Stanzas from the Past - Part 2 (1)

:

II.

I stood at the open window and watched the sunset. The city was slowly calming down. The monotonous hum of car engines seemed more subdued now, as did the footsteps of passersby and the cries of children playing on the lawn. A light breeze pleasantly cooled the air, carrying sweet scents. I always loved summer the most. It used to be such a special time of year. Vacations were approaching, long-awaited rest, moments filled with fun. Now, summer stood out only for warm, sunny days. Nothing more.

Evenings usually made me melancholic. I watched the orange ball disappear between the apartment buildings, leaving golden reflections on the windowpanes as a farewell, and thought of other sunsets. I once again imagined the coppery hue of the lake water, or the incredible waves of the past, by the sea…

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of my own profile in the window. In my old T-shirt and jeans, I looked somehow younger. I took a sip of my beer. Wow, I wasn't that old yet! Thirty years is a long time? Is there some kind of boundary? Every ten years of life is different, bringing new experiences, transforming us into different people. Friends my age started families, pursued careers, and carved out their own worlds. I, too, achieved something. I graduated, landed an attractive position at a respectable company, bought an apartment… but I don't know why it didn't satisfy me. Maybe I missed having someone to share my successes with?

The fading orange-gold streaks in the sky reminded me that another Sunday was drawing to a close. Tomorrow, the CEO would find a finished project on his desk. He'd probably be pleasantly surprised. We'd done a great job. I should have been pleased, but I wasn't. The thought of another Monday filled me with dread. My life suddenly reduced to work, evenings in front of the TV, an occasional trip to the pub with friends, an occasional weekend at a friend's garden. Everything that once held great meaning to me I relegated to memories. All that remained was routine. It was as if it were obscured by fog or dark clouds. And yet "the sky above us remains unchangingly blue."

I moved away from the window, sat down in an armchair, and picked up the book lying on the table. I stared at the poet's name, so familiar once and so unfamiliar now. "Devilishly talented," Anita had called him. She later asked if I'd read these poems. I simply replied, "Yes, I know them." She seemed disappointed by my lack of response. She probably thought I didn't like poetry, couldn't read it, or didn't understand it. I didn't feel like explaining anything. I didn't mention my acquaintance with the poet. For her, these poems had a completely different meaning than for me.

I opened the volume. A table of contents, a short biographical note, and finally the poems themselves. Black, soulless print on white pages. I briefly scanned the collected poems. I'd read many of them before, some in different, original versions, handwritten on ordinary notebook pages with a few crosses and strange drawings in the margins.

I know, today again a cold rain has drenched your head,

and though when you raise your eyes you see only black clouds

, believe me, the sky above us remains unchangingly blue.

You only need to rise above the dark curtain

to see the sun and the endless blue again.

One thing is certain, for all eternity...

Did he truly believe in what he wrote? These few lines exude optimism, conveying hope that perhaps the clouds will soon disperse, the sun will emerge... all you have to do is try a little harder, patiently wait out the rainy weather... He just didn't have the patience.

Another page, another verse. I've always loved these early poems the most. They were written when he was only 16 or 17, but they are exceptionally mature. He touched on so many topics, so faithfully reflecting the reality surrounding us at the time. Only one piece from that period didn't fit with the rest. A heartbreaking confession of all his flaws, through which a picture emerges of a boy full of complexes and low self-esteem. A clear desire to be someone else, someone... common, ordinary. I always felt sad when I read them. We had our quirks, we were different from our peers, but while I was discovering there was no point in forcing myself to fit in, he was still defying his true nature. I think that's what undoes him.

And there was a time when I thought we were so similar...

***

"the past is so beautiful, the future like a corpse in snow..."

***

We were sitting in the PE locker room. Everyone had long since gone home, and we were still occupying that small changing room. Czaki stretched out on a bench under the clothes racks. He was smoking, even though it was strictly forbidden in this place. Marti was sitting on the floor, fiddling with the laces of his shoes. I decided to open the window. I didn't like cigarette smoke. I yanked the handle once, twice, three times... Konrad approached from behind, took my arms, and moved me away from the window, then opened it easily.

"That's how it's done, kid," he commented. "You're terrible losers. You have the worst grades in PE. Shame on you, gentlemen!

" "We're focusing on intellectual development," Czaki replied

. "You're probably focusing on self-destruction. You're already getting a hump from poring over books, you're skinny, pale, and you're poisoning yourself with exhaust fumes."

Marti laughed, and Czaki just shrugged.

"Tell me," Robi began, "why on earth do I have to learn how to throw this block far?

" "What block?

" "The one they call a medicine ball. A medicine ball! Have you ever seen doctors play that kind of ball?"

Marti burst into hysterical laughter. Konrad slowly approached Robi, put his arm around him condescendingly, and said,

"Robi, don't bother with the terminology. P.E. isn't for thinking.

" "That's why Konrad has such good results," Czaki interjected. Kondi gave him a meaningful look.

"P.E. focuses on developing the body," he continued after a moment. "A person needs physical gymnastics just as much as mental gymnastics. But I have a lot to talk about, don't I? I could replace our professor, the boorish doctor."

