I'll go to her again today"

 

I'll go to her again today. I wonder if it will be the same. I wonder if she'll pretend to resist again, and if I'll have to pretend to use force. I've been thinking about it since morning. Thoughts raced through my head, preventing me from carrying out my duties. The exciting uncertainty of tonight was driving my desires to a boil. What would she be wearing? Would she be asleep already? Maybe I'd have to wake her? Questions multiplied in my head like cells in favorable conditions. To go there—that dominated. To go there—the desire to go gave me no rest.

I'm counting the hours, not even hours, but minutes. I want to be there so badly. Right now! Right now. What time is it? 5:00 PM? Couldn't you have said 7:00 PM? The secretary wasn't sure why I was so upset. She'd only given me the current time. I wasn't angry with her, after all. Besides, she couldn't have known. Fortunately, the seconds were doing what they were meant to do—passing by. I was as happy as a child, staring at the face of the old clock standing in the corner of the office. Tick, tick. Music to my ears. Minute by minute, time passed exactly as I wanted. Maybe not as fast, but forward.

"

I've been waiting for him all day. From the moment I opened my eyes, I'd been thinking only about him. Will I live to see evening? Or will I die just before it arrives? No. I wouldn't want that. Surely the One Above couldn't do this to me. Not at this moment. Not when I need him so much. After all, I deserved it with my suffering. My pain. All the sacrifices I have to make just to breathe. Some people think I exaggerate. They don't know many things. The only pleasure is those evenings when he comes to me. The rest is pain. I used to think I was born for pain. That I existed so that someone else could feel pleasure. Then, by some strange coincidence, out of nowhere, we met so that my world could change. The pain was less important, even trivial, compared to the pleasure he gave me. And even though I cried for days, I waited for those evenings. I waited impatiently, just like I do now. I wonder if I'll feel pain in Heaven, too. Everyone says I won't. But no one's been there. So how are they supposed to know?

Two

hours at work passed in agony. Why was the wait so painful today? What am I saying? I have no idea what real pain is. But she knows it all too well.

I ran out of work at the first stroke of 7 p.m. I didn't want to miss a moment. It was so important to her. The flowers I'd bought, as always, from a street vendor released an invisible trail of rose scent behind me. It's a shame she can't see how beautiful they are. It's a shame she can't see me...

I walked in without knocking

.

I felt his presence. So, as usual, I can tell time without a watch. It's a few minutes after 7 p.m. I was expecting him at that very moment. Besides, the scent of flowers drifting from the street through the open window gave it away. My love. Roses. They must be beautiful.

"

Hello, my love," the man approached the bed where the pale woman lay.

Her face was filled with joy at meeting him.

"Thank you so much for the flowers," she said, tilting her head slightly toward him.

He leaned in and kissed her on the lips, then on her forehead, then on her neck, moving lower and lower...

"

Today was special. It had to be this way." My thoughts raced from one to the other, delaying the moment of decision. I don't know why I'm doing this. I really don't like these kinds of solutions. In fact, I hate them. My thoughts are clashing, and I'm starting to have increasing doubts about whether this is the right solution. Maybe there's another one? Maybe. And if there isn't? If there isn't, then I'm doing the right thing. I know it...

" "

Today was special. It had to be this way." After all, it's been two years since he started coming to me and giving me pleasure. He's lying next to me, trying to calm down. I can hear his breathing. He's stood up. He pulled something out of his briefcase. He sat down beside me.

Is that metal? Was that metal that touched my temple? In an instant, a thousand thoughts flashed through my mind. So he's taking me to heaven. Just like he promised last time. Maybe there's no pain there.

"

I'm doing the right thing. Now I know for sure. Just pull the trigger and half my problems will be solved." His index finger began to twitch, as did his whole hand. You just have to 'just' pull hard. Despite his blindness, he looks at me as if to say, "Thank you." She said, "I love you." I love you too, darling...

"

People passing by the open window stopped for a moment as they heard the gunshot piercing the soulless sounds of the still-busy city. More than one person probably wondered what tragedy could have happened in a house with an open window.

The neighbors ran downstairs and started banging on the door, increasingly louder.

A few moments later, a second shot was fired...