Paul

I've been thinking about him a lot lately... I remember him... I remember our willow tree and how we used to play under it together as children... I remember the engagement ring he gave me when I was six... green and orange, made of wire... I remember standing right under the altar, just because he was an altar boy, and I wanted to look at him without being punished throughout the entire mass... I always went to church to look at him... my friends would call us "a couple in love"... all this went on and on for years... we grew up together... we even dated a few times... the first time was probably in eighth grade... even for sure... they wouldn't let him into my party, but he waited by the window throughout the entire party... he walked me home later, and we sat for quite a while under the immortal sandbox where Oleńka now plays... after that party, we went into my stairwell... he walked me almost to the door... we spent so much time sitting on the stairwells and talking... I almost forgot. about this... I always sat on the railing and he on the stairs... and we talked... sometimes when we were sitting in front of his staircase, his grandmother would look at us and shout at him for hanging out with me... and we would laugh at her... he would sometimes say something nasty to her, but she was almost deaf and didn't hear it... that made us laugh even more... I adored him... and now I only have a few photos he took... and he's not in any of them... but I still remember perfectly how tall he looked... terribly thin... and he had terrible acne scars... his mother spent a lot of money to restore his face to its smoothness... but she couldn't... she was - she is a fantastic woman, although now she no longer has the engine that would drive her to live... that would give her the will to live... there's no joy on her face, even though a lot of time has passed... but probably not enough... after all, time flies at different speeds for different people... her time probably stood still at some point... sometimes I think that my time too... I remember that mine My father also shouted at me because I spent too much time with Paweł... I even went outside the building to study for my high school entrance exams, just to see his windows... and to see him in those windows when he appeared there just to look at me... sometimes the willow tree blocked his view and I had to change... and now the willow tree is gone... they cut it down about three months ago... now it wouldn't block my view of his windows... and yet I cried when I saw it gone... and it was so huge and so beautiful... so mine... ours... most of my most beautiful childhood memories are connected either with it or with the bench,która pod nią stała… nasza ławka… spotykaliśmy się wszyscy na tej ławce… bawiliśmy się na niej… rozmawialiśmy… tworzyliśmy swoją historię… ale nie tylko to pamiętam z tego okresu… pamiętam jeszcze wiele innych rzeczy… na przykład to, jak z Pawłem wychodziliśmy na spacery... zabieraliśmy moje psy i włóczyliśmy się po osiedlu... opowiadaliśmy o dniach, które mijały… próbowaliśmy rozwiązywać nasze drobne problemy, które wtedy wydawały nam się takie wielkie… takie nie do pokonania… to zabawne, bo nawet kiedy próbowaliśmy być razem... nie potrafiłam go pocałować... przytulić się do niego czy choćby wziąć go za rękę... nie umiałam, bo znałam go już tak długo, że miałam wrażenie, iż pocałunek byłby nie na miejscu... siedzieliśmy więc u niego w domu i zamiast się całować oglądaliśmy MTV albo VIVĘ... bardzo chcę pamiętać te momenty... i bardzo chcę jego pamiętać... nigdy nie zapomnieć... chociaż odszedł... chociaż nie ma go już i nigdy nie będzie... nie pojawi się w oknie... nie zagwiżdże wywołując mnie na spacer... nie uśmiechnie się i nigdy już nie popatrzy na mnie tymi wielkimi niebieskimi oczyma... a ja go zawsze będę kochać...