We laughed at the memory of the teacher. There was no way around him. He found himself a few students to hold up as role models, and the rest he constantly yelled at, not mincing his words. Initially, his unpleasant remarks had me very stressed, and I'd gone out of my way to avoid them. Now they didn't bother me at all. The five of us practically waited for the next insults. After each lesson, we'd carefully write down all the texts, hoping to create a special dictionary of sophisticated insults. We'd also often quote our teacher's words. We actually had a lot of fun. The coach couldn't figure out why we were always in such a good mood. Today's lesson, however, wasn't so cheerful. We had a test on medicine ball throwing. It turned out our results were far from the norms set by the ministry. My result gave me a meager, mediocre grade, and Robi and Czaki, as our teacher put it, "didn't even qualify for the bat." "He, on the other hand, qualifies perfectly for the bat," Czaki later remarked. Bad grades, however, could have affected the final score.

Czaki pretended not to care, but Robi was clearly concerned.

"I don't understand what these leaderboards are for," he grumbled. "People can't all be the same. Some are weaker, others stronger, but everyone tries their best.

" "Don't be silly, Robi!" Konrad reprimanded him. "I did my best, you fared much worse. We're almost the same height, we're similar in size, but my result was second at school, and you didn't qualify.

" "But you..." he began, but Konrad didn't let him finish.

"What about me? You have the same chances as me, you just don't feel like putting in the effort." He stepped back from Robert. "Look at you—you're a hot mess! If you took care of yourself, you could get very good results, but all you can do is complain that everything is so stupid. Look at yourself objectively, you're just failing this subject."

We were a bit surprised by this attack. Robi stood in the middle of the locker room with a sad expression. He bit his lip. For a moment I thought he was going to cry.

Konrad lightly tapped him on the shoulder

. "Hey, don't look down at the fifth, get to work!" he said in a softer tone

. "I can't..." Robi stammered

. "You can, I know it!" Konrad had that mischievous light in his eyes I'd already seen in him during the initiation. He was clearly planning something again. "I'll take care of you!" he declared. "

I don't envy you, Robi." Czaki stubbed out his cigarette butt

. "I'm including you, skinny guy, in the program too," Kondi said. "And you, Piti, with my help, will improve your grade.

" "When I'm satisfied with mediocre," I replied

. "Bad, very bad..." Konrad shook his head disapprovingly. "Where's your ambition? I'll have to work on you." Come to my cabin, we'll write out a training schedule.

"Are you serious?" Robi said incredulously

. "Very seriously. Get moving!

" "Should we go to your place now?" I was surprised

. "Yeah." Konrad grabbed his hair dramatically. "Am I not speaking clearly?"

I couldn't quite understand why Konrad cared so much about our results. Maybe he was embarrassed to hang out with such mediocre people, or maybe he was just a good friend. I wondered for a moment if I should get involved in these joint training sessions. Honestly, I didn't feel like putting in the effort. I'd like to get a good result and a good grade, but spending time practicing… I'd rather not read a book.

Suddenly, our teacher appeared in the locker room doorway. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Czaki tucking a cigarette butt under the bench.

"What's going on here?" the man asked. "What are you still doing here?"

"They're the ones messing around." Konrad looked innocent. "Such slowpokes!"

"I can see it now," the coach muttered. "They're sitting around smoking cigarettes. If you don't get your act together, I don't know what will happen at the end of the semester. I can't see it, really.

" "Professor, don't worry, I've already taken care of them," Konrad explained. "We're starting our exercises today." Then he raised his index finger and pathetically announced, "Improving our PE results is our priority! A healthy mind in a healthy body! Physical exercise is as important as mental exercise!

" "Okay, okay," the teacher cleared his throat, clearly surprised by the sudden torrent of slogans. He looked at our faces uncertainly, as if to see if we were joking. We were deadly serious.

"Nooo..." he stammered. "And I didn't see you, Marcin, at the last training session." He turned to Marti.

"No?" the boy feigned surprise.

"Don't play pranks on me," the teacher regained his former confidence. "I want you to play for the school team. If you quit, you can kiss your good grades goodbye. I'll see you at practice on Thursday! Now I'm out of here, I'm going home!"

We hurriedly gathered our things and left the locker room. We barely made it to the hallway when we burst out laughing. Still giggling, we passed the main entrance and found ourselves on the street. I decided to go to Kondi's this time, see what it was like, after all, what harm could it do. Besides, I preferred spending time with my friends to staying home.

On the way, we bought ice cream in fun waffle cones. The sun was warm, and the lawns were bursting with lush greenery and the yellow of dandelions scattered among the greenery. Spring was in full swing.

"What do you have?" Robi nudged me, pointing at my ice cream.

"Creamy," I replied.

"Let me try it."

"Here's mine, mine's strawberry," Marti chimed in.

"Who wants pistachios?" Konrad offered.

Suddenly, in the middle of the sidewalk, we began swapping ice creams, sampling each other's. People passed us, looking back and nodding as if they'd seen a bunch of lunatics. Konrad, after sampling a flavor, made a sound like he was eating ambrosia.

