This is what hell is all about

Unrequited love is a specific kind of hatred.

Let's be wary of its victim –

the thinking loner

(from Japanese wisdom).

Roof, roof, roof... roof, roof, there it is! So – ROOF – internal conflict will negatively impact your health.

God, what a hopeless dream book I've bought. What internal conflict?! And what else is there? A tile. Well, when I dreamed of a roof, I might as well have dreamed of a tile, right? TILE – someone misses you very much and is waiting for some kind of message.

Well, finally something meaningful. So I knew. HE misses me. And my message is simply a gesture and a signal. Simple.

Dear God, no clothes, no sensible clothes!!! He saw me in that, it makes me look fat... It will emphasize that I'm flat... I don't look good in blue... Hmm, there's some black clothing. He wears black all the time, I'm sure he'll like the fact that I'm all in black...

So here I am, princess of darkness. I hope my boss doesn't fire me because of this...

Damn traffic, I'm late for work!!! Of course, every time I want to be on time, something like this happens? What time is it? Great, just great, in exactly 6 minutes HE'll be entering the office. Simply brilliant. MOVE ON, YOU DUMBASS!!! WHAT ARE YOU HONKING AT ME?!!!

Why do these windows have to distort so much? Oh my God, I see his car! He's late, isn't that a twist of fate? A beaming smile, I'll play with my hair a bit...

- Hi Paweł...

- Hi Ola... How's it going?

- Very good...

- That's great... (silence, I hate it. It's not true that silence isn't awkward. For me, it's the worst and most embarrassing thing in the world) - Well, this is my floor. For now!

The thing is, I won't win him over if I'm so happy. That doesn't suit me, does it? No. So think logically – what did he like about you this summer? Well? Think hard!

So it's probably just my mysteriousness, the fact that I've never liked fooling around, that I preferred to sit and talk... Although he's an optimist, an active optimist at that, and he likes to fool around... He simply needs a change, and I'm a pessimist and like to sit and think...

It's all my fault! I ruined it all! Me!!! No one else! You shouldn't have chosen Anna as your intermediary. I learned everything from her, and through her he conveyed some wonderful revelations to me. He loves me, oh God, he wants to be with me... And I screwed it all up, because how can you call it alone time and silence? My God, it was pathetic! I didn't know what to say, and then... I don't blame him at all!!! No, he had the right! It was all my fault. If it weren't for me, we would already be together. All I had to do was speak up, but no, there was just one long silence... He must have thought I was stupid; I would have thought the same about myself. I'm a fool...

Our Father, who art in heaven... Please, God, I beg you so much, make us be together... Me and Paweł, I beg you so much, so much, nothing more, please, please, make us be together, I want it so much, you know best how much, you know, please, make him love me again, let him love me the way I love him, oh God, I beg you so much, so much, so much...

It's already winter... And all I think about is him, a complete idiot. I love him so much, and it's all my fault. If it weren't for me... If I hadn't been so silent then, he probably wouldn't have gone back to that Marta! He was supposed to just talk to her when she came back from her Toruń, that they couldn't be together anymore, that he'd met me. And Anna said he didn't know anymore. And then... And then, like a coelenterate with that awful Marta... God, how I hate myself for this, it's all my fault, I could have tried harder... How I hate Marta for meeting him, how I hate her for coming here, why? WHY? I ruined everything, and then she fixed it and took away all my hopes... And then he broke up with her right before she left... He must have realized his mistake, after all, Marta is a complete idiot... But he never came back to me, it was definitely because of me. I could have gone to him, taken an interest, and I, stupid, preferred to wait! Idiot, idiot! IDIOT!!!

I saw him again in the hallway, he smiled. He smiled exactly like that on the trip, yes, it's the same smile... Maybe he still loves me, but he feels bad about all this mess with Marta. He probably thinks that since I was silent then, I'll be silent now... He definitely thinks so... I have to give him a sign...

Today we were talking and it was so sweet... I felt so... chocolatey. Like I was melting in a mug of hot chocolate... Mmmm...

We're going with friends!!! He'll be there too, God, you're wonderful, it's a sign, a true sign, really!!! Everything can be fixed, this atmosphere will be rebuilt, everything will be alright!!! I'm so happy, all I can think about is that!

