Diary of a Caveman

 

My name is To_Ya, I'm a caveman, and I've decided to write my diary.

Day 1.

I got up, as usual, at sunrise and went hunting. I managed to catch a fat skunk. It smells a bit, but it doesn't require any spices. Along the way, I gathered some more fruit and dug up a few roots. When I reached the cave, the sun was setting.

Day 2.

I got up again at sunrise and went hunting. Unfortunately, I caught nothing, except a few frogs. Not bad, but how can you feed a whole bunch? As I approached the cave, I heard the sounds of a quarrel. As usual, Prometheus was beating his woman. He was throwing stones and branches prepared for a fire at her. Suddenly, the sounds stopped. Prometheus was turning a green pebble in his hand, which, narrowly missing his woman, bounced off a rock. When I got closer, I saw the stone had split into pieces, one of which had a sharp edge.

"I've invented a knife," he yelled. "From now on, I won't go hunting; I'll just invent various inventions." And then, deliberately, he began throwing stones at the rock.

Day 3.

When I woke up at dawn, I saw Prometheus standing over a pile of debris at the entrance to the cave. "

Look," he said to me, "you're lazing around, and I've invented a hoe, an axe, and even a razor."

I went hunting, this time equipped with an axe and a knife. I shot a woolly rhinoceros. Prometheus took the rhinoceros as payment for the weapon, leaving me only the head and tail. The women scraped the remains of meat and fat from the skin with Prometheus' knives. They ate quite a lot. The inventor took the skin, of course. "Nobody's stupid," I thought, "I'll make my own knife and axe." When Prometheus saw what I was doing, he attacked me with a club. "

And you're so-so! If you want to produce your own, you have to buy a license!"

"For how much?"

"For a quarter of the game you hunted, and half the other trophies." I had to agree .

Day 4.

Prometheus tested his razor on one of the youngsters. After the operation, the youngster looked like he'd had a close encounter with a saber-toothed tiger, but in fact, not a single hair remained on his muzzle. When I returned to the cave at dusk, I found a veritable mess. It turned out our neighbors from across the valley had attacked us because they were short on women and intended to kidnap one. Since the cave was dark, having trampled the fire, they only felt around the faces and mistakenly kidnapped the freshly shaven youngster. It's a pity, but worse, there's no fire. A council began. Our chief, Matu, and shaman Zalem decided: we finally have an inventor, let him invent fire.

Day 5

Prometheus took a tarred stick, climbed onto the rock that housed our cave, and held it in his outstretched hand, waiting for fire from the sky. Finally, there was a terrifying bang, and the stick fell from Prometheus's hand. Fortunately, the hairs on it caught fire, so we quickly lit some dry moss and leaves from it. The firefight was over.

Day 6.

I was resting, but Prometheus continued inventing. He carved a smaller hole next to the cave entrance and said it would be television. Matu (our chief) said that during the day it could be television, but at night it would be radio, because in the dark, only sound would be heard through the hole. Zalem (the shaman) said that Prometheus was too stupid to invent television, so it would simply be Window. From then on, Prometheus changed his name to Bill Rock-Gates.

Day 7.

I didn't get up this morning. I didn't need to get up at all, because I'd been wandering around the cave all night listening to the radio, my tooth bothering me like crazy. Before dawn, I started tugging at the leg protruding from the hide of the woolly rhinoceros I'd slaughtered the day before. Suddenly, from under the hide, emerged the recently shaved youngster, who had been expelled from a rival group of cavemen for his unsuitability for certain purposes, a decision he didn't particularly regret, because what kind of cavemen were they? They lived by the river in huts made of branches. Phew... Shame and slander!... Bill Rock—Gates, however (unbeknownst to me before) disagreed and took the youngster as his concubine. But back to the point. After a moment, Bill crawled out of the bed.

"What?!" he growled, yawning from ear to ear.

"Help, my dear inventor! I can't stand this tusk anymore."

"Show me!" he replied, somewhat placated. "Not good," he nodded with feigned concern, "not good. I have to tear it out."

My legs buckled.