"Hmmm, wonderful... heaven for the palate

." Marti couldn't help but laugh. Czaki had that impenetrable smile of his, like a Sphinx. As we trudged along the street, I felt that at that moment, all that mattered was the sun, the scent of flowers, the greenery, and the joy filling us. Everything was so fresh and new, and we were so young and had so much ahead of us.

We finally reached Konrad's house. He lived in an old, four-story building. The apartment smelled of antiquity. The wooden floor creaked underfoot, the heavy, old-fashioned furniture gave the rooms a gloomy look, and neither the paintings on the walls nor the flowers in the clay pots could alleviate the feeling. The only difference was Konrad's room. The sight of the light, pine furniture and the colorful posters hanging on the walls warmed my heart. You could also immediately tell what Konrad did in his free time. A ladder was attached to one wall, and on a shelf next to it stood dumbbells and barbells, arranged from smallest to largest. A boxing bag hung from the ceiling. Konrad hit it a few times.

"How do you like it here, Piti? Is this your first time?" he asked

. "Aha. Nice," I replied. I spotted some trophies on a higher shelf and approached to get a better look.

- Karate and now kick-boxing - explained Konrad - I started somewhere in the distant days of primary school, my mother enrolled me in the section at the suggestion of a friend who claimed that this way I could release excess energy.

"Konrad was the biggest bully in school," Marti interjected. "Even the older guys were afraid of him.

" "I did get into some mischief," Kondi admitted. "Martial arts allowed me to release my emotions, especially karate, which calmed me down a lot, because it's also a mental workout."

I nodded in understanding. Now I knew where Konrad's palpable self-confidence came from.

"Want to warm up a bit?" He handed me a weight he'd taken off the shelf

. After a brief hesitation, I took it in my hand. It was cold and quite heavy. I moved my arm a few times. Kondi showed me how to hold it. I was a little embarrassed by the situation. Everyone was staring at me.

Marti also took an interest in the exercise equipment. He leaned over the largest barbell.

"Heavy?" he asked

. "Check." Konrad smiled mischievously.

Marti hefted the barbell, straightened, pulled it under his chin like a professional weightlifter, and then suddenly lowered it so that it clattered against the floor.

"Hey, the neighbors are getting plastered!" Konrad reprimanded

. Marti smiled apologetically.

"You must have bought this recently, huh?" he tried to cover up his previous awkwardness.

"Oh, the whole set. If you'd like, you can always come over to my place for a little workout. You three will be obligated to come here." He turned to Robie and Czaka.

"Konrad, cool your coaching fervor," Czaka sighed. "I don't have time for this.

" "What do you do all day that you can't even find an hour for a little exercise?

" Czaka sighed in resignation. He sat down on Konrad's couch, leaning his back against the wall, pulled his knees up to his chin, and wrapped his arms around them.

"Where did you get lost?" Konrad exclaimed. "I want to demonstrate exercises you can do at home."

"Konrad, leave us alone today," Czaki groaned. "We've already had a thoroughly enjoyable PE lesson, that's enough for one day.

" "As you wish," he shrugged, offended.

I thought Czaki must hate sports even more than Robi and I did. He seemed frail, so terribly thin, pale, and short. Perhaps he was a little ashamed of it. He seemed to prefer curling up on the bed against the wall to showing off in the middle of the room. I felt sorry for him. Those big, dark eyes looked so sad...

Konrad took out his calendar and, tapping the pages with a pencil, looked at us expectantly.

"Should we come one by one, or all at once?" Robi asked

. "I don't care.

" "Maybe we can arrange something together," I interjected hastily. Being alone with Konrad seemed too awkward.

- We finish early on Thursday - Robi wondered - we could meet around four or five, after lunch, I mean.

"Five o'clock," Konrad agreed. "Is that fine with everyone? "

I nodded. Czaki was still there.

"I really don't intend to pursue a sports career," he said grimly

. "Listen, man," Konrad said, sitting on the edge of the couch, "it's not about your career, your grades—which, by the way, are among the worst in school—your physical development and health, which you clearly don't care about. The thing is, you're at the top of your class in every subject, and you're only lagging behind in PE, and I can feel it eating away at you.

" "That's not true..." he tried to defend himself, but it didn't sound very convincing.

"And yet, I see that something's been bothering you for a while now. You're smoking like a chimney, hiding in corners and scribbling on those sheets of paper—in short, you're sinking into decadence. I've decided to snap you out of it. You're still my friend, and I won't let any stupid things get you down."

Czaki lowered his head. He looked like a little boy who'd just been yelled at. I think we all suddenly felt sorry for him, because Marti jumped to his defense:

"You're exaggerating, Konrad," he said. "Czak is intelligent enough not to worry about such trivial things as PE results. You know yourself that they largely depend on our teacher's mood, and he's mentally unstable.

" "Exactly!" Konrad chimed in. "Wouldn't you like to surprise him with your form and then, when his jaw drops, give him the finger?

" "I don't feel the need to do that," Czaki sighed.

"Me neither," I admitted

. "Wouldn't you like to do it even for yourselves? To prove to yourself and others that you're not complete losers?" Konrad persisted.