Oh God, God, why, my God, why? Too young... God, I'm too young!!! He's only five years older than me, what does that mean at our age? I don't want anything, I don't want anything... I want to die, or fall asleep and wake up in a year to know what happened, I don't want to go through all this!!! I feel like a scumbag, like an idiot, I can't, I don't want to look him in the eye!!! It's over with, I have to wake up... And he said it so horribly, just lying there, so casually, as if I were nothing, as if I were completely unimportant... '"You'll find someone"... Doesn't he understand that this someone won't be him anymore, it won't be his hair, his eyes, his smile, his gaze??? It won't be him, it will be someone else, a stranger, and I only want him, there's nothing left of him...

But he definitely loves me. He only said that because he's afraid of commitment. And I'm stupid, jumping to conclusions... It only seemed that way to me, driven by emotion... Everything will be alright, for sure, it will be alright, I pray to God for Him, everything has to be alright, everything will be alright, everything, everything will be alright... It will be alright, it will be alright, He will be mine, I will be His, we will be alright...

It was so wonderful... I was walking down the hall, and He was in front of me, and when He saw me out of the corner of his eye, He turned around and pretended to be looking for something, and just—"Hi Ola," but so sweet that I could listen to that "Hi Ola" for the rest of my life. I could record it and work with headphones in, and then I would get the best results. Love inspires...

I'm deluding myself... I'm deluding myself, there's nothing between us and there never will be, I have to stop, I have to be free... There's no point in deceiving myself like that, I'll find someone else, for sure, he's not the only one on this earth, for sure. Besides, if he loved me, we would have been together long ago. It's not my fault, it's him, he's stupid, he's irresponsible, he's a child. I need to forget about him, lick these wounds... None of this was my fault. It's just starting to sink in, it's all him...

He loves me. I've tried to forget about Him, but I can't, because I'd be giving up something, and what? Am I supposed to just throw away 10 months of my life? Oh NO! He loves me, and I have so much hope, so much hope inside me... Hope is so much, so much. If you believe and hope, you'll get what you want... He loves me, He loves me, He loves me... How stupid I was to want to give it up... He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me... Whenever I try to think about Him differently, something inside me screams that it's impossible, and I cling to that voice... The only question is, am I clinging to it out of convenience, hope, or is it actually some kind of instinct, some kind of intuition? Or am I just a coward who can't face the truth, face it, and win? Such a renunciation of these feelings... It will hurt... But doesn't it hurt now, too? God, I don't know what to do... He loves me, he definitely loves me... It has to be this way, because he is HIM, the one whose soul perfectly matches mine... He loves me... He loves me, definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely!

If love gives me wings, then why do I feel like my wings are tied? Like I'm trying to fly, but I can't, something's holding me here...

It's over, it's simply over... Her name is Monika, she's pretty, with beautiful, long black hair, she looks so much like him. She's cheerful, likes to have fun and fool around, I'm sure that's how it is. She has everything I'm missing, and most of all – she has him. How did she manage that? I've been trying for so long to do something, but it just doesn't work...

My life has no meaning. He gave it meaning, and now it has nothing left. A year has passed since I met him, it's pointless. He loved me, even a month ago, in this corridor, he definitely loved me then, and here's Monika... If I don't kill myself, I'll kill Him, or Her... I can't kill Him, because I love Him too much, and killing that whore will make Him unhappy, and I can't let that happen, I can't... I have to kill myself... But I don't want to die, I don't want to...

Hail Mary, full of grace... Mother, why? Why did you allow my most precious possession to be so brutally destroyed? Why? So many of my prayers, to you, to God, to your Son... Why? Why? Why? WILL YOU ANSWER ME??? You won't answer, because it's all pointless, you know that. I love him, and you made him no longer love me, is that so funny? Is it so funny when someone prays to do the opposite!!! Why? This question keeps running through my head, and she's already so deprived of everything, there's only WHY written in capital letters... And it gets so tangled, WHY, and I have no room for anything, I'm so lost, and it's such a simple question, why can't I get a simple answer? It's so little, I have to know, I have to, or else I'll go crazy or kill myself, and I don't want to die...

