A different kind of everyday life.
It all started out as usual, like in most teenage stories produced by foreign television. A new school, new friends, a new school year, and therefore a new boyfriend. It was high time to forget about the summer frenzy and find the perfect candidate for a lasting relationship. Someone with whom I could explore my interests, feel at ease, and whom I could trust. I quickly caught my eye on Bartek, a boy from my class. His parents owned a photography company quite well-known in our town. I hoped that by meeting him, I would fulfill my biggest dreams – to become a famous photo model and, at the same time, meet a charming, handsome man. I wasted no time getting to know him. He soon realized I was interested. That was when he first proposed a meeting. A date! I was overjoyed! Preparing for our meeting took me half a day. It's understandable that I wanted to look better than the models he saw every day at my father's work. I guess it worked, because after a while, he arranged a photo shoot for me. It was another excuse to spend more time with him. I loved our "chance" meetings. He admired me! He said I was a true artist.
We got along better and better. We were the perfect couple. I saw jealousy in my friends' eyes, and Bartek strutted down the halls, bragging to his buddies. I don't know what they talked about, but all I cared about were the moments spent in his company.
The problems started after a month, when he suddenly started disappearing, never showing any signs of life. I had no idea where to find him. He wouldn't answer his phone. He wasn't home either. When he was with me, he often disappeared. He'd changed...
"Where were you last night?" I asked him more than once. "I called, and you weren't there. I was worried!
" "I was with my friends," he would reply in a muffled voice. Yet I still felt like my words weren't reaching him. I even worried he was getting bored in my company. He often looked like he was about to fall asleep.
"I know. I guessed because you kept telling me so. I just wonder where you two go so often?
" "We wander here and there. We go to some pub, sit and chat...
" "All night long?!," I demanded, irritated.
"What?! You don't talk to your friends on the phone for hours?" he replied sarcastically. Bartek thought I was talking on the phone way too long. He was especially nervous when we were together and my cell phone suddenly rang. But I couldn't do anything about that.
"Yes, but it's not the same..." I defended myself.
"It's exactly the same! At least I save on bills by meeting them 'in person'! Actually, what are we talking about, honey?" He suddenly changed his tone to a gentler one and wrapped his arms around my waist. "What matters is that we're together, right?"
"Yes, but somehow he doesn't feel it... You're neglecting me..."
When I accused him of not having time, he always kissed me, just in case. Probably so I wouldn't ask him anything anymore. But I was getting more and more worried. I decided to force him to pay more attention to me than to his friends. I threatened to break up, he got scared, and it was back to normal. However, my happiness was short-lived. There were trips to the cinema, for pizza, to the pub, but Bartuś wasn't the same anymore. He definitely drank more. When he offered me alcohol, I refused. I wanted to do something about the situation, but I didn't know what was happening to him. Until...
I visited him one time...
"I brought some movies, shall we watch them?" I suggested as I entered the apartment. I rented a comedy, hoping I could cheer him up. I thought that if he laughed a little, he'd change his behavior.
"Sure," he replied without much enthusiasm. "Put on the VCR, and I'll get something to drink. Coffee? Tea? Coke, or something stronger?
" "Coke.
" "I'll be right back," he said, disappearing into the kitchen.
The cassette wouldn't rewind. I had no idea what to do, so I called out to Bartek. He didn't react in any way. I thought he might not have heard me, so I got up and looked into the kitchen. I saw Bartek standing by the sink. He was holding something in his hand. Something that he then swallowed and washed down with a glass of water.
"What's that? Are you taking any medication?" I asked anxiously. He hadn't mentioned that he had a cold or a headache, so the worst immediately came to mind... That he had something incurable and was afraid to tell me.
"Anka! What are you doing here?! You were supposed to wait in the room..." he looked at me reproachfully.
"But the VCR is jammed... I called you, but you didn't come. Don't change the subject! What's going on? Tell me!
" "No, it's nothing. It doesn't matter," he said, turning away from me. Then I noticed a small bag with a white powder inside on the countertop. For a moment, I couldn't breathe. I felt anxiety, a stabbing pain in my heart, worried about Bartek and what he was doing. I couldn't believe what I'd just seen. I had the worst suspicions...