"Konrad, leave them alone," Marti defended us. "They just don't like sports. No big deal!" It helped you, you can test yourself, vent, you can prove in a tangible, physical way that you're the best, but not everyone is like you. Czaki, Robi, and Piti are all pursuing different goals. Why force them to be masters in every field?

"Oh, Marti, what kind of sermons are these?! Konrad lost his temper.

"Sermons? If you've been talking nonsense for an hour, I'm not complaining.

" "Okay, never mind. Am I to understand that you don't want to take me up on my offer?

" "I do!" Robi volunteered. Konrad patted him approvingly on the back.

"Maybe I'll drop by and see what you're doing here," I said

. "OK!" Kondi regained his former composure. "Czaki?"

The boy was still huddled against the wall, wondering what he should do in this situation. Marti sat down next to him, put his hand on his shoulder, and said quietly,

"Come do it for me, I can't listen to Konrad's morals anymore.

" "What?!" Kondi feigned indignation. Czaki smiled.

"Okay, I'll be there on Thursday," he said. "But I really have better things to do than fool around like this.

" "Sure!" Konrad snorted, noting the meeting time in his calendar. "We're grateful you'll honor us."

"Don't worry about him," whispered Marti. "He needs to take a nap and grumble a bit."

Konrad tossed aside the calendar and pencil, jumped at Marti, grabbed him by the neck from behind, pulled him away from Czak, rolled him onto his back, and pressed him against the mattress, securing him with his knee for safety. Marti was giggling hysterically. Konrad began jumping up and down gently at first, then harder and harder. The entire mattress sagged, and with each jump, Marti let out a groan that turned into shrill laughter.

"Aaa...aaa...ll-mercy,"

Czak croaked. He grabbed a nearby pillow and began pummeling Konrad.

"Let him go, you animal!" he shouted

. "Death to Konrad, our tormentor!" Robi joined in, having also found a pillow and was now hitting the surprised Konrad with it.

What could I do? I grabbed the last available pillow and joined in the chaos. After a moment, I lost track of who was hitting whom. My weapon was soon ripped from my hands and landed on my head. We heard a dry crack, and a moment later, a mass of white feathers flew into the air. We froze. Disheveled hair, disheveled shirts, and white feathers swirling around – the landscape of our battle. Marti, as usual, was the first to laugh. We sat in strange poses on Konrad's couch, roaring with laughter, white feathers falling on our heads and shoulders.

"You're completely crazy," Kondi declared

. "The same," Czaki replied.

***

I couldn't believe how stubborn Konrad was. He had decided to take care of our health and physical development, and he was consistently implementing his plan. We'd met at his house a few times to work out in the "gym corner," as he called this part of the room. The first time, we were intimidated by the intimacy of the place. At school, in the gym, in a large group, you could get lost, so we didn't pay much attention to what everyone was doing. Here, confined to a very small space, we had no choice but to observe each other. At first, we fooled around to cover our embarrassment. Konrad was incredibly angry. He took a truly professional approach to our training. He put us in corners – one had us do pull-ups on the bar, another on the monkey bars, and a third handed us dumbbells. He supervised everything himself and made sure we weren't faking. Robi grumbled a bit, but after listening to another lecture from his friend, he put in more effort. It wasn't easy for him; he'd quickly turn red in the face and breathe heavily.

Czaki, on the other hand, despite his initial reluctance, became determined and trained like crazy. Konrad had to stop him several times, as he would surely overtrain. His innate ambition probably got the better of him. Sometimes, swinging dumbbells, he'd stand in front of the mirror and examine his muscles. Kondi would then mock him, saying that training alone wouldn't help and that Czaki simply needed to eat more.

I have to admit, I was better than his friends. Our self-proclaimed coach quickly realized my capabilities and started pushing me to do more and harder exercises. Strangely, for the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed them. I think I'd just been unlucky up until then and had some particularly unpleasant PE teachers, which is why I never enjoyed them. Konrad made me want to give it my all. However, he only yelled at us when we were really slacking off. If one of us couldn't do an exercise or didn't do it correctly, Kondi didn't just give us clues, but patiently showed us and explained. Our shared workouts brought us closer together.

Konrad didn't stop at weekly meetings. He developed a kind of obsession with a healthy, sporty lifestyle. He constantly pestered Czaki, urging him to quit smoking. He carried a one-liter bottle of carrot juice with him to school and offered it to everyone. He came up with the idea that we should spend every weekend outdoors, preferably hiking. He wanted to go to the seaside or the mountains, but he only managed to organize a trip to the Kampinos Forest. Always something!

I was looking forward to this trip. Weekend trips to my grandmother's allotment had become boring. Besides, I felt so great in the company of my friends!

