drank like crazy yesterday. Marcin was the fastest, I was last, Łukasz was second. As for pipes, it's not bad... I smoke like them... a lot and often... I don't choke at all anymore... I even stopped feeling guilty about Ida... oh well, my current friends are better... and in a moment there's a long trip to the mountains... I don't want to anymore...
My legs are hurting so much....I'm going to have sore muscles....I'm a little pissed at Łukasz...he was chatting with some girls the whole way. They're his age...they were just laughing...their giggles were getting on my nerves...I told Zmora about it...she just said she wasn't surprised by the situation...."That's all Łukasz..." Well, that's all Łukasz. I understand he likes girls, but let's not exaggerate... I decided not to talk to him until he apologizes... for now he just asks what's wrong with me and why I'm so silent... he tried to kiss me but I turned my head away... he was surprised... I hope he'll figure out what I'm mad about... Zmora gave me a pentagram around my neck... she said that now that I listen to metal I can start wearing it... but I can't go to church while I'm wearing it... but Zmora says that Satan is better... well, better... from today on, I'm practicing Satan worship together with Zmora... even though it's just a sign on my neck... because we won't be going to a black mass... Zmora says that black masses are too obligatory... In short, I avoid church... masses too
03,07,2004
Yesterday late in the evening I made up with Łukasz... it's true that Zmora told him what I was mad about, but what There...the most important thing is that he apologized and said, "That was the last time, baby, don't be mad." We kissed to make up, and everything's fine. Today we have a day off from hiking in the mountains. It's pouring rain outside. It's actually great because I'll be able to spend some time alone with Łukasz for a while.
Olek and Łukasz got a few bottles of beer for the evening. And it'll be nice to have something to drink, but for now, we've been playing spin the bottle with kissing. Our whole group, plus another group of just boys, and four girls joined in. I only kissed Łukasz once. And then there were some other guys...of course, it was just a regular kiss. Łukasz was the exception...we kissed long and passionately.... Even when Łukasz was about to kiss other girls, he just gave them a peck on the cheek and that was it. Overall, even though it was without alcohol, it was awesome :D. Dinner was soon served, so everyone went to their rooms. After dinner, we meet again... I wonder what we'll do this time... I think it'll be something positively crazy.
And just as I thought, it was great!!!!!! We talked, told jokes... actually, I have blonde hair, and almost all of them were about blondes..., but right at the beginning they said that all the blonde girls shouldn't be offended, so it's all cool ::: And in the evening, a little drinking because we only managed a few beers : Łukasz said he needs to have a serious talk with me... I'm already scared... him and a serious conversation... mmm... we'll see what he says... he's not offended at me for something, is he???
04, 07, 2004
Oh my God, after yesterday's conversation with Łukasz, I'm completely lost... Łukasz wants more than just going out and kissing. He asked me yesterday to... make love to him.... I don't know what to say.... and I'm supposed to give him the answer tonight.... I'll ask Zmora for advice.... well, I'm still a virgin, so I have a lot to lose. The only thing I don't have to worry about is pregnancy because Łukasz will already have taken appropriate precautions.... as he says, he doesn't want to have a child at this age... I don't know what to do... all I have left is Zmora's advice... I hope it's accurate...
I asked Zmora...
"Listen, Zmora, I have a question...
" "Come on.
" Łukasz proposed something... I don't know what to do... will you help me?
" "Of course... always to you. But what exactly did he propose?
" "He asked... if I wanted to have sex with him...
" "Well, well, well... little one...
" "Well, I don't know if I should agree...
" "Are you still a virgin?"
- Yes
- Seriously?!?! I didn't know.... Łukasz knows??
- No
- Hmmmm.... do you love him??
- Yes.... I think so....
- Well, come on, we have to try it sometime, right?
- Well, you're right, but I don't know if it's not too early
- You know, I lost my virginity at 14....
- With Michał??
- No... it wasn't Michał....
- Do you regret it?
- No, what are you talking about... it was nice
- Why aren't you with him anymore?
- Because I met Michał....
- So it wasn't Michał you did it with for the first time??
- Well... but he wasn't a virgin either....
- Łukasz has done it before??
- (very loud laughter) Baby, don't ask such stupid questions... it's obvious that Łukasz has had his first time a long time ago.... (laughter)
- Well, uh... so clear
- So do whatever you want... just... don't regret it....
- I hope I won't
- You know, it depends... if you're sentimental and romantic, you might regret doing it for the first time with Łukasz....
- Why not?
- Hmmmm... well, let's say Łukasz is very unsentimental....
And so our conversation ended.... I still don't know what to do... I don't understand Zmora, what's going on with me that I might regret it if I do it for the first time with Łukasz... I only have a few hours to reply... Now I'm sitting alone in my room by the window, outside which it's pouring down like a bucket... The falling rain doesn't seem to want to show me any answers... My heart is pointing in one direction... My mind in another... I love him, but at the same time I'm afraid to give myself to him completely... I think Ida could be useful now... I have her phone number... I'll call and ask... maybe despite this letter she'll agree to help me... she's still at home... she's leaving for horse camp in two days... I'll get a card, go to a phone booth and try, maybe she won't be mad... but even if she does... I'll have to break up with her later anyway... it's tough... I need to get her advice... I'll explain a few things to her along the way... including why I have to break up with her. contact....will understand....She will definitely....