I haven't seen you in a month,

and nothing. I may be paler,

a little sleepy, a little more silent,

but apparently you can live without air!

It's not true, you can't live without air, you can't!!! I'm suffocating here, I'm suffocating!!! Paweł, why her and not me? Why all this? Where's the air? I'm dying, I don't want to, I'm suffocating, suffocating, suffocating... Give me air!!! This feeling was air, and you took it away from me, locked it in some chamber, this air will soon run out, I will suffocate here and die... I don't want to die, Pavel, I don't want to, it takes so little to stop me from dying, only you are enough for me... Only you... Only you, you, you, you, you, you, you...

"The most terrible of all is the awareness of unrequited love - that's what hell is" (Dostoyevsky) - Hell on earth, I have hell on earth, I can't stand it, I have to free myself from it, free myself, I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to free myself from it, I have to free myself from my hell on earth, I have to free myself, God, I'm so sorry, I don't love you anymore, I can't, I can't after what you've done to me, I have to free myself from hell, I have to free myself, I have to free myself... There's no way out of hell except death... But I don't want to die, why do I have to die? I only loved, I wanted nothing more, only love... It's not that much, and why do I have to pay such a price for it? Moreover, I received nothing... I gave, but nothing was given back... I have to escape from here... I would like to die and start over, pure, without all this, without these memories, but wiser... I want to turn back time and never meet you...

2. I hate you... I hate you.... I hate her and you.... Her and you... Why should I die... If you can too? I hate you, I was so close to going from love to hate, so easily... I hate you and I love you, I hate you for what you did to me, but I love you because I can't forget you...

I don't know why... I just got carried away, it turns out that money can buy anything... It's just sitting there, beautiful and sleek, black... I wonder why I bought it... Why did I buy you, little pistol... Why, tell me? You're so pretty, you fit so well in my hand... shot, shot... You hit it so easily... Oh, you're so wonderful...

I don't know why... I checked everything... She lives with him... The bedroom is upstairs... After they left, I sneaked into the house. No security, you can enter easily and quietly, you just have to saw off the latch on the gazebo side and you're home... Anyway, it doesn't matter, why do I need this information? There's no need for me to come in while they're gone, right? God, you see, I've healed... I'm almost free... Almost, just one more string on my wings, and I'll fly like a bird into the sky, it'll feel so good, so wonderful, I'll be free, and there'll be no more Paweł inside me...

Truly, I don't care about Paweł anymore. Let him live with that Monisia...

Tomorrow they'll definitely be at home all night... They don't have reservations at any theater or cinema, they haven't bought tickets, there are no parties... Tomorrow they're home...

God, that damn chain won't let go... Come on... Just a little longer... Someone will see me... Well, finally...

The kitchen... How pretty, how green, oh well. Where are the stairs... Aha! A pistol... My love, are you there? You're there, sitting comfortably, wait, just a little longer...

***

A red trickle gently glides across my wrist... Very slowly, scratching my hand... It itches a little, but I don't want to destroy this perfect trickle... Red, red, like my love for you, Paweł, why you destroyed it, I don't know, I'll never know, after all, you loved me, I loved you more than anyone else in this world... But now I'm leaving, the only person who ever loved you so sincerely is leaving... I'm freeing myself from this hell, I'm freeing myself, I'm leaving... I'm so sorry, Paweł, but I had to kill you, I really am. I only wanted to kill her, so you would know how I felt without a loved one, alone in my pain and hope. But you turned out to be a worthless selfish person, you let me kill her, you didn't fight for her at all... Do you think I was looking at her when I shot her? No, I was looking at you, and you son of a bitch were only afraid for your skin... If you hadn't begged me to let you go alive, maybe I would have, but you're a coward, and I hate cowards... I hate you... It was so sweet, blood on blue sheets... Blood... I have no strength left to wipe away the tears, everything is so strange... I sink into myself, as if I were going deep inside, and it's so good, so safe, so warm and peaceful... Drip, drip, drip, a red stain, a red drop drips onto it, and I feel so good, I have to sit on something, I feel sick, so weak, so weak, yet so warm, so good, drip, drip, see what I have to do to free myself from all this? Drip, drip, warm and red, warm and red...

I feel the rope slipping from my wings...