The end came unexpectedly and too quickly... although in this case, the time would never be the right time... Paweł was drafted into the army... he was supposed to leave on Monday... he called to tell me about it... it was Friday evening... I only had 5 minutes to say goodbye to him because I was leaving for Italy on Saturday... I laughed at him... he was as fit as a fish and that's probably why he was drafted into the scuba diving... I couldn't imagine how his thin body could carry all that equipment... but it so happened that he never had to try to hold it... on Sunday he went to take care of the rest of the things... you always have to take care of some things... he sold his car to a friend and in that car they drove back from the Steelworks... but something broke down... the friend couldn't handle it because it was his first ride in a new car... so they pulled over and Paweł got behind the wheel... a truck passed them, which they somehow caught up with on the road... unfortunately... the truck driver forgot to take the exit... he suddenly turned and drove into straight at them... straight at Paweł... he didn't notice them... but apparently no one was hurt... Paweł called an ambulance because they were a bit scratched, but before it arrived he fainted and apparently only said "I can't see anything... what's going on?? I can't see anything..." They took him to the hospital... it turned out he had a hematoma so localized on his brain that there was practically no chance for him... in fact, the doctors immediately sentenced him to death... they completely stopped taking care of him... his mother even had to buy them disposable gloves because they didn't want to contribute anything to his care in the ward... they wanted to disconnect him, but she wouldn't agree... when I came back, I didn't understand why everyone was looking at me in such a strange way... I never want anyone to look at me like that again... I felt there was something they didn't want to tell me... I felt something had happened... something terrible... Paweł was still in a coma... I couldn't visit him... only his closest family... finally, after a month, he woke up... a week had passed since my return... his mother promised that She would take me to the ward... she believed he would survive... she told me we would be together again... and I was with someone else then... I hugged her... I wanted to believe the same as she did... when I saw him, I couldn't bear the sight of his limp, defenseless body... I left because I couldn't keep my word and stop crying... because how could I not cry... he was even thinner than the day I last saw him, although even then it seemed to me that he couldn't be thinner... sunken cheeks... he was lying naked on the bed... hooked up to all those horrible machines... covered only by a sheet... only his right arm moved from the elbow down... and his eyes... they were even bigger than usual and even bluer... and they were begging for life... and screaming "stay"...I didn't know what to say to him... my hand ached, as he was squeezing it far too tightly... and yet I couldn't pull it away... I told him about our neighborhood, how we were all waiting for him... how wonderful it would be when he came back... and I knew I was lying to him... that he would never see most of us again... that he would never see our beloved willow tree... that he wouldn't look out the window and wave at me... that he wouldn't watch MTV... that he wouldn't take me to another crappy movie that we wouldn't laugh about over iced coffee... his friends donated blood for him... but they were afraid to visit him... they didn't come to say goodbye to him... perhaps everyone wanted to keep a memory of him... other than the one I carry in my heart... he lived for another month... he lived... although that's probably too big a word... his mother practically slept in the hospital... she believed until the very end that everything would be alright... that she would take him home soon... that he wouldn't be the same Paweł anymore, but he would be... with her side... the day he died, he started moving his head... he gave us new hope... I came home so happy because I felt that maybe there really was a chance... but the house was quiet and sad... my mother was crying... I knew something had happened... she said it was over, that he wouldn't suffer anymore... but I laughed at her... I didn't believe it... because in my consciousness there was only this shocking improvement... or maybe I just didn't want to believe it... I thought that unconsciousness would protect me from suffering and him from death... but nothing could protect us... nothing could stop my pain and his eternal sleep... I cried... I don't even remember how long I cried... but I remember the funeral... and everyone who came to say goodbye to him... I remember my mother wanting to hug me... help me, but I couldn't hug her... I also remember Paweł's aunt commenting on his sister's weight as she walked behind the coffin... today I would strangle her for that, but back then, I didn't care... I remember the coffin seemed so... Small... too short... he was very tall... I was worried that he would always be too tight in that coffin... I can't believe I was thinking about that right then... they almost forced me from the cemetery... I don't remember the way home... I only know that we were taking the priest home and he asked if I was his sister? He thought I was... and he wasn't far off... he was almost entirely off... I returned home, and Janusz was waiting for me... he couldn't comfort me... he couldn't bear my tears either... I was left alone... to this day I can't come to terms with his death... every time I think of him, my heart aches and tears come to my eyes... today I heard "Forever Young" on the radio... that song always reminded me of those times when we sat under the willow tree... it was a hit back then... we listened to it all the time... I used to smile when I listened to it... today I cry with it...I always joked to myself that I would die young... that I wouldn't grow old... but he passed away at only 21... almost 6 years ago... he would have turned 27 on June 25th... but he won't... he won't turn 30 either... 40 or 70... he will remain forever young... just like he sang to himself while humming our hit song back in elementary school...