I called....
- Good morning, this is Kalina...is Ida perhaps?
- Good morning, Kalina...Ida? Yes, sir...you just have to wait a moment because she's in the stable right now...I'll call her in a moment.
- Okay, I'll wait.
- Hello
- Hi, Ida...it's...
- I know who's talking...I'm just wondering why you're calling me...did you want to break off contact?
- Yes, I know...sorry...
- Damn, Kalka, what the hell is wrong with you?? Better company??!! Probably worse...because of them, you're hitting rock bottom!! Am I too polite to you?? So what are they doing?? Do they drink, smoke, maybe even do drugs...Kalina, you've always been disgusted by drinking!!
- But...they...
- But what are they?? Are they unique, like you wrote in your letter?? Stop it, you're embarrassing yourself... You probably do the same as them... that is, you drink, you smoke, I hope you don't do drugs...
- I don't touch drugs... They don't either
- Well, okay. But smoking and drinking, yes??
- Well... sometimes...
- You know, Kalka, if you think it's okay... you're dead wrong... what kind of company have you fallen into?... Do you think you're better now??? You know you're not at all... you're worse, much worse... please, do something about yourself... when you get back from summer camp... we absolutely have to talk... and you'll have to break up with them and go to rehab or something....
- I... I have a boyfriend... I love him...
- Apparently he doesn't deserve your love if he's dragging you down to the very bottom with him...
- Ida, there's something... I want your advice... it's important
- Come on... I've always given you advice...
- Well... and always on point...
- Well, I hope it's on point now too... come on... what's the matter?
- Listen.... Łukasz.... the guy I love.... proposed to me and I don't know what to tell him...
- What did he propose to you??
- He wants to have sex with me....
- What??!!?! Love.... you're only 15 and a virgin.... I hope you won't agree....
- When I love him.... and he's experienced.... he's 17... and he's already done it... he'll definitely use protection...
- Well, experienced... so that says even worse about him!!!! He'll probably break up with you once you do it
- No, he's not like that!!
- And how can you know what he's like... You've only known him for a few days....
- Well, a few days.... but I know he won't do that....
- You know, Kalka, I'll tell you this... You smoke, drink, want to have sex with someone... after knowing him for a few days... you're only 15 and you do things that older people never dream of.... In my opinion, you should really think about yourself and your actions... Don't do anything you'll regret later....
- Thanks... Ida.... but... I... I think I'll do it anyway... I love him....
- No!!!! Kalka!!!!!!, you're 15... don't do that... kissing should be enough for you...
- No!! Ida....I have to go....bye
. And I hung up the phone....I couldn't listen to this, it's my life....She won't die for me, so she has no right to tell me how to live....I agree...Because I love him...it will be alright....it has to be....I'm going to tell him...he'll probably be happy.... I'm happy too...We'll live happily together for a long time
- Honey, I've decided...
- Tya?? And what have you decided, little one?
- I think I want you to be the person I want to experience this with...
- That's great, little one...when will we do it ?
-When you want ...
-As soon as possible for me.
-So when?
-Can it be tomorrow? Tonight?
-OK.
-When it's quiet, come to my room, no one will be there. I'll make them spend the night in another room...we'll be alone...
-Great...and will you think about protection?
- Oh, of course, little one, leave this matter to me.
- Wonderful.... I love you.
- And I love you, little one.
And so it all ends... This time tomorrow I'll be with Łukasz.... I hope I'm right, not Ida....
05/07/2004
It's not raining anymore today. We're going on a hike in a moment. The lady said we're going to the very top. Actually, the weather is nice because it's neither hot nor cold. Well... that doesn't really suit me because tonight is a big moment in my life, and I don't want to be tired. Łukasz is already waiting for me, so I have to hurry. I'll take my diary with me to write during longer stops.
Finally! After two hours of walking, they're giving us a longer break. Łukasz held my hand for the entire two hours, and when I was having a hard time, he dragged me along. Now Zmora, Michał, and Olek are playing cards. I didn't want to play with them. He's exhausted. Łukasz went to buy another bottle of water because we'd run out. Thinking about how much love he has for me, I'm becoming increasingly convinced that I won't regret tonight. I just see my beautiful son walking with the bottle of water. So I finish and pray for survival until the next stop.
And another few minutes of rest. I'm so tired... I don't even have the energy to write. I don't even know where Łukasz is; he's lost sight of me. He's probably on a smoke or gone to the restroom. Next time, in about another two hours, we'll be at the summit and we'll have dinner there. Honestly, I don't have the energy to eat or do anything except lie on a bench and write in my diary, although that's difficult for me too. And here we go again....
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