We set off first thing in the morning, first by local bus, then on foot. The day was beautiful, sunny, and very warm. Lush greenery burst from the trees and bushes all around us. As soon as we entered the forest, the scent of damp earth, leaves, and pine needles enveloped us. We walked along one of the trails, Konrad leading the way, his hair tied back with a red bandana, wearing his funny, checkered Bermuda shorts and enormous hiking boots. His muscular calves gleamed in the sun. Robi and I followed close behind. Of course, Robcio was perfectly prepared for this trip. He had a whole bunch of treats in his backpack, although we didn't intend to wander the forest until dusk. He carried his flora atlas under his arm and was once again searching for the names of the plants we passed along the way. But I especially liked his canvas hat with the yellow lettering "Sopot" and his large sunglasses. When I saw him all dressed up like that, I couldn't resist laughing, "Hey, we're going to the forest, not the pier." Robi, of course, was not offended, but he started to prove to me that ultraviolet rays are harmful everywhere, not to mention ticks that can fall from a tree onto your head.

Marti and Czaki trailed far behind us. They'd been acting strange lately. I even thought they'd had a fight, but I guess I was wrong. In any case, I sensed some tension between them. Now they were walking side by side, chatting quietly. I glanced back a few times, searching for any signs that might allow me to guess what had happened between them. I saw nothing. Seeing me glancing back, Robi said,

"Don't worry, they'll catch up soon," and after a moment added, "A couple in love."

This comment amused me. Indeed, the boys were practically inseparable. They always sat together to and from school, sharing a desk, and stood side by side during breaks. It was strange that Marti hadn't brought Czaki to Konrad's training sessions.

"Have they always been like this?" I asked Robi.

"Huh, huh, since kindergarten! They live close to each other, they're like brothers," he explained.

I realized I hadn't been to either of their homes until now. I knew Czak had an older sister who had recently married and was about to have a baby, and Marti was probably an only child. I couldn't imagine what Czak's room would look like. The boy was full of contradictions. Now, at the end of the school year, it was clear that Czak was the best student in our class. His speeches and writing, especially in Polish and history, were at a much higher level than the rest of the students. Quiet, taciturn, even shy, he never raised his voice, never swore. Yet he dressed like a tramp, ruffling his black-and-red hair, and always carrying a pack of cigarettes. I felt he liked me, yet I shyed every time he looked at me. Those dark eyes of his piercing eyes were like X-rays.

We reached a fork in the road, where a large wooden signpost stood and what looked like a bench made of thick logs. We decided to rest for a while. It was getting hotter.

Robi pulled out a bottle of juice and crackers. Konrad nodded disapprovingly, but he was the first to go for the cookies.

"It's so hot!" he groaned. He

took off his shirt and tied it around his head like a turban.

"Why are you rushing so much?" Robcio muttered. "We're on a walk, aren't we?

" "Hiking," Konrad corrected him.

"Exactly," I interjected. "It's not orienteering.

" "Oh, you whiners!" Konrad just waved his hand.

After a moment, Czaki and Marti joined us.

"Did we make it?" Czaki asked.

"Where?

" "To the finish line

!" "Next!" Konrad clutched his head. "You can stroll around the park.

" "You even fly like crazy in the park," Marti laughed.

"I won't take you again.

" "What's that structure on your head?" Czaki asked, sitting under a tree opposite the bench.

"My own invention," Konrad replied. "Aren't you hot?"

Czaki shook his head.

"What, are your gears overheated?"

Kondi glared at him, but said nothing more, just lay down on the grass, resting his head on his own backpack and tilting his face to the sun. Marti sat down next to him, plucked a tuft of grass, and then began tickling Konrad with it. The boy initially shuddered, perhaps thinking it was some kind of bug. He cracked one eye open and, seeing Marti's smiling face above him, growled,

"I'm going to hit you, son."

Marti just chuckled.

Robi took out a map to check our route. He showed me the route of our hike. I thought then that he couldn't just go anywhere without a map and the rolling pin Mom had prepared. On the other hand, I admired how he applied himself to everything, while I ignored many things.

I really liked Robi. I'd grown accustomed to his manner, though I still made fun of him for some things. There was no malice in it. However, I knew that my school friends treated Robcio like some kind of freak of nature, as if he were retarded. Their knowing glances and smiles irritated me. A few times, I heard one of the many nicknames they'd come up with for Robie. No one bothered to get to know him better to see what a great friend he was. Robcio didn't notice this behavior, or perhaps he pretended not to. He was equally kind to everyone. There were times when I longed to do something to convince all those people that they were gravely mistaken in thinking Robie was a freak. I just didn't know how.

"We could go on trips like this more often," Robcio's voice snapped me out of my reverie

. "Aha," I grumbled.

"Exactly!" Konrad continued. "And when I kept trying to persuade you, you wouldn't listen.

" "By the way," Marti chimed in. "Are you going on vacation?"

"I'm going to Władysławowo for two or three weeks, like every year," Robi announced. "Besides that, I don't know yet.

" "And I have a training camp in July," Konrad said.

"I'll probably spend the whole summer at Grandma's allotment," I muttered. "Why do you ask?

" "I was thinking we could go somewhere together. Czak and I are going to England for a week, to a festival, but we don't have any plans for the rest of the summer.

" "Are you going to a rock festival together?" Kondi asked

. "Yes, you can come with us if you want.

" "Nooo," a note in Konrad's voice sounded unfamiliar to me. Jealousy?