"It's important to me because I care about you! Tell me, what was it?" I asked, pointing to the bag. Only then did he notice he'd forgotten to put away the mysterious powder. He picked it up and quickly stuffed it into his pocket.
"You're making so much noise about nothing. Just headache pills. I'm tired..." he said, looking away again.
"I don't believe it! Tell me the truth! I've noticed a long time ago that you're acting different. Is something wrong?! Don't lie to me! I just want to help you, Bartek..." I grabbed his hand and made him look at me. Tears were already welling up in my eyes. Bartek walked into the room and motioned for me to follow him. I saw the uncertainty and sadness in his eyes. He opened his mouth several times to say something, but he didn't know how to begin his explanation.
"Amfa..." he whispered in my ear after a moment of silence.
"Bartek... You..." I said calmly, sitting down on the sofa. I didn't want to believe it was true. It felt like a ball was stuck in my throat, because I couldn't speak or swallow. I took a deep breath. "Why?
" "What 'why'?!" he shouted loudly. I jumped in terror, because I hadn't expected such a reaction from him. He was acting so violently. I didn't even notice when he sat down next to me, put his hands on my shoulders, and pushed me against the backrest. "You want to know why I'm taking it, right?! Why am I taking this stuff? Good question! Because I feel like it. That's enough of an answer for you?! I like it, understand?! And don't try to change it! Don't interfere and don't tell anyone, or you'll regret it!
" "Bartek..." I said his name softly. He didn't let me get a word in, and I was growing increasingly afraid of him.
"No more questions!" he said firmly, grabbing my wrists and pressing me even harder against the sofa. "Don't act so surprised. You're no saint either. We live in times like these... that you have to adapt... Everyone has to go crazy sometimes...
" "Let me go!
" "I need a change!" he continued, ignoring me. "It gives my life color! Do you understand!? I'm free from my boring everyday life! I'm rediscovering myself and the world! I can't be...
" "Let me go! Please! It hurts!" I interrupted him in a pleading tone. Bartek released his grip, stood up, and began pacing the room. I didn't know how I should react in such a situation. Should I be as aggressive as him, or burst into tears?! I tried to reason with him. "Haven't you considered how your family and friends would react to this? Drugs?! Your father owns a well-known company. Do you know how this will ruin his image?
" "That's why no one will find out! Because you won't tell anyone!" he said confidently.
"They put you up to this?! Your friends?!!" I said, standing up. I knew he would never have come up with such an idea on his own. And my problems with Bartek began precisely when he got involved with a new group of people.
"And you should know that I do! They understand me and they care about me!
" "They only care about the money for the stuff!" I tried to do something, but with every word I said, it got worse. He wouldn't let me get close, touch him, or hug him.
"What do you know?!" he said, pushing me away. "You don't know them. They're..."
"Bartek..." I interrupted him. "Think about your health, your life. They're slowly killing themselves and want to drag you down with them. What's next?! What will you do when you run out of money? Will you start stealing? Is that what you want to do?! Hit rock bottom?!
My last statement clearly had the desired effect, because Bartek calmed down, sat down, and stared at the ground.
"So what should I do?" he asked calmly. I could tell he really wanted to change.
"Back off while you still can. It's best to cut off contact with these guys. I think that's the only way out.
" "Are you kidding?! I can't do this! It's not that easy..." he began, but stopped when he saw the tears in my eyes. I felt helpless, the worst feeling... When you want to help someone you love, but you don't know how. I think Bartek understood my pain. "Okay, I'm sorry! I'll do what I can."
He hugged me and kissed me, and I felt like he was back to being the sweet, charming guy I'd fallen in love with. But I knew that was just the beginning of the problems.
For the next week, everything was fine. Bartek wasn't doing drugs... At least that's what he claimed. I helped him through the tough times. I let him drink because he said it helped him. Unfortunately, I had the opportunity to see how naive I was. On Friday, I was at a photo shoot, and, as usual, Bartek accompanied me. As we were about to leave and I was going to change, he said to me,
"I'll be right back. I have something to do. Wait here for me.
" "Okay."
