Diary

Part III of the Diary

Monday 2004-09-20 17:49

Why the third part? I don't know, it's some kind of need... the same for myself. Maybe because so many changes have happened in my life. I finished school. I broke up with the girl I dated for almost two years. I started seeing Ewa. And many other things. Another stage of life...

And how am I feeling? As always, sad, bland, colorless, empty... I've been seeing Ewa for a month now. We see each other every other day because that's what my job allows... but it's so strange, I don't know which of us is more afraid of this relationship. Me or her... both have been through something, both have survived a quarter of a century... such a relationship of sick souls... I'm afraid it's not that, that the probability is too small, that I won't have the strength for another one, and this might be the last time I decide to have a woman. Maybe she feels the same way, and that's why we're "pinching ourselves." It's very strange... and I feel bad about it, and so does she. We haven't talked yet, I haven't even kissed her, though I feel like it so much sometimes that I can't resist... Ewa is actually a very pretty girl. I'm starting to notice it now. Once we were going to Magda's barbecue in Warsaw. She let her hair down... I braked three times, tires screeching, and I was centimeters away from crashing the car... I was driving like a complete orphan. But I couldn't take my eyes off her. Once I laid eyes on her, I just stayed there and drove blindly... until I started feeling nauseous.

She's sick... she has stomach problems. She's going to a gastroenterologist today, she can't eat, she's subsisting on meringues, breadsticks, and mineral water... she likes cake, pancakes, and other sweets. On October 2nd, we're going to a wedding at Pawlak's, and I don't know how she'll cope with the sight of tables laden with food. I'd hug her and kiss her... but I can't... maybe someday...

Friday 2004-09-24 12:14

I'm going to Małgosia's today... to come to terms with the past; to give her my books, collect my things, and leave her forever. But this life is strange. So harsh. She's the first person who loved me, whom I could love, and with whom I can't be happy. She has "almost" everything, and you can't "almost" love someone. I can't imagine how much I hurt her and how much she must be suffering. Pawlak told me this. He suffered for a year when Aśka left him. A whole year... that's eternity, a part of life... I saw Małgosia in Deja Vu. She was at a disco, having fun, yet she was lost in thought, constantly looking for someone, turning away from the group of friends she came with... I don't know if I'll ever explain it to myself... somehow explain it and forgive... if she'll ever forgive me.

I am ("I am") with Ewa now... Who is Ewa? I don't know, and she doesn't know. She has what Małgosia didn't have, and she doesn't have what Małgosia had... I'm with her, I guess, because she's the last girl like her in the world... the last one who respects herself... but is she capable of being in a relationship, is she capable of loving someone?

Hi Agniesia:

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text message, but I've been a bit busy, and I need some time and peace to respond to what you sent me (you know how slow I am in my thinking).

Trust God and the fact that it all makes sense and leads somewhere. Imagine that this image around you is created by Satan, who, through the facts of life, is trying to make you realize that what God created is evil. Only a small part of what we see and notice directly concerns us. It seems to me that your life lacks purpose. I was happy when you recently told me you wanted to have a child... It's difficult these days and sometimes impossible, but you can set it as your life's goal. Manage your life so you find time for everything important, reading a book, cycling, journaling, walking, everything you enjoy...

This morning I was at the doctor's. I was waiting in the waiting room for my turn... it's Monday, so I had a fresh copy of Newsweek, totally relaxed. An elderly lady asked me if I'd let her through because... something, I don't remember. You know what I told her? I told her: Please, I'm in no hurry... he he. I didn't answer her out of politeness; it was just the way it was, why rush? I've even started walking slower recently, I'm thinking more "detailedly," and I feel better somehow... I recommend the treatment. Why should we constantly run, have our phone on, and constantly be doing something? I sat down, and my life is better. I'm glad I'm working. I have plans. And today I even found time for a bike ride... do you know where I was? - where you used to walk barefoot.

It's midnight, I've done everything I was supposed to do, I'm one step closer to achieving my goal, every day should be like this...

You yourself once wrote to me, "when the wind of doubt rises, we stop flying..." – if a bird doesn't fly, its wings weaken and needs more motivation and exercise to soar again...

We'll be comforting each other like this, and before we know it... I won't finish...

So chin up, and you should send me a text saying you're feeling better...