A strange thought occurred to me: maybe Konrad felt left out, now that I'd somehow taken his deskmate away from him. He never showed any resentment; quite the opposite, he seemed pleased with the situation. He probably needed more space. Besides, why would he feel left out? He was practically the leader of our pack, always in charge. Maybe it was just that lately, more things had come up between Marti and Czaki that we hadn't shared? I hadn't known they were going to England together until now. Wow, alone? To a festival? To a foreign country? I'd be afraid, not to mention that my parents wouldn't let me go.

I glanced at Czaki. He was sitting on the ground, leaning back against a tree. He was twirling a pinecone he'd found along the way. He smiled mysteriously, gazing into the distance. He looked a bit like a forest sprite, or a troll with that funny, wild hair. Was it just a facade, or did he truly have his own way? He seemed very independent. Perhaps his parents took him seriously, or perhaps they gave him too much leeway.

He slowly turned his head and looked me straight in the eye. He probably realized I'd been watching him for a while. He winked at me, put a finger to his lips, signaling me not to speak, and then threw a pine cone at Konrad and Marti. Hit in the shoulder, Marti flinched and looked up, thinking it might have fallen from the tree onto him. At that moment, I couldn't help myself and burst out laughing.

"Is that you?" the boy looked at me reproachfully. I shook my head.

He glanced at Czaki. He sat there with an innocent expression, but Marti still guessed.

"Why are you throwing pine cones at me?" he asked.

"Just like that," Czaki laughed.

"Just like that?" Marti jumped up.

At that very moment, Czaki jumped to his feet and began to run. He weaved through the trees, slipping out of Marti's chasing reach. Konrad propped himself up on his elbow, watching the scene disapprovingly.

"You'll hurt yourselves, kids," he said. "

Wow, be careful." Robi was folding his map with reverence

. Marti was faster. He caught up with Czaki and grabbed his wrists. They wrestled for a moment, until Czaki finally gave up and was pinned to the trunk of a large oak tree.

"What should I do to you now?" Marti asked. "Put you in an anthill?"

Czaki burst into laughter. It had been a long time since I'd seen him in such a good mood.

"Maybe we should play hide-and-seek again?" came Konrad's sarcastic remark.

He was still lying on the grass, leaning against his backpack. He narrowed his eyes and watched his friends' antics with a strange expression. I got the impression he didn't like their behavior at all. But why? Maybe Konrad simply wanted our group to be a unit and was annoyed that Marti and Czaki had their own affairs. It didn't bother me. After all, they'd known each other for so long.

"Come on," Konrad rose to his feet. "We still have a long way to go.

" "Do we have to wander around like this?" Robi protested. "Can't we just sit here? It's so nice...

" "Robi..." Konrad stood right above him, put his hands on his hips, and assumed a menacing expression .

"Okay, I'm getting ready," Robcio muttered.

We slung our backpacks back onto our shoulders and slowly moved on. Konrad glanced back at the friends lagging behind. I couldn't guess what that strange expression on his face meant.

***

I was sitting on the couch and simply couldn't move. It was as if I had become a part of this place. The scattered clothes around me reminded me that I should finally decide what to wear. I couldn't. My clothes suddenly seemed old, worn, out of style, and on top of that, everything looked wrong. Surely no girl would complain like I did. Besides, who would notice me there?

I felt like I'd been accidentally invited to a party. During a long break, I was standing by the window with Czak and Marti when Aśka approached us and mentioned that she was throwing a party for her birthday.

"There will be a ton of people," she insisted. "It's also a way to say goodbye to the school year. Everyone really has to show up; you can't be averse to it."

We agreed. The invitation surprised us a bit. Until now, Aśka and her friends had stayed away from us. I'd heard about a few parties organized by certain groups in our class, but no one had ever invited us to one before. Maybe this time they really were planning to get the whole class together? However, I was almost certain that if I didn't show up, no one would notice anyway.

"Piotr, what are you talking about? Not ready yet?" Mom peeked into the room. "Get dressed, it's late. Are you sure you don't want to be picked up?

" "No, I'll take the bus with the boys," I sighed, getting up. I had to do something.

I glanced critically at the pile of clothes. Did it really matter? I chose gray denim jeans and a black T-shirt. I'd blend in. While I was getting dressed, the phone rang.

"Piotr, answer it, it's for you!" Mom called

. "Hello?

" "Hi Piti, what time are we meeting?" I heard Konrad's voice on the other end.

"I don't know, half past?"

"Okay, I might be a little late. Do you know what's going on with Rob?"

"No. I called him, but no one answered. I didn't have time to make an appointment with him.

" "Exactly! He dropped out of school like someone was chasing him.

" "He had a dentist appointment today," I explained. "Maybe he'll come to the party later?

" "Sure! Would Robi pass up the free food?

" "Ooh, that was mean!

" "I know," Kondi chuckled. "I'm mean! Okay, man, we won't bother looking at the remaining mimosas and just go have some fun ourselves.

" "OK, see you at half past."

I hung up the phone, feeling my mood lift a bit. Konrad always had a good effect on me. I got ready in a flash. Mom stopped me at the door.

"Just don't come back late, I'll get nervous," she carefully adjusted the collar of my jacket. "It's best if you stay up until ten.

