Conversation

"Hello, hello?

" "Hi.

" "Oh, it's you again...

" "Listen, I have something for you. How can I put this... Get some people from me, huh?

" "No, how long can we go on about this? I thought we'd already reached some conclusions...

" "Yes, we talked about it, but...

" "Look, I understand you never keep your word and always want something from me, but this time you've gone too far. How many times do I have to refer to our agreement?

" "Agreement is an agreement, but there really have been a ton of them here lately. They've had another damn war, and a batch of two hundred thousand people have died.

" "Stop whining, you wanted it yourself. I take people like that, you take people like that.

" "Yes, yes. But there's nowhere left to go around here. Every month so many murderers, rapists, thieves, and other riffraff come here that it's sickening.

" "So what if you have too many already? You know I don't care." We both have to serve them all, whether we want to or not.

"They could at least stop reproducing...

" "What can I do if they keep reproducing? Your job is to send illnesses and misfortunes to the monks, mine is to heal them.

" "Yes, you're smart, but if you had deficiencies, who did you send, smartass? No descendants were in the deal either!

" "Don't keep bringing up that Christ thing! I got caught! It can happen to anyone. And besides, ever since then, I've been taking people who aren't entirely pure."

"Sure! You always find some lame excuse. Oh, wait, maybe we could send some to purgatory?

" "Purgatory! Purgatory is only a temporary solution. Besides, they're going to me from there anyway, so what are we even talking about?

" "Stop pissing me off!! I can't take everyone! You should be happy I'm taking the worst quality stuff. If it weren't for me, I wonder what you'd do with the part I'm getting!" They used to be bearable, but now you can drive yourself crazy. They steal everything, nothing is sacred. If they could, they'd even steal my tail. At least take some of the souls from that war in Europe. I know they sometimes set things on fire or raped someone, but they fought honorably...

- I can't!! They don't meet the conditions!! How much damn money do you have? If this keeps up, I'll end up with you too.

- And how long do I have to explain that I'm overbooked!!!

- Overbooked? I told you from the very beginning that being in charge isn't that easy. You screwed up, you failed. Be glad you're at least the boss down there. But, by the way, you must be doing a lousy job if you're calling me, huh?

- Get off my back, I can't...

- Ha, ha, ha! I got you! If I'm supposed to piss off, I'm done, bye.

- WAIT!!!! Wait...

- What? Anything else?

"You know, I have an idea... Listen. We'll do it like we did with Hitler and Stalin. Some idiot will come along and wipe out half the world if he gets to power, right?

" "You want a pogrom again? And what good is it to have even more people willing to join us? Wait a minute, I think I get it. If it's supposed to be a pogrom, you mean innocent people are supposed to die, right?

" "Well... That would work.

" "So this whole dead rabble will just flock to me?! Oh, things aren't so good.

" "You have tons of free seats! You'll take a measly million and...

" "A million? What am I going to do with a million souls? Let's say a hundred thousand.

" "How much?! A hundred thousand?

" "Yes, a hundred, not a single one more. You'd be better off inventing some disease to stop them from multiplying like that, not some pogrom.

" "Listen, that's the solution!

" "Will you think about it?

" "I'll think about it, but what good is that to me if you'll be giving them a cure in a year anyway."

"No, let's assume they don't come up with a cure for this beast in fifty years.

" "And how do you know they won't? What if they spite you and come up with one, huh?

" "What do you mean, how do I know? You must be forgetting who you're talking to!

" "Okay, okay, I was joking. Don't get so worked up. And by the way, what's fifty years? Let's take it easy. Let's say I throw a genetic error at them, a small mutation caused, let's say, by a poisoned atmosphere that causes infertility in every second individual. What do you think?

" "Not bad, not bad. But knowing their ingenuity, the half that survives will multiply uncontrollably.

" "If we add a famine to them, they'll wise up.

" "Hmm, that's a good idea...

" "We deserve a vacation too. Once we catch our breath, we'll leave them alone. Remember how fun it was when you left only Noah on Earth with your Ark?"

"Yes, but back then I had a reason...

" "Now you don't?! Everywhere you look there's war, famine, perversion, and on top of that, there are regions where, after leaving home, there's zero chance of returning in one piece. I'm telling you, if we give them a little thrashing, they'll immediately fall to their knees. And don't forget, they'll be praying to you for mercy, so your stock will rise as a result, not mine.

" "I'll think about it.

" "No, I can't stand it. Listen, I'm offering you the best solution, and you're still whining? We have to act fast.

" "Okay, when can you start spreading this mutation?"

"You know, if I pull an all-nighter today, it'll be ready by tomorrow.

" "Then we're agreed.

" "It's waiting. I need some extra spots!

" "Are you starting again? You'll get three million spots in purgatory, okay?

" "I'll fill three million in a month."

"So how much do you want?

" "Three billion, and that'll be enough for me for a while."

"Where am I going to get three billion seats?!

"I don't need them now. Let's assume you give me a million by the end of the month, and you'll be giving me a million more or less every month.

" "I'll check my computer...

" "On what?

" "On a computer. A machine invented by humans. Sometimes it's useful.

" "Invented by humans, you say... And it's not for killing?

" "No, come on. I have things like that... It's for counting. If you want, send someone to Gabriel tomorrow, and he'll give you one such computer... Okay, you'll get three hundred and fifty thousand seats every month.

" "But...

" "Silence! I also have to service my own people. There may not be as many as before, but my situation is tight.

" "Exactly. But whatever, maybe it'll be enough. And I'll send someone for that computer. I just need to find someone who knows how to do it.

" "Even if you find someone, they won't teach you anything. It's better to send you someone honest.

" "And that's where you're wrong, my dear." My sinners will surely know more than your entire sanctimonious heaven. If, as you say, this thing is for counting, that means it can be used to multiply money, and con artists certainly know better than angels.

"Maybe you're right. Okay, I have to go, a batch of penitents from purgatory has arrived.

" "Scare them thoroughly." "Bye.

" "Gabriel!

" "I'm listening.

" "Tomorrow someone from downstairs will come for a computer, give them one. Oh, and we'll have to find some seats for them.

" "It'll be tough.

" "Try." I leaned back in my chair. It's not so bad. Maybe, like in the old days of Noah, we'll manage to carve out some vacation time again...

But first, we have to rub people's noses in the sand. Sometimes, when I look down on them, I wonder what the hell possessed me to create Adam..."