Tuesday 2004-09-28 10:33

"Like white clouds drifting across the night sky over the forest, like a scarf fluttering in the wind around a traveler's neck..." – that's what I sang. Speaking of singing, Pawlak is getting married next Saturday. He and Kamila signed some papers yesterday, and according to the Church, they're already married... They finished the house, but neither of them have a job yet. I wonder how they'll live... It's like everything; you can't plan anything right now because there's no damn job. I don't know how it will be.

How am I? I saw Małgosia, we gave each other everything. She's changed. But you can't change one thing, and that's why I'll never be happy with her...

Am I with Ewa... am I? I don't know, we meet sometimes, we get to know each other... but it's so strange, but I like it; it's not forced, so quick, but calm, and I think it will be fine. I'll wait because I think it's worth it... I'm going with her to Pawlak's wedding, I wonder how it will all look...

Me to Ewa:

Do you know what one of the most serious sins in our lives is that by believing in God, we stop believing in the meaning of life, in what He created, in how He arranged it all, and in the fact that each of us lives for a purpose. You can't just go through life aimlessly, wasting the greatest gift from God...

You have to trust God and the fact that it all makes sense and leads somewhere. Imagine that this image is created around you by Satan, who, using facts from life, tries to make you realize that what God created is evil. Only a small part of what we see and notice directly concerns us.

It seems to me that our lives lack purpose. After all, we have free will, and all we need to do is manage our lives to find time for everything important: reading a book, riding a bike, taking a walk, everything you enjoy...

And what do we do? We don't worry about things that are important but not the most important.

You'll probably say it's easy for me to say because I don't have the same problems as you... maybe I do, but it's easier for me to notice certain things. Okay, I'm ending this sad post...

I just keep feeling like we met at the wrong time... or maybe in life...

Sunday, 2004-10-03 15:42

And after Pawlak's wedding... on a scale of 1 to 10, it was a 5... the music sucked, they didn't even sing me a song about bitter vodka with my older wife. But it's over, I have a slight hangover. 

As for Ewa, because I was at the wedding with her... hmm, she looked beautiful, she's a really pretty girl, and I don't think I can date her because I'll fall in love with her. She has everything you need for happiness. She's a pure woman with principles that probably no one dreams of. But the problem is different. A relationship with such a woman requires affection, and it's not so easy to give someone love, such pure, beautiful affection. Besides, she's thinking about moving to Warsaw, where she'll be looking for a job. It's going to be hard, oh so hard.

But before I go to sleep, it's nice to think about her, to touch her, to hug her, to kiss her. So that she would look at me with those beautiful brown eyes of hers, then she would close them, and I would kiss her on her closed eyes. To hold her close, she's so tiny, delicate... oh...

I always feel down after a wedding, a mental down. I don't know why. I'm going to the after-party soon.

Monday 2004-10-04 23:29

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm going crazy, I don't know why.

Saturday 2004-10-09 23:46

I feel like throwing up... there's a program on TV, some kind of reality show. The participants are supposed to drink ground-up pig snout, ears, heart, liver, and other entrails. I can't even watch it. I wonder when they'll start eating their own shit, and when they'll start eating other people's shit...

The world is going to the dogs!

I went to the cinema with Ewa. To see "Hostage" with Crus. Ewa, on the other hand, looked great. She's beautiful, really. I was looking at her lips today. I could kiss them like that. Hug her like that...

Sunday 2004-10-10 22:37

... on average, I'm down every other day... I wonder if this is normal, if anyone else feels this way... sometimes I'm afraid I'll go crazy. Or maybe I already have? And come on, stand up, life is so fucked up...

I feel guilty for writing you something like this on Monday. Today is Sunday, well before midnight, and I'm sitting in front of this computer, typing away instead of having fun at a disco somewhere. I promised myself I'd change, put on a tracksuit, get a different car, and stop worrying and take what life gives me. Everything comes as it comes. And even that doesn't work out. Come on, make a decision, be smart, and do what you have to. Go, leave, or stay and be...? Flip a coin?! Look at the sky?! You'll probably tell me next—"Listen to your heart..." It doesn't know what to do anymore. It's going crazy, just like me.

Why isn't there someone who understands me, who could pack up and go somewhere, leave it all, flush the phone down the toilet. And never come back. I wonder what keeps me here. (I thought for 15 minutes – and nothing.) I gave myself time to find Someone. Here. Because where else can I? I'll leave and return to Someone in five years. I'll be old and, as my Father said, I'll be alone.