However, after twenty minutes, I gave up waiting for him and decided to go home myself. Then I planned to call him and make a fuss about him leaving me... But on the way, I saw Bartek with some guy. I quickly hid behind the corner of the building so they wouldn't notice me. They were both gesticulating wildly and looking around. He handed my boyfriend a small bag, then pulled a joint from his pocket and offered it to Bartek. I had no doubt this stranger was a dealer. It was the worst sight in the world. I was convinced my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was furious with myself and with him. I ran straight home and cried all night. I couldn't understand how Bartek could have changed so much in just a few weeks... We were so happy! He was the only person I trusted implicitly. Yet he had deceived me. I wondered how I hadn't noticed before? Suddenly, fear filled me, a feeling that I was losing him. He was a different person now. I quickly concluded that if he had changed, then I must too.
The next evening, I followed them. I followed Bartek and his friends to the pub where they used to hang out. Needless to say... For once, I fit in. All the girls looked, to put it mildly, like they'd just stepped out from under a streetlight. I decided not to stand out. The best way to describe it was that I was wearing clothes from when I was five. So now they were short and tight, a little too small for me, but that was the point. Bartek was more nervous than surprised when he saw me. Even though his friends tried to convince him I should stay, he grabbed my arm and pulled me aside.
"What are you doing here?" he asked, starting to lead me toward the exit. "This isn't the place for you. How did you find me? You weren't following me, were you?! By the way, what do you look like?" he said, calmer as he left the pub.
"Shocking, huh?" "I asked ironically, pulling away from his embrace. "I was shocked by what I saw yesterday too, but let's not talk about it.
" "What are you talking about? This is a club for easy girls and drug addicts. You don't belong here!
" "You don't belong here either! But if you're coming here, then so am I. Besides, how do you know who I really am? I've had the opportunity to learn that you never know the whole truth about a person!
" "You'd better go home! I'll call a taxi," he said, picking up his cell phone. "I'll come over tomorrow.
" "I won't settle for that kind of excuse again. If you don't have time to be where I am, then I'll stay with you," I said. "Don't try to convince me, because I'll stay here anyway, if not with you, then with someone else. "
Bartek looked at me with utter surprise. I didn't know if he was more surprised by my determination or by the fact that I'd even dared to come to such a place.
"Okay, stay!" Maybe after one night here, you'll get over these stupid ideas. Come join me!" he said ironically.
"I think your friends won't mind," I said ambiguously.
He led me to a table. Within moments, I was drunk. Each of my new friends bought me a drink. Surprisingly quickly, I was persuaded to drink. Bartek just stared at me, not entirely pleased. He couldn't speak or protest, because it would have been perceived negatively in the company. Then I started dancing with everyone nearby. Strangely enough, Bartek stayed sober until the end. Probably to keep an eye on me, so he had to worry about me. That was exactly what I wanted, for him to feel what I usually felt. When we returned to the table after the dance, Maciek sat down next to me. My friend put his arm around me, which angered Bartek. Then he said,
"Who wants a joint?"
"It's starting," I thought then. I didn't know if I wanted to teach Bartek a lesson or if I really wanted to smoke, but I took a joint, just like everyone else. I felt a twinge of fear and excitement as Maciek helped me light it. But the fear quickly faded, and curiosity remained. I inhaled a few times, until finally, at some point, I felt all my problems melt away. I felt like laughing and being nice to everyone. An hour later, Maciek, placing his hand on my lap, said,
"I also have something special for our new kitten! Ecstasy... Wanna try it?
" "Sure," I said without hesitation. I kept glancing at Bartek out of the corner of my eye, watching his reactions. Until then, he'd just clenched his fist tightly, but hadn't intervened. This time, he couldn't take it anymore and got up from his chair.
"Enough!" Bartek interjected. "Let's go!"
"Dude, chill out! Don't be selfish! Don't you want your girlfriend to have a good time?" "Maciek said as I swallowed the pills he'd given me. Bartek wouldn't be able to stop me. My curiosity was stronger. I looked at Bartek triumphantly. He was scared... He was so scared for me. It gave me satisfaction. I felt like I'd achieved my goal. Suddenly, I felt like I was on a rollercoaster. My vision blurred. All I could hear was Maciek's voice: "It'll be more fun!" and then the boys' laughter. I was gone... I'd never felt like this before. I know I started dancing with everyone again. I remember that towards the end, Bartek argued with Maciek that he was dancing with me too much. Maciek replied,
"Relax, man! It's your girl. We're just warming her up."
