Hello! This is how well-behaved kittens are said to greet each other, and I certainly am. For the unintelligent, I'll explain what a cat is: I am a cat. Me, a little furry creature who likes many things but hates the vacuum cleaner. Yes, yes! A vacuum cleaner is that red, disgusting thing with a pipe that goes "bwmmmmmmmmm." You're human, so you probably know what a vacuum cleaner looks like, and I won't explain it to you.
That day was Saturday, so the freaks (meaning you, humans) were pulling out the humming abominations. You might be wondering why I, a little furry creature, call you that. It's simple: you're just weird. You leave the house for no apparent reason, and on top of that, you almost never catch anything. And what's more, when someone tries to ask you why, you scream, "Stop meowing! Want to eat? Come on, I'll get you some. Come on, Snout." You always think I want to eat, but that's not true. We cats have different desires: we want to talk, we want to be petted, or I don't know what. But I was supposed to tell you about Saturday, not about your quirks.
Well, this is one of the few days when you stay home and have more time for me. You pet me behind the ears, under my neck, and on my belly, and I purr. First, you give me such pleasure, and then what?! You grab the vacuum cleaner and hum, and sometimes even, out of sheer spite, you bring the tube closer to me, so I run away, and you laugh! Do you know what I feel then? I'll tell you: great, great anger! I want to get back at you, so I scratch the furniture. And you rub against me, so I run away again—this time into the couch. There I sit, enveloped in darkness, peace, and bedding.
On that fateful Saturday, after the weekly routine of events, I fell asleep on the couch. This doesn't happen to me often because the awful buzzing distracts me and I can't sleep. But then I fell asleep and dreamed of wonderful things, you know: grass, trees, mice, and all that. In that dream, I was the lord of the neighborhood, and I felt good about it. When I woke up and heard that awful "bwmmmm," I got so angry that I dug my sharp claws into my pillow, and I think I made two holes in it. Right after I realized that, I heard, or rather stopped hearing, the buzzing. I was so happy that I fell asleep again...
The light woke me up, and my caregiver said, "Stefan, look! Ryju slept all Saturday," and I meowed back and got off the couch. I was very sleepy and dirty, so I sat down nearby and started washing myself. "Ryju! What are those holes?" my caregiver exclaimed, and I looked at her and didn't meow. "Oh, Snout... You're going to sleep on this now," I said with a wink and a meow. Why? I like that—it's always something new to sleep on.
Another week flew by like any other – people disappeared in the morning, then reappeared in the afternoon, feeding me and petting me as they passed. They played with me, laughed, and I jumped, purred, meowed, and above all, slept. And so the day passed, and in my head was one thought: Saturday and the vacuum cleaner – this couldn't go on like this. On Friday, I looked at the pillowcase my caregiver had given me and a brilliant idea came to me...
On Saturday, as every week, Stefan the freak took out the vacuum cleaner, and I... didn't run away! I went to my basket and climbed into the holey pillowcase. The holes I'd made appeared right in front of me. I felt like Zorro in a land of headless people. I proudly looked at the vacuum cleaner, at Stefek, and thought, "Now you can boo! I don't care." With my tail raised, I slowly walked across the room, and when Stefek brought the pipe closer to me, I didn't speed up at all. I was invisible then! I was a ghost! I was a terror! I was the best! As always.
And that's how I tamed the vacuum cleaner.
***
"Marta? Did you write that?" Stefan asked, with the cat on his lap.
"Mrał!" the cat replied.
"Snout, that's not for you. What did I write?
" "Well then," Stefan showed his wife a story about how the cat had hatched a plot.
"No, it wasn't me. But let me read it.
" "So, what do you think? How did that get into our printer?" he asked after a moment
. "Uh... I have no idea. A cat couldn't have written that!"
Then they both looked at Snout, and he replied in the true cat language of meows and purrs. His family, of course, understood nothing of his speech, but you, the readers, will understand everything: "I hypnotized Marta and murmured to her what to write. Why don't you ever believe in me! I really know a lot. If you would just listen to me sometimes..." he concluded regretfully. Then he looked at Stefek with his round eyes and nuzzled his soft sweater.
"And take this cat here, understand," Marta said, smiling at her husband and Snout.
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