Red Riding Hood spotted another pimple and squeezed it hard between her fingers. He hated his face, almost as much as he hated Saturday mornings, his grandmother always being sick, and the oatmeal Mother made every morning.
"Little Red Riding Hood!" came Mother's loud call. "Come downstairs!"
"I'm coming..." Little Red Riding Hood muttered to his haggard face, still marked by the marks of freshly squeezed pimples.
He turned his back to the mirror and looked around his sterile room once more, which Mother had visited the previous evening, consumed by her usual cleaning mania. All his comics were neatly organized on the shelves, and the things that had only yesterday been piled on the chair and littered the floor had disappeared somewhere in the oak wardrobe.
Little Red Riding Hood truly hated it when anyone entered his room, and he hated it even more when Mom cleaned.
"Little Red Riding Hood!" came the call again.
"I'm coming!" Little Red Riding Hood shouted back, irritably, and grabbed the doorknob.
He closed his eyes and sighed heavily. He knew perfectly well about the cake Mom had hidden in the basement, the plastic Coke cups stuffed behind the coffee set, and the paper "Happy Birthday" hats Mom had hidden in the jam cabinet. He opened the door and walked slowly down the hall, gazing with unconcealed disapproval at the highly polished floor. Mom loved polishing her laminate floorboards. She did it every day, with a special cloth and "Panelix" product.
Even before he entered the kitchen, he smelled the sharp aroma of Mom's festive perfume and the faint odor of runny oatmeal.
"Little Red Riding Hood!" Mom crowed with joy and threw herself around his neck, showering his cheeks with a volley of wet kisses.
Little Red Riding Hood discreetly moved away from Mom's overly perfumed cleavage and her dangerous proofs of love. Mom was an incredibly tall and powerfully built woman, wearing a gigantic, indestructible bun.
"Happy birthday, honey!" Mom chirped happily, patting Little Red Riding Hood's cheek. "Daddy and I have a wonderful surprise for you! Right?"
Dad looked at them listlessly and belched in response, then put the can of "Wild Swan" back to his mouth. Little Red Riding Hood's dad was a lumberjack and worked five days a week in the forest, where he had a blast with a giant axe. He liked canned beer, Thursday strongman shows, and his sweaty mesh T-shirts. But most of all, he liked to utter his favorite phrase:
"You have to be a man, Little Red Riding Hood," he said to him, and sat down heavily at the table, on his creaking, gigantic stool. "Only tough guys are worth anything, son! You have to be a man!"
With that, he began to devour his porridge, the sight of which always made Little Red Riding Hood feel faint. Sometimes he felt as if the routine of his life was dictated by this wretched porridge. Trying not to think about its bland taste and repulsive consistency, he sat down next to his father, in his usual spot. Mother bustled about the kitchen, humming happily, wiping away nonexistent specks of dust.
"So, how did Mommy's dear gnomes sleep?" she crowed sweetly, turning her radiant face to her son.
Little Red Riding Hood clenched his teeth around the empty spoon. He wished it were metal. If it were wooden, he could try to bite through it, but now...
Yes, Little Red Riding Hood was a dwarf. An eighteen-year-old shrink, the one the whole class laughed at. If only he were as tall as his father or mother.
"Drafts didn't bother you, little bud?" Mom's voice was becoming increasingly sticky.
"No," Little Red Riding Hood grumbled and pushed the bowl away, not even touching his breakfast.
"Well, that's good, little puffball, because Mom opened the windows to let the germs out of the house.
" "Mom..." Little Red Riding Hood groaned. "Please, I'm eighteen. Don't talk to me like I'm a child."
"Sorry, little bud," Mom giggled. "I keep forgetting how much you've grown. Haven't you?"
Father looked up from the bowl and wiped his mouth with the back of his large, dirty hand.
