Experience

 

The frenzy has ended. Faith has died. Now begins a bloody existence, day by day. The spectacular tricks of my mind will begin another dance macabre. Now there is no tomorrow; the present moment remains; as aimless and fruitless as it is precious. Oh, dear moment, how many efforts and hours would be needed for you to harvest. Joy, spark of the gods; I abandon you, aiming to remain in sorrow. Delight; a few such precious seconds will escape in another vulnerable place of betrayal in my mind. Decentralization of the smile that graces my face in the form of a mask replacing thoughts for those close to me and for strangers for whom it doesn't exist anyway.

My power is absolute for every member of me. Controlled betrayal, called vice, is exterminated to silence the rebellions of the opposition. One day I will face a decision that will never bring peace; any answer uttered from the lips of someone possessed by his dream will be mistakenly accepted as the eternal damnation of a common unfortunate who came to the wrong time and with the wrong people.

Lack of conviction and courage in word and gesture, paralysis of nerves, panic, and the unstoppable wind from the center of the skull—these are signs of the end of time. Signs that herald a time of choice, a time of alienation of the spirit. It will be the beginning of dying. The dying of masses, countless seconds; each of them will be marked by a drop of blood and tears falling incessantly. Who am I to decide? Who called me to this? The helplessness of a moment of terror endured with perseverance and patience.

Mad boy, your perseverance and faithfulness to fallen beliefs have borne fruit; reap a bountiful harvest. The field of faith has yielded lethargy, the grove of hope is full of helplessness, the vineyards of sacrifice ripe for the harvest of resignation, only the river of faithfulness has dried up, leaving only the well of memory.

Let us go, then, for with me are people from my family, so alien and helpless in advice, possibilities, support.

It is done, and I remain alone. I will walk with my mirror as long as possible, the only companion who understands every gesture, every confused word, and the silence so beloved.

I am glad that I was given an experience like no other; it gave me so much, promised so much, was support, hope, and comfort; I am grateful that I was able to experience love.