I gave myself time for Ewa... It's been going on for about two months, wasted months. An hour ago, I was walking her home. I picked a flower from the hedge, wanted to give it to her, but she said she didn't want it... I don't know any girl who would behave this way. I've never had so many problems with anyone. She doesn't even know how much she's lost in my eyes and what she has to do now to make up for it. This beautiful white flower – it's important because I chose it, it grew for a while, appeared, existed just for her, so I could pick it and give it to her... a second later, I threw it on the dirty sidewalk... I think I'm exaggerating. On my way back, I picked it up and now it's sitting in a jar in front of me... it will wither by morning.

I'm going to bed; apparently, mornings are happier and everything looks different. I just miss someone who will finally take this flower from me and thank me for it.

... Ewa won't get any more flowers from me. Let them go to people who deserve them...

I'm sorry to "abuse" you like this, but I really don't know who to send this to...

Tuesday 2004-11-02 17:56

I'm sitting alone again... I'm not calling Ewa because I don't want to. It's strange, no other girl is like her. I have no idea why this is happening. However, I've decided not to worry about it and ignore it as much as possible – which I do anyway. It's impossible to simply forget about it, to ignore it, because Ewa is an exceptional girl. The only one I know who respects herself, is a virgin, believes in God. Except she's incapable of any feelings. She's tense, shy, doesn't smile at me, doesn't look me in the eye. And I don't want to pursue someone who doesn't pursue me. I'd like to forget all of this. I wouldn't want to have any pressure on me. My parents, my brother, my sister. Everyone I know. And all of it. Such nothingness. Such nonexistence, meaninglessness, depression. They say depression kills, slowly, and destroys you from the inside. It's difficult to cure and requires self-discipline, so not everyone is capable of it. I have depression. Lack of purpose, faith, makes me want to work less and less, I don't have the willpower to earn money anymore. I don't want to get up for work.

It's a constant struggle for money...

That's it.

Sunday, 2004-11-07 13:43

I bit my nails. All of them. I haven't bitten them in about six months. My mom used to make me a honey and lemon potion in the mornings, which calmed me down enough that I stopped biting them. I relaxed. But she changed the honey, and it started again. I look weak again. I'm nervous and I'm feeling down more and more often. I have to start drinking it again because it's not going anywhere.

Kuba Dudek and some friends are going to England in December. I think I'll finish there too. I'll go see them when things settle down and live there. Away from everything here. All that Radom filth...

I saw Ewa yesterday. She's somehow relaxed. She's changed, I think she's recovered. I don't know anything anymore.

Thursday, 2004-11-11 13:47

"The gods envy our mortality, the fact that any moment could be our last..." is a quote from the movie "Troy." That's what I remember most from the movie; later I couldn't concentrate, and the movie... – weak, commercial, it's hard to believe in a squadron of a thousand ships at sea, eighty thousand men fighting over a woman. Such a "passed movie."

Such commas in my life happen quite often, as if someone were trying to tell me something. And I get nothing. I keep flying at breakneck speed, and the road becomes increasingly steep and bumpy. It's hard to stop from this rush.

I once dreamed of an Angel. I remember that feeling to this day. I've written about it before, but it often comes back to me. He was a good Angel. First, he reminded me of my life, everything I wasn't proud of. He did it in a split second, as if someone had summed up my life for me in a split second. I saw literally everything. And I remember his expression, his "expression," because I don't remember what he looked like. At the end, he smiled, and I was overcome with a peace I'd never felt before. It was incredible. It was probably a foretaste of paradise... I didn't tell anyone about it, because how else could I begin to talk about it? I saw Him twice. The second time was when I was returning from Warsaw, at 3 a.m., the street was empty, nothing was happening. I was driving very fast but monotonously. I fell asleep. I was woken by a figure I'd run over, and that's the only reason I managed to slow down for the guardrail on the bend. I'll never forget that feeling of fear. At that speed, I would have been finished.

I wonder what the third time would be like? Maybe the third time I'll drive too fast... we'll know that life is short moments before...

And life is moment by moment, a compilation of episodes, coincidences, twists. This unpredictability gives life meaning, meaning we don't notice every day. Meaning is what the gods envy us...

And what is my (our) problem? That instead of caring for every inch of life, we waste it piece by piece...

I've noticed, by the way, that every post I make is sad. Kind of depressing. And yet my life is slowly getting back on track. I'm starting to have fun, everything (almost everything) is starting to fall into place... I think I have some kind of flaw, and I'm bringing myself down. And yet it's so easy: change into a tracksuit and buy a BMW.

I'm going to drink vodka right now...