"Well," he sealed his statement with a colorful hiccup. "The man's growing like a man! Remember, Little Red
Riding Hood, always be a man! A real man must be strong and tough as a rock! If you're a real man, people will respect you, and maybe you'll even get a good job like me!" With that, he slapped Little Red Riding Hood on the shoulder, almost sweeping him off his stool. Little Red Riding Hood rocked back on his stool and smiled wryly, massaging his aching arm. Working as a lumberjack wasn't exactly his dream; he preferred becoming a draftsman. As a lumberjack, he'd be better off breaking dried sticks than chopping down trees.
Suddenly, something creaked, and the kitchen was filled with the whining sounds of the kitchen clock's internal mechanisms. Little Red Riding Hood sighed imperceptibly, anticipating what was about to happen. "
Little Red Riding Hood," Mom's voice was tinged with sweetness, "It's time for you to go to see your sick grandmother. Daddy and I will be waiting for you with our surprise. When you get back, you'll see what we have for you. Right?
" "Aha," Dad muttered, scraping his spoon across the bottom of the bowl. "Do we have any more oatmeal?" "
I'll give it to you in a moment..." Mom replied, turning back to Little Red Riding Hood. "I've already prepared the food cart; it's by the door."
Little Red Riding Hood rose from the table, discreetly rolling her eyes. He couldn't imagine Grandma's food cart waiting for him anywhere other than by the door. He refrained from commenting, however.
"Just remember, honey, stay on the path," said Mom, following him. "There are so many scoundrels lurking in the forest today, I don't want anything to happen to you. Go straight to Grandma's house. Just take your jacket... No! Not this one, honey, it's too thin. Take the quilted one. And a scarf! Don't make such a face, it's chilly outside. Autumn drafts are very treacherous. You'll catch a cold and have to stay in bed again; you know how easily you catch cold."
Little Red Riding Hood only knew she had to set off as soon as possible, because she couldn't stand to hear Mommy talk any longer.
"Wait!" And the umbrella? She tucked a red, three-person umbrella under his arm and smiled from ear to ear. "Go ahead, honey, just remember what I said..."
Little Red Riding Hood gritted his teeth and went outside, dragging behind him a gigantic checkered cart, into which his mother stuffed food for his sick grandmother every Saturday. The cart disgusted him. He was ashamed of its loudly squeaking wheels, its grate, and the stinking smell of the cheeses it carried. Grandma had a penchant for various kinds of cheeses and always placed orders for them.
Grandma Gienia was a strange old woman who filled him with dread. She had no teeth or hair, but she did have a terrible set of false teeth, which she placed in a compote glass every night before going to sleep. Little Red Riding Hood never drank from Grandma's glasses because he couldn't shake the feeling that Grandma's plastic teeth had been soaked in them.
The cart creaked loudly as it bounced on a rock.
And then there was that umbrella, sticking out from under his arm like a red lance. Little Red Riding Hood shuddered at the thought of someone he knew seeing him. His mood was already spoiled; he didn't need the finger-pointing, especially on his birthday. Suddenly, he heard a loud clearing of the throat, coming from somewhere to his left.
The Wolf was sitting on a large rock in the shade of an oak tree, grinning at him in a friendly way.
"Hello, Little Red Riding Hood," he said cheerfully. "I knew you'd be passing this way."
With that, the Wolf stood up and brushed off his corduroy trousers.
"Well, it probably wasn't hard to guess which way I'd be passing, since I pass this way every Saturday..." Little Red Riding Hood muttered.
"You don't have to be so sarcastic," the Wolf said, but then added cheerfully, "I have a present for you!"
Little Red Riding Hood refrained from rolling his eyes. He had no idea that the Wolf wanted to give him a new issue of his favorite comic book, which he'd bought a week ago and had already read five times.
"Oh, thanks," Little Red Riding Hood replied without enthusiasm, packing the gift into the cart. "Here, hold that damn umbrella.
" "You're not even going to open it?" There was a hint of disappointment in the Wolf's voice.