" "Mom..." I groaned.

"I still think you should buy that girl flowers; it's her birthday, after all.

" "Oh dear, it's just an excuse to throw a party." You don't bring flowers to parties like that.

"And how could you possibly know?"

This question, spoken in a voice full of resentment, stung. Indeed, I had no idea how my peers enjoyed themselves at such gatherings. A good boy didn't crash parties. He stayed at home with his mommy. I didn't want to admit it to myself.

I walked through the deserted streets. Dusk was slowly falling. I reached the bus stop at half past eight. I checked the timetable. There were five minutes left until the bus arrived. Across the street, I spotted Konrad. I waved at him. A moment later, he was beside me.

"Did you get those strands in your hair again?" I touched the thin braids on his head.

He slapped my hand away like an annoying insect.

"Leave it! It's a work of art.

" "Aha... I thought that was the hallmark of your tribe."

Konrad glared at me.

"Did you catch that peculiar sense of humor from Robcio?" "

Perhaps..."

The bus braked, emitting a series of unpleasant squeaks and grinding sounds. Despite the empty seats, we stood on the wheel. The passengers stared at Konrad. I was amused. It takes so little to surprise people. Maybe I should do something to my head too? No... that's not my style.

When we reached Aśka's building, I was overcome with doubt again. Was this really the right place for me? But Konrad pulled me along, and a moment later we were at the doorstep.

"Load up!" Mirek invited us.

It seemed we were among the first to arrive. In the living room, a few classmates were sitting on the couch and armchairs. The middle of the room remained empty. The girls were still preparing something in the kitchen, though the window sills were covered with bowls full of chips, crisps, nuts, plates of sandwiches, and a whole bunch of bottles of various alcoholic beverages.

Konrad poured himself some orange juice and grabbed a handful of salty sticks.

"Cheek, shishi," he muttered, his mouth full.

I shook my head. I didn't feel like eating or drinking. I sat down on an empty chair. Someone turned up the music. Marta and Ewa emerged from the kitchen with plates full of cookies, chocolates, and other sweets. A moment later, Aśka also appeared. She looked very pretty and somehow... different from how she looked at school. She was wearing black leather shorts, very short and very tight. Dark stockings and high-heeled shoes accentuated her shapely legs. The skimpy blouse stopped just above her navel, revealing her entire bare stomach, flat and very pretty. She had tied her long, blond hair in a ponytail. She was truly breathtaking. Perhaps she'd just put a little too much makeup on her face. But she exuded an incredible scent.

She graced me with only a fleeting glance. She glanced around the room, circled the guests twice, and then disappeared into the bathroom.

More and more people were arriving. Most were classmates, but some I didn't know at all. Konrad quickly assimilated into the surroundings. He engaged in small talk, cracked jokes, and devoured an incredible amount of crisps. I felt a bit like a useless piece of equipment, left in a corner. No one paid me any attention.

So I was happy when I saw Marti and Czak. They entered hesitantly, looking around. I waved at them, so Czaki pulled Marti along and they came over to me.

"How's the party?" Czak asked

. "Okay," I replied without enthusiasm

. "I see Konrad's settled in, but where's Robi?

" "I don't know, I thought he'd come with you. I couldn't reach him."

Aśka floated into the center of the room from the back of the apartment. With a charming smile, she headed straight for us.

"It's so nice of you to drop by!" she exclaimed. Her eyes sparkled and her lips still curved into a smile. "Get whatever you want—drinks, beer, wine, sweets," she chattered. "It's going to be a hell of a party!"

I noticed Czaki shrink into himself. He took a step back and leaned against the wardrobe. It seemed to me that she was overwhelming him. He studied her sexy outfit, her bold makeup, her fluffy, blond hair that shook with every movement of her head, but instead of admiration, his eyes held surprise and apprehension. He grimaced, as if the scent of her perfume irritated him.

Someone changed a record, and a steady thumping sound came from the speakers. A few people started to jiggle, the first couple swayed. For a moment, Aśka watched the dancers, then suddenly grabbed Marti's hand and tugged, announcing,

"You have to dance with me!"

She threw her arms around the surprised boy's neck, pulling him into the middle of the room. After a moment's hesitation, he shyly wrapped his arms around her waist. The girl tilted her head back and fixed her partner with a delighted gaze. I was beginning to suspect I knew the reason she'd invited us to her birthday party.

I turned to Czaki to share my observation, and at the same time, he looked at me. In the split second before he lowered his eyelids and looked away, I saw despair in his eyes. I couldn't utter a word. Czaki tried to cover his confusion with a faint smile.

"Want a drink?" he asked, approaching the windowsill lined with bottles. I nodded.

He brought me a tall glass, ice cubes rattling in it, floating in Fanta mixed with vodka. I took a small sip – I hadn't often drunk alcohol before.

He sat down on the floor, leaning back against the cabinet. I slid off my stool and plopped down next to him. We sipped our drinks in silence, watching the dancing couples. Was it possible that Czaki had a crush on Aśka? If so, he hid it well. Perhaps he was really excited about this party, had high hopes for it, and yet he'd been so disappointed. What's more, the girl was losing her mind over his best friend. What a sad coincidence!

