Pain, Pain of Loneliness

...I feel, I'm cold, if I feel it, it means I'm still alive, but is it worth it? Is it really, why?

The rain falling from above, like words blaming me, is warm, making the world seem better, but is it really? Raindrops are streaming down my face. It's good that it's raining; at least the young woman passing by won't see my tears. But why am I crying? Loneliness isn't worth the tears, and so many have already been shed that more than one Ocean of Loneliness has already been filled with them. Am I crying, is it from Happiness? Or maybe the Pain is pressing on me, and I want to release it with tears... I'm approaching my destination, the bridge is just a few meters away, what's pulling me toward it? Why am I going to this place? Will it really help me? Maybe it will, but how will my friends feel about it? I don't know, I don't want to think about it now. Just a few steps separate me from the stairs that, in my opinion, lead to Happiness, to the Land Without Pain—Loneliness... The rain is falling harder and harder, I feel it all over my body. I'm already standing on the bridge, the world looks different from here, and so are my plans for the bridge... I know, I can give up, I don't have to jump, but by giving it up, I'm giving up Happiness, Love... although I've been told that only cowards, people who throw up their hands helplessly, decide to commit suicide. I don't want to be like that! But why is it that in this world you can't look for Love, you have to wait for it? Yes, I know, it may seem ridiculous that I still have my whole life ahead of me, but I don't know around which bend, behind which house, behind which street I'll meet FATE, DESTINY. I don't know, I don't want to know... I still have a lot of time. My parents don't know I'm here now, they think I'm sitting at home with friends, watching a movie, having fun together, that we're happy, that smiles on the faces of our guests, which are increasingly rare in this world, but no, I'm not there, with them, not because I have to do something, I'm still not sure if I really should? I know I have friends, I've even come to the conclusion that while you're young, you should be around them, have fun, because love will come in time, for each of us... but why do those who have these "close ones" around them say they love them, but in reality, they're with them, perhaps unconsciously, because they think they "love" each other, meaning they'll be together for the rest of their lives? No, that's not a very realistic statement... never mind, it's their life, I have mine, oh well, I haven't encountered Love yet, but I can already see Death in the distance, walking straight towards me. I know it'll come here, and maybe I'll talk to It? Maybe something can be arranged? No, I don't believe in that either, just like I don't believe in Love? but I have proof, I know that She exists, maybe there is something wrong with me, maybe I didn't try hard enough, no, that's a stupid reason, because you can't try for Her, She has to jump out of the darkness, jump into our dark world and illuminate our view of the world with Her light, then we will see beauty,And now? Now it's too dark to see anything, at least I don't see anything, Happiness, Love... all I see, feel is Pain. It always comes when I sit with friends, when I see them nestled in the happiness of love... then it lashes me with a whip woven from memories and sadness. I feel each lash that slides across my heart like my thoughts across my head. I know the blood is flowing, there will be stains on my conscience again, I'll have to wash myself again, for once, to forget about the bleeding wounds. Or maybe I should act differently? Perhaps I should take the Salt of Solitude and sprinkle it on the wounds? Maybe this pain, this suffering, will be useful later? Perhaps, when I finally encounter Love, I'll appreciate its nearness?... Time flies, I stand on the railing, my head buzzes, thoughts scurry in the heat to dissuade me from this decision, but no, I've already decided, even they won't help me... look down, dark, look up, dark, look ahead, bright! Maybe there's some hope? But then I stray from that thought; it's just the scythe of death, reflecting my thoughts, which return to me with greater force, thoughts of Happiness... I have nothing to ponder, I've already come far enough, even though I know I could give up, and maybe... yes! After all, just because I haven't encountered Love yet, just because I haven't tripped over the Stone of Happiness, landing in the arms of Triumph, doesn't mean I'll never encounter It! I can always count on my friends, they'll help me, they've always helped me. Thanks to them, I didn't think about it. Yes, they're my salvation. With them, I'll walk through the Bush of Youth, and later through the Desert of Old Age. But I know I'll never be parched, because I know I'll have a canteen with me, with Love, and thanks to Her, I'll always be able to move on.... Oh, I feel better. I think I'll do the right thing. I won't jump. I see Death looking at me with a blank gaze. I try to smile, to tell Her that it's not my time yet. Then She opened Her mouth and let out a resonant, throaty laugh. A terrifying sound pierced my ears, and at times, they were caressed by a Whisper that said, "Jump..." but I can't, I've made up my mind, I won't jump... Death turns around, everything becomes quiet, I hear, I hear the birds singing! Or maybe it's my inner self? It's falling from the sky on me, not rain anymore, but a ray of sunlight that licks my temples. I think deep down that I did the right thing, it's time to go home, to my friends. I look down once more, in my mind's eye I see myself below, my body, in a balancing pose, little blood, only around my head, but there's no point, I have to go back. I turn around on the railing... silence, darkness, muffled moans penetrate my interior, which was filled with hope, now occupied with fear, the wind roars, no, it's She, Death, laughing, mocking me, yes, it's She, She who pushed me... I'm falling! Why? I want to live! I want to overcome the Pain! No! No! No! I can't die, I keep falling,How far can you fall? The whole world spins, I can no longer hear the birds, the sun's rays are gone... I'm gone... the eyes, though open, no longer record the world, now they're doors through which the soul escapes, looking at the body where, just a moment ago, it was fighting a battle with Death, with Pain. The fight was unequal, Death proved more vile... it still looks at the body... from the pocket of half-worn trousers, reminiscent of outings with friends, a small, white, crumpled note peeks out into the world...

A note was found near the body of a boy who jumped off a bridge, on which the victim wrote:

"I did it because I wanted to oppose the Pain that torments not only me but many others. It's not about physical pain, it's about feelings. I gave myself into the hands of Death as a sacrifice. Perhaps this will serve as a warning to others that such decisions shouldn't be made at such a young age, because we don't know if we'll encounter Love tomorrow. I did it, maybe that's enough to prevent Death from coming to those who are devastated by the lack of Love?

P.S.

I apologize to you, my parents, my acquaintances, my friends... thank you. I know you've always been with me, you've helped me, you've been my support. Did I not appreciate it? I ask others, those in despair, to use the hands extended to them, because these are the hands that want to pull you out of the darkness...