Wilk Wyrwipałka was his best friend. Nay! The only one he had. They went to school together, where they quickly became the laughingstock of the entire class. He, a pimply dwarf, and Wilk, an effeminate health food fanatic. "
I'll unpack later, I'm in a hurry... Grandma's sick...
" "She's sick every week," Wilk muttered, more to himself than to his friend.
Little Red Riding Hood ignored Wilk's disgruntled growls and quickened his pace. The forest meadow smelled damp, drowning in a golden-brown ocean of grass. The path they were now walking was covered in a thick carpet of rotting leaves and mud. They passed silently tree trunks, blown down by the last storm, and wild raspberry bushes. After a short time, they reached a fork in the road, where a tall wooden pole stood. Little Red Riding Hood stopped beneath it and looked disapprovingly at the wooden arrow marked "Pieniaszki Village." "
I wish it were another day... It's my eighteenth birthday, after all," he said under his breath, glancing with growing interest at the arrow marked "Poplar Trail." "What do you say, Wolf, if we go for a walk this way?"
The Wolf scratched his buttocks and shook his head.
"I don't know, Little Red Riding Hood, we shouldn't stray from the path. It's dangerous, and besides..."
But Little Red Riding Hood wasn't listening anymore. He pushed the cart into the bushes so no one could see him and set off briskly down the path, which, according to the arrow, led to the Poplar Trail.
"Little Red Riding Hood, do you know what you're doing? What if someone attacks and rapes us?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Wolf," Little Red Riding Hood snorted. "We're men, who would rape us?"
"Well..." the Wolf trotted quickly after his friend. "Well, someone might accost us, or even kill us! It's a dark forest! Who's going to help us, anyway?
" "What forest? It's barely a grove... We'll walk a bit along the path, see what's interesting on the poplar trail, and then we'll come back. Don't worry. I'll still have time to run to Grandma's. Haven't you ever wanted to stray from the path? We can't just do what we're told our whole lives." The
Wolf shrugged, unsure whether in approval or indifference, and began whistling a familiar song. Ferns and tall, slender trees grew everywhere, which neither Little Red Riding Hood nor the Wolf could name. The path led them to a small bridge, which they crossed, and then to a large rock standing at a bend. As they passed it, they heard a quiet, somewhat hoarse cry for help. "Maybe we should go back now?" the Wolf asked anxiously, looking around. "Shhh!" Little Red Riding Hood put a finger to his lips and listened. "Do you hear? Someone's calling for help!" Without waiting for the Wolf's reaction, he raced forward and quickly rounded the bend. But then a strange sight met his eyes, and Little Red Riding Hood stopped as if struck by lightning.
A large metal cage hung from the branch of one of the trees, and inside it sat a man crouching.
"Help me," the man cried, pressing his grimy face to the bars.
His eyes were as black as two coals and as brilliant as stars. His emaciated body was covered by dirty and terribly tattered clothing. Little Red Riding Hood had never seen such a haggard human being, and if he hadn't been so surprised, he probably would have even felt sympathy.
"Who are you?" Little Red Riding Hood asked, curious. "
Don't talk to him," the Wolf panted, rushing to his friend, then aimed the tip of his umbrella at the cage. "He might have rabies!"
The man wrapped his fingers around the bars and made the saddest face Little Red Riding Hood had ever seen.
"Don't be silly..." Little Red Riding Hood whispered. "He's just some unfortunate."
"Help me, good young masters!" the unfortunate man cried.
"Who are you?" asked Little Red Riding Hood, approaching the cage. "Some kind of villain?"
"I'm not a villain!" the dirty head hastily denied. "Bad people locked me up here to die in this tree. They left me no water or food."
"It's a pity we left the cart; we would have given him some cheese and potatoes," the Wolf muttered, leaning close to Little Red Riding Hood's ear. "
Stop, Wolf, let him speak... So, why did they put you in this cage?"
"Good young master," the man began tearfully. "I was hungry, so I caught a fish from the pond..."
