Disappointment

It's funny how someone can believe in other people, even though their lack of honesty in expressing their feelings is so obvious. People watching from the sidelines immediately see that something is wrong, but I couldn't see anything. I wanted someone to love me so badly. It no longer mattered how much they loved me, but that they loved me just a little. And maybe that's why I'm such an easy target for others, because I trust everyone. I trust that people are good, that they don't lie, that if they know someone, they won't hurt them again. Unfortunately, life proved me wrong once again, deluding myself into my own world of faith in human goodness.

A few days off were approaching. I was supposed to spend them with Tomek by the sea, camping. I was overjoyed by this fact; I kept telling everyone that I was going to have a few wonderful days with my beloved. I thought his sour face was the result of problems at work and would soon give way to a smile that would spark a reunion with me. However, the conversation was troubled from the start. He wouldn't even drink tea.

"Tomek, is something wrong?" I couldn't stand the silence that suddenly fell between us.

"Yes," he said quietly.

My heart started beating faster. A thousand different versions of what I was about to hear swirled in my head. Most of them were about it being over between us because he had another woman. I started to get scared.

"So maybe you could just say it straight instead of beating around the bush?" I said, as Tomek remained silent.

"It's about that dance with another guy last week. It really hurt me when you told me. I trusted you, and you were dancing with someone else." His voice was very sad.

"I told you it didn't mean anything. He asked me to dance, and I didn't know it was wrong. You never said I had to be faithful when I danced." I leaned closer and hugged him.

"But if you were dancing with someone else, you could have been doing something else.

" "You're very important to me; I would never hurt you." If you'd told me what you thought about dancing with other people, I definitely would have never done it. I'm sorry. I won't do it again.

I felt like crying as I remembered that situation. I went to the party alone because Tomek wasn't in the mood, and some guy started hitting on me. It was nice to know someone else was interested in me, so I didn't see anything wrong with dancing with that guy. It was true that I told Tomek about the incident a few days later, but I finally did. I was afraid that if I didn't tell him, he'd find out from someone else, and that would be worse than admitting to this "betrayal" myself. I know I hurt Tomek, but he could have been more interested in me these past few days instead of constantly avoiding seeing me.

"It's not important whether you do it again or not, but that it hurt me deeply. I felt so useless," Tomek said, refusing to stop talking about it.

"And how do you think I feel when you never have time for me? When you'd rather go to your friend's instead? Then I feel like I'm insignificant, even though I'm your girlfriend, so I should be at the forefront, not somewhere in the background. Thanks to this guy, I felt like I could still be interested in someone," I tried to justify my behavior.

"Don't blame me now. Kaśka has problems now, and they're bigger than a C in philosophy," Tomek slowly started to get angry. "Do you think I want to listen to nothing but you and your problems at university? You just keep talking about it, you don't even let me have my say.

" "I'm trying, but it's clearly not enough for you. Can't you tell me to change the subject?" Or maybe you should start talking instead of just staying silent all the time – I was also getting irritated by these baseless accusations.

"What am I supposed to say? When I try to talk about something that interests me, you change the subject because you don't like the same books or music. I don't know why I have to say this nonsense? Are you so afraid of silence and what it will bring?

" "I'm not afraid of silence, I'm afraid that the day will come when we suddenly have nothing to say to each other." I lowered my eyes.

"Hasn't it occurred to you that this has been happening lately? You're monologuing to yourself because I'm really not interested in your university. You only talk about what's going on outside, never about what's going on inside you. You close yourself off from me, and you accuse me of not paying you any attention. How am I supposed to pay you any attention when you won't even let me get close!" Tomek started to raise his voice. "Sometimes I get the feeling you need people to admire you, not to be with you."

"That's not true," I quickly denied. "It's not like that, I just need time. I need to sort everything out. It's not that easy to open up to another person. And so I opened up to you more than you did to me. I said I loved you, and you replied that you liked me a lot. That's a bit unfair.

" "So what do you expect from me? To write poems in your honor? To buy you roses every step of the way? Whenever I did something like that, you never liked it, you were always dissatisfied.

" "Because I don't like surprises. I told you that if you wanted to give me a gift or take me on a trip, it would be best if you let me know. I have many activities and obligations; I can't change them at the last minute.

" "Sure, you always have more time for your friends than for me. Especially since you surround yourself with only lying people, even though you don't see it."

"That's not true, they're not lying," I tried to defend my friends from the baseless attacks on them. "Just because you don't like them doesn't mean you have to hang out with them. I've told you many times that you don't have to go to parties with me.

" "I can choose not to, but it's clear what you do when you're away from me," he said sarcastically.

"And you're bringing this up again? I've apologized to you several times, isn't that enough? You never apologize to me for giving up seeing me in favor of visiting Kaśka or going out for a beer with your friends.

" "Do I have to ask permission to meet friends?" Tomek said angrily. "Maybe I should also ask you for permission to go to work?"

"Don't say that. It wasn't meant to sound that way. It just hurts me when we don't see each other for a week, and you choose your friends instead of seeing me.

" "At least I can have a CONVERSATION with them."

"Maybe we should stop this conversation if we're going to keep arguing? We haven't seen each other in almost two weeks," I said, almost pleading, "tell me how you're doing?"

Tomek fell silent. I could see him breathing heavily to calm down. I said nothing, waiting for him to make a move. I didn't want to spoil anything.

"I have to tell you something. I'm in love with someone else," he blurted out, not looking at me.

"What do you mean, you're in love?" His words didn't register. I thought it was punishment for dancing with another guy.

"I just fell in love. I'm sorry."

I stopped hugging Tomek. I pulled away and stared straight ahead. Tears started flowing. I didn't know what to say. I waited for some explanation, which didn't come. After a few minutes, I regained my composure enough to speak.

"Who is she?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"She works with Kaśka, her name is Agata. I met her about a month ago and told her how I felt yesterday.

" "And what did she say to that?" Are you together?" My voice was breaking into tears.

"No, I'm not with her. She doesn't want me. But I felt I had to tell you.

" "And all this pointless pointing out of what I'd done was for me to feel awful and now think it was my fault this happened? What games are you playing with me?" Anger slowly crept into my voice.

"I'm not playing games with you, I'm just telling you what happened. And no one is to blame. I had to be honest with you, and now you can decide for yourself what to do next.

" "What do you mean? We can't be together. You're in love," I said sarcastically.

"If that's what you want, we can break up. I'd better go." Tomek stood up and headed for the door.

"Now you want to run away so you don't have to see my tears? So you don't feel responsible for hurting me even though you promised you never would," I said quietly behind him.

Tomek stopped but didn't turn around. He just stood there, listening to my sobs.

"I never said anything like that. Don't add all this philosophy to those few months we spent together. If you're going to be so dramatic, it's really best if I leave."

I didn't try to stop him. I cried and pondered my mistakes. Suddenly, quite a few of them had accumulated. My bad mood swings might have been too frequent and too violent. Constantly talking about the university where I spent almost all day could also be a tedious topic. However, Tomek wasn't without fault either. He lost interest in me, ignored my need to be the only person in his life. We simply weren't compatible. We couldn't meet our expectations of each other, which were completely at odds with reality. It's a shame that the truth hurts so much and prevents us from coming to terms with loneliness.