It's true. I was so "wowed" that I couldn't control my behavior. Bartek drove me home in a friend's car. He was angry. He didn't speak to me the entire ride and wouldn't even kiss me goodbye.
In the morning, I had a terrible headache. I took some painkillers and tried to remember what I'd done last night. I remembered I was supposed to meet Bartek that evening. Even though everything hurt and I didn't feel like getting out of bed, I went to the park at the appointed time. I wanted to check if my stunt hadn't been in vain and if he realized how foolish he was.
"Yo, model miss!" he greeted me. It was obvious he was. He wrapped one arm around my waist, the other going under my shirt.
"Are you crazy?! People are watching!" I pushed him away.
"What's wrong? Don't you remember?! You were nicer yesterday, and now you're in a bad mood? Relax, girl!
" "Come on! We need to talk.
" "Yes, absolutely!" he said seriously, only to burst out laughing a moment later. I tried to focus on what he was trying to say, so I wouldn't be distracted by his behavior.
"That's pointless!" It can't be like this—
"You'll never see my friends again!" he interrupted.
"What?"
"There was a police raid yesterday after we left. They caught a few. We were lucky! The rest moved somewhere else," he said as if nothing had happened. He eyed me. He kept moving closer, and I moved away.
"We can move too," I pointed out.
"Yes, but alone. You and me! Without them. The police are after them, and I don't want you dragged into this. Besides, I don't want to watch this… watching them hit on you," he said, sounding worked up. "Want to drink? Fine. Want to use? It's your choice. But I won't let other people grope you. You're my girlfriend!
" "I see you've finally remembered? So it worked out for me, right?! Are you going to spend more time with me than with your friends?
" "Yes, because I don't want you to end up like me," Bartek said, his voice changing. It was as if he'd suddenly sobered up…
"You have no control over this!" You didn't give in to my pleas and persuasions either. Besides, I won't change my behavior until you break away from this company and kick the habit!" I snapped.
"What habit?! Worry about yourself, because right now, you're the one falling into it! You'll find out what a mess it is. I can't stop using without a specialist's help, but you do. Give it up while you still can! You don't have to prove anything to me anymore. Think about it! You yourself told me about health and money. But you'll do whatever you want. I have to go. I'll pick you up tomorrow at 8 p.m. Bye!"
I refused to be convinced, but the fear remained, forcing me to limit my drug use. I liked this new life. Every day, parties, drinks, and Bartek! He was by my side the whole time. We raged until dawn. I'd come home completely drunk, often after "weed." I didn't take anything except joints, but Bartek did. Day by day, I watched him become a completely different person. He was very impulsive and aggressive. I didn't know how to help him. Sometimes I felt like I was helping him down the slope because I accepted his decisions. On the one hand, I felt sorry for him, but on the other, I wanted to be like him.
On our anniversary, we went completely overboard with the drugs. His parents were away for the whole weekend, so we could meet at his place and bring champagne, martinis, vodka, and beer. It was definitely too much for the two of us, but we drank.
"I love you, Ania!" he said before midnight, as I was about to head home. "Don't leave yet, please!
" "They'll be worried... My parents..." I said, tripping over a chair. I remember the stumble amusing me, but it didn't cause me any pain, although the next day I had a huge bruise there.
"Just a moment. They won't notice anything." He hugged me and looked me straight in the eyes. "I love you! Why haven't I met you before?"
"I love you!" I repeated in my mind. He'd said it for the first time. I felt dizziness and a pleasant shiver run down my spine. I didn't know what to say.
"I guess that's why we didn't meet before, so you could love me now..." I said, and Bartek cut me off with a kiss. "I love you too!" I finished after a moment.
"Don't leave me!" he pleaded. "I need you so much." He hugged me, looking as if he didn't want to let me go. Another moment and he would have burst into tears. I guessed it was the drugs. He was taking something secretly. But I didn't know what was happening. On top of that, I could hear the buzzing in my ears...
"I won't leave you! I don't have to go yet," I said, throwing my arms around his neck.
"Yes, sit down. Would you like something to drink?"
"No, I can't," I said, placing my hand on my forehead. My head was pounding, yet I remained conscious. I knew another drink would have a very bad effect on me.
"My head hurts too." But I have an anesthetic. Ecstasy. Would you like a sip? He smiled knowingly.