"And for that they locked you up here?" Little Red Riding Hood was surprised. "
The pond belongs to the lord of these lands, just like this forest... They caught me, and I was so hungry. I have a family to support, a wife, children, a dog, and..." Little Red
Riding Hood nodded understandingly. "
Release me, and I will repay you greatly!"
"With what?" If you don't have anything?" The Wolf looked suspicious, and this time Little Red Riding Hood didn't silence him.
He was also curious what the wretched wretch could give them. Little Red Riding Hood had never been greedy for gifts, not even fond of receiving them, but now he felt that perhaps he would receive something truly special. Something worth freeing the unfortunate fisherman from captivity for. "
I'll give you a herb, a magic herb," the man replied, staring down at them with his gleaming eyes.
"What herb?" The Wolf's eyes narrowed distrustfully.
Little Red Riding Hood licked his chapped lips. Things were getting more and more interesting, and he felt his heart pounding, demanding further explanation.
"It's a harmless plant that will make you happier. Thanks to it, you can gain a great deal..."
He paused and pulled two colorful flowers from under his shirttails, the scent of which immediately filled their nostrils.
"It smells beautiful," Wolf said, instantly losing his distrust and, setting his umbrella down, approaching to sniff. "Is that bergamot oil? I often rub it on my skin when I do yoga. It really improves my mood and makes me..."
"So how?" the man interrupted, his voice a bit impatient. "Will you help me?
" "Well, you haven't told us what this plant will give us yet," Little Red Riding Hood remarked. "How can an ordinary flower make us happy?"
A hint of a smile flitted across the man's sickly purple lips.
"It's an extraordinary plant... If you free me, it will give you what you desire. And I know you want to be more beautiful, happier..."
"How do you know?"
"Every young man wants that... You probably want to be taller, more confident, have better skin, and stop people from making fun of you anymore?"
Little Red Riding Hood didn't deny it. He was surprised that this strange man had guessed his dream perfectly... Well, maybe he also dreamed of his parents losing their memories, turning into bison, and escaping into the forest, but that was a secondary wish. What mattered more to him was that people would finally start looking at him more kindly. He wanted to be more confident, and he desperately wanted the girls at school to look at him with admiration, not to skulk against the wall with their mocking glances. Yes! He wanted beautiful skin, free of pimples and the marks of the childhood chickenpox he'd contracted from Grandma Gienia. He also wanted to be taller, so that no one would ever call him a dwarf again.
"And you? You probably long for more beautiful hair and more delicate facial features?"
The wolf blinked. He had always dreamed of lush, long hair, but nature had deprived him of it. He could only boast a thin stubble and the already emerging receding hairline. And yet, he so desperately dreamed of a career on the catwalk, where he could showcase his dazzling beauty, delicate as the morning breeze. With such beauty, he could also host his favorite Sunday show, "Jaroszowanie," where celebrities and celebrities smiled for the camera and cooked.
"Oh, right! How do you know? I'd also like to have a beautiful smile! I've had a crooked bite since childhood... Oh, right... You can see it, right? Even though I go to orthodontists, nothing works, and I'm so afraid of permanent braces. "
The man smacked his lips in understanding.
"Well, yes, of course. Beautiful teeth also bring happiness. So what about my release?" he grunted, clenching his fists around the bars of his cage and making a pathetic face again. "Will you do it? Please! Don't let me die here! I have to get back to my family! Provide for them!"
"Okay, okay," Little Red Riding Hood interrupted him hastily, ready to do anything to find out if the stranger's promise was true. "How can I do that?"
"Hood...!" The wolf tried to call him to order, but the vision of shiny hair falling over his shoulders left him speechless.
"Just reach for the key. It's there, under the stone," the man said, suddenly perking up. "No, not that stone... That big black one..."
"Why did they leave the key here?" Little Red Riding Hood wondered, approaching the cage with the old key. "
I don't know, maybe they wanted to torment me by not being able to reach it," the man replied hastily, urging Little Red Riding Hood on. "Hurry up, young master, or my pimps might arrive any minute. They often come here to mock me and my plight."
