I've fallen in love

. This isn't my first time. I thought I loved. But now, alone, I'm paralyzed. I don't think about her anymore. I think only about her. I get chills, tears run down my cheeks, I've drowned. I don't know what to do. I'll tell her, even though it's pointless. She'll probably say we shouldn't meet. She'll say it's too intense and dangerous. Apparently, I can't, that's what she says. My strength is failing. My eyes are swelling. I can't move. Tears drip, drip. I'm a loser in life. I love so intensely. It tears, complicates an already miserable life. My heart is cold. That 23 was a warning, not an encouragement. It's like diving. I submerge, it's wonderful. But it's only a moment. I'm running out of air. I want to stay underwater. I surface and splash again. It hurts so much. But I do it again. I'm trying to go deeper and deeper, it's already very dangerous. The pressure is shattering my head. It's darker down there. Dark, cold, and with no light at the end. At the bottom, there's only darkness. No hope. There's the end. My end. At any moment, I could touch it and fly away, I don't know where, or if anywhere. What you've been craving all your life, but you're afraid to admit it to yourself, lurks there. Death, you finally said that word. Isn't it wonderful? People dream of peace. And she offers it freely. You just have to make up your mind. Give her your hand. It's a simple, effective solution. And those are supposedly the best. You'll hurt your loved ones. Mom will cry. There's one happiness. Only one. They say there are happy people. But on the other hand, the world is full of people who lie. They know how to lie to themselves, let alone to others. People are proud of their complex and creative nature. Yet little is said about their self-destructive tendencies. Perhaps Hitler was a good man, but somewhere in his youth, a problem arose that he couldn't solve. The explosion struck with such force that it couldn't be stopped. His life and his perception of the world consumed the lives of many people. People who had sorrows and desires. They wanted to begin something and then end it. To change and endure. Loneliness from time to time, why not? Its enormity overwhelms us. We are beasts who live in herds. We sometimes look at the phone. Hmm, someone could call. And when it rang, I wanted something else. Why didn't she call? It's for her that I want to live. And what if I know in advance that nothing will come of it? Something else is simply written somewhere in the stars. You are to wallow in a lonely room like yourself. Discover the bitterness of the deepest of feelings. Feel them with your whole body. Learn how it can kick you and overwhelm you. And so many songs have been written about it. A universal theme. An effective driving force. You move a mountain, you run for a star in the sky. It's wonderful. Yet your situation turns out to be strange. A moment later, you add: My entire self has drowned. My entire self is one great desire. It's great, it convinces you. Go to her.Touch her wonderful lips. You remember how she smells. Nothing on earth smells more sweet than her. You know you'll go. You'll meet. It will be wonderful. A moment of heavenly ecstasy. You'll kiss. Oh, how you love those kisses. Nothing tastes like her. Her warmth is captivating. You dream of waking up next to her someday. She looks like a candy factory when she's asleep. Those eyes and everything. That image will forever remain in your mind. The image is just a memory. Reality is constantly changing. The world changes, people change, time marches on. Perhaps that's why people love objects so much. They're fragile, sometimes made of glass, but we're sure that if we take care of them, they'll stay with us. We hide them, they'll be there; they won't say it's not the same anymore. That something is truly over. Gone, irrevocably and without reason. Perhaps that's why we love money so much. We can protect ourselves. We can arrange the world according to our own desires and whims. But the unpredictability of love gives it a huge advantage. It's unannounced. It surprises your life the moment you're setting up some building blocks. You're building something, you say proudly. And then, trick or treat, she came. She walked in without knocking. She sits with you late into the night. She constantly demands your attention. It annoys you. You were building something here, and she's in the way. She sits. And what are you doing? You like her, you've been waiting for her for so long. You're a little nervous that she's here so unannounced. And she's acting up. Your loneliness has taken on a different color. Now that you're alone, you've changed your perspective. You're more interested in the sky, the night sun, instead of the floor, which was dirty, after all. Love doesn't just sit with you. It's entered. Food, drink, and drugs were the only things that entered. She's brazen, tightening the grip on your throat all the time. She squeezes your energy and tears. You look like a wreck waiting for the tide to come in. And if the tide doesn't come, it doesn't come. The situation won't change. She will be moments for you that are supposedly hours. When you're together, you enter a completely different time-space. Touches, caresses pass. Her gaze burns you, you smile, but you burn. She has angelic eyes. And it's over, it's over, we really must go. You return from the land of an unexpected guest. You're sitting at your place. You remember the wonder of her. You understand each other without words. You don't have to nod. But your guest sneers. You ask why you're sitting with him. He grabs you by the throat again. The embrace is terribly strong. Chills run through you quickly and painfully. Tears wet your cheeks and your whole face. You're angry with them. She touched them not long ago. They should remain intact. Preserved. They are a relic you carry around. You remember, vaguely, that tomorrow you have to get up and go somewhere. Your new friend, because that's what you have to call him. You spend entire days together, falling asleep and nights, after all. He says stay. You know you have to stay. The ceiling isn't just a ceiling anymore. You lie there, this intruder right next to you, of course. He says you're all waiting, and when I come, nothing will fit.This isn't the time. Why didn't you come earlier, etc. He says he has deadlines. He laughs at you. But he loves his job, he says. I have power. You love it. I'm the perfect dictator. I bring you to your knees. I provoke tears and adoration. And like a true dictatorship, I always end. You turn pale and say it's impossible. That you really can't imagine life without him. It's tiring, but you'll manage. You ask him to warn you before he leaves. He laughs again. You know what, he says, you're exhausted, we're going to bed. But I have something to help you sleep better. One day I'll leave, and you'll be the one laughing. And how will you feel better? I say no. For the first time, I saw surprise on his face. I told him I didn't want him to leave, and she with him. How can you not? Look at you from the side, at how you look. It's deep night, and you're so immersed in you don't know what. You call me love, or am I the devil? So what? Are you breathing fear? I'm telling you once again, firmly and clearly. I want you to stay, and with you, She, dreamed of in a thousand dreams. He looked at me seriously. Once again. There's one way out. And until death do you part. You want to drift in eternal adoration with her in your head. Kill yourself. The state of true love is achieved only then. It's somewhere in this world—well, not this one, but the next. A special place. You'll stay there until the end, until a new beginning. But you'll enjoy it for a very long time. Well, how tough are you? You love her more than yourself, more than life. The decision is yours..