Lost self

Dark clouds billowing in the sky heralded the inevitable arrival of moments of terror. Amid the small-town bustle, the horizon was filled with dark images. "Like the Land of Shadows," I thought, and shuddered involuntarily. As if through a fog, I saw the events of the last few years. Every year on the same day, something strange happened to me. Murders, "strange" people, unusual situations. It was bad luck that every year I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Not wanting to relive painful, burdensome memories, I called myself to order. "Behave yourself, you're not a child anymore," I told myself, drawing smiles from passersby.

I decided to pull myself together. I glanced at my watch. It was almost eleven. "It's high time, no matter what I was going to face this year," I said, and headed for the dimmest corner of town. I visited this place every year because my heart told me so. Only there was I truly understood. Only there could I shout out my feelings. Only there did I exist and be myself, not a character created for and by people. I walked, taking long steps. With each passing moment, I felt weaker and stronger at the same time. My breathing accelerated unnaturally. My heart almost leaped into my throat, but I felt something I couldn't explain. I was strangely calm. A casual observer would call it a paradox, but I knew there was nothing unusual about it. In fact, it could have been a precursor to my future experiences.

I was always haunted. I delighted in unusual sights, loved pain and suffering, which over time became my only friends. Sometimes I deliberately cut myself just so I could see the stain of dark blood on my pale skin... And when it appeared... I licked it away with my tongue. When I was little, I thought it would all pass. Now, after reaching my long-awaited adulthood, I stopped even thinking about it. I knew my classmates were quietly calling me "abnormal." I'd given myself the nickname "different," and with that "differentness" I went through life, ignoring the opinions of people who couldn't see my true colors. I couldn't trust, having been ridiculed countless times. So I continued to wade into this mess, pretending to be someone I wasn't...

"You should have gotten a grip!" my inner voice repeated. I instantly recovered. I looked down the narrow path. I was getting closer to my destination. I passed a farmhouse and passed a church. For a moment, I even wondered if I should go there, but quickly dismissed the thought. "I—a sinner—would enter God's door? I'm unworthy!" I laughed. I wasn't sure why I'd done it or what kind of laughter it was. After all... I'd never mocked God, I didn't want to show Him I could manage without Him... A defensive reaction? But what am I so stubbornly denying? Never mind," my other self snapped, dismissing my true self. Suddenly, I tripped over a huge rock.

"You should have been more careful, clumsy," I heard a bass voice say.

"I was paying attention, I just got lost in my thoughts," I replied. "Besides... I don't have to explain myself... and... who are you anyway?" "I asked, this time turning my gaze to the man.

"Now you're the one demanding explanations from me. And I thought you didn't like them. I won't answer that question. I'll just say that, like you, I think I'm free. And at this point, we'll stop questioning each other, okay?"

Surprised, I nodded. I wanted to just move on, but the man gestured for me to stay. Curiosity was practically consuming me, so I decided to do whatever he asked. I obediently sat down on the grass and waited to see what would happen next. The man looked at me with penetrating eyes. I felt embarrassed. I felt like he knew everything about me—even the things I hadn't told anyone yet.

"I'm not your enemy," the man began. "I know a lot about you. I won't explain how, because your still-human mind wouldn't be able to comprehend it. You've already discovered that you're different." I've been sent to make you an offer in this regard... "Don't interrupt," he said, seeing that I was already opening my mouth to respond. "Where did I stand...?" he mused. "Oh yes, an offer! I want to offer you a life of a different kind. Not the human existence you've led until now, but also not 'Eternal Life' or whatever the Christians call it. I can give you life for someone—the most beautiful life there is. I know where you're going. And believe me, I can end all your suffering, these inexplicable phenomena... I can end all your waiting and dilemmas, pain and longing... All you have to do is ask. Just ask," he emphasized. "Do it, and you'll get everything you desire and your whole life will be rearranged..."

I looked at him again. He did the same. I wondered what I should answer. The vision of the future before me was, to say the least, interesting. I just had to decide quickly what I truly wanted.

"No!" – I said firmly.

"Excuse me?!" the man asked. "Don't you want to? Don't you dream of a different, better world, a different life?" he stubbornly tried to convince me.

"It's none of your business what I dream of!" I shouted, irritated. "I don't want anything from you!" I snapped and walked away.

I glanced at my watch. One o'clock. Well, it was already late. I walked forward, stubbornly brushing away every winged creature I encountered. After a short while of walking, the image I'd been waiting for for a year appeared before my eyes. I walked down the path toward the now visible cemetery. I entered its grounds and began to wander among the tombstones. I sat down by one of them. This was my beloved grave. Here rested the most incredible person in the world. The only person who could understand me in life, even though she wasn't, like me, different.

"Honey..." I leaned over the grave and began to shed tears. "Honey..." I repeated, and lightning flashed in the sky. Apparently, I wasn't meant to love. When I heard powerful thunder and a hellish storm erupted, I flew into a rage. "Why are you doing this to me?! Why?! What have I ever done to you?!" I looked up. "I stopped going to church, sure, but is that a good enough reason to treat me like this?! What are you punishing me for?! What...?!" I asked with tears in my eyes.

I embraced my beloved's gravestone with both hands. I lowered my head. Large tears streamed down my face. I had no strength left. I felt all the strength and will to fight I'd ever had draining away. My will to survive was practically nonexistent. I wanted to throw myself in front of the first vehicle that came my way. Unfortunately, I was in a remote area, and if my dream came true, I could officially consider it the first miracle I'd ever experienced. Except, it didn't seem like it was going to happen.

I tossed back my hair, which the wind had blown into my face and obscured my eyes. I ran out of the cemetery. I didn't know where I was going, so I was going nowhere. The wind stubbornly refused to give up and continued to play with my hair. But that didn't matter to me. I stubbornly pushed forward. Finally, I stopped and looked around. Not a single living soul. Only trees reminded me of the nightmares that had been haunting me lately. "The landscape is quite interesting, I must admit," I said to myself. A small forest was visible on the horizon. I hadn't passed this way yet today—it dawned on me. However, I decided not to be discouraged and tried to find my way home. The small hand on my watch was approaching the number four. From this, I deduced that the light would soon clear. And so it did. Now, before me was a small, almost completely illuminated path. Behind the enormous trees, I could see people bustling about. This meant I had finally found myself in a residential area. I stepped onto the sidewalk. I looked around. I had to admit, I was lucky this time. The area I found myself in was directly adjacent to mine. From there, it was only a short walk to my house, so I made it in a matter of minutes.

I opened the door, took off my shoes, and stood in front of the mirror. The sight I saw terrified me. I looked like a character from a Gothic novel. Dressed in black, heavily made up, and adorned with silver. I couldn't bear to look at myself. I went to sleep, praying, for the first time in a long time, that I wouldn't wake up again. Suddenly, I stood up and looked straight ahead. I saw my beloved there. I wondered if it was a hallucination or reality. I ran to him.

After a moment, I felt like I was falling. I woke up. The balconies of the next floors flashed before my eyes. Ten balconies. I remember feeling free then. And then I saw a young man dressed in white robes, beneath which protruded enormous, beautiful wings. I was struck by the fact that they weren't white, as children are told, but various shades of gray. And then he took my hand and took me somewhere with him.

It was an angel. A true angel.