Little Red Riding Hood couldn't imagine mocking the plight of others. Mocking people disgusted him, as he himself was the most frequent target of mockery. Without further ado, he inserted the key into the lock and twisted it until something squeaked.
The man let out a sigh of joy, and as soon as the cage opened, he leaped out nimbly, dropping to one knee. For someone confined to such a small cage, he looked remarkably supple. Little Red Riding Hood, however, didn't want to pry, so he simply stood with Wolf and silently watched as the man performed a few energetic squats. Now he didn't seem so emaciated, or even dirty. His face was dark, but what had previously seemed like dirt now resembled a deep, chocolate tan. "
Thank you, young master!" the man exclaimed joyfully, looking at them with his piercing, black eyes. "Then accept this reward in gratitude!"
He handed them the flowers and smiled broadly, saying,
"Just taste one petal and your wish will come true...
" "And what's your name?" Wolf asked suddenly, as if only now remembering good manners and courtesy.
"My name is Leviathan, young master," the man replied, smiling once more. "Goodbye, young master, it's time for me to go. I have to go home. Thank you again... And I wish you a pleasant life! "
Little Red Riding Hood glanced at Wolf, and then they both fixed their gazes on Leviathan, who was retreating down the path. Little Red Riding Hood shivered with excitement, looking with growing curiosity at the flower in his hand.
"So, Wolf? Shall we try it? It doesn't matter if we eat one leaf, right?" He glanced at his friend, but Wolf was already chewing on his flower, grimacing with disgust.
Little Red Riding Hood, however, thought that nothing could be more disgusting than his mother's bowl of porridge and Saturday walks to Grandma Gienia's, so he quickly popped a petal into his mouth.
*
Little Red Riding Hood stretched lazily on the dew-damp grass and blinked tiredly. The sky peered through the tangle of bare branches and hummed menacingly, calling for rain.
It's going to rain, thought Little Red Riding Hood, and suddenly realized it was already morning.
Terrified, he sat down on the grass and looked around with frightened eyes. The empty cage hung where it had been yesterday, the ferns grew as before, the path was the same, but the Wolf... the Wolf snoring next to him seemed different somehow.
"Wolf, wake up..." Little Red Riding Hood touched his friend's shoulder and then he understood.
The Wolf was naked, and his entire body was covered in lush, thick fur. Even his face was darkened by the fur. Little Red Riding Hood shuddered and quickly closed his eyes, praying that everything was just a bad dream. But when he opened them, nothing had changed, and what lay beside him was not a nightmare at all, but his friend, Wolf Tug. He jumped to his feet and, jumping a meter away, nudged his friend with the heel of his slipper.
A slipper!?
"Aaaaah! Wake up, Wolf!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "Something's wrong!"
The Wolf turned over and blinked sleepily. For a moment he stared at Red Riding Hood as if he didn't recognize him, but then a macabre smile twisted his hairy face. Red Riding Hood shrieked again, this time at the sight of his friend's terrible fangs, and retreated even further.
"You look different somehow," the Wolf said, assessing Red Riding Hood, his gaze still dazed. "Something... feminine?"
"Did you see what happened? I'm wearing women's slippers! And you... And you're naked!" Red Riding Hood continued, waving his hand. "It was probably some pervert! He undressed us and probably took advantage of us! Do you feel different somehow?"
The Wolf smacked his lips.
"No, not really... Naked, you say?" The Wolf suddenly perked up and sat up as if scalded, examining his hairy body with even more hairy hands. "Why do I have fur? Red Riding Hood?! Why do I have fur everywhere?! Why?!
"I don't know, you idiot," growled Little Red Riding Hood, furious. "How am I supposed to know? Maybe it was hormones? Mom always said not to take anything from anyone, because they might give you sex hormones or something...