"Is there no other way?

" "We could use root canal treatment..."

"Master, I beg you, do it.

" So he woke up two tough guys, with the silhouettes of tracksuit men, and explained to them on the side what and how... They grabbed my legs and plunged my head into the cesspool that led from the corner of the den. At the last moment before the descent, I heard his triumphant cry:

"I've just invented anesthesia!"

Indeed, after a short struggle, I fell into a deep sleep. If I survive, more will follow.

Day 7, around noon

. I began to wake up. Above my head, I saw Zalem, holding a rhinoceros skull filled with embers from the fire, to which he had added dried herbs mixed with bat droppings, and with a twig, he was fanning the smoke towards my nostrils. The smell was a hundred times more unpleasant than the anesthetic that still lingered in the cave after my bath. "

He's waking up," I heard a murmur of voices.

Bill now sprang into action.

"Disperse! Don't interrupt! Do you know what happened to you?" I confirmed with a slight nod. "Do you know who you are?"

"To_Ya," I rasped out with difficulty.

"Does it still hurt?" Bill inquired. I shook my head. "See?" he said triumphantly. "I'm a genius. You can call me Gienek. And to my friends, I'm simply Gen."

Suddenly, from somewhere above, a voice came:

"I'll give you Gen, you Paleolithic patsy! I'll deal with you in a moment!" Bill cringed a bit, but then regained his composure and shouted:

"And what about you? You already hit me with fire from above and nothing happened to me. And if you don't stop talking back, I'll grab my club, climb up, and beat you so hard you'll remember the Russian year, you degenerate!"

"Me, degenerate?" I… I…” His voice began to stutter.

“Yes, you! Everyone hears your drunken voice. But, you know what,” he suddenly softened, “actually, it doesn’t bother me at all, and I think I could like you. And when I get bored with my concubine and you lose your voice completely, you can come to me. Rhino skin is really big and warm.

” “And I hope you rot. And I hope the worms eat your brain and come out your eyes. And I hope you get ripped off by barbed wire in your coffin…”

Day 7, in the evening

. I didn’t eat my afternoon tea because my tooth started hurting like a thread again, and on top of that, my mouth swelled up like a pumpkin. And then I remembered that my woman’s name was Bania and she came from another tribe, living beyond the mountain, and when I kidnapped her, I saw there (it was about twenty springs ago) a beautiful young sorceress who could cure all ailments. If I remember correctly, they called her Kaja. So I decided to go to their cave the next day, give them my old lady back, and also enlist Kaja's help.

Day 8.

I invited my old lady on a trip. She was overjoyed, prepared a picnic basket, smeared her hair beautifully with clay, put an ochre-colored boar hyoid bone in her nose, and hung tortoise shells in her ears.

"I still look pretty good," she began to preen.

"Wait a minute," I thought, "just let Gienek invent a mirror, and you'll see your 'quite'."

We set off. My old lady chattered the entire way; not for a moment did the poor thing think, "This is our last walk." When we reached my grandmother's family cave, I went straight to Kaja. When she saw me, she almost fainted; I had to sprinkle water on her temples. When she recovered, I asked with a sense of pride,

"Did you like me that much?"

"Cretino!" Imbecile! (She used her native tongue when angry, but she also knew human speech.) Do I like you?! I fainted when I saw your ugly, pompous face.

"Sorry," I replied (don't let her think I don't know the languages ​​of savage peoples), "ajm wery bolnyj widz denti."

She laughed softly and said,

"I wouldn't have thought of that. I thought you needed some Viagra... Well, open your mouth! Yes, maybe we can still get a root canal...

" "I've already had a root canal! It didn't help. " "

With a red barb?" I saw a glint of surprise in her eye.

"No, with a gutter.

" "With a gutter? I don't know that method... I use a barb. It's the latest method using ultrasound.

" "Isn't that dangerous? Bats carry rabies..."

"Shut your mouth! You're definitely infected with rabies anyway. "

I closed my mouth.

"I mean, open your mouth, just stop talking!"