I searched in vain for words that could cheer him up. Unfortunately for us, Konrad appeared.

"Why are you so sad?" he crouched down beside us for a moment. "Get moving, so many beautiful girls around. Entertain one of them, take a cue from the handsome one." See how he's spinning our birthday girl?

Czak just bit his lip. At that moment, someone changed the recording. Sharp guitars began playing – "Smell Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. Cheers rang out, and even those who had been leaning against the walls began jumping. Czak set down his empty glass, jumped up, and joined in the wild jumping. He seemed to be trying to get all his disappointment and anger out by pounding the floor with his heavy boots. Man, I wouldn't want Czak and Marti to fight over some stupid girl!

"What about you, you scumbag?" I heard Konrad's voice above me. "Move!"

He helped me up from the carpet, and soon I was dancing this strange form of pogo, bumping into my friends and reeling with laughter. We went wild through a few Nirvana and Offspring songs, but when someone turned out the lights, the initially innocent shoving turned more violent. Someone gave me a hard shove, someone elbowed me in the side. I decided to retreat. I headed toward the dimly lit hallway. In front of the mirror, I straightened my shirt and ruffled hair. I noticed warm light seeping from the half-open door of the other room. I peered in and stopped dead in my tracks. Two completely naked couples were sprawled across the king-size bed. Clothes and empty bottles lay scattered around. I quickly slammed the door shut. I wasn't prepared for something like this. Standing there in the empty hallway, I suddenly felt terribly lonely. About thirty people were partying nearby, but I had nothing in common with most of them. It was as if we were from different galaxies.

I turned back, leaned against the doorframe in the threshold, and tried to spot my friends among the swirling mass in the dark room. The darkness was cut by the crisscrossing beams of small flashlights and laser pointers, which the dancers were toying with. The shouts indicated that most of the people were already very drunk. I wasn't enjoying the whole party anymore.

Suddenly, Aśka appeared right next to me, dragging Marti behind her. She motioned for me to follow her. She led us to the kitchen, where an unknown boy was snoozing at a wooden table. The girl paid him no attention. She opened a wooden, handcrafted breadbasket and, with unconcealed joy, showed us its interior.

"My parents would die if they saw this!" "She burst out laughing.

Inside the container was a small plastic bag containing white powder, some vials, a package wrapped in silver foil, and some strange tubes.

"A potluck party," she winked at us. "What can I get you?"

It was only then that I realized they were drugs. I was literally speechless. I panicked; I didn't know what to do. I glanced at Marti. He was as surprised as I was.

"This meth is supposed to be awesome," Aśka encouraged. "How about a joint to get you started?"

Without waiting for our response, she lit up. She took a deep drag and handed the weed to Marti. He held it delicately between his thumb and middle finger. As he inhaled the smoke, he closed his eyes, and his cheeks hollowed for a moment, highlighting his handsome cheekbones. I noticed that the girl, without taking her dreamy gaze from him, rose on her tiptoes and then sank back with a sigh as he exhaled the blue mist through his mouth and nose simultaneously. A moment later, I was holding the aromatic joint myself. I tried it, partly out of curiosity and partly because I didn't want to seem like a wimp, a polite puppet. To my disappointment, I felt nothing special. As the cigarette began its next lap, Czaki appeared in the kitchen doorway. He looked tired, or was it sadness? Marti wordlessly extended his hand with the half-smoked cigarette. Czaki sniffed the merchandise first, then took a puff. A shout came from the other room.

"Damn, they can't do without me?" Asia groaned.

As she left, she touched Marti's arm.

"Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back," she whispered.

Czaki continued to stare at the door through which she had disappeared. He finished his joint, not sharing it with anyone. Then he began to look through the contents of the breadbox with interest. He pulled out each item, weighed it in his hand, and examined it from all sides with an incredibly focused expression.

"Hey, leave that," Marti nudged him. "Let's get out of here. "

Czaki's left eyebrow rose in surprise.

"Tired of playing?"

Marti asked, leaning against the sink and tilting his head back so that his blond hair fell over his neck and his slightly quivering Adam's apple stood out.

"I want to go home!" – he groaned. – It's terribly boring here, and on top of that, this girl won't leave me alone! What am I supposed to talk to her about?!

Czak laughed. I could feel the tension draining away like air from a punctured balloon.

– I have to go too – I agreed with Marti. – Gosh, it's almost eleven!

– You're not even going to use the arsenal? – Czaki slammed the lid of the breadbasket.

– Give me a break! – Marti snarled. – I don't know why I burned that garbage. I guess my sanity is impaired after a drink.

– I guess so – Czaki grinned.

– Should I be reading into some kind of subtext? – Marti, assuming a menacing expression, leaned over Czak.

– Give me a break, Piti's making fun of us

. Marti glanced at me, shook his head resignedly, and ruffled Czak's hair.

"Sneak to the door, and I'll try to get Konrad out," he said as he left.

Czaki stood there, his hair still disheveled, his gaze wandering dreamily across the floor. A faint blush appeared on his cheeks. He smiled to himself. Now I knew he didn't care about Aśka at all.

***