" "But I have fur! Everywhere! On my butt too?"
"On my butt too." Disgusted, Little Red Riding Hood looked away and glanced at his red slippers.
For a moment, they seemed quite pretty, but only for a moment. A moment later, he regained consciousness and burst out laughing again:
"Wolf, I'm wearing slippers! He must have undressed us! Maybe he was examining us in some perverse way?! We have to go to the police, do a forensic examination... I'll show them I have slippers and...
" "Not just slippers," said Wolf. "And a nice red cape and skirt too."
"The bottom... What? What are you talking about, idiot..."
But Little Red Riding Hood didn't finish. With horror, he realized his hand had found the smooth skirt, while the other slid across the satin cape. He squeezed his eyes shut and began breathing rapidly, his body shaking with hysteria uncontrollably.
"And..."
"And something else, right?" he whispered with growing anxiety, afraid to open his eyes.
"Well... I don't know whether to tell you this...
" "Tell me!" Little Red Riding Hood shouted, clenching his fists. "There's something else, right? I'm probably not pretty or tall?"
"But you are! You're the prettiest, tallest girl I've ever seen!" the Wolf exclaimed in admiration. "You're a beautiful girl, Little Red Riding Hood!"
Little Red Riding Hood no longer listened to the Wolf, but ran his trembling hands over his new, feminine body.
"I envy you... You got the body of a sex bomb, and I got fur and big teeth... I preferred my crooked bite..." the Wolf moaned regretfully, tapping his fingernail against his gleaming, white canines. "What am I going to do now?
" "You?! What are you going to do? What am I going to do! Can't you see I have breasts and golden curls?!"
"Don't shout at me, I can see..." the Wolf said, indignant. "You've gotten nervous..."
"Nervous?! Or maybe angry?! Don't you see what he's done to us?! He's changed us! I... I don't even have... Well..."
The Wolf opened his eyes wide and his mouth gaped stupidly.
"You don't... err...
"Well, I don't! I don't, damn it!" Little Red Riding Hood screamed, searching under her skirt. "I'm a woman! A woman! How am I going to show my face at home?! But... But... Dad always said you have to be a man!"
"We can't go back there..." the Wolf howled, sobbing. "Look at me! Like some wild animal! My parents will run away if they see me! I have nothing to live for!"
The Wolf wept bitterly, and for the first time Little Red Riding Hood felt unmoved by his tears. He stamped his foot and nudged him hard by his hairy shoulder.
"Don't whine, idiot! There's always a way out!" "Shut up or I'll punch you!" he growled, now surprised by his own sharpness.
The transformation the stranger had wrought upon them wasn't just about their appearance. He, Little Red Riding Hood, no longer recognized himself. He felt his blood pumping faster in his mind, his heart burning with fire.
"That bastard's robbed me of my manners! Look how I'm expressing myself! If my mother hears this, she'll have a heart attack! I wanted to be more confident, not rude! We're not going home, you're right!"
"What are we going to do?" Wolf sobbed, wiping his snotty nose with his stubbled hand. Little Red
Riding Hood put his hands on his hips and smiled nastily.
"What do you mean? We're going out into the world. "
"Out into the world? And what are we going to do in the world?"
"What the hell!? We'll... We'll..." Little Red Riding Hood wrinkled his cute little nose and blinked his long, blond eyelashes. "Well, I don't know yet, but we'll think of something!" Pick up my umbrella from the ground and let's go!
-Out into the world? Really? But...I'm the one naked among people? Look at my face...After all...
"You don't have a face, you have a snout," Little Red Riding Hood said sharply, stepping past the Wolf to turn onto the beaten path. "Besides, you're not naked, because you have fur... Holy shit, how do these women walk in those high heels without breaking their legs? Don't stand there like a donkey! Hand me that umbrella or I'll break my legs, and get your ass in gear. Let's go!"
And the Wolf followed Little Red Riding Hood, whose curses echoed throughout the forest.
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