Fear

I don't really know where to begin. There are so many things I'd like to explain, and I won't have time… So many words I haven't said aloud, yet they hurt more deeply than the stabs… It hurts just as much, inflicting the same wounds, and even though they're invisible, I bleed to death with each passing day of this madness… Pure madness – I live in it.

The room isn't large, four by seven meters, there's a window in one wall, the paint that was once white is peeling with age and falling to the floor, covered with a shoddy carpet that doesn't even reach from end to end… On the other wall, a faded, ugly painting depicts a woman, staring ahead with a matronly gaze, giving the impression that she doesn't care about anything around her… By the window stands a bed, a single, old one, we sleep in it together, it's cramped, but neither of us complains, we have to accept it, and that's it.

Just a table, two chairs, a camping stove, some dishes, two forks, two knives, a chipped mug… We have almost nothing. But we have each other.

I'm afraid that one day you'll leave…

I watch him sleep. He breathes calmly, evenly, his chest rises with each breath, a look of peace on his face. He doesn't seem to be dreaming, but he rarely remembers his dreams. I stopped having them a long time ago, and maybe that's for the best, because the nightmare I'm stuck in is perfectly enough… It's cold, I cover him with the blanket and watch for a moment longer, the light from the streetlamps illuminates the room. I get up, go to the window, look outside for a moment, it's quiet, I close my eyes…

Just love me, that's all…

I hear that she's awake. I turn my head slowly so she doesn't notice that I'm awake too. She's standing by the window, I look at her, she's so beautiful… I want to go and hug her, but I don't do anything, I know it won't help, that she has to be alone now. Sometimes she locks herself away in her own world, then I wait, and finally she's mine again. I want her so much, it means so much to me that she's here... There are so many things I don't know yet, so many things I don't know...

I'm always alone...

It's getting colder. I ignore it, I sit in a chair, and bury my face in my hands. Who created this world for me, this hell I can't escape from...? He's there, that means a lot, but I always fight alone. I fight for him too, even though I lose so often... I know I can't give up, even though sometimes I don't have the strength...