"I don't know. Have you already forgotten what you said?!" I said with a slight reproach.
"I haven't, but it's our celebration. Just this once. We should have some fun." He sat down next to me and pulled out a bag of two pills. He looked into my eyes as if trying to read something in them. Or rather, convey something he didn't want to say with words. His eyes said, "I want you." Then I felt a tingling in my stomach and a wave of heat spreading through my entire body. It was a sign... That's how his gaze affected me. I'd never felt this way around him before. The desire grew stronger with each passing second. I knew the drugs would only intensify the feeling. I didn't keep him waiting long. I took one pill and swallowed it.
"Just a few minutes now," he said. "It'll be alright."
Bartek kissed my neck, and then I felt a pleasant shiver run down my spine. For a moment, it felt stifling and I couldn't breathe, and then everything started spinning. Different than the first time. It was better because everything seemed so beautiful and I felt happy. I felt Bartek's touch all over my body, his scent. I knew nothing bad would happen to me as long as he was there. I was safe. Suddenly, the furniture disappeared and darkness fell. We found ourselves in a vast void. Just him and me. Just like in the movies.
It felt like a dream, but I hoped I'd never wake up. I remember him caressing my body and pulling off my blouse, while I unbuttoned his shirt. I ran my finger up and down his torso. Only now did I get a chance to see how perfectly built he was. The taut muscles, the smooth skin... Our eyes met again and again. There was something about it I hadn't noticed before. Bartek's kisses and caresses brought me even more pleasure than usual. For a moment, I felt like I was flying upwards. I felt cold. Suddenly, I started falling and crashed with a thud... I don't remember anything after that.
When I woke up next to him in the morning, I couldn't comprehend what had actually happened. I only realized it when he kissed me and hugged me. I slowly recalled fragments of the previous day. I didn't have the strength to get up because my head hurt so much. Besides, I was almost overcome with despair at the thought of making love that night. It wasn't what we did that was wrong, it was how we did it. I felt responsible for those events. I should have stopped Bartek, not agreed with him and reinforced his belief that he was doing the right thing by taking drugs.
"I love you!" he said in greeting. He was probably trying to cheer me up. He saw I wasn't beaming with enthusiasm. But the past couldn't be undone. I didn't want him to feel guilty.
"I love you too! I'm sorry I couldn't understand you.
" "No! I'm sorry! For everything... For starting to use, for how I behaved, and for dragging you into it. But it will change, I promise!" Bartek said. He clearly felt the same way.
"I hope so, honey, but we can't change what happened. We both don't have a clear conscience..." I said, trying to get up.
"Maybe, but it started with me. I'll start getting treatment!
" "I've heard that before, Bartek," I said resignedly. "I'm not going to keep an eye on you." You have to want to change that. I'd be happy if you started seeing a doctor. It's just a shame you came to that conclusion so late.
"I was stupid! Forgive me!" he said, lowering his gaze. He was silent for a moment. "If I'd known I could lose so much, then… Believe me, I didn't mean any harm. It's my foolish ambition and my desire to fit in. The most important person in my life is suffering because of it… What will happen to you?
" "Don't worry about me," I sighed. "We just need to agree on something. No alcohol, no drugs. And most importantly, we support each other! So that neither of us ever makes that mistake again.
" "Yeah, you're right. What about…?!
"What?
" "Well… about… tonight? It was stupid. We practically don't remember any of it…" he said.
"Yes, but how exactly do you know I don't remember anything, huh? Maybe I remember everything," I started to tease him. I didn't want this situation to turn into the world's greatest tragedy.
"Impossible! It was all too much...
" "It would have been different sober..." I grieved.
"We'll make up for what we missed," he said, wrapping his arm around me. "Then we'll plan everything in detail and there won't be any disappointment!
" "And how are you going to tell your family?
" "I don't know yet, but I'll definitely do it... I'll do it for you. It doesn't matter what they say."
He planted a passionate kiss on my lips.
I don't know how long Bartek will stay drug-free, but I hope it lasts as long as possible. He's cut off contact with those friends, and that's half the battle. We want things to be normal. But what does that mean? Someone who behaves normally follows certain rules accepted by society. Stereotypes? Good upbringing? Or maybe something else? For me, "normal" means by Bartuś's side!!! No matter what...
THE END
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