I obeyed. She took out a small mop bag from her chest and placed it on her aching tooth. The pain slowly began to subside.

"Thank you, great witch, Kaja, my gratitude will haunt you until death. "

She looked at me with fury in her eyes.

"I'm a sorceress! I'll be a witch in about twenty years!

" "Yes, of course, my benefactor." Mollified, she added: "Evil blood mixed with matter has gathered above your tooth; it needs to use a vampire again." I didn't try to object, just waited to see what would happen next. "Vampy!" Kaja exclaimed, and a moment later a large bat perched on her shoulder, gazing coaxingly into her eyes and rubbing her cheek. "Okay, okay." She hugged the vampire to her chest (a big four) and tenderly scratched him behind the ear. "Now, let's get to work!" The bat burrowed into my cheek. A moment later, he landed back on Kaia's shoulder, licking his bloody muzzle.

Now came the momentous occasion, the one patients so dislike but which delights healthcare providers.

"What's due?" I asked, my voice trembling.

"Tomorrow you'll set out into the world, always walking with the rising sun on your left (do you know which left is, you idiot?) hand, until you reach distant lands, where you'll find an animal as huge as four rhinos, with a huge snake growing from its mouth, and two powerful, curled fangs protruding from its sides. You'll rip one out and bring it to me. I'll make a cure for toothaches from it." I was terrified, utterly gluttonous (of course, utterly gluttonous, after all, I couldn't eat for three days because of a toothache).

Day 9.

I got up at dawn and left the settlement with the sun on my left. Around noon, I heard voices; at first, I thought it was my stomach growling, but it turned out someone was chasing me. It was a boy sent by the sorceress. He said Kaja had remembered that the animal was called Momot and that it was forbidden to kill it, only to extract its tooth alive. Dog blood! Couldn't he have sprained his ankle?... He also demanded proof from me that he had delivered the message. What would Gienek have thought of in such a situation?... Now I know. I've just invented a stamp! I've stamped the messenger's limo.

Day 10 - 99.

I'm moving on. It's getting colder. I'm starting to regret not letting that tusk be torn out of me...

Day 100.

I got up at sunrise and began to look around the endless plain, overgrown with storms and sparse shrubs. I had no strength left, so I fell to my knees and prayed fervently:

"O Genie, who art in the heavens, bring me that momot, or cast upon me eternal sleep, for I have no strength left for further peregrination."

And Gen took pity on me and sent me a deep sleep, took a rib from my side and replaced it with the momot's tusk. I slung the tusk over my shoulder and went back to my homeland.

Day 176.

I brought Kai the momot's tusk.

Day 177.

I reached my cave. Things had changed somewhat here. First of all, Gienek had contracted a terrible disease—his entire skin and some of his limbs were covered with nasty ulcers. He grew weaker and weaker, until finally Zalem decided there was no cure for him. So the poor man went to the mountain peak (where the firs rustle), sat under a beech tree, and after three days he expired. Besides, a new version of Windows XL has appeared near the entrance. It works much better, as it has been enlarged and a rhinoceros skin, left over from poor Gienek, has been hung in it. I was received with great honor, as none of our men had ventured so far before. They also asked me what this enormous beast looked like. This caused me some problems, as I hadn't seen the monster with my own eyes, but during a dream that Gen sent me, I dreamed of this monster, so I described it roughly. Incidentally, as a great traveler, I acquired the honorary title of Columbus. I decided to inherit Gienek's legacy, including the youngster, but I had no intention of using him as my predecessor had, but I made him my assistant, giving him the name "Stęsiedemściesiądźmaszek" (Siódmaszek for short), as it was the 177th day since the beginning of this story.

Day 178 - 188

I rest and think about what to do to get to the Paleolithic era.

Day 179

I got up from the bed before noon and called a meeting.

"Listen, guys! We need to change things up a bit in our cave. We can't have some toothless old man ruling over us. Will the Cave Union parliament take such a leader seriously? Someone wise and experienced must remain the leader. I think I could find a suitable candidate in our cave, but I await your suggestions, and I promise